Mal had successfully managed not to think about Camille and her kiss for ten minutes when she walked into the mess with red eyes and tear stains on her face.
"Why you cryin'?" he asked with more concern than he wanted to admit he felt. He just managed to stop from touching her, instead hooking his thumbs in his suspenders and rocking back on his feet.
A frustrated look passed over her face and she scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Don't matter," she said shortly. "I'm fine."
"You sure? I mean, it's just... you look upset. And you were, you know." He glanced away from her, feeling awkward. "Cryin'."
"I do that sometimes, okay? But I'm fine. I was talking to Simon and..."
"Simon made you cry?" Not that Mal was all that surprised; Simon had a way of saying the worst things at the worst times. Back when Kaylee had a crush on him, Simon had managed to hurt her bad quite a few times with is words.
And when he'd been goin' after Mal... it was actually funny how many times the boy stuck his foot so far into his mouth it practically came out the other end. Luckily, Mal had been amused instead of hurt, even turned on, in some ways, even though he'd resisted Simon's advances, ultimately.
"Don't take him personally," Mal told her.
"No, it's not..."
"What, Simon shootin' his mouth off again?" Jayne asked, coming into the dining room behind Camille.
Mal watched as Camille stiffened and stepped away from Jayne, bringing her closer to Mal. A look of pain crossed her face, and she raised her hand to her head like it was still aching.
"No," Camille replied, half turning to Jayne. Mal noticed that she didn't look him full on in the face, and she leaned away from him as well. "He didn't say anything..."
"But, anyway, whatcha want with a pretty little puff-ball like him?" Jayne leered at her and stepped closer to her. "What you need is a real man. One who don't waste no time trying to come up with stupid, pretty words. One that can you show a good time. When we get to Dyton Colony..."
"Jayne!" Mal said sharply.
Jayne looked at him in obvious confusion. "What?"
He was just about to tell Jayne to go sit down, when both Jayne and Camille suddenly jerked in opposite directions. Jayne stumbled a few steps back, and Camille practically flew away from him and into Mal's arms.
"What was that?" Mal asked, arms closing around Camille's body. She was trembling and breathing heavily; something was going on.
"Nothin', Captain," Jayne mumbled. He looked confused, more so than normal. Shaking his head, he turned and walked off to the table.
"What happened?" Mal asked again. He turned Camille around in his arms, but didn't let go.
She was still trembling and she was pale. "I'm not sure," she said softly. Her eyes met his, and the moment seemed to draw itself out.
Damn. He wanted her. As much as he didn't want to want her, he did. And it weren't just because she was pretty or nothing. There was just something in her eyes and... something. Mal couldn't quite explain it.
He should let her to. No, he should push her away from him and then kick her off ship as soon as they got to Beamonde. He didn't need another complication in her life.
But he didn't. Instead of doing what was smart, Mal kept his arms around her and looked into those eyes. "You're not sure?"
"I got dizzy." The tone of her voice completely changed. Where before she was tentative and distant, now she was firm and sure. Camille looked at him almost defiantly, and Mal knew that she was lying to him.
"Dizzy."
"Yeah. Dizzy. I told you, I had a headache earlier. Simon came in to help me with it, and I got upset, started cryin'. Just now, I got a little dizzy. I'm fine." She pushed his arms off her and stepped away.
"Right, and, how again did he make you cry?" Mal asked, angry.
"Kissed the girl and made her cry," River sang as she and Kaylee walked in.
"She kissed me!" Simon protested, right on River's heels.
Any blood left in Camille's face fled. Her eyes darted to Mal's, huge and guilty.
It shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't matter. It wasn't anything, and she wasn't anything, and yet...
"Seems like you really get around," Mal said stiffly. "Maybe I shoulda left you and Jayne alone for awhile, unless you already done him."
"Mal..."
"It wasn't like that, Mal," Simon said, stepping next to Camille.
He didn't know who he was angrier at. Camille for getting him into this mess, or Simon for knowin' him too well. Knowin' that he was attracted to her, and knowin' he didn't like hearin' that she was kissin' everyone. Knowin' that...
"Don't rightly care," he said, stepping around them.
Simon grabbed him by the arm. "I helped get rid of her headache. She didn't believe I could, and when it went away, she was grateful. It was a spur of the moment thing, she acted without thinking. Out of happiness."
