Discl. as usual

+hiding below the table+ please don't hit me people! I know I'm late, and I'm sorry! I have been sick over the past two weeks, and real life came in the way, you know how hard it can be! Don't wanna bore you with my life though, but express my sincere thank yous to the best reviewers on earth:

Thank you to kursk, Leentje, I-believe-in-the-Butterflies (J), liz, Alexis, Kym, MalibuBarbie253, GalootMaster, brandyurastar, MaddySparkles, SVOC Luva, gossipgrl11593, Babyblue2210, smartiepantz, SG22 and especially Rainygal, thanks for your help!

Chapter 17

"You can't be serious, Ryan?" asked Marissa sternly, after a few moments of thinking, which led her to realise, what exactly the man in front of her was talking about.

"I thought you out of all people would understand me…."

"Yes, I do understand the urge to numb the pain, but me taking painkillers in Tijuana can hardly be compared to you, thinking about an escape, with your daughter at home who needs you!"

"She's better off with the Cohens anyway…" the adult hissed, his guards fully up again, his mind already searching for a way to escape this conversation.

Marissa only gasped, not believing what she heard.

"If I learnt anything with the Cohens, it is that family can not be reduced to the blood bond, it's more about where your heart is… Alyssa hates me Marissa, I'm a terrible father -"

"Yes you are!" interrupted Marissa upset.

"If you actually consider leaving your daughter all by herself after everything she has gone through, you are indeed a terrible father!"

Ryan just looked at her, shocked about her words. Admitting to himself that he's a loser was a lot easier than actually hearing someone telling him, he realised.

"Ryan, Alyssa needs you now more than ever! You should understand what it means to be abandoned by your parents! Do you really wanna do that to her? I don't believe so… Alyssa needs you, Colin needs you, if you decide to accept him as your son, and I need you… if that still means something to you…"

Marissa was trying hard to rub some senses into him, fearing, that he might actually thought about leaving this world and all his problems behind, although it was very un-Ryan-like. She realised, that the events of the last few days must have affected him more than they had ever imagined. Her thoughts were racing, trying to think of something that would make him realise, what he was throwing away, her whole mind focused on finding the trigger to bring the old Ryan Atwood back to life.

"But how Marissa, how can I even think of living on with nothing left in my life than my daughter, who I am sure, will have a lifelong neurosis caused by today's tragedy… with a son" –

"Not A son, Ryan… YOUR son" Marissa interrupted softly.

"My son…" the architect repeated in a low voice.

"How do you know he won't hate me?"

"Because all I ever wanted was a Dad, a family…" Colin suddenly said, stepping up to the two adults, startling them with his sudden appearance.

Ryan stayed quiet, not sure what to do, lost of words, just staring at the boy in front of him, whose eyes were sparkling.

"And because family is all that matters, right?" Colin smiled shyly, carefully nudging his Dad's side, not sure as to whether the adult would approve.

Here it was again, the phrase that Ryan had been repeating to himself, which had been playing in his mind, never fully able to believe it. Lately everyone seemed to tell him that family was all that matters, but how could he possibly agree? His family was one fucked up mess, his Dad died in prison; his Mum never loved nor respected him, but only wanted to destroy his family and everything he had built in his life… His brother shot by the one woman he had loved since the day he had been abandoned by his own flesh and blood…

But looking at the boy standing one step away from him, inspecting his reaction, detecting the fear in the eyes of his son, fear that maybe his own father would turn away, leave him alone, not able to accept him into his life, broke Ryan's heart.

How could he even think of turning HIS son down? Disappointing him like he had been disappointed by his own family? Hadn't he sworn to himself, that he would never let his children down? That he would always be there for them no matter what? Hadn't he promised himself not to become like his biological parents? How could he forget…?

Ryan realised, that he needed to pull himself together, that he had to carry on with his life, because the moment he became a parent, his own life wasn't as important anymore as the life of his children, their happiness, their success. They lived from and for his love, a love that they should be able to take for granted."

Ryan wordlessly opened his arms and pulled his son into his arms, picking him up and hugging him tight, tears falling down his cheeks. No words were needed, all three knew, that this was the fresh start they had been hoping for, the bonding of their now united family, the point where they together could start working on healing their wounds, trying to help each other overcome their fears and fulfil their hidden dreams.

