Chapter Five: Week Five

Saturday 26th November

Today's horrible incident: Alice got a letter from Frank. His mentor, the Auror who has been training him, was killed last week. F is in shock but sounds more determined than ever to succeed in becoming an Auror. James seemed really upset about it. He said some really kind things to Alice and said he'd write to Frank expressing sympathy. I saw the letter he wrote and have copied a bit of it here:

I know I irritated you a lot in school. You were so serious and I was so, well, not serious. But please believe me when I say I know how you're feeling at the moment and I understand and sympathise. I also really admire what you are doing. It takes great skill and courage and the fact that there are people like you out there, fighting for what's right gives me hope for the future.

You see this is the contradiction that is James. Sometimes he just knows what to say, sometimes he seems to know and understand what is going on, but at other times he acts like nothing is serious at all. I love having fun with him, truly I do but it is the other James that I think I could really care about. Oh I don't know. It's confusing – he's confusing. I think part of me is still holding out for that knight in shining armour who is going to come into my life and this world and make everything better. Isn't that pathetic and girly? I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago, didn't I?

Alice told me she wants to become an Auror too. That kind of surprised me; I mean Alice is so Alice although that doesn't make any sense to anyone who doesn't know her. She said she hasn't told anyone else yet. She told me because she wanted to ask me for help with her potions NEWT as she is having trouble. I said of course and I'm going to tutor her, starting Tuesday. I don't know what I want to do after school yet. That's kind of stupid since I haven't that long to go.

Today's funny incident: sitting in the common room watching Sirius try and flirt with Jenny. Jenny has a bit of a wicked sense of humour and he was getting nowhere. It really did release the tension though.

Sunday 27th November

Jenny knows about Remus' W thing! The two of us were sat at breakfast this morning when the boys came down. They were talking about calling Voldemort by his name (R hadn't been there on Friday evening because of W) and Jenny just blurted it out. The look on her face when she realised what she'd done! She kept apologising to him for being an idiot and looked so upset. R just laughed and said he didn't mind her knowing, as they were friends now. She went kind of quiet at that. I don't think she had thought she'd find friends at Hogwarts but she has. We all like her, she is fun and smart and witty and she knows stuff. I know she is sad a lot of the time but she doesn't sink into it, she doesn't brood. And how clever is she? It took me ages to work out about R's W thing and she has been here one month and she guessed.

Jenny gives good advice too. Alice and I were talking about her becoming an Auror and Jenny joined us. Alice was having doubts that she was good enough but Jenny told her that she'd know what the right thing to do was and that nothing should stop her doing it. You know sometimes if I believed in divination, I'd say Jenny was a seer, as she sometimes seems to know things before they happen. That sounds stupid and I can't provide any concrete examples it's just that nothing seems to surprise her

BTW James is keeping something from me. I think it has to do with R and the full moon. The other boys are always busy on full moon nights but I know they can't be with R for obvious reasons. I've decided to let them keep their secret – for the moment. J will tell me at some point, I have absolutely no doubt about that. I mentioned this at September's full moon (just checked back).

Tuesday 29th November

You know Alice is better at potions than she thinks – she just lacks confidence with them. I broke down the instructions for her, step by step and she did absolutely fine. I think she is going to make a great Auror, I really do.

I had a talk with McGonagall today about how worried I was for my parents. She was quite understanding really but it's not like there is anything that anyone can do. I think I just needed to talk. I felt better about it all even though she hadn't really provided any comfort. I think just being able to tell an adult how I feel makes a difference. Had really frustrating conversation with the other seventh year girls afterwards. I was trying to talk about the future, about the war that is going on and nothing. Absolutely nothing. Carly actually said, "I don't like to talk about horrible things, let's change the subject. Is James a good kisser?" I mean really, as if I'm going to tell her!

Later that evening, in a break from snogging, James asked me if I fancied a night out on Friday. Turns out, he and the boys are thinking of sneaking out to the 3Bs and wondered if anyone else would like to come along. I'm not sure – I'm Head Girl and I shouldn't really be sneaking out at night, setting a bad example. It might be fun though. No. I'm not going. Definitely not going.

Wednesday 30th November

How can I go really? What if we got caught? McGonagall would be furious and I don't need to hear another lecture about the responsibilities of being Head Girl like I did that time in October she caught me and James snogging in the Charms classroom. It was so humiliating, honestly it was. McGonagall can be terrifying when she is "disappointed". No, I'd be better off not going. So I won't.

Thursday 1st December

Alice said she's going and she's the 6th year prefect! But I'm Head Girl and that is kind of different so I'm definitely not going. And I've told James I'm not going so I won't change my mind.

Friday 2nd December

OK I went. And we got caught but not in that way. I think I'm a little drunk actually. And a little scared. Scratch that, a lot scared. Because some Death Eaters came tonight too.

It started out in a fun way. Sirius suggested, ever so casually (as if it hadn't been planned out beforehand by that lot) a drink to celebrate 2nd December. Nine of us went: James, The other three, Alice, Jenny, Benjy and Martin. Oh and me. We were sat at a table in the corner (somehow I suspect that Madam R was expecting us). Benjy was doing a very funny impersonation of McGonagall when Death Eaters came in! Second time this has happened to me in not much over a month. The whole pub went quiet – it was really scary. I was sat there waiting for someone to do something – there were only 5 of them and I thought the adults would, you know, stand up or something. But it wasn't the adults who stood up. It was Jenny.

Have I mentioned how much of a Gryffindor she really is? She doesn't seem scared of anything although she says she is scared. She called them all playground bullies and they didn't like that at all. One of them hit her with the Cruciatus curse and I couldn't help it, I jumped up and cursed him myself. I wasn't the only one though. Everyone at our table and loads of the adults cursed him at the same time – he looked a real mess. We all turned towards the other 4 Death Eaters and they apparated away. One of them shot a curse at Jenny first though and knocked her unconscious.

Madam R floo-called Dumbledore and Madam P came and took Jenny to the hospital wing. We all followed. She was fine, the Death Eater hadn't hurt her much at all and Madam P said she would be fine by tomorrow.

We are all in trouble for sneaking out though.

We were talking in the Hospital wing and James asked why she had done it, as the Death Eaters might not have noticed us in the corner. She said something strange then. Well not really strange but, I guess, something I'd kind of thought but never really put into words. She quoted Edmund Burke – I didn't know anyone at Hogwarts had read any muggle philosophy except me. She said that all of us have to stand up and say "no" when we see things that are wrong because otherwise Voldemort will win without a fight. She also talked about us working together. She said, "One voice might not make a difference but the lack of one voice might." Which was kind of true

Her Harvey sounds a fantastic guy. She said he was really brave and always put himself between danger and others without even thinking and that she wasn't brave because she had to come up with a reason to do it first. I think she is brave though; she's the bravest person I've ever met. I didn't realise that things were as bad in New Zealand as they are here but they must be or Jenny wouldn't be the way she is.

She's back in the dorms tonight so she must be fine or Madam P would have kept her overnight. We helped her upstairs to the 6th form girls dorm and she fell straight asleep.

I was talking a bit to James afterwards. We were talking about what Jenny had said. He sounded really serious (for James) and told me he wasn't sure he was brave enough to do what she had done. It's the first time I think I've ever heard him admit to anything like that. He has always acted so arrogant about stuff, as if he doesn't care. I guess he is just as scared, as I am deep down.

You know even with the Death Eaters coming, and how frightening that was; and even with the trouble we are going to be in tomorrow from McGonagall, I'm still glad I went. That is really stupid isn't it?