He snorted. "Sorry, Simon." He met Camille's eyes and said, "But she's not that kind of girl."
Camille's face flushed until it was almost the same deep red color as her hair. Without another word, she turned, chin tilted up almost defiantly, and went to the table.
Mal watched her go, well aware of Simon's accusing eyes on him. He tried to ignore them, tried to ignore the twinge of guilt he felt at hurting Camille, but, gorramit, she deserved it. She was goin' around kissing all his crew, and that was just...
"That was unfair of you," Simon said quietly.
"No, I don't rightly think it was. She ain't the kind of girl who just goes around kissin' people without purpose. When she does it, she means it."
"You don't know that. You barely know her."
Mal frowned, watching as Camille talked softly with River and Kaylee, the fevered blush slowly fading from her face as Kaylee charmed her with jokes and stories and River stroked her arm, eyes, as always, locked on Camille's face.
Simon was right, Mal did barely know Camille. She'd been in his life only a week or so. They talked every day without sayin' what was truth, not exactly truth at any rate. But what they didn't say was almost too much for Mal to bear, and what they did say held more meaning than Mal wanted it to.
"Yes," he finally said softly. "I do."
Dinner was almost okay. Somehow, she and Mal ended up sitting right across from each other, which meant the spent almost the entire meal looking at each other. Camille tried not to go into Mal's mind, but it was impossible. First off, she was sitting right next to River, which amplified her powers. Second, she wanted to make things right between them, even though she didn't know how. Third...
She loved his mind.
It wasn't like Inara's, all calm and beautiful. But it was comfortable. Familiar. Truth was, she liked it in there. It was like coming home.
So, as Book told stories, and Kaylee chattered on about various things, Camille and Mal had a silent and unacknowledged conversation. She weaved through his mind, catching his confusion about her and his anger at her loose lips. He caught how uncomfortable he was by his attraction, how disturbed it made him, and how he couldn't wait for her to leave even as he wondered how he could get her to stay on for a bit longer.
And, in turn, Camille apologized and tried to get him to understand that her moving in on Simon had been act of desperation. And that she wasn't going to hurt anyone or change anything. She was going to help, somehow. Help. And she didn't... except she did... but she wasn't going to complicate his life any further.
Except, she knew it was already too late.
"Camille? Hey! Camille!" Kaylee shook her.
Startled, she blinked and turned her head. Everyone was clearing off their place, dinner obviously over. She and Mal were the only ones not moving, stuck as they were, staring at each other. "Um, yeah?"
"Wanna play a game?" she asked, a knowing smile on her face. "Or were you and the captain already playing somethin'?"
Her face heated again, and Camille swore internally. If River wasn't here, she wouldn't be blushing so much, but, gorramit, with the stronger psychic around, her control was shot all to hell. It was just like bein' around Prophet, only he had control over his powers, so he just messed with her to be an asshole.
"Yeah, okay." She rose and went to the sink, giving her plate over to Simon, whose turn it was to do dishes.
"I'm sorry," he said softly as he took her plate. "I could talk to him."
"And say what?" Camille asked. "There ain't no way to make any of this better. It's all my fault anyway. Shouldn't have kissed him. Or you."
"Why did you kiss me, anyway?"
She sighed and tried to think of a way to explain it without going into too much detail. Before she could tell any of them who and what she was, she had to talk to both Kaylee and Garrison. And Garrison would probably want to wait a few days after that, even; the whole base had been a mess after Prophet had been brought in, and it'd taken months to figure out how to get him under control, since what was done to him was different from the rest. And who knows what they did to River? There was no guarantee what worked on Prophet worked with River, since no one treatment seemed to work for all of them.
Plus, there was still the whole androgen blocker thing she had to suss out.
God. She was beginning to think in Mal's speech patterns.
"I like... people," she finally said. "And it's been awhile. Mal's a tough nut to crack, and I know he won't... Anyway. Your hands are so nice, and when you were close to me I just stopped thinking, and..."
"How old are you?"
She shrugged. "Twenty." About. "Why?"
"I'm just wondering. I know when you're young, your hormones act up, and I thought that that may be what's happening." He leaned forward. "You do know there are... ways other than trying to seduce others to help with the..."
"I know." But masturbation wouldn't help. What Camille wanted wasn't physical pleasure so much as intimate contact with another body and mind. She wanted to sink into someone during sex and release some of the tension inside her mind that was building up. "But I... I'll think about it."
