Disclaimer: Saiyuki doesn't belong to me... yeah.

Yay, my review count has climbed! Thanks to backupsystem, Chocolate-Obsessed, altered carbon, and tigermink for reviewing chapter seven. Everyone else: If you like it, if you hate it, if you kinda just don't care either way, do review. Feedback is a lovely thing.

I'm listening to The Rolling Stones' Paint it Black and thinking it would be a good song for Hakkai. Hmm.

Sound of the Night

Chapter 8: Forward and Repeat

Hakkai found driving to be relaxing. Driving out in the open with no one else in sight had a certain calming effect, putting him into a zone where he didn't have to think or do anything other than drive.

At this moment, he was in grave danger of thinking too much. His eyes kept flicking towards the other three in the vehicle. Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo and forward. Repeat. Around and around in jerky circles. Checking for any small, unconcious signs of discomfort, anxiety. Was Sanzo smoking a bit too much? Was Goku's restlessness normal, or did his eyes shift when one of the others tried to meet his eyes? Was Gojyo messing with his hair? He always finger-combed his hair to the front, covering the scars, when he was nervous.

Was everything normal?

Hakkai laughed a mental laugh at the very thought. Of course it wasn't normal. And he knew why the situation was so strained.

If only he hadn't, in such a futile gesture, saught to give comfort (get comfort) in Sanzo. It had been such an empty exercise from the very beginning, but he had hungered for it. Thirsted for it. Craved the moments when he was pressed against Sanzo and he could pretend for a moment that he wasn't cold.

It had all been such a farce.

A mistake from the beginning, that. Hakkai had decieved himself into thinking that he was helping Sanzo in some way. He' d been a fool. Sanzo didn't want help. Sanzo didn't need help. Sanzo had remained as closed to Hakkai as they day they met. That's the way he was. All their little angst-and-sex sessions had accomplished was hurting themselves and the other two. Hakkai had only been acting out of his own selfish, misplaced desires.

Hakkai's fingers gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. Again he saw Goku's stricken face, the water pooled on the floor.

Goku hadn't deserved that. Hakkai knew what Goku felt for Sanzo. Who didn't? Goku broadcast it like a satellite. Hakkai might as well have pushed the monkey to the floor and kicked him in the stomach a few times.

And then there was Gojyo.

Hakkai began to feel physically ill. He couldn't fix things with Gojyo. He'd gone too far.

Hakkai had known for a while that Gojyo was physically attracted to him. Gojyo was physically attracted to everybody. Hakkai had kept himself at arm's length. He wasn't interested in being one of Gojyo's toys; he wanted to preserve their friendship.

Haha. Now there was nothing left to preserve. Maybe he should have taken the sex when it was offered, hm? Gojyo probably would have been better in bed than Sanzo, anyway.

Hakkai was sweating. Yeah, Gojyo. Gojyo would have put out more than Sanzo, too. The monk had such a tight ass.

Gojyo. It should have been Gojyo.

Hakkai's breathing became harsher. He was damned, that was for sure. He'd always known that one more mistake would take him to the end, where everything would crumble. And here it had happened: Everything had crumbled. He had nothing left, really. That was the honest truth.

He leaned forward on the steering wheel. What a naive fool he'd been. To think he could have fished a sort of contentment for himself, to have tried to climb out of the grave that he'd dug for himself so long ago. Smile. Laugh at it. That's all you can do now.

Sanzo yelled and grabbed the steering wheel shoving Hakkai back as the jeep swerved, narrowly avoiding a large stand of boulders.

"You idiot!" he yelled.

Hakkai was slumped against the side of the jeep, eyeing Sanzo from the corner of his dead eyes. He smiled. Opened the door. Got out. Shut it with a soft click. He walked around to the other side of the car, opened the passenger side door and gave Sanzo another eerie smile. "Why don't you drive?"

Sanzo returned Hakkai's glare for a moment before sliding to the right and turning the keys in the ignition. "Get in."

Hakkai continued to smile and got in, facing straight forward. The dark shadows under his eyes and the smile combined to form the kind of sinister facade that only Hakkai could wear.

His eyes flicked toward Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo, and forward. Repeat.