Chapter Four

Jamie blinked and tried to focus her eyes on her computer screen, but it was hard. She hadn't slept in just over seven months and she needed a nap. Her mutation let her exist outside of time, meaning that she could alter her age anyway she wished and be immortal by routinely de-ageing herself. It also meant that she only needed about an hour of sleep a year to function normally, so she didn't actually have a bedroom, she just used the sofa for naps.

But right that moment, she wished for a bed. Back home, she'd had a fabulously soft bed with the thickest, warmest quilt around and a huge mound of pillows. She'd always slept with her teddy bear Muddle. She wished for her bed and her teddy bear. But her bed was gone, and so was her teddy bear.

So Jamie wandered into the living room and collapsed on the sofa, curling onto her side. She closed her eyes and tried to drag her thoughts away from her long-gone home. It didn't work.

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I don't know why I called him Muddle, just that I had. He'd been my constant companion since I was two years old, and at some point had given him a ridiculous and pointless name. I tried to rename him a couple of times, but nothing fit, so he remained Muddle. He was soft fur was a very dark brown, his eyes a brilliant emerald green, and something in his short yet eventful life as my companion had caused him to get stitches next to his mouth, giving him a sort of sarcastic little smile.

I hugged Muddle to my chest, trying so very, very hard not to think. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be. I wasn't a freak. I was just