"You might want to ask Inara for help. She, uh, might have... implements to help you, uh..." He trailed off, blushing.
Camille grinned and put her hand on his arm. "Thanks, Simon. You're a good doctor. And a good friend."
"You're welcome. Now, I really need to start with these dishes, or I'll never be done. Besides," he added, lowering his voice. "You might not want to be seen talking to me too much."
"I'm not interested in Mal," Camille added in the same low voice.
"Keep trying to convince yourself of that, then, because no one else believes you."
"I think you might be the brat."
"It runs in the family."
She rolled her eyes and turned from him. Everyone was still in the room, except for Inara, which wasn't unusual. Book was settling in on the couch with his Bible in hand. Mal, Zoe, Wash, and Jayne were at the table with cards; Mal glanced almost questioningly at Camille when she passed him, but she shook her head. For better or worse, she was going to be playing checkers with Kaylee and River. She was fairly certain that she and River could play without getting into a fight. For the most part, River was fairly even tempered, but she had a competitive streak, too. And her mind was trained completely differently from Camille's, so when they played strategy games, it was hard to predict what River would do. She was sneaky and stealthy and found patterns and jumps in the game that Camille didn't always see.
That wasn't to say, though, that Camille couldn't snow River under in her own way. Her training had been in combat and stealth assault. It was easier to use when playing chess, but checkers took strategy to win, too. As long as she remembered to view it as passing through enemy terrain--instead of targets to take down--she did fine.
"This isn't fair!" Kaylee complained about twenty minutes into the game. "Y'all keep blocking my moves; I can't get through."
"Sorry, Kaylee," Camille said, jumping a path that took her to the opposite side of the board. "Good thing you ain't the pilot; we'd never get anywhere."
River frowned at Camille. "Don't be mean." She moved, blocking Camille and opening up a path for Kaylee.
So that's the way it's going to be, Camille thought.
River's lips curved and she watched as Kaylee leapt a space. "No power in the verse," she mumbled.
Obviously, it was some kind of private joke, because Kaylee smiled and kissed her on the cheek. River turned her head, and kissed Kaylee properly; it deepened, River's fingers sliding through Kaylee's hair and holding her.
A pang went through Camille as she watched them. They were so obviously in love, so obviously a matched pair. As infatuated as Camille had been with Garrison, she'd never really felt like that. She was his lover, not his equal. Not matched.
She sighed and glanced away from them. Predictably, her eyes met Mal. They both stiffened and looked away, but a moment later, Camille felt her eyes pulled back to him.
He was looking at her, too. His eyes were deep, dark. Tumultuous. It made Camille's stomach churn and skin buzz.
Abruptly, she rose. "I need to..." Without finishing her sentence, Camille left the dining room.
What the hell was goin' on with her? She wasn't like this, really. She didn't... fall for random men, not like this. Yeah, she got attracted to them, but not with people who were so adamant about not bein' with her. When she was with someone, she liked to be in charge, at least of the whole seduction part. But Mal wasn't someone who could exactly be seduced, not like most men.
And she found that really attractive, too.
"Camille. Camille!"
Startled, she turned. Kaylee was running down the hall, hair flying behind her. "Hey," she said, coming up to Camille. She placed her hand on her arm. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You sure? You left real fast there. Did River and me make you uncomfortable?" Kaylee looked worried.
"No, not uncomfortable," Camille said truthfully. "Lonely, I guess."
Kaylee nodded sympathetically. "Sorry. Really, I am. I know that you seem...well. Lonely. What with kissin' both Mal and Simon and lookin' at River and Inara all the time."
"Kaylee, I swear..."
"Oh, I know." She smiled brightly. "I trust her, and I trust you. And I know River's real nice to look at. And y'all seem to have so much in common and everything, that I can understand why you're always lookin' at her."
Well, partly. Camille was fine with letting her think that until she knew it was safe to tell everyone about who she was. "Yeah."
"Anyway, I'm sorry we started ignoring you. It's just with River, sometimes I just gotta take what I can get, you know?"
Oh, interesting. "Uh, no. What do you mean?" Camille asked, trying to sound curious without being suspicious about it.
Kaylee blushed and ducked her head. "It's nothin'."
