One thing: I don't think that in his mind, Sanzo really thinks of himself as Sanzo. He's said before that Koumyou was the only Sanzo that he'd ever acknowledged. I seem to remember another scene (after Kami-sama stole the sutra) where he freaked out and told Hakkai not to call him Sanzo. So that's what I was thinking about last chapter.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Sound of the Night

Chapter 15: Selfish

Jeep had a cold.

This annoyed the hell out of Sanzo, but since Hakkai wasn't about to let him grab Hakuryu by the neck and shake the little runt until he got out of bed, the monk settled for sitting down in his (single) room with a paper, three packs of cigarettes, and a pot of coffee.

Sanzo spent the entire day in his room, sitting, smoking, pacing, and occasionally looking out the window. He didn't really want to go out. He just wanted to be alone.

oooooooooooooo

Gojyo was pressing Hakkai against the wall of their room, drawing a path of bitemarks down Hakkai's neck. His teeth pressed into Hakkai's skin, riding the line between pleasure and pain, as his tongue stroked Hakkai's flesh.

"Really, Gojyo." Hakkai's light tone was offset by his shallow breathing. "I think that mark is as red as it's going to get. Why don't you let me have a turn?"

Gojyo's body rumbled in a silent chuckle that said, "No, I'm making you mine right now."

Hakkai read that rumble and smiled. He swiftly kneed Gojyo in the stomach and threw Gojyo to the floor, straddling him and leaning his head down to touch nose-to-nose with the kappa. "I said I wanted a turn."

Gojyo heaved to regain his breath and choked out, "...That's... not fair."

"All's fair in love and war." Leaning down further, Hakkai trailed his tongue down Gojyo's neck, feather-light. Gojyo's breath hitched as Hakkai's hands slid up under Gojyo's shirt to stroke in just the right places.

"You don't want to be selfish, now, do you?" Hakkai murmured.

oooooooooooooo

Goku was lost. For the first time in his life, his path was unclear. He didn't know what to do.

Should I have not approached Sanzo? He asked himself. Would it have been better to let him stay apart, like he wanted? Would that have been better for him?

...NO. What was so wrong about wanting to be with him? Why couldn't I have that? I've given him everything! I want to give him everything. Why can't he give something to me? It doesn't have to be much.

It's selfish. I know that! But what's wrong with that? Why do I have to give and give and give until I don't have anything left? Why does he keep just taking from me? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't help being selfish.

ooooooooooooo

It wasn't two becoming one. There was a barrier. Skin slid against skin, inside of skin, surrounding skin, but still there was a barrier. They could imagine that they were joining in every concievable way, two souls becoming one, but that wouldn't make it real.

There was only the desire to bring it to the next level, closer and closer to the summit. That achingly selfish desire for pleasure is what drove their heat. Each man wanted something for himself. It was only coincidence that those selfish desires were the same.

Maybe it was an illusion formed by the mutual desire to be loved, to be needed. Maybe there really was no such thing as love, or love had really died a long time ago. That wasn't what was important. They both knew that.

Though they were two seperate things, separated by a barrier, they wanted the same thing. That was what was important.

And if that wasn't love, then it was damn well close enough.

oooooooooo

The world is full of selfish people. People are selfish. That is the nature of life. Every thing wants to protect their own life and their own happiness. It was delusion to think otherwise.

It was because Sanzo knew this truth that he protected himself from the result of this truth. Temporarily, maybe, he could make himself believe in altruism. Goodness. Love. God. All that bullshit. He had once, however briefly, believed in that sort of thing.

But there always came that moment where reality strapped on its steel-toed boot and kicked you in the ass. Anyone who didn't move out of the way was a complete retard.

Sanzo was not the kind of person who liked being kicked in the ass. He'd stay away from that kind of bullshit. He always had.

Unfortunately, it seemed like he was getting kicked in the ass anyway. Wasn't life beautiful.

Let me be selfish.