Sound of the Night
Chapter 13: Control
If there was one thing out there that Sanzo hated (well, he hated many things, but if he had to pick) it was not being in control.
At the moment, Sanzo was most decidedly not in control of the situation.
Goku was absolutely impossible to throw off. He clung like, well, a monkey to a tree.
The first night, Sanzo had succeeded in throwing Goku out and sleeping alone. After that, however, Goku had somehow contrived to sleep in the same bed as Sanzo every night, and no amount of blanket-yanking and gun-waving would convince Goku to leave.
Sanzo wasn't quite clear on why he wanted the monkey out. If he could admit it to himself (which he wouldn't, of course) he'd confess that it was rather pleasant to have Goku curled up against his side every night. But that wasn't the point. Goku shouldn't have even been in his bed in the first place.
When had Goku stopped doing everything Sanzo asked?
Well, Goku would soon learn how stubborn monks could be.
Unfortunately, after about a week, Sanzo stopped trying to kick Goku out. He would just lie facing away from Goku, trying not to think about the man nuzzling the back of his neck.
"Stop it." Sanzo growled. Goku stopped, but inched himself closer to Sanzo as if to make up for it.
The litany running in Sanzo's head was getting stale by this point. This whole thing meant nothing, Goku was just being stubborn, he'd leave if Sanzo just ignored him, and most of all – the only thing that Sanzo felt was a slight annoyance.
However, even Sanzo had to admit that a 'slight annoyance' is not what he felt the mornings that he awoke with Goku sprawled over him, mumbling incoherent nonsense in his sleep.
This was really going too far, but Sanzo could do nothing about it.
Even worse were the moments when Goku got talkative.
Goku was one of those people who got a sudden burst of energy right before bed. He'd be bubbly and bouncing off the walls for about an hour and then he'd just suddenly keel over, snoring. It drove Sanzo nuts.
The worst part was the last thing that Goku said every night before falling asleep. It ate at Sanzo every time, chipping at him and stripping away the layers until he felt naked and raw. He wanted Goku to stop saying it, but he needed Goku to say it again and again and again.
He could feel Goku's breath and the gentle form of his lips on the back of Sanzo's neck, tracing the words that Sanzo craved every night.
Sanzo didn't like this. He was being pulled by strings he couldn't control. He didn't want to want this. He didn't want to let Goku do this. He didn't want to get hurt again.
Sanzo was a realist. He couldn't delude himself into ignoring where this was leading. It was going to that place that he absolutely couldn't touch, the place that he had hidden away so that none could reach it.
Goku invaded him, trespassing beyond the boundaries that Sanzo had long ago laid.
And he couldn't stop this. He could no longer kick Goku out of his bed any more than he could drive a hand into his guts and twist his intestines around like spaghetti.
What are you so afraid of? He imagined Goku's voice.
I'm afraid of losing what I hold closest.
You won't.
Sanzo desperately wanted to believe that.