Parodies of the Eminem hits Chapter 2: Who the Hell I Am, a harry potter fanfic

"The Way I Am"
Snape: the Way he is?
by Leora Bernstein

The year: 1997. The month: well...it's gotta be sometime in February. Becuase it's damn cold, and Ronald Weasley won't shut up about his birthday coming up.
Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley have been searching for Horcruxes for several months now. So far, they've found an outstanding...two. Unfortunately...one of those was the journal, and the other was the locket. That wonderful little locket-that ended up carrying a bit of the most evil man in the world as we know it-somehow ended up in their care becuase Ron wanted to buy his girlfriend a present, and bought it off Dung for half price. To be honest, no one knew who was angrier: Harry, for the fact that Ron didn't KNOW it was a source of all evil, or Hermione, for recieving stolen goods as a present.
Either way, Ron was in deep shit with his two best friends at the moment. As they climbed a mountain (eh, they figured that if they're going to go on a big journey, they may as well do it right and climb a mountain like they had seen in all those action movies), Harry saw something on top of the mountain that made him squint. It was shiny, dark and looked a little like oil.
And then, they smelt it. The worst smell to hit their noses in a good many days...since the last time Ron 'let one go'.
"RON! NOT AGAIN!" Hermione screamed. But Ron only looked confused.
"Ron, we told you that if you did that again, we'd throw you over the mountain." Harry added, attempting to cover his sensative smell organs with his flimsy shirt.
"But...it wasn't me!" Ron said, trying to prove to Harry and Hermione that, for once, he wasn't the source of all this unpleasantness.
"If it wasn't you, then what was it? A flying dungbomb?" Hermione asked, skeptically.
"Well, actually..." Harry said, picking up what seemed to be the remains of a dungbomb. "Um...whose throwing these at us? That's really very rude." He looked at the bomb oddly and threw it behind him, telling the other two to continue walking.

a little while later

"Really rude...I mean, don't they know who we are? Trying to save their arses, and all they can do it pelt us with-"
"Harry, shut up." Ron said, losing his paitience. Harry had been complaining about the dungbomb for the last quarter of an hour.
"Yes, Potter. Do shut up." A voice said. Harry looked up and saw his biggest hatred- kilts. Oh, and Severus Snape happened to be wearing one.
"A bit cold for women's wear, don't you think?" Harry asked, smugly.
"Hey! Men wear these! It's-why am I arguing with you about clothing. I'm here to kill you." Snape said, raising his wand. But Harry just looked amused and flicked his hand up. All of a sudden, the wand flew up and landed in Harry's hand.
"What? How did you..." Snape said, angry that he hadn't anticipated that.
"Here's a helpful hint to you; don't give advice to your opponent. It'll help them win more often than not." Harry replied, looking at the wand and snapping it in two with one hand. "Now, we don't want you getting this back, do we"
"That was low, Potter. Even for you. I wouldn't have thought you would harm an unarmed man." Snape said.
"First off, who said I was going to harm you? Second off, taking my godfather and Dumbledore away was pretty low, too. You bloody bastard." Hermione and Ron were looking agape at the change in Harry. He seemed too calm for their taste, too happy with the thought of torturing Snape to be completely light.
"If you're not going to hurt me, what are you going to do?" Snape asked, cautiously.
"Let you explain." Harry said, sitting down on a rock. Ron and Hermione looked confused, but somewhat relieved. At least Harry wasn't going to kill Snape or something."Explain how you got Dumbledore to trust you. How you got everyone to trust you. After all, someone had to realize that if you were that good at lying and spying, you could double cross anyone"
"See, that's the trick, Potter. To create a facade of a facade. I was no spy. I fed Dumbledore false information. I fed Voldemort wrong information." Snape said, incredibly content with himself.
Hermione spoke up then; "Excuse me, but if you fed everyone wrong information...what good were you in the first place? What side are you on"
"...I say I bat for my own team..." Snape replied.
"Well, that makes sense." Ron said sarcastically. "He's never hit it home...hehehe"
Harry looked at him incredeously. "You're making sex jokes? Now!" And with that, Ron got a smack to the head. As Ron rubbed his sore head, Harry put his attention back on Snape. "So...you just kill people for fun?"
"Well, it's a little more complicated than that." Snape said, and, suddenly, a beat started going.
"Oh God Dammit...not another bloody rap..." Harry said, remembering the random raps people would put him through. Especially that chatty Sorting Hat. That thing just wouldn't shut up with the rhymes.
"Yes. Another rap! Now, shut up and listen, Potter" Snape said, and got into the beat.

"Who the HELL I am"
by Leora...the freak with all the parodies.

"This song is for anyone who's like me...shit...there's no one...fuck it.