Camille wasn't going to let her get away with that, though. She stepped closer to Kaylee, her hand closing on Kaylee's arm. "No. Tell me," she said with the weight of her mind pressing against Kaylee's.
The effect was immediate. Kaylee's eyelids drooped and a calm, sleepy expression of peace fell over her face like a nightshade. "It's just," she said in a low, steady voice, "River and me don't fool around much. Kiss, sure, but that's it."
"So you've never had sex?" She couldn't have planed this better if she'd tried.
"No, we have. But... she don't seem to care about it much. Like, she likes touching me and everything, but when I do her... it's like she don't even feel it or nothin'."
"She's never come."
Kaylee shook her head. "Don't know what I'm doing wrong, either. I was always good at it before. And it's not like I can talk to anyone 'bout it. Simon's her brother, not just her doctor, and he and I almost were... you know. And Inara... Lord, I was in love with her for so long, and she was hurt when I got together with River, so I couldn't talk to her. So, no one else knows. They all just figure..."
Camille nodded and let Kaylee go. "Well, don't worry about it," she said lightly. "What River went through probably set her back a few years. Give her a bit, and I'll bet she'll be more than enough for you to handle."
Kaylee blushed deeply and looked away. "Maybe. Um..."
"I was just going to get a book," she said quickly. "I feel like reading for awhile."
"Yeah, okay," Kaylee replied gratefully. With a quick smile of goody-bye, she practically fled back to the dining room.
Camille smiled and went into her room. That answered that question. River definitely had the androgen blocker still in, fuck the Alliance bastards. The androgen blocker had to be the worst thing ever invented. It was just a tiny little tube inserted under the arm of each female the Alliance had been experimenting on; the males had something similar, only it was a different hormone and in a different place. According to the doctor back at the base, the purpose was not only to keep everyone's mind focused on their objectives and keep their psychic powers open. And, as she'd remarked to River before, sex really helped keep psychic powers from getting too out of control.
They all had to get their blocker removed before Garrison and the doctors could figure out the correct mix of chemicals to use to keep them under control. That could take weeks. And once the androgen blocker was out of the system, the body tended to overcompensate. Hence Garrison sleeping with her. Hence the presence of a Companion at the base. Hence the hyper-sexuality of ever kid at the base which led to a lot of encounters but very few relationships.
Which, of course, left all of them relatively alone and longing for something that none of them would admit.
Camille wanted a lover. A real one. But she was ultimately afraid to make herself that vulnerable. Years of being a guinea pig, being experimented on, cut open, and toyed with did that to a person.
She grabbed a book and her pocket computer, and went back up to the dining room. Zoe and Wash had disappeared, and Book was now reading is Bible. Simon was sitting with Jayne and Mal, playing cards. When Camille walked in, she saw Mal make abort and attempt to glance at her; the next moment, his hand sort of casually brushed over Simon's.
Simon slapped his hand away. "Don't."
"What?" Mal asked innocently.
"Ni juede wo hen ben ma?" Simon replied. He cocked his head towards Camille and added, "Don't use me."
"Thought you wanted to be used by him," Jayne leered. "Every night, more than once."
Camille sat on the couch and opened her book, listening and watching the boys.
"Jayne," snapped Mal
"We ain't doing nothing but playing cards, Captain. I ain't gonna talk all pretty right now. Dong ma?"
Mal held Jayne's eyes a moment before nodding. "Dong ma. Sorry, Simon."
"You're the one who started it," Simon muttered. Then an evil smile crossed his face and he put down his cards.
Both Jayne and Mal swore and folded.
"Where's River and Kaylee?" Camille asked, hooking her legs over the arm of the chair.
"They went to bed," Simon said, cheeks turning red.
Poor Simon. If only he knew the truth. If he was embarrassed now, imagine what would happen in a few weeks--months?--when the blocker was moved and River really did become a sexual being.
Camille had never had an older brother, even in her old life. The closest person who might qualify for that position was Prophet, and their relationship wasn't exactly what a brother and sister's should be.
Shrugging that thought off, she opened her book and started reading. It was an old book, one recommended to her by Garrison ages ago. The story took place on Earth-that-Was and dealt with cloning and humans playing God. It was a little pointed in some way, but, on the other hand, at least they were cloning extinct animals and not humans. Not only was it exciting, but the characters were interesting. She just wished she really could know what a dinosaur looked like.
"Hey," Simon said softly.
