Warnings: No beta at all, anybody interested? Oh, and don't try too hard to find a plot at this point.

Author note: Just keep in mind than the Turtles are between eleven and twelve years old, because my muse says so. I don't know why, and just comply because when I do so it usually works.

Part 3: Raphael

Choose a quiet place; sit in a comfortable position, with your back straight to prevent becoming sleepy. Close your eyes but not completely, and turn your attention to your breathing. Do it naturally, without intention to control. Become aware of the sensation. Concentrate on it and exclude everything else. You will feel tempted to follow thoughts as they arise, but you should resist and immediately return to the breath if your mind wanders. If you do it right you will experience a calm, spacious feeling in the mind; Master Splinter likes to say the practice of mindfulness is the practice of being alive.

When we were little, Master Splinter discovered it wasn't really wise to leave us alone if we were bored. Usually, Leo and Don managed to keep Mikey and me under control, if only by coercion, reverse psychology and childish blackmail. But when I say 'we were bored' I mean 'we' as in all four of us, not only that non-stop Tasmanian Devil in green disguise that tries to pass as my baby brother.

Boredom is something that never ever Leo and Don should experience at the same time. It does not happen now, as Leo discovered meditation and Donnie discovered he enjoyed repairing stuff as much as Mikey enjoyed breaking it; but back then it happened about twice a year, and the problems that followed put on shame any riot we the younger pair could conjure.

It occurred only one of the times Master Splinter was out, and I'm sure he solemnly vowed never to let it happen again, as he spend the following days watching them with such intensity it scared all of us, as if they will disappear if he even blinked. It was then when we learned to read and, even as we all received the same attention, he seemed specially pleased by Leo and Don advances. We didn't know, but that was the first stage of his plan, just as introducing us to children books was the next.

Mikey and I weren't really far behind them on this new skill, but we didn't share their rapidly developing love for books; especially, as we discovered having somebody read a story for you was quite more enjoyable. I have never been one to freely recognize that Leo surpassed me on anything and this was no exception. Fortunately, Mikey was as hooked as I was, and it didn't take much persuasion on my part to get him begging at our brothers, puppy eyes and all, while he pulled them toward our bookcase.

Years latter we laughed while realizing that was Master Splinter devilish plan, to keep four unsuspecting little turtles occupied while he wasn't by our side. Donnie was the one that explained us the new words and gave additional facts picked somewhere else, but we liked it most when it was Leo's turn, as he was really good with the voices and had a knack to make the narration even more interesting. Mikey was more of an actor, and he usually had us laughing and rolling on the floor at one point or another.

I either played advocate's devil or kept myself quiet, trying to memorize every word, every image. I usually caught myself repeating certain parts of our favorite stories, low voice. Sotto vocce, Donnie said, and they named me our only approved echo, as Mikey thought it would be fun to repeat out loud every word they read. I acted with Mikey now and then, but most of the charm was caused by watching him being two or more characters at the same time. It is still behind my comprehension how he managed to simultaneously be the hero, the villain, their friends and family, any extra he could made up, some very convincing rocks, birds, trees and even the occasional castle.

What do you mean with 'too fast'? Well, let's try this one more time. And slowly, yes. First, you should feel as if you were sitting at the center of the universe. Don't forget it: here you proclaim your sanity. This is serious, stop laughing. Raph! Okay, you don't sit just like that, but with some pride and dignity. Cross your legs, relax your shoulders and rest your arms on the thighs. Rest. Raph, you have done this many times, you know how to ... that's better. Now, I want you to imagine two forces, one that pulls you up while the other keeps you on the ground.

How many can say a child book change their life? Well, I can. The book's name was 'Fearless Jack' and it was quite typical if you only got the overall picture: there was a hero, blah blah blah, he won a battle between pretty-good and ugly-evil, blah blah blah, he married the princess and became the king. The first time we read it, Donnie said it was unhealthy to feel no fear, as it was a survival mechanism. Mikey decided it was cool for him, and took the book to look at the drawings again.

I found the whole idea rater enticing, and suddenly understood something about me that had been there all the time, but couldn't put in words: I was Fearless Jack. We had always related to heroes, even when Leo tried to rationalize the villains, but this was different. This time I didn't want to take somebody's place and be part of the tale; I needed to be Fearless Jack on my own life. To some extent, it was already true.

That night found me on bed, sleepless and delighted. Conviction said that I had to read that book again, so I got up and went out of the room Mikey and I shared, just to found that it wasn't on the place it should be, on the bookcase at our brothers' bedroom. I didn't need to be a genius to realize that it would be at the same place my older brother was; which happened to be somewhere else, or so seemed to point his empty bed. Why would he do that? He didn't seem particularly interested on the story. In fact, he hadn't said a word after we ended reading it.

But there he was, on the living room's couch with the book on his lap. Just, he wasn't looking at it, but the wall in front of him or maybe beyond. The page were it was parted showed an image where Jack faced some random monster, but no matter how ugly and intimidating it looked, the hero's face was completely devoid of any emotion. With a startle, I realized that if he looked like any of us, it was Leo. Somehow that idea didn't make me jealous as usual, but instead felt really wrong.

