Title: Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Pairing(s): RL/NT (sort of), SB/RL implied, NT/KS hinted at, etc. Parody like whoa.
Rating: Um, PG-13? I don't know—whatever. Oh, and the MPAA did not endorse this fic.
Disclaimer: JKR, her various publishers and Warner Bros. are the owners of all you survey. Moo ha ha. The title comes from the Paul Simon song of the same name. Also, there are too many pop culture references to mention them all.
Summary: Remus and Tonks dump each other in an infinite number of universes that totally agree that Remus Lupin is gay gay gay.
Spoilers: For all six books, up through HBP. Of course, I'd like to thank the book HBP, the letter E, and Earl Grey tea, without which this fanfic would not have been written. I also blame the crack I'm smoking, honestly.
Note: Just because it is canon, doesn't mean I have to ship it, duh. Also, it doesn't mean I hate Tonks or Remus if I don't ship them together, although I respect the right of others to hate both of them, or either one of them, even if it's just on alternate Tuesdays. I'm sure Remus would rather have a new wardrobe, a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and a cure for lycanthropy instead anyway. That boy needs to eat, yo.
"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
--Paul Simon
Spent two thousand, five hundred pounds on a Muggle therapist, only to realize he's just not that into you.
When he finally agrees to have sex with you, he takes you to an adult toys shop to buy you a purple strap-on, and murmurs under his breath, "Yes, this is just about Sirius' thickness, and now with my eyes closed I can just…"
You discover the pile of gay porn wank mags under the cushion of his couch when you pop over for an unexpected visit.
After the funeral, where you have been browbeaten into submission and reluctantly agree to give the relationship a go, she tells you, "I love you, now change."
She refuses to morph into a man for you during sex, and you didn't even specify which man.
You bring up the fact that Fenrir Greyback has said that the only way he and the other werewolves will take you back into the colony is if they all are allowed to watch while you get it on with her.
He asks you to learn the Animagus transformation, so that you both can run together on the full moons.
He tells you that Sirius put a clause in Sirius' will that states that he will only inherit everything of Sirius' (except for number twelve, Grimmauld Place, of course) if he can figure out a way to bring Sirius back from the dead, and until he does, he'll remain poor.
You find out about his secret conversations with a certain painting at Order Headquarters.
And he wasn't just talking to the painting, either.
She wants you to name the first child of your union together "Wolfina Buffy Sugar-kissed Pinky girl."
Really, though, it's the fact that she wants to have a child together at all.
She suggests to you that you both go out into the wilderness of Denali National Park and live off the land for a year to better get in touch with the "inner wolf."
He hosts the meetings of the Werewolf Support Services for Lycanthropes of Alternate Lifestyles at your flat every two weeks.
He also hosts the Grieving Life Partners support group at your flat, every single week, complete with black candles and an excess of Chopin.
She's taken to talking and dressing like "Bubble" from Absolutely Fabulous. Wait, she's always done that.
You've discovered the bills from all his visits to Madame Swan, Psychic Contact to Those Who Have Passed Beyond, all in your name, and they are really damn expensive.
She shouted out "Kingsley!" during sex, and you asked her if she'd take pictures and share them with you.
Andromeda came over to help you both decorate the flat, and Andromeda insisted on you wrapping up all your furniture in plastic, because "it keeps the evil fresh." Then you realized that if you and she got married, Andromeda and Ted would be your in-laws.
He told you that you could be together, as long as you didn't mind the fact that thus far, grief has left him impotent.
She likes to listen to Yanni and sing along, loudly, while in the shower.
She also claims that listening to Yanni is the only way she can get off during sex.
He wants a sex change so that he can look like Julia Child.
Ted has compared your relationship with his daughter, oddly enough, with Charles and Diana's relationship, and he told you to watch out for fast moving cars.
He asks you if you can make yourself a functional penis, as opposed to a merely decorative one.
You discovered a leaflet for a ten-step program in his coat pocket entitled, "Helping Homosexuals Turn Straight."
You've seen her mother recently, so now you have a good idea of what she's going to look like in thirty years.
You found a bunch of charges on your phone bill made by him from a "Sexy Live Men Talking to You Live!" service.
She's offered to dye your hair pink so that you can match, plus buy you both matching pink jogging suits.
Hestia Jones sat you down for a girl talk, and produced a book entitled, So You Think Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay. She explained that numbers one through thirty in chapter six were especially telling.
All her notes to you read, "To Remykins, love Pink Honey-pie."
He told you, "It's not you, it's me, honest."
When she asked you to move in, she told you to trim your nails, because of all her pink and lime green inflatable furniture.
She likes to wear turquoise cardigans and collect porcelain kittens.
Thanks to Harry, she's started to refer to the fact that you're a werewolf as, "Your furry little problem," and you barely tolerated it when James used to say it.
You found out that her new Patronus is in fact a wolf, and not a dog, as you first suspected.
She took away your Ouija board.
He questioned you about whether you're into threesomes with ghosts.
You discovered her signed collection of moving photographs of Gilderoy Lockhart, complete with kisses made from fuchsia lipstick.
Professor Trelawney has told you that all his lovers are doomed to die a mysterious death at a fairly young age.
She's started to coo at all the babies in prams when you go out together, and speculate about whether she'll have multi-coloured were-babies when the time comes.
So you decided to tell her that the last baby you saw while riding the tube together convinced you that it was a reincarnated Sirius Black.
He calls you his "beard" in phone conversations with his friends, especially when mentioning visits to his parents' house.
You discovered his drawer full of woman's lingerie in his size, not yours.
She said that it was all right that you couldn't afford the Wolfsbane Potion, because she just didn't care.
You found her canceled wizarding cheques written out to the Weasleys and Minerva McGonagall for bribes in order for them to back her up while she tried to convince you to date her over Bill Weasley's mauled body.
You discovered that he supported himself during the twelve years before teaching at Hogwarts as a stripper at a place catering to gay men, and he's just told you that he's thinking of coming out of retirement now that his cover is blown with the feral werewolves.
He told you that he's glad that you convinced him to let you support him, as he's rather addicted to the wizarding owl catalogue with its special service of sending things from America with the words, "As seen on TV!"
You informed her about your weekly visits to the Veil, and she said that was "really f—ked up."
He told you that he was "a straight woman trapped in a gay man's body."
-End-
Extra A/N: Just so everyone knows, I don't hate Remus or Tonks, in case I didn't make that totally clear above. However, I do think that they are rather incompatible, and this has nothing to do with either of their supposed sexualities. Just my opinion. I'm up for discussing the point, or being flamed. Actually, I expect I'll just end up being flamed. Ah well.