"Are you ready to meet your sister?" Ryan finally said, placing Colin on the ground, kneeling down to bring his eyes in one line with the eyes of his son, wiping away the tears that had been welling up in the boy's eyes.

Colin reached for his mother's hand, squeezing it tightly, showing her, that he knew that his biggest dream was finally coming true, but that he hadn't forgotten her.

Then he turned his head to his father and nodded, not able to any longer suppress the one smile, which he knew had been waiting inside of him, wanting to surface since the day he came into this world.

Colin told Ryan and Marissa that Seth and Sandy had already gone back to Ryan's place, assuming that they would work things out and follow them back home.

Marissa had decided, that she would drive them, knowing, that Ryan was still instable and that she couldn't leave him all by himself, where all the feelings and fears could come back.

It was silent in the car, everyone nervous about what was going to happen in a few minutes, neither sure, as to how the family and especially Alyssa would react to the news.

When they arrived, all three of them climbed silently out of the car, watching the impressive building ahead of them, knowing that this was the point, where there life would change, to the better or the worse…

Before any of them could make the first move up to the house, the door was ripped open and an 11 year old, sandy haired girl came rushing outside, tears streaming down her face.

"Daddy!"

Ryan opened his arms and caught his daughter when she came running into his arms, pressing her head against his chest, sobs escaping her mouth. He gently picked her up and kissed her hair, holding her close to his body.

"Hey pumpkin…"

Suddenly the girl started punching her Dad, throwing her little fists against his muscular chest.

"Where have you been? I was so worried!" she screamed under tears.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry…" Ryan just soothed, knowing that his daughter needed to release her anger before she was able to talk to him, he guessed that was another thing he had unconsciously taught her.

Ryan softly carried his angry but relieved daughter over the stairs inside the house, gesturing Marissa and Colin to follow them. In the living room, Kirsten was sitting with Sandy on the couch, her eyes red and puffy. Seth was holding Cassandra and Summer had Benjamin on her lap, both looking tired and exhausted. Ryan immediately felt guilty for putting them through this whole mess.

Marissa closed the door behind herself and pushed her son softly into the living room, nervously tousling his hair, not sure, if they were welcome in the one family she had always admired for their strength and coherence.

"Marissa, why don't you two sit down for a while, I need to talk to Alyssa first" Ryan told the model and his son, giving them a quick, reassuring smile, before carrying his daughter into his bedroom.

Ryan had on the way home made up his mind. He had decided, that he didn't need to tell Alyssa what had happened this afternoon, what he had been feeling and what he had been about to do earlier. The architect knew, that he now had to concentrate on saying goodbye to his wife and then start working on the relationship to his son. He didn't know, whether they were ever going to be a happy family, but he needed at least to be a good father for Alyssa and Colin.

Ryan placed his daughter gently on the bed he had been sharing with Bernadette for the past few years and sat down next to her, avoiding her reproachful glance.

"What happened to your promise about never leaving me?" Alyssa finally wanted to know, her voice full of hurt and confusion.

"Pumpkin I'm sorry, ok? But like you, I just needed some time for myself, to think about everything, to come clear with myself about our future. It was a difficult time and my mind was spinning, don't you understand that?"

"Sure I do, Daddy! But you just left! I felt like I was the only person alive when I came out of my room…"

"Oh honey I'm sorry… And now I swear, I will never ever leave you again without telling you where I'm going, ok?" Ryan's voice broke and he hugged his daughter, realising what he had done, silently trying to ban the images of the cliffs from his mind.

Alyssa hold her Dad close, enjoying the closeness, his special smell in her nose, practically just knowing, that he was back and that he would never leave her again. At least that was what she needed to believe right now, trying to overcome her fears and the feeling of loneliness and just telling herself, that everything was going to be ok again.

"So… there is something we need to talk about" Ryan finally told his daughter, releasing her from his embrace and intensively looking at her, trying to detect, whether she was ready to learn about her new family, but knowing that there was no way he could not tell her.

"Yes?"

"You told me that you always wanted a brother?"

Tears started filling Alyssa's eyes, when she remembered the body of her little brother in the hospital bed. Ryan just pulled her close and comfortingly stroked her back, knowing that she needed time to get over this loss, that it was good for her to cry. After all, she was just a little girl.

