Well, here we are at the very end. I'd like to thank all my reviewers:

Iceblitz, Destiny Lot, bffimagine, darthelwig, Wist, yuki, tigermink, altered carbon, SanzoxGoku Lover, backupsystem, Chocolate-Obsessed, mishka, ObsidianSpires, and jarmets...

for putting up with my slackerness and actually reading this far...

...and I'll thank everyone who didn't review, too, for good measure. XD

Disclaimer: Saiyuki is the property of people who aren't me, etc etc.

Sound of the Night

Chapter 16: Just for Now

There wasn't even a semblance of normality in the jeep that day. It was stone silent straight from the morning. Sanzo told himself that he liked it that way. Less headache.

The youkai attack at about midday was greeted with enthusiasm. Gojyo and Hakkai dispatched their share with more than a few nervous sidelong glances thrown at Sanzo, who sat in the passenger's seat of the jeep and picked off youkai without even looking. Goku, for his part, was less than energetic and killed two before sitting stubbornly down in the back of the seat and whacking any youkai who came within two metres of him.

After dispatching about half a dozen, Sanzo put up his gun and told Goku to get off his ass and kill some bloody youkai.

"Shut up."

Sanzo didn't even bother turning around. "What did you say?"

"I said SHUT UP." Goku swatted away a youkai.

"Just DO IT, monkey."

"Shut the fuck up! I don't wanna listen to you!" Goku stood up on the back seat. "It's always Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. Just deal with your own shit for once!"

Sanzo sat completely still, facing away from Goku.

"It's your stupid sutra! You take care of it! Why do I have to take care of you!"

"Take care of me?" Slowly, Sanzo turned around. "I'm not the child that needs taking care of."

That set Goku off completely. "Oh, you're not? 'My name is Sanzo and I'm an angst-ridden monk. The world revolves around me. My master died when I was young and it's all my fault. Now I can never love again. Boo-hoo-hoo.'"

Gojyo, standing yards away, could see the veins popping out of Sanzo's forehead. Hakkai seemed to be worried but slightly amused. "Why don't you just LEAVE if you can't take being around me?"

"Just because you're an absolute asshole to anyone who tries to get close to you doesn't mean I don't care for you!"

Sanzo stood up. "I never ASKED you to care for me!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"You've been calling for me since forever!"

Sanzo was breathing heavily. He said nothing. He looked around the jeep. Gojyo and Hakkai had long dispatched the rest of the youkai and he hadn't even noticed.

He turned around and sat down again. Goku's face wilted.

A pause.

"I'm glad you answered."

Goku looked at the back of Sanzo's head and hoped to hope.

"Stay with me."

Goku brightened like a child who'd been told Christmas was coming after all. He jumped over the seat and glomped Sanzo from behind, his legs dangling over the back of the seat, shoving the monk nearly to the floor of the jeep.

"Hey. Hey! Stop that. Get off." Sanzo peeled Goku off and shoved the monkey out of the jeep to land in the dust. Goku looked up imploringly.

"...You can do that later."

Goku grinned and bounded to his feet, jumping in the back to join Gojyo. Hakkai sat at the wheel, ready for Sanzo's word.

"What are you waiting for? Let's go." Sanzo grumbled and leaned back to get some rest.

Sanzo knew that it wouldn't last forever. He would eventually get hurt. That was how life worked – it's basically a bitch and then you die.

But just for now, Sanzo had to let himself be selfish.

For my sake.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, that's the end.

I had much angsting over how to end the damn thing. Somehow I just couldn't see Sanzo being happy. Or even resigned. I can't imagine Sanzo's life ever being anything but shitty. --;;

But I can't see it ending badly, either. Oh, well. I hope that was good enough. :P

Another one of the things that I have trouble with is fitting any kind of romantic plot into the whole Saiyuki mood/philosophy. Over and over again the words 'for my sake' show up, emphasizing the basic selfishness of people. Everyone has their own best interests at heart. Even when Sanzo jumps in to protect Goku from Rikudo he says that it was because he, personally, didn't want to be hurt.

I find myself being quite irritated when I read fics of Saiyuki characters (most often it's Goku) jumping in and being all 'I'll protect you' and 'hooray for unselfishly sacrificing myself for love' when Saiyuki has never been about that. The whole protecting someone else thing gives me Fushigi Yuugi flashbacks.

I was trying to show that Sanzo eventually decides to give in to Goku not because he realizes that his own rejection of Goku causes monkey-boy pain, but merely because it will hurt Sanzo more if he doesn't do it. It's a selfish desire to want to be loved, and Sanzo suffers from it just as much as everybody does, no matter how much he wants to smother it.

Basically the entire story has been a result of characters doing what they want to do. Sometimes following your own desires ends in disaster (like Hakkai and Sanzo) and sometimes it ends rather well. That's part of making your own choices.

Anyway, I'm going to stop trying to be deep now. :P