Don't Let Go

Chapter 14

Peyton had become unusually quiet as her husband pushed her wheelchair out of her room and towards the elevator that would take hem down the NICU. A nurse had brought the anxious parents a wheelchair a few minutes after the doctor had given the okay. Lucas had helped her move stiffly into the chair and they were soon on their way down.

Lucas had noticed her quiet demeanor as they left the room. She had been so excited after the doctor had come in, nearly talking his ear off. Now he could barely get her to acknowledge his attempts at small talk.

"Is everything ok?" he leaned down close to her ear and whispered.

"Yeah, everything is fine." She answered quickly. Too quickly.

"You just seem really quiet all of a sudden."

"I guess I'm just a little nervous, but should I be nervous? I feel like I shouldn't be nervous about seeing my daughter."

Lucas stopped pushing her and came to kneel in front of her chair, pulling her close to rest his elbows on her knees. "It's alright to be nervous, you've been waiting for this for a long time. But if you're not ready we can do this a little later when you're feeling up to it."

"No Lucas I'm ready for this." She said firmly.

"You're sure?"

"Of course, nothing is going to stop me from going to see Emily."

"Good."

As she was wheeled out of the elevator and onto the floor that housed the neo-natal intensive care unit, Peyton felt her nerves begin to soothe. The soft pastel zoo animals painted along the walls of the hallway were supposed make the reality of having a sick baby easier to bear for worried parents. No one wanted to leave their child alone in the harsh environment of a sterile white-walled hospital but the pastel colors seemed to ease even the worried mind of Peyton.

They headed to the front desk in the ward and were greeted by a female nurse who seemed familiar with Lucas.

"Lucas, it's good to see you again. This must be your wife, it's good to see you're doing better Mrs. Scott."

"Please call me Peyton."

"Well Peyton, I take it you're here to see Emily."

"Dr. Cooper finally gave me the all clear." Peyton nodded, a grin spread wide across her face.

"Alright well Lucas knows the drill, he can take you back. And Lucas I know you're getting antsy about touching the baby but the neonatologist wants to keep her isolated for a few more days just to be safe. And as soon as she's ready we can start kangaroo care."

"Alright. Thank you for letting me know." He told the nurse before wheeling Peyton towards the NICU entrance.

Peyton turned slightly in her chair to look up at him. "What is kangaroo care?"

"Just a weird way of saying that we can touch the baby. It's important that when she's ready we touch her whenever we're with her. It's another way of bonding." He saw the look Peyton was giving him. "I ask a lot of questions."

After navigating the bulky wheelchair around several other incubators Lucas stopped Peyton in front of one with the words 'Emily Scott' scrawled on a card in thick black marker. Peyton leaned forward as close as she could to the plastic wall, the sight of her baby was enough to take her breath away. Lucas pulled a chair next to Peyton and sat with her.

"She's beautiful." She whispered, her voice beginning to crack.

"Yeah she is."

"I can't believe she's all ours."

"I still can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I'm a dad. And who would have thought that broody girl I fell in love with in high school would be a mom now."

Peyton continued to watch over her daughter, not wanting to look away even for a second. "What did we do in our life to deserve something this incredible Lucas?"

"I've been asking myself that same question and I just don't know." He looked over at his wife who had never seemed so happy as she was at that moment. "How long did it take you to completely fall in love with her?"

"From the second I looked at her I knew. I have never loved anything as much as I love her. And if it's possible I love you even more for giving her to me, for giving me this family." She leaned over and kissed him, letting her lips lingers on his for a few extra seconds.

"I'm going to go down to the cafeteria and grab a cup of coffee, give you a chance to spend some time alone with Emily." Lucas stood from his chair and placed a gentle kiss on the top of his wife's head.

"I don't know what to do here." Peyton said. Lucas had more experience being alone with Emily, he had a routine with her. Peyton was doing all this for the first time and she felt a little lost.

"You just talk to her Peyton. The nurses say that by talking to her she learns your voice and it's just another way of forming a bond with her."

"What should I talk to her about?"

"Whatever you want."

"Well what did you talk about?" she asked with a prying smile.

"Sorry, father/daughter confidentiality agreement. I can't discuss anything we talked about. You'll do fine Peyton." She wanted to call after him for a few more words of encouragement but he was already on his way out the door.

Peyton turned back to the incubator and looked in at the small sleeping figure. She was amazed at how delicate the tiny being before her was. Pressing her finger to the thick plastic walls she could feel the warmth radiating from the heated box. Her fingers left smudged prints on the otherwise clean surface.

She cleared her throat and decided to just wing it. "Hi Emily, I know this voice might not be familiar yet but I'm your mom. I haven't been around you much but I want you to know that it's not because I didn't want to be here, I was sick and I had to wait until the doctor said it was okay. I wanted to be here with you more than anything, I promise you that."

"I've been looking forward to being a mom since I found out I was pregnant with you, even before that. But you're going to have to bear with me when it comes to me doing all the mom things. I didn't grow up with my mom, your grandma. She passed away when I was younger so I didn't get a lot of her motherly instincts. I barely knew her, I was only eleven when I lost her so I really only knew her as my mom. I didn't actually know a lot about her life. It's the simple things like what her favorite food was or what her favorite song was, those are the things I wish I knew about her. When you're old enough I want you to ask me those types of questions."

"After your grandma passed away I was just me and your grandpa. He didn't know a lot about raising a young girl, he wasn't around a lot when I was growing up. He worked on a barge and he was gone for weeks even months at a time. He loved his job though and I wanted him to be happy again, I realize now that leaving an eleven year old home alone for weeks with only a next door neighbor checking on her was probably not the best way to raise a kid but it's the only way he knew how to do things. I never told him but I was really during those years and I became this angry little girl, and I don't ever want you to feel that way. I don't ever want you to feel alone because your dad and I will always be there for you no matter what. We're always going to be here. That's our job now and the only thing that matters. You will never be alone I promise you."

Peyton felt her chest grow tight as she imagined the day when her young daughter would grow into a woman and leave for college, and even though it was eighteen years away she hardly picture it without feeling a bit of sadness tugging at her heart.