"Do you believe Donnie is right?" he asked, out of the blue.

"About what, fear?" I said, trying to sound casual, as if this was the most normal thing to do. "No, I think it is cool to feel no fear".

He turned towards me while I seated by his side, taking the book from his hands.

"Of course you do, you are almost like Jack", he smiled. "But I was asking, if it has something to do with surviving; because if it is true, then I am the biggest survivor of the world".

I paused at this.

"You just said you are scared?" was the first thing I could say, still not believing what I had heard.

"Yep. Not always, but close". Okay, he obviously was trying to pull my leg, as he had never showed any signal of being a coward. I said him so.

"It is not about being a coward", he supplied "or at least I think so. It's more like, well, I'm scared about you".

"Me?"

"All of you. Donatello, Michelangelo, you. Master Splinter. Why is he scared when he leaves, or what if something happens to him and he doesn't come back, and what will happen with us then".

Did I tell we were very young when this happened? Even now, when I look back at that night, I wonder how a child Leo's age could ever think about such a concept. No wonder I failed to grasp the idea at all and instead decided to do things my way, which already was, felt insulted.

"Hey! So I'm toast?"

"Uh?"

"You said fear is necessary to survive and that I'm fearless". Wait, wasn't that what I wanted to be? "If what you said is true, then I'm dead meat!"

"I said you are almost fearless", this obviously amused him a lot. "And, anyway, I think I have enough survivalism to share with you".

"I don't think that word exists", I snickered.

"Whatever", he rolled his eyes. "Do you want to hear the story again?"

"Would you read it just for me?"

"Well, if you bring our pillows and sheets, I might think about it". He didn't have to say that again, as I immediately ran toward our rooms, to retrieve the mentioned objects.

I didn't noticed that night, or the next nights, but Leo words changed me if only a little and very slowly. While we grew up, he perfected his cold façade and self collected demeanor, but he couldn't trick me as he did with our brothers. That defined our relationship, in two different ways. First, I knew that he wasn't as emotionless as he tried to appear, and that he envied me, if only a little. I used this on my advantage, which made things kind of strain between us.

Second, I understood him better than anybody else, with the possible exception of himself. Even when we were very much like oil and water, both in front of the others and in private, there were those times when he left all his defenses low in my presence. He told me about his fears, how he felt about this and that, and it surprised me how much he knew about each one of us. I still don't know why he chose me, but I like to believe this is how he keeps his promise, and shares his survivalism with me.

Tuck your chin slightly in and, softly, focus your gaze downward. Open your mouth, just a little. At this point you should be able to relate yourself to some key words. Comfort. Dignity. Confidence. You can change your posture a little if you need to. Now, the basis is to notice your breath. The breath is something that is constant; it will keep you focused and bring you back when you start to think; it will allow you to relate with the mind. Do not alter the breath at all, just notice it going out, and then notice a gap, a space, when breathing in.

There are some facts nobody can deny: night follows day, day follows night, snow is cold while rain is wet, the earth is round but we don't fall, certain kinds of light attracts certain kinds of flying bugs; and, during our childhood years, Mikey attracted nightmares. It was so bad that I told him it seemed as if every night monster in New York had a city map with an arrow that said 'Mikey is here'. Of course, it turned to be a not-really-bright idea, as he kept me wake up every single night for the next week. Sharing rooms sucked.

After I almost accidentally kill myself with a sponge, Master Splinter decided it was time to find a solution to Mikey's problem. Well, that's not completely true; he had been looking for a way to lessen his fears, but nothing seemed to work until he gave my baby brother a dream catcher. I found it extremely irrational and so did Donnie, but we decided to keep our mouths shut, which turned to be the best curse of action. Because, dude, it worked. I didn't know how or why and I really didn't care, as the only important thing was to get a whole night sleep.

It was just after some days of good sleep when Donnie started to wonder, meaning we had to hear him reciting random mythology facts. Fortunately, it turned to be pretty interesting, especially when Donnie skepticism and Mikey ingenuousness met. I remained impartial until the dolls subject. I mean, to hang some feathery object near your bed was one thing; to own a doll was the worst girlish thing you could ever think of. But Mikey, being Mikey, paid no attention, and made Donnie tell him every single bit about it, which really wasn't too much.

I am not implying my brother was … well, girly. In fact, his enthusiasm was kind of contagious and at the end I even found the concept somewhat appealing, although I never admitted that. The basic idea behind dream catchers is that they are some kind of web where bad dreams get stuck. Nightmare dolls, on the other hand, were used to represent a person, confusing evil spirits into harming the doll instead of the real person. You got to recognize that making your monsters look stupid was an enticing notion.

Mikey found some drawings and, needle in hand, made himself a nightmare doll, or so we believed. It wasn't until two weeks passed that we began to wonder why the shell did it took so much time. Then, one night after dinner, he put four tiny dolls on the table and told us to choose ours. I found obvious that the best looking one was the last he did, and concluded his skills improved dramatically, as proved the first one, a tortured-looking object. I took the poor little thing and throw it to Leo, who removed a strip of his bandana and tied it on the doll waist.