She blinked and looked up. The dining room was empty except for the two of them, and the lights were dimmed. "Hey. What happened?"
"Jayne and Mal left awhile ago. I got stuck with putting everything away."
"I would helped."
"You seemed absorbed in your book." He sat next to her. "Is it good?"
"Yeah. Do you want to borrow it when I'm done."
He nodded. "I often find myself longing for something new to read. It's not often I have the time or opportunity to browse a well-stocked bookstore, and Mal, though he tries to remember, doesn't always get the chance."
"You two have a lovely relationship," she said sincerely. "All of you. Like a family."
"What about you?"
Sighing, she shook her head. "I don't come from this. I don't belong here."
After a moment of silence, Simon placed his hand on her shoulder and said, "I think you do, actually." Then, squeezing her shoulder, he rose, saying, "Good-night," as he left the room.
Night was, of course, entirely subjective in space. As near as she could tell, they'd wake up tomorrow in time to arrive at Dyton Colony for lunch. It was something she both loved and loathed about traveling.
Rising, she walked through the silent ship to the cockpit. It was empty, controls on auto. According to the computer, they were twelve hours away from their destination. Definitely time to check in.
Her heart thundered in her chest as she pulled her computer out of her pocket. She took a deep breath and folded her legs under her body. Then, she turned it on.
The communication device that allowed her to talk to base anywhere in the quadrant was based on the same technology as the cortex. The only difference was, she didn't need a cortex account to use it. Everything was routed through the monitor on her occipital bone, giving her instant access to base should she need it. It also allowed Garrison and the doctors to monitor all the time, ready to send out someone to fetch her should she get into trouble.
It was a blessing and a curse. Freedom and prison.
She should get this over with.
Taking the stylus out of its holding slot at the top of the screen, she punched in her code.
The screen flipped. "This is Base Camp," Garrison's smooth, soft voice said.
"Agent CAM462 reporting in."
The screen cleared and Garrison appeared. He was as handsome as ever, eyes pale gray, short brown hair falling over his forehead, sensuous lips almost hidden by his neat mustache and goatee. Just the sight of him made Camille's heart skip a beat, even though, immediately after, the image of dark blond hair and deep blue eyes skirted through her mind.
Uncomfortable, she pushed it away.
"Camille." Garrison sounded relieved. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." She didn't know what else to say about herself. Then she remembered the first rule of reporting in: tell any and all injuries right away. "My monitor was hit earlier today. I got a headache from it, but I think I'm all right. No alarm went off."
Garrison's eyes fell away from her, and she knew he was checking the state of the hardware inside her head. "It's functioning normally," he said after a moment. "You should be fine. What about the three alert from last week?" He looked back up at her.
She shrugged. "I ended up having problems with the admiral. He stabbed me, and by the time I got help, I'd lost so much blood, I need a transfusion. Then I passed out. I've been fine since."
"Good. Where are you?"
"On a ship called Serenity, about twelve hours out of Dyton Colony."
"I have a routine pick-up there," Garrison said after a moment. "Charles Thomas has specs for a new terraforming method the Alliance is trying. You can go as yourself and drop it off at the next planet with a contact."
She nodded and opened a new screen on her computer. "All right. Anything on Beaumonde?"
"Oh, thank goodness, I was hoping you'd make it there soon. Within the next week?"
"Captain said we should only be on Dyton a few hours as most. We'll hit Beaumonde in a couple days."
Garrison nodded and punched a few buttons. A moment later, information began scrawling across her screen. "Dr. Edwin Rutledge is a highly placed scientist with the Alliance's research and development. His specialty is bioengineering. Rumor has it that he was involved with the Special Forces project."
Camille's heart froze. She was a Special Force project, only she never thought of herself as such. Not if she could help it. "Oh?"
"Yes. I need you to get some information out of his computer. The entire hard drive, actually. Once on Beaumonde, you'll meet up with Avery. He'll give you the jump drive."
"What about specs of the place?"
Garrison nodded. "But this will be a lot easier than normal. Rutledge is having a party, and you have an invite. You'll be inside, and, once there, I know you'll be able to get up to his private room and get what we need. As soon as you do, leave the planet."
She nodded. "Mind if I stay with the ship I'm on? If possible, of course."
"Who's the captain?"
"Malcolm Reynolds."
