I changed the genre when I realized that this fic isn't really angsty enough. It's now drama/romance.

The usual Disclaimer: Saiyuki is the property of Kazuya Minekura, whoever owns Zero-Sum, whatever studio did the anime and... probably a lot of corporate bigwigs that I don't know about.

Thanks to tigermink, misha, iceblitz, and Chocolate-Obsessed for more reviews!

Sound of the Night

Chapter 10: Chains

There had been a time, in the past, when every morning Sanzo would load up his gun, cock the hammer back at point it at his head. He'd sit there for a while, weighing how much he wanted to pull the trigger against how much work it would take to die.

If there was one reason that Sanzo was still alive today, it was because it was too much of a bother to pull the trigger.

Every once in a while Sanzo would load up the gun again and feel the weight of it in his palm. He wouldn't do anything with it; he'd just feel it. He'd feel it knowing he had the power to end it at any time. A wise man had once said that true strength was in knowing that he could pull the trigger but obstained. Strength was not something to be flaunted; it was something to have and to know.

...That's what Sanzo liked to tell himself, at any rate. In the deep and murky parts of his soul he knew that the reason he didn't pull the trigger was because he was chained to the material world, limbs shackled by three chains that wound around him in an increasingly tighter grip.

And the names of those chains were Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku.

Sanzo had grown weak while bound by these chains. He knew full well that by this point he wouldn't be able to stand up on his own without the chains pulling him to his feet. He was damned, damned to be bound for the rest of his life.

Muichimotsu, indeed.

There came times when the chains around him became weak and Sanzo sagged, but he knew that his chains would not break. If he could not break them then no one would.

At this time his chains were not at their strongest. Sanzo was sagging.

In short? Genjyo Sanzo felt like shit, and it was completely the fault of Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku.

First of all, it was the mess with Hakkai that had started all this. Sanzo wasn't so callous as to throw all of the blame at Hakkai, but for the love of all the gods that Sanzo didn't believe in, Hakkai was supposed to be the collected and rational one. Hakkai was supposed to be straight-laced, controlled, and libido-less.

So Sanzo had initiated it. So he hadn't had the excuse of being drunk on anything other than pain.

So what.

And Gojyo...!

Perhaps Gojyo hadn't actually done anything, but when did Sanzo ever need an excuse to be mad at Gojyo? Gojyo was merely compounding the situation by being even worse than his usual self.

And then there was Goku.

It was one thing to by physically attracted to someone. To Sanzo, physical attraction was something that was, for the most part, supressed, only to be released in brief, private moments of the mutual agreement that none of what had just happened meant anything.

He could admit to himself that he was physically attracted to Goku.

He could not admit, however, that he felt a compelling need to keep the monkey with him at all times. As close as possible.

As close as possible.

At the present moment, jean-and-leather-clad and reading his newspaper at the table in his room, with Goku steadily approaching him, shirtless (wet) and fresh out of the shower, Sanzo felt this need quite intensely indeed.

But no worries. Sanzo had a newspaper and a fan. Goku would be out of the door within moments and Sanzo could nurse his angst alone.

Goku crept towards him not out of fear, but creeping the way a woodsman stalks a very timid bird that it wants to net. It unnerved Sanzo.

Sanzo gave up the pretense of reading his newspaper and laid it across his lap. "What?"

Goku was now standing in front of him. The boy paused. "Sanzo."

...This situation was beginning to seem startlingly familiar. Sanzo's breathing became shallow. He watched Goku's lips part.

"I love you."

I have a few notes on this...

First of all, the line about having the power to kill but obstaining was pretty much lifted from Schindler's List... although that was about killing Jews, not yourself. :P

Secondly, I'm not sure how clear I was in the opening bit. It's meant to be ironic; Sanzo goes through the trouble of loading up the gun every morning and pointing at his head but he thinks pulling the trigger is too much work.

The idea that it's 'too much trouble' isn't talking about the physical action of pulling the trigger, it's talking about making a drastic change. Sanzo is a character who is very resistant to change, and though his life might frankly suck, he doesn't want to die because, frankly, he's afraid of death.

On a somewhat unrelated note, in Tarot, the card 'Death' doesn't literally mean death, but change. So there.

Sorry for the cliffhanger... (muahaha) I will say, however, that the next chapter will basically be on Goku.

And finally... if anyone guesses why Sanzo needed a newspaper and a fan to take care of Goku, then cyber-cookies for you. Hehe.