Remember, this is not simple because we always have a lot of things in our mind. I want you to deal with them by simply notice that you are thinking, let them go and return to following the breath. So if you wonder about the rest of your life, label it thinking. If you wonder what we're going to have for lunch, simply label it thinking. There are no exceptions, no good or bad thoughts. If you're thinking how wonderful meditation is, then that is thinking. If you feel like killing the person next to you, it is still thinking. No matter what it is about, just come back to the breath.

A week ago we were alone, and I got him to admit the doll is always on his belt pouch; no real surprise there. But then I had a really hard time convincing myself to ask if it really worked. He said he though so, but that it was more of a reminder and inquired where was mine. Somewhere on my room, I told him; we both knew that indicate I couldn't find it in the middle of all the stuff Mikey and I kept there. The subject died to never arise again.

Ha! Who am I trying to cheat? He was on my back night and day, directly questioning when we were together, keeping an eye on me when somebody else was with us. He knew, as I did, that something was bothering me; but I've never liked asking for help, especially his. True, I understand the reasons behind his acts, but that does not mean I like them. He is always looking for the wrong side of any given situation, linking our current actions to future disastrous ones, deciding what we should or should not do. The fact that he is right most of the times only makes it worst.

I don't like it, so we fight a lot. Mikey does not like it either, but Leo discovered long ago he can easily side-track our younger brother, thus making him momentarily forget the disagreement and do whatever he was asked to. Donnie … well, he usually was by Leo's side, as he never did a thing he had to be scolded for. But lately, it seems as if he had had enough of Leo, and I don't know why. In fact, I don't know a thing about this family anymore. Take Mikey, for example; he had been quietly moping all around, and there's nothing I can do except wholeheartedly regret any single time I have desired him to be mute.

And Master Splinter? It is wrong to feel the way I do, but I can't help but believe something is really, really wrong, and it is his entire fault. Again, I don't how and I don't now why, and this seems to be a constant in my life but there is nothing I can do when I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know a thing but I don't care, I just want this to stop, and I have never been so scared in my whole life. Is like this all the time, I'm scared, and I'm scared because I'm scared; and, because I'm so scared I fear I will lose my mind and get stuck wherever I go when I'm this scared.

I can tell you when it happened first time, the exact moment, the place, what was I doing. But, even if my life depended on it as my mental sanity does, I cannot tell you why, as I don't know the reason. I just know everything was normal and, suddenly, there was nothing but fear. Pure, irrational fear, which could not be related to anything or anyone; just wave after wave of breathtaking fear. And the worst thing, it has never stopped. It slowed down and became somewhat bearable, but is still here, tickling on my mind. And now I'm completely fucked up, as right now my worst fear is to be scared.

The most important thing is, do not try to stop your thinking. If something pops into your mind, let it come in and go out, it will not stay long. Those thoughts are the waves of your mind. If you don't bother the waves, they will gradually become calmer and calmer. And that's because nothing really comes from outside of your own mind ...

"Raph?"

I open my eyes to found Leo on his knees, in front of me. He is looking directly into my eyes, searching for something, my sanity perhaps. I'm still shaking.

"Is always this bad?" he asks but really does not expect an answer. A gentle pull makes me realize he is holding my hands and my grip has to be hurting him. Reluctantly, I convince myself to let go. Mikey or Donnie would be hugging me by now, but Leo knows better. Instead, he moves to my right side, legs stretched in front of him, and gives me enough time to recover.

"I don't think meditation is helping you", he finally says.

"Do you have a better idea?" I ask, feeling the anger rise between the retreating fears. "And no, telling Master Splinter is not an option".

I can see how he swallows his own objections; I don't know if it is good or bad, the fact that he is accepting everything I say.

"I don't want to fight about that, Raph; he needs to know, we have already discussed it. But I'm not going to tell him, although I expect you to". I don't know if this is a concession or a sentence, but is more than I anticipated. "The only thing I can think of is, well … when you have an attack you can't think about your sitting position and all, so maybe we should stick to breathing. You said it helps you to focus, and brings you back, right?"

"Yes. But that only works when I'm actually having an attack. That's not what I want; I want them to stop!" I cover my face with the hands, to prevent him to notice I'm crying. Again, he gives me some time to compose myself.

"It will be helpful if we knew what causes them …"

"It is not my fault!" I yell at him, not believing he said that.

"And it's nice to have you back", he smirks, and I realize we haven't had a fight in days. "But what I was going to say is that, if we don't know the specifics, we should try a general approach".

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think you should look for your nightmare doll; or, better, ask Mikey to make you a new one".

"You got to be kidding".

"Unfortunately, I am not", he admits.

"This is not the time for you to get all blue on me, Leonardo", I say. It may seem selfish, but right now I need the cold and detached prick, not the sensitive brother.

"I know that, Raphael", he smiles, and I can see some new determination on his eyes. "And you are going to owe me a lot, as I will have to trick both Donnie and Master Splinter in order to get a look at all the books that might help".

"My! I would never expect that from you, Saint Leo!"

"Fuck off, Raph".

"And now I'm sure this is a dream. There's no way you would let it slip twice a day".