Garrison punched it into his computer, eyes flickering as information moved passed him. "Ah. Good man. Sergeant for the Independents, highly regarded. Managed to get out of Alliance hands alive and without much notice. Fought at the Battle of Serenity Valley. Ah. Yes, he's a very good match for you." He looked up. "If I were you, I'd stay with him as long as possible. Your philosophies on life and the Alliance are closely aligned."
"Yeah," she said faintly. "I noticed. Look, um... There's something else. A girl. One of us." Us did not include Garrison, but he knew what she meant.
Immediately, his entire attitude changed. He sat up, alert, all business, very serious. "Name?"
"River Tam."
He typed it in and was silent for a long moment. "How is she?" he asked after reading the information.
"Okay. Mostly stable, mostly coherent. But it's obvious that there's something wrong with her." She shifted in her seat. "Her brother's got her on some kind of medication, but mostly what it seems to do is dampen her abilities somewhat. It's a quick fix, not a solution. And she's really powerful." Camille licked her lips. "She's like Prophet."
Garrison nodded, eyes focused on the information before him. "Yes. Project Blue."
"What?"
He looked up at her. "We uncovered new information about the difference in schools. There were two projects: Green and Blue. Green was training special forces for their military, groups of assault teams to go in and devastate. Project Blue were being trained to be elite assassins. They were trained and experimented on a bit differently, as the focus was more on the individual than leadership and battle tactics."
She didn't want to hear this. Didn't want to know, and definitely didn't want to be reminded. "Oh." Camille swallowed and wished she hadn't brought this up. "She knows about me, of course, but I haven't told anyone else. Not exactly. But because she's so powerful, I keep slipping out of character. The Companion on board has pretty much figured it out, but the rest, I don't know." Clearing her throat, she added, "River still has the androgen blocker in."
"Wonderful," Garrison said dryly.
"She does have a girlfriend, though."
He looked up. "Well, that's something. How old is she?"
"Eighteen, I think."
"She's further along than you were, but she's been out for awhile. This will be interesting when we remove the blocker." He sighed. "Don't say anything to them until after Beaumonde. We really need that information, and I want to gather more information about River and Project Blue. Angel just cracked into one of the Academy's computers, so we got a lot of new information we're still processing. Keep in contact with me over the next few days, and I'll give you the all clear when I'm ready to bring her in. What's her brother's name?"
"Simon."
He nodded. "Oh, I could definitely use him, if he's looking for a change of venue. His resume is amazing." Garrison hit a few buttons. "I'll see what I can do about getting his money back, since his accounts were crashed."
"Garrison, who got her out, anyway?"
"There was a group a few years ago, Mason Greer ran it. His son was taken by the Alliance and he began to solicit donations to get his son and others out. Unfortunately, he didn't' have the resources to help those he liberated, so there are a few of you out in the 'verse with out of control powers." Gray eyes met her. "I finally managed to stop him, explaining what was needed. He works for me, now, but the damage was done."
"What about his son?"
"Who do you think Prophet it? His real name is Adam Greer, but you remember what he was like. Mason is lucky they both weren't killed when Prophet was taken out; he was so powerful and so out of control. I barely was able to help him." He sighed. "That's why I'm worried about River."
"Don't be. River's... River will be fine. Her brother managed to help her. She can function. Prophet... wasn't he comatose when he got to base?"
"He was."
"River's not."
"Well, like I said. Simon Tam has impressive credentials. I could use someone like him to help me out with you all. You are definitely a handful." He smiled charmingly.
It was meant to be a joke, but it hurt. Camille pulled her legs to her body and wrapped her arms around her knees. "Garrison?" she said softly. "Did you ever love me?"
Garrison's expression softened, and, for a moment, he looked his age. The lights caught the few silver hairs in the soft brown, and the lines on his face stood out. "Yes, Camille. I do love you."
"I mean romantically."
"As do I. Whatever happened between us, please know that I was always sincere. I love you very much but we weren't right for each other."
"But..."
"Camille, I am old enough to be your father. I'm in a position in authority over you. I rescued you from a life of hell, and it is utterly unfair for me to take advantage of all that that implies. I never should have let it get as far as I did. I'm sorry."
She looked away. "I was happy with you."
"But I only brought out one side of you. With me, you lost a huge part of who you are meant to be." He leaned forward. "Camille, did you ever read the file I gave you? On your history? On everything you remember and have forgotten about your life before you were taken?"
