a note from the desk of ethereal damsel

This is the final chapter of Vodka! Perhaps, if I am as affected by insomnia in the future as I was when I wrote this, I will write a sequel. But until then, mull over this meaningful contribution to literature (yeah, right XD) and beware the Upgraded Mangekyou Sharingan…

By the way, IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is a sort of breakfast restaurant and Crizal is a company that makes special anti-glare lenses for eyeglasses. If you're wondering why the heck I'm telling you this, read on.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirl.

"ABSOLUTE CLAPTRAP!"

"Hey there, hotness," sharingunbabi101 said. :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

"Who on earth are you?"

"'Tis I, sharingunbabi101. But you can call me—"

"So you're the one Kisame told me about! Writing degrading fanfics about me—"

"Oh no, they're not degrading, dear Itachi-sama!"

"How now? Placing me in awkward situations with that loathsome fish stick of a ninja—"

"I-Itachi!" stuttered Naruto. "Why are you speaking with a British accent? And what's 'claptrap'?"

"Claptrap is nonsense, hogwash, baloney, etcetera," Itachi answered dismissively, not bothering to answer Naruto's other question. "Now as for you," he continued, turning upon sharingunbabi101, "you vile specimen of a fangirl, I'm going to—"

"NOOO!" cried another voice, also with a British accent. Naruto turned in confusion to find that the "loathsome fish stick" had arrived.

"Itachi-sama, do not harm sharingunbabi101!"

"Why ever not?"

"She is a good girl of a mild and sweet demeanor who has ever been my most loyal fan. Do not use the upgraded Mangekyou on her!"

"Upgraded Mangekyou?" sharingunbabi101 said, with a greedy glint in her eye.

"Fine. I don't have time for such imbeciles anyway. Come on, Kisame; let's go back to the hideout."

"You guys are heading to your hideout? SWEET!" cried sharingunbabi101. "That's exactly where Naruto and I are headed! You guys have got vodka, right?"

"Yes, of course we have vodka," Itachi said haughtily. "And we might as well allow you to accompany us, as you would probably go and write some stupid fanfics about me and Kisame otherwise."

"Tubular!" exclaimed sharingunbabi101, clinging to the hem of Itachi's cloak. Kisame looked at her fondly and followed Itachi, and Naruto cautiously brought up the rear.

Why haven't Itachi and Kisame attempted to capture me yet? Naruto thought to himself. Well, I guess I'm sort of voluntarily following them right where they want me to be, but still…They're both acting really weird…I'll just have to keep my guard up. And so, bearing this in mind, Naruto followed them to the conclusion of his quest…an IHOP!

"Your hideout is an IHOP!" said Naruto, bemused.

"Yes, indeed!" Kisame answered cheerily. "One can never have too many pancakes."

"Whose car is that?" asked sharingunbabi101 curiously, pointing to an old Volkswagen covered entirely in what looked like purple snakeskin.

"Gasp!" Kisame cried. "It's Orochimaru's car!"

"How do you know?" asked Naruto skeptically.

"Look at the bumper sticker, thou moronic jinchuuriki," Itachi said flatly.

Naruto looked, and shuddered in disgust. The sticker read: "I brake for smexy Uchihas!"

"Yo, homeskillets! Sup in da hood?" said a voice.

"I am by no means a skillet, Orochimaru," Itachi said icily. "Home or otherwise."

"I pimped his ride," said yet another voice. It was Kabuto.

"The depths to which the Sannin have sunk," Itachi said, "have passed beyond even my sight."

"We be pimpin', yo!" cried Kabuto and Orochimaru in unison.

"Uh-oh…" Naruto said quietly.

"What's wrong?" asked sharingunbabi101 quizzically. She still clung to the hem of Itachi's cloak.

"There's gonna be a big spar."

"How do you know?"

"There are leaves blowing through the air, you dimwit!"

"Get out of my parking lot," Itachi said to Orochimaru and Kabuto.

"Oh, so it's your parking lot now, is it?" asked Orochimaru. "Fine, have it your way. I only wanted some pancakes."

"You won't be leaving this parking lot alive."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"Very well then…Mary-Sue no jutsu!" Orochimaru cried.

"Oh dear," said Kisame. "That is the most dreaded, evil kinjutsu one can conjure up…"

There was a poof of smoke, and suddenly a girl with flowing blond hair and blue eyes appeared before Itachi.

"Konnichiwa!" she crooned. "I'm the third Uchiha, Ayame! But somehow, I'm not even related to you, so we can fall in love anyway."

"Must :twitch: resist :twitch: Mary-Sue :twitch:" said Itachi breathlessly. He stood there, gasping for air like a fish out of water.

