a note from the desk of ethereal damsel
My brain was fried and it was 1:00 AM. So what did I do with my time? I wrote this. XD
Because some of the characters in this story aren't exactly well known, I have contrived here a handy guide, for your use:
sharingunbabi101: An incredibly stupid fangirl with an affinity for Yaoi and bishounens.
Aoba da Ameba: Well, Aoba's actually a character on Naruto, though an incredibly pointless one who does almost nothing except open a door for someone on the anime. The "Ameba" part of his name is an inside joke that even I don't understand (and I made it up XD) and what he says to Naruto about being his father is this hilarious joke on NarutoFan.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirl.
One day, Sasuke had a question he simply couldn't answer. And, at the time, the only person around to answer it was Naruto.
"Erm, Naruto?" Sasuke asked of him with reluctance."Could you tell me what vodka is? Because, you see, my family told me about this tradition the Uchiha clan has: when one is old enough, one shall take a piece of paper, dip it in vodka, and have one's destiny appear before one's eyes."
"Ero-sennin told me that it was beer."
"Beer?"
"Yes, beer."
"No, it can't be..."
"I'm telling you, it's beer."
"No, it's not."
"It's BEER!"
"No, it's not."
"Since you obviously don't believe me, I shall embark upon a quest to retrieve a flask of vodka!" said Naruto valiantly.
"Suit youself."
And thus it was that Naruto began the journey of a lifetime.
Naruto set off at that very moment. Being Naruto, he did not plan ahead. In fact, he simply left his home without any supplies whatsoever. But living in Narutoverse, things worked out well for him anyway.
Naruto was to be met with many challenges on his trek, but none were so strange as his first, being the instance in which he was challenged by the gatekeeper of Konoha.
"What the heck?" cried Naruto, in way of greeting. "I didn't even know Konoha had a gatekeeper."
"Well, they do now. M'name's Aoba da Ameba n' Ah'm da greatest desperado that ever lived. Reputation aside, Ah'm also yer—"
"Just cut the crap already and let me pass!" Naruto replied cordially.
"Ah'm yer father."
"My what!"
"Yer father. Y'see—"
"No, you're not."
"Yes, ah am."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, ah am."
This continued for some time.
"If I say you're my father, will you let me through the gate?" a desperate Naruto inquired.
"Nope. There's a question you must answer too."
"Fire away."
"'Kay. It's multiple choice. The firs' Hokage was: a) Tsunade's granpaw b) Nawaki's granpaw c) Both a n' b or d) hatched from an egg."
"Pshaw!" declared Naruto. "That's child's play for a seasoned ninja such as myself. He was hatched from an egg, of course!"
"Very well, then," the gatekeeper said. "You may pass."
"Woohoo!" The gatekeeper glared at him. "Bye, er, Daddy," Naruto added, with some reluctance.
As Naruto continued on his merry way, he soon came to a crossroads.
"Hmmm…Which way should I go? I guess it doesn't matter, since I don't really know where I'm going."
"Come with me! I know where the vodka is!" said a voice.
"Huh?"
"'Tis I, sharingunbabi101! But you can call me babi." :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:
"Who the heck are you?" For a strange girl had stepped out of the bushes on the side of the road. She was wearing a rather shabby-looking pair of jeans with a cat tail pinned upon them, a shirt with something called "InuYasha" on it, and a pair of cat ears. She had mousey brown hair pulled back in a loose ponytail and a pair of big brown eyes peering out from round, pearly spectacles that had a perpetually surprised look about them, like that of a deer caught in headlights. But most unusual of all, she was wearing a Konoha hitai-ate with the leaf emblem slashed through like Itachi's.
"Are you a member of the Akatsuki?" Naruto asked of her in bewilderment.
"Nah, I just like the forehead protectors. C'mon, I'll lead you to the vodka. This way, down the left path."
"How do you know where the vodka is?"
"Oh, I have my ways," answered sharingunbabi101 slyly.
As they continued their journey, the girl told Naruto all about herself.
"I like writing fanfiction, especially Yaoi. My favorite pairings are ItaKisa, KakaIru, and NejiGaa. I do like a few het pairings: SasuSaku, ItaSaku, and KimiSaku. When I do Yaoi, I love to do ItaKisa Mpreg!"
Naruto could do nothing but stare at her in confusion, for she never shut up long enough for him to get half a word in.
"And you know, I'm not a very big advocate for SasuNaru, because Sasuke and Sakura simply belong with each other!"
"Whoa, wait a second," Naruto interrupted. "Sasuke has absolutely no feelings whatsoever for Sakura."
"But that's the beauty of it! If they don't seem like they'd ever possibly end up with each other, then they should fall in love."
"Ahhh, okay…"
"And you see, the thing about ItaKisa Mpreg is that it would be real funny to have Kisame and Itachi revive the clan before Sasuke and Sakura do—"
"Claptrap!" cried a deep, indignant voice.
"What!" sharingunbabi101 answered.
"I said claptrap!" cried the voice again.
And suddenly, our favorite terrorist bishounen emerged, as sharingunbabi101 did, from the bushes off the side of the road.