"I don't care."
"But I do. Bao bei, reading that made clear so much about who you are and who you should be. I loved the little girl that lived on that ranch, but with me, you'll never rediscover her. I'm poison to you as a lover, and we are over now and forever. You have to move on."
She sniffed and looked up, trying to prevent the tears from spilling over. "Fine. I understand."
"Camille..."
"Agent CAM462 out." She closed the link and turned the computer off. It went back into her pocket the moment Mal stepped inside the cockpit.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, but he sounded more resigned than accusing or angry.
Without turning to look at him, she replied, "I'm stealing your ship."
"Ah." Mal glanced over her shoulder at the nav computer. "And taking us to where we're going?"
She nodded. "It's easier just to keep goin' in the direction we were since I can't fly it yet. But I'll figure it out." Camille looked up at him and smiled. "I'm a lazy thief."
"I guess so." His hands were on the back of her chair. "You been cryin' again?"
Go se. "A little." She wiped her eyes. "Look. I'm sorry I kissed Simon."
His face turned to stone. "Don't matter none to me," Mal said stiffly. He sat in the other chair.
"Well then." Camille turned to him. "It matters to me. Because I shouldn't have done it, and I especially shouldn't have done it after kissing you. I'm just makin' a mess here."
"Look, it don't matter to me who you kiss or what you do on this ship. I don't rightly appreciate bein' used or nothing, but..."
"I wasn't using you," she interrupted. "If anything, I was using Simon. After I kissed you, I was afraid you were angry at me. And I was embarrassed, especially because I know you don't like me, and..."
"I like you," Mal said softly. "I do. I know you're lying to me about things, and that you're hidin' a lot, but... but I also know that you don't mean this crew no harm. You wouldn't hurt any of us, so, despite the lies, I trust you."
Camille looked at him for a long moment. His eyes were steady as they looked at her. Steady and sincere. Deep inside burned a light of attraction, which kindled an answering response in herself. She wanted to kiss him again, but didn't; everything was already too complicated. "Thank you," she finally said. "For your trust. And, you're right. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you and yours. I just wish things weren't so awkward between us."
"Well. Keep your lips to yourself and stop lookin' at me all the time, and maybe things will get better."
"Excuse me, I ain't the only one doing the looking. You do your fair share, and it ain't just because my eyes are on you. I know you better."
"Yeah." His voice was soft again. Contemplative. "Yeah, you do. And that's a little frightening. I'm not an easy man to know, and yet, here you are. Sometimes, it almost seems like you're in my mind."
She swallowed. He was so damn sensitive. No wonder he let River stay on board even with the Alliance hot on her tail. It wasn't just her pretty brother he was attracted to; he probably found River very comforting to be around, since psychics and sensitive tended to mesh very comfortably.
"Well," she finally said. "Sometimes I feel the same way." She rose from her seat and stood before him. "Can we start over?"
"How so?"
Camille shook her head and shrugged. "Don't know. I just feel like we need a new start, especially after today. I don't like feel awkward and angry around you."
Mal looked up at her. "I don't' fancy it much either." Then, he took both her hands in his. Turning them over in his, he studied them, thumbs tracing over her palms. "I don't generally want people like this. I like bein' alone."
"I know." She shifted her feet. "I tend to go after people I want, but I'm trying not with you."
"Why?"
Her heart pounded. "Because you view sex as being something special and sacred between two people. I'm afraid that... I'm afraid that you won't want me if I did go after you." She licked her lips. "I've been with a lot of people." People, not men, and he caught it. Not that he was surprised.
His thumbs pressed into her palms. "It ain't the number, it's the reasons. I have problems with cheapening sex with money. I respect Inara, really, it's just the idea of Companions playacting like it's all about connections and emotions and all. Religion. It ain't. It's about money and if they happen to like the folk, all the better. But it's not real. It's not..." This.
"Oh. Well, I can swear that, except for a few occasions, sex is a sacred thing for me. And..." It would be sacred with us.
Mal nodded. "But it ain't gonna happen."
"No."
"It's better if we don't."
"I know."
"Especially..." He trailed off.
Camille nodded and wrapped her fingers around Mal's thumbs. "I understand," she said softly. Bending down, she pressed her lips into his forehead. Then, she slipped her hands from his and left the cockpit, wondering when he'd notice that most of their conversations were with words they never said.