"I'll save you, Itachi-sama!" Kisame said valiantly. He bashed the Mary-Sue over the head with Samehada and she vanished like a bunshin.

"Curses!" Orochimaru cried. "Foiled again!"

"My turn!" Kabuto piped up. "Super Shiny Four-Eyed Glare no jutsu!"

"AUGGGHHH! IT BURNS!" yelled Itachi.

But Kisame came to his rescue again, this time throwing a pair of Crizal brand anti-glare glasses at Kabuto.

"NOOOOOO!" Kabuto screamed, writhing in agony before melting into a little puddle.

"Bwahahaha!" laughed Itachi triumphantly. "You should have known that your insignificant jutsus would have no effect against the all-knowing, omnipotent Itachi! I pwn all!"

"K-Kabuto…" Orochimaru stuttered, weeping over the little puddle that was once his most beloved henchman. "Now my life has no meaning…" Orochimaru ran to the edge of the cliff Itachi's IHOP was conveniently situated upon, and flung himself over the edge.

"Well, I guess that's the end of him…" said Naruto in shock.

There was a long silence.

"Anyone up for some pancakes?" Kisame asked the group in general, breaking the ice.

"Actually, I am quite hungry," said Itachi. "And I still need to give Naruto some vodka…"

The three of them headed inside and ate some pancakes, courtesy of Itachi.

"Here's the vodka," Itachi said to Naruto after they had eaten.

"So it is beer!" cried Naruto victoriously. "I knew it!" He looked around at his companions. "I guess I'll just be going now, shall I?"

They nodded at him.

"Just like that? You're actually gonna let me go?"

"Yes," Itachi began. "I've decided to settle down and lead a more simple life making pancakes."

"And I am going to attempt to woo sharingunbabi101," said Kisame dreamily.

"And I'm gonna love Itachi-sama forever!" sharingunbabi101 said, clinging even more tightly to the hem of Itachi's cloak.

"Well…er…good for you," said Naruto to them all. He started heading for the door, but then stopped.

"Oh, yeah…" he said with a look of dawning comprehension on his face. "I just remembered something…Sasuke told me about this tradition the Uchiha clan has…" He explained to them all what he was talking about.

"Oh, I remember that!" said Itachi.

"So you're gonna let us find out what our destinies are?" sharingunbabi101 asked. "Tubular! Can I go first?"

"Sure…" sharingunbabi101 took a scrap of paper she found in her pocket and dipped it in Naruto's flask of vodka.

"I bet it'll say that I'm destined to write an award-winning ItaKisa Mpreg fic!" she said, giggling.

"THAT'S IT!" bellowed Itachi in a sudden fit of rage. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!" He turned his eyes upon her. "SUPER-UPGRADED MANGEKYOU LASER! FULL POWER! TIMES 100!"

And suddenly there was only a pile of soot where sharingunbabi101 had been standing.

"sharingunbabi101…" Kisame said sadly.

Naruto took her slip of paper out of the flask and read it with a shaky hand: "You will be blasted by lasers…"

Itachi smiled smugly.

"…only to be reborn from the ashes, unable to be destroyed by any of the Akatsuki members."

"WHAT!" shrieked Itachi. And indeed, she had been reborn and now stood at his side, clinging tightly to the hem of his cloak again.

"Hiya! I'm sharingunbabi101's reincarnation!" :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

"NOOOOOO!" Itachi wailed forlornly.

"Well, I had best be going…" Naruto said, heading quickly for the door. He didn't want to be caught in the middle of this.

"sharingunbabi101!" exalted Kisame in joy.

"ABSOLUTE CLAPTRAP!" Itachi screamed.

And thus it was that Naruto's remarkable journey came to an end.

What did you think? Was it any good? It's my first real humorous fic (besides this weird psychological analysis thing I did on Itachi), so reviews would be helpful.

I owe some credit to my uber-cool friend, PlushKittie, for giving me the inspiration to write this fanciful tale. She had a dream about Itachi in which his dad told him to dip a piece of paper in vodka in order to discover his destiny. How weird is that? XD So I thank you, PlushKittie for the idea behind this bizarre fic.

Oh yeah, wasn't sharinganbabi101 great? To me, she is the epitome of all that is stupid fandom. I made her a fan of the most overrated anime in the world, InuYasha, and also made her completely obsessed with nearly every Naruto Yaoi pairing known to man (I'm not very fond of Yaoi) as well as SasuSaku and ItaSaku (which are both SO unrealistic, no offence) and a crack pairing: KimiSaku (KimimaroxSakura)! If I have officially converted you into a fan of sharingunbabi101, don't worry, she'll be back…