When Alyssa wiped off her tears, slowly nodded and thankfully glanced at her Dad, he carefully continued:

"You know that I will always remember Mummy and I will always lover her, don't you?"

The light blonde girl gave her father a surprised and curious glance, nodding sadly, waiting for him to tell her what was going on.

"So… today I learnt something, which will probably change our lives a little bit…. You have met Marissa, haven't you?"

Not waiting for his daughter's reply, he explained:

"Well, Marissa used to be my girlfriend, a long, long time ago. I know we have never talked about it, as it was a very vulnerable point for your Mummy and myself, but we were probably the most complicated couple in Newport 13 years ago. I really loved Marissa and I was sure, she was the one I would spend my life with. But then Marissa broke up with me to become a model and moved away to New York. What I didn't know until today was, that she was pregnant when she left."

Ryan stopped and carefully inspected the reaction of his little girl. Alyssa took a few seconds to think about what her Dad had just said, before her eyes widened and she nervously looked at him, asking:

"Does that mean that... That you have a son with her? That…. that I have a brother?"

The architect nodded, not sure, whether Alyssa's tone implied confusion, happiness or anger. Silence followed, until his daughter blurted out:

"Will you marry Marissa?"

"NO! I mean… I don't know… We have been apart for a very long time; it's all so complicated now… But I want to be a father for Colin, do you understand that? It would be great if you two would get along, as he has always wished for a real family. But we won't force you to do anything you don't like, ok?"

"Ok…."

"So… do you want to meet him?"

Alyssa nodded nervously and swallowed, unable to speak anymore, as a huge lump was forming in her throat. Ryan extended his hand to her and she grabbed it gratefully, jumping off the bed and following her Dad to the living room, her feelings changing from nervousness to curiosity to sadness.

"Colin, Marissa, why don't you come over here and take a seat" Seth told the two lost looking figures and gestured them to join the family.

"Ok, Colin - this is Kirsten - you know Sandy… to my left, that's my wife Summer, my daughter Cassandra and my son Benjamin" the graphic artist introduced the boy to everyone, before bumping knuckles with Colin and motioning him to sit down next to Cassandra.

Then he made a step forward and extended his hand to Marissa, whom he today had only been talking on the phone with.

The model grinned slightly, before pushing away his hand and wrapping her arms around a surprised Seth.

Embarrassed by her own actions and the strange situation she had created, Marissa then let herself plop onto the couch next to Summer, sighing deeply, turning her head to her best friend, managing to let a small smile appear on her face.

Nobody knew what to say for a while and an awkward silence filled the room, until Summer broke the ice, dryly demanding:

"Seth. Joke. Now!"

"See Colin, I should have taken my Dad's advice and never got married! I'm obviously only here for the comic relief" Seth smirked, before getting up and asking:

"Anyone want something to drink? It seems as our host is currently busy, so I guess I'm having the honour of representing him tonight. Seeing as we're already a few people, this is close to a party in the real O.C.-style, as we all dreaded so much in the past, and as we are in Mr. Atwood-bad-guy-Chino's house, drinks are served with a punch, who wants to start?"

"Seth! That's not funny!" Kirsten interrupted, but couldn't hide her amusement at the sight of a wildly grinning Sandy, and a chuckle escaped her throat, before she started laughing uncontrollably, soon joined by everyone except the kids.

Colin and Cassandra just looked at each other, trying to understand why the adults were breaking out in laughter all of sudden. They didn't know that all they needed was a valve to release the tension, to stop worrying about the future for a moment, stop thinking about how life would be going on with all the tragedy and drama of the last few days, just a quick laugh to remember, that there was still happiness in their lives.

"What is your Dad talking about?" whispered Colin to Cassandra, his eyes expressing confusion and worry.

"Oh, that's a little joke he loves to drop a lot… I guess Ryan wasn't really accepted here in the beginning. So at nearly every O.C. party he punched someone…" Cassandra explained shyly.

"Really?" Colin grinned, somehow finding the fact that his Dad used to punch people rather amusing but mainly cool.

When everyone had expressed their wishes, Seth disappeared with Kirsten to the kitchen, getting them all their drinks as requested.

Soon the adults were chatting lightly, nervously trying to bridge the time until Ryan and Alyssa returned, while Cassandra was with Colin playing Jenga on the floor.

A/N: I'm not at all sure about this chapter, so please tell me what me you think…