I sit back with this wand and this potion that's great-
just like weed- it gives me the shit needed to be
the best spy for the dark on this earth-(on this earth)
And since birth I've been cursed with this curse I've reversed
see I used to be half blood but now I'm a prince
and it works-now old Voldy will help me relinquish
this tension-no pension-
for teachin' these brats behind Dumbledore's back all these curses and dark shit
-and I'll rest again peacefully (peacefully)
but at least have the decency in you
to leave me alone, when you want to accuse me
for being a spy or for "killing your mentor"
do NOT try to duel me
I can beat you and hear you-
when your stupid mind is so open
Oh yeah, Mr. Potter, yes I killed your father
I can't eat at Hogs Head cuz I told "the Lord"
that I heard that you would defeat Him (defeat him)
that bloody damn prophecy, DON'T TRY TO CURSE ME!
I'll lift you up 10 feet-like those muggles
I don't care who is there and who saw me destroy you
So call up a auror, and send me to MOM.
I'll lie in the courtroom, and leave Azkaban.
but I'm tired of pretendin' (pretendin)
I don't mean to be mean but that's all I can be so trust me.

And I am, whatever you say I am
You can say it, and that'll be the way I am
a double crosser, a spy, every day I am
I'll be kosher and then eat ham
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
You can say it, and that'll be the way I am.
I'll kill Albus, and then save Potter again
no one knows just who the hell I am

Sometimes I just feel like my father, I hate to be bothered
with all of this nonsense it's constant
And, "Oh, he's still good I can see it!
-he had to kill dumbledore-part of the vow!"
And all of this controversy circles me
and it seems like the wizards are all against me
point their wands all at me (all at me.)
So I point one back at 'em, but I know what's coming, you see
with the Occlumency, it's the shields you put up
that'll save all your butts, make them see what you want
with the curses they shout, 'cuz that's what their about
When a Lord's gainin' power and kills off a town
and they blame it on Albus (on Albus)
Where were the aurors at? Oh, look where Voldy at!
Ministry fountain- oh NOW it's a problem
oh NOW get the chosen one, little boys havin' fun
duelin with dark Lords (dark lords)
then attack Dumbledore and his stupid wards
But I'm glad cause they give me the reasons I need for the treasons
to happen and now You know who's back again!

I'm done with the random confiding in me
I wish people would stop and bloody let me be
and just stop with the murders, stop with the torture
I'm not gonna be able to spy any further
with Draco theferett whose simply a burden
who'll rat me out soon as he's done with his learnin'
I'm sick of the constant "truth seekers" (truth seekers!)
from bloody hell cocky death eaters who think
I'm some Order member cuz I don't talk
about mudbloods, and suck on His balls, so they always keep askin'
the same fuckin questions (fuckin questions)
"Why are you workin' there, why don't you seem to care-
Potter still lives and he's under your care"
-'til I'm grabbin my moose and I'm greasin' my hair
cause they drivin me crazy (drivin me crazy)..Idon't mind.
But I'm trying for flyin', for sayin' goodbye
And I know I'm a spy and I know I can lie
But I can't plead allegience, to light or to dark
without somebody barkin'
No I won't promise your vow
You can kill me right now-I'll be glad

Cause I am, whatever you say I am
You can say it, and that'll be the way I am
a double crosser, a spy, every day I am
I'll be kosher and then eat ham
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
You can say it, and that'll be the way I am.
I'll kill Albus, and then save Potter again
no one knows just who the hell I am"

At the end of this...presentation...Harry, Ron and Hermione looked very scared.
"Any questions?" Snape asked.
"Um...you're jewish?" Ron said. "Makes sense, what with the nose and-" he got another slap in the head for this.
"So you're just...generally killing people?" Harry asked.
"Pretty much. Now, what are you going to do with me?" Snape asked, getting tired of this charade.
"Eh...I'll just leave you here to fend for yourself. Maybe you'll fall in the snow and wash your hair..." Harry said, walking past him, Hermione and Ron following him closely.
"WHAT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'LL FREEZE! POTTER! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! POTTER!" Snape kept screaming as Harry, Hermione and Ron walked over the top of the mountain and down the other side, therefore completing the necessary journey for any adventure novel or movie.
"Why is it always Eminem? Can't anyone make a good parody out of a Backstreet Boy song?" Harry asked, scratching his head.
"The Backstreet Boys kinda make parodies of themselves..." Hermione pointed out.
"Ah, yes..." Harry said, smiling.
"I still can't get over the fact that Snape's Jewish!" Ron said, bewildered. A few seconds later, you could head a distinct "OW!" amongst Snape's squabblings.

EL FIN

Ah...that only took...3 years!
Yay!
I hope you like it. I figured that this would be the perfect song for Snape. You have to allow for certain rests in some measures though. It was the only way to make it truly possible. And just...don't try and make sense of this story. It really is just the wild wanderings of my imagination.
Please, review. Tell me that you hate it! Or that you love it. If you love it, I shall try to create another parody before the 7th book comes out.
If you hate it, be nice. I'm a girl.
OH! JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS! I'M A JEWISH BACKSTREET BOY FAN! I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT STUFF
hehehe...Happy Rosh Hashana everyone!