The door to Camille's room opened, waking Camille from her sleep. Unwilling to open her eyes, she let her mind open to see who it was. If it was Jayne, she was about willing to just let him have his way, but it wasn't, so she didn't have to pretend to worry about that possibility.

"Hey," she said, scooting closer to the wall so she could accommodate River's body in the narrow bed. "Something the matter?"

River shook her head and stretched out facing Camille. "Don't want to sleep," she said waspishly, sounding like an exhausted little kid who'd stayed up way past her bedtime. "I slept all day. All my life, it feels like."

Camille let her soft sign puff across River's cheek. "I know what you mean." She moved closer to River, until her head was almost resting on the other girl's shoulder. "How much... how much do you remember about your life. Before?"

"Not much. It's all images. Foggy. When I'm okay, I can remember more, but don't because it makes me drift." She snuggled closer to Camille. "What about you?"

"I remember everything. Now. But it took a long time. It, uh," she faltered, suddenly uncertain about everything. "It takes a long time. To really get better."

"What's it like?"

She licked her lips, trying to remember everything she'd been through. "First they take out this... thing the Alliance implanted into us. To manipulate our hormones. And you get started on some kind of medication to counteract the effects of having a stripped amygdala. While you're dealing with that, you get a lot of blood tests and physicals and stuff. They try to talk to you, but generally leave you alone until the worst is over."

"That sounds bad. What's worse?"

Oh, God, why had she even started talking about this? She could have just skipped it, except... except, really, River had a right to know what was going to happen. It was terrifying enough to go from almost completely sexless to needing it almost all the time; and River was so innocent.

"The first thing the doctors will do is remove... a little device that blocks the production of androgen in your body while still allowing it to... you know. Develop normally." Her face was so hot. "When it gets removed, you're going to want to have sex. A lot."

The frown on River's face only served to make her look more beautiful and doll-like than a smile would. She was so innocent, and her innocence was etched on every feature. Although in the long run it was healthier for her to get control of herself again and grow up--have sex--Camille was afraid that it would ruin the innocence.

Of course, that was stupid. Innocence and sex really didn't have anything to do with one another; it was more an outlook one took on life. If what River had been through hadn't already soured her innocence, then maybe nothing well. Or, maybe, like the rest of them, she'd become bitter and frustrated after Garrison rescued her from the perpetual fog that surrounded her brain.

"Is that why I don't have sex now?" River finally asked.

"You're supposed to be able to feel things down there. It's supposed to feel good. Really good."

River's smile was wry and embarrassed, a flush making her cheeks glow. "I thought I was missing something. I just like being with Kaylee, but she... it's different for her. I knew it was. Didn't know why." She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. "I'm scared."

"It's scary." Camille moved closer to River and combed her fingers lightly through her long hair. "What scares you most? I can help. Maybe."

"Everything. I love Kaylee. I don't like the idea of... you know." She blushed.

"Not being able to control yourself?"

River nodded.

"Is it any consolation that sex is fantastic? It feels great, it's fun. With our enhancements, you achieve a level of closeness with your partner that most people don't."

"Don't want to be out of control. I've spent too much time being out of control."

"Yeah. I know. But, if you don't let them do it, then you're gonna get sick. Stay sick. The medicines won't work, and you'll never be a whole person."

River's eyes opened. "You mean like you."

Camille wrinkled her nose in distaste, her jaw tightening.

It was River's turn to touch Camille's hair, now. "Will I have to choose a new name?"

"It's not a requirement, no. But none of us have our families, like you do. Well. You have Simon, and then you got everyone else. My parents are dead. Prophet... I guess he has a father around, but I've never seen them together. Mostly, if our parents aren't dead, then they're being pressured by the Alliance not to care about us. They don't care about us and we're not the same people we were when we were taken. And you're never going to be, River. I mean, you're not ever going to be the same kid you were. I think Simon kind of gets that, but you have to, too. You're different. I was different. So, I became someone else."

"Who?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

"You didn't just choose the name Camille from nowhere," River said logically. "Most people, when choosing a new identity, will chose something that is significant to them for a variety of reasons. I imagine that Prophet chose his because he's a powerful mind reader, so he seems like he can predict the future or read into people's souls. And Trinity was probably religious."

"She was a triplet, actually. The other two didn't make it out, though."

River nodded. "That makes more sense. So. Why Camille?"

She sighed. "Camille was a friend of my parents back on Londinum, before we moved away. She was... an eccentric. An actress. She could be anything and become anyone with the blink of an eye. It was amazing. I used to listen to her tell stories for hours, marveling at how she was constantly changing her voice and posture and... everything about her. People called her a bian se long. Camille the chameleon. And I wanted to be her." Camille shrugged. "Be careful what you wish for." She licked her lips uncertainly. "When I was rescued, I was so confused. About everything. And Garrison taught us all how to... be chameleons anyway, so it only made sense. I wasn't, you know. Her anymore, anyway."

"Kathleen." River's fingers played across her face. "Except you're not really Camille."

"It's who I am. After the academy and experiments and training, after Garrison got me out and fixed me up and taught me to live again, I wasn't Kathleen O'Malley anymore. I'm Camille."

"No." River wasn't disagreeing, exactly; her eyes were far away, hand pressed against Camille's head. "No, not really. Not... exactly."

Camille inhaled sharply as River's mind touched hers. God, River was powerful; just her slight presence was overwhelming.

"Camille is a mask, but it's grown. Kathleen is your past, but she's still in you. You need to learn to be both."

She pushed River's hand away, breaking the mental link. "I don't want to. It's too painful."

"Gotta do it anyway. Just like you gotta take your medicine."

As if on cue, Camille's monitor went off. "That was good." Camille sat up and pulled her book from the shelf. "How did you know?" The back panel opened and she took out the needle and medicine. Bending her head forward, she carefully probed on her neck until she found the device, moving slowly so River could see how it was done.

"Same for everyone?" River didn't sound pleased.

Camille injected the medication, then removed the needle. "The method of delivery, yes. The medication, no." She put everything away. "They did the same thing to all of us--well, I guess you were worked over slightly differently, since your purpose was different from mine--but the exact dosage and mix of chemicals works differently on everyone. Plus, where I was at least, we were all made for slightly different purposes. I was supposed to be a commander, the leader of my platoon, and a specialist at covert ops. There are others who were in my unit that were designed for tech work or communications or foot soldiers. I was a leader, and all of them were manipulated mentally to follow me. There were almost fifty platoons of twelve just like mine."

"But what would have happened if you died in battle?" River asked logically.

"My second was preprogrammed to take control in that event. They all were programmed for command just in case, ready to go online when it was there turn." Camille smiled bitterly.

"And if you were hurt?"

"I keep going until I can't go anymore." She swallowed. "Well. The medication allows me to stop when I'm hurt, but I'm hardwired to... never stop moving. Not unless I'm dead."

River took Camille's hand and squeezed.

Uncomfortable, Camille looked away. "It'll be good for you to get to Garrison soon. You're never really free of the Academy, you know. They made plans in case we escaped. Planted codes to set us off so they can find us quicker. I'm worried you might go off and hurt someone."

"Who did this to us?"

"Come on, River. You know the answer to that. You feel it ever time you take a bite of process food or see an ad on the Cortex."

"Blue Sun," River said heavily.

Camille nodded. "Blue Sun," she repeated. "The real power of the 'verse."

It took two days to get to Beaumont. Two extremely busy days. Camille seemed to go into some kind of manic mode, and it was drivin' Mal crazy. She was up before everyone else, doing that damn Ti Chi thing in the main cargo hold. She barely ate breakfast before she was working on her dress or running around, playing games with Kaylee and River. The running and the games weren't nothing new on the ship, but the way Camille played, it were like she was planning a war or something. And she only spurred River on. River, who was normally so quiet, almost invisible, was suddenly leaping off the railings and stealthily attacking people from under the stairs.

Grounding them didn't work, neither.

And now...

"What in tyen shiao-duh are you doing, girl?" he shouted, uncaring about the fact that everyone but him and Camille had gone to bed about two hours ago.

Camille bit her lip, pausing on the metal beam she was currently balanced on. Hands out to her sides, she teetered a bit before regaining her center. "Thinking."

"Thinkin'." He stormed down the hall to where she was currently, and very slowly, walking. "You could fall. One misstep, and your a smear on my hold, and I don't fancy much cleanin' it up. This is beyond reckless. It's insane. Get down."

"I'm perfectly safe as long as no one comes out and starts screaming at me. Then I might be in trouble. But no one is stupid enough to..." Camille took another step and immediately slipped.

Mal yanked her off the beam by the arm, wrenching it roughly. She fell in a tangle of limbs, crashing into him. He stumbled back, arms going around her waist, and crashed into the wall.

"Well," she said breathlessly. "That weren't stupid neither." Camille put her free hand on his chest and looked up at him with a crooked smile.

"What is wrong with you? We have a job tomorrow that you keep stressing is so very important, and now you're risking your life for what? A thrill?"

"I was fine, Mal." She rolled her eyes and pressed into him. "It ain't nothing I haven't done before."

He looked at her in disbelief. "You do it again on my ship, and I'm tossin' you out the airlock, ya hear?"

She smirked. "Aye, aye Captain."

"Ben de po fu," Mal swore at her. "I mean what I say, woman. Stop doin' things that's gonna get you killed."

Color flared in her cheeks. "You can't tell me what to do, liu koushui de biaozi he houzi de ben erzi," she shot back. "I'm a passenger, not your gorram crew. Not only that, but I'm lettin' you tag along with me on my mission, and if you piss me off, I'm revoking your invitation."

"I shoulda known your word weren't worth nothin'. A liar like you..."

"Oh, come on, Mal." Camille pushed away from him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Don't go actin' like your pure as the driven snow and I'm just some jian huo. You lie, too. And I ain't lying about... anything you need to know."

"Like who the hell you are?" Mal stepped closer. "Why has everyone on board 'cepting Jayne said that you remind them of River? Why do you know how to do all the stuff you do? Who do you work for and why? Who are you, Camille, 'cause if I have to trust you with my crew's life tomorrow, I sure as hell deserve to know the truth."

A stubborn set to her chin, Camille backed against the railing. Shaking her head in tight little shakes, she said, "Why can't you ask for yourself, for once Mal? Why do you always have to hide behind your crew, pretendin' like you don't care nothin' at all for anyone personally?"

"I have to think of my crew. Without them, I'm just a man in a ship, floating around the black. They're my family."

"And I ain't." Before Mal could say anything, she sniffed and said, "Not that it matters. I mean, I'm already in love, right? Just because he don't want me, doesn't mean I have to throw myself at the only man in years who don't want me like I am a jian huo." She rubbed her nose. "Jayne wants me." Camille met his eyes, daring him to say something.

Ignoring the flare of hurt and anger in his chest, Mal managed evenly, "That he does. And you're a grown woman, right? Don't know why a woman in love needs another man, but..."

"Ever wanted someone who wanted you back but wouldn't touch you?"

"Yes."

She started, then nodded, glancing towards Inara's shuttle. "Don't understand why you didn't just walk in there and kiss her." Camille looked at him, at his lips. "I'm sure after fightin' a few minutes, she woulda kissed you back and... and you could be in there right now."

Mal leaned back against the bulkhead, positioning himself right across from her. Mirroring her posture, he said, "Don't think I never thought about it. It's hell, bein' in love and bein' so close. Is that why you're out here? So you don't have to be near him?"

"Partly. But also because, back home... at the base, whatever, it's just... the same, day after day. I'm... I was ready for a change. Somethin' new every day." She sighed and slumped. "But maybe I do need the routine." Camille uncrossed her arms and rubbed on hand over the railing. "When I get bored or nervous, I need structure or I start acting out."

"What do you do when there ain't any tight-ropes for you to balance on?"

"Sex."

"Of course."

"That weren't a come-on. I get that you don't want me, okay? I'll stop."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes wearily. "It ain't that I don't want you, Camille. I... I do. But I ain't like you. We talked about this. I..."

"Mal," she interrupted.

When Mal looked at her, she looked completely different. Younger--and he was pretty sure that if she was twenty, it was only just--and suddenly... vulnerable. And that was vulnerable she hadn't been while bleeding and in pain on the medical table. This was deeper. More painful.

Like he was seein' her for the first time.

She took a hesitant step closer, brow furrowed, hands in tight fists. "I'm not... Sex for me ain't about just the physical. When I have sex, I get... wrapped up in the other person. Their feelings and emotions and body and... mind. I choose partners carefully. I'd never... with Jayne." Camille stopped a hair's breath away from him and looked into his eyes. "He's too loud. And Simon's nice, but he's... like a brother because I am." She just stopped talking.

"Camille?"

"I don't want you to stop wantin' me," she whispered, eyes dropping to his shirtfront.

He snorted. "You torture people?"

"No."

"Deal in slaves?"

"No."

"Work or support the Alliance?"

She smacked him on the stomach with the back of her hand.

He grasped her wrist gently and tugged her to him. "Then I can't imagine not wantin' you."

Camille raised her face, standing on her toes as she tried to tug him down to her. "Mal, please."

"I would. And I really, really want to, but the last time I slept with someone before a big..." He stopped and shook his head and said instead, "The last time I slept with anyone, she died the next day. I ain't superstitious, mind you, but I can't tempt fate." Mal cupped her face in the palm of his hand. "Not with you."

"No offense," she said, lookin' unhappy, "but as a woman who's last lover won't sleep with her anymore, I ain't so much moved by the sentiment as frustrated." She sighed and rested her head against his chest. "I can't sleep. I can't stop thinkin' about tomorrow, and we've already been over it a million times. But it's keepin' me up, and I don't know how to deal with it."

"Which is why you're out here?"

"It was calmin'."

Mal hesitated. On the one hand, the idea niggling in his mind was somethin' that, most of the time, he'd never do. Then again, he never really had a chance to invite anyone down to his bunk just to sleep. Or for sex, really; that sort of stuff was kept off ship since he never found a woman he'd been interested in tryin' to keep aboard.

On the other hand, he was gonna have to depend on Camille tomorrow. Yeah, he was good at what he did, but his plans did have a tendency to go a bit askew at times. And he really didn't fit into the hoity-toity world they were goin' into. Last time, he'd taken Kaylee and stuck out worse than a sore thumb; Camille, though, swore she could blend in so well, that no one would be able to tell she weren't born into the world. And, from there, she'd help him from doing anything too stupid. If she were tired 'cause she wasn't able to sleep, tomorrow might not go as smooth as he'd like.

Still. He didn't want her gettin' the wrong idea. She was too young and too flighty. Even though she said she wanted to stay, Mal had no doubt that she'd be out of his life soon, in a year at most. Best not to be getting to attached.

"Well, why don't we go to the dinin' room, get something to drink, and you can lie down on the couch."

"And how will that be different from lying down in my room?"

Mal shrugged. "I'll be there. I can read to you, if you like."

Camille wrinkled her nose and cocked her head. "You're gonna read to me?"

"My momma used to read to me when I couldn't sleep. I figure, some tea, kick your... well, you ain't wearin' shoes, but kick your feet up, then, lay back and listen to stories about life on the range."

Her arms slid around him until they were pressed tightly together. "And, when you're reading to me, where are you gonna be?"

"Well," he replied, voice dropping a bit, "I figured that, seein' as how tomorrow we'll be playin' married in the eyes of the Beaumont society, we might as well practice being comfy together. Platonic-like, at least."

She nodded and raised up on her toes once again. "Sounds like a good idea. I mean, we wouldn't want people thinkin' that we don't like each other. We want them to think we're in love."

Mal was in deep go-se. "Right."

"Right." She licked her lips, eyes fluttering shut as Mal lowered his mouth into hers.

Her lips parted slightly and tongue brushed against the bow of his lips. Then she lowered herself back down. "We better get that tea started, Captain, or... or I ain't gonna stop. And I don't want to die tomorrow."

"Don't worry," Mal said. He pressed his lips against her forehead. "Tomorrow is gonna go as easy as pie."

tyen shiao-duh "name of all that's sacred"

Ben de po fu "stupid impetuous woman"

liu koushui de biaozi he houzi de ben erzi "Stupid son of a drooling whore and a monkey."

jian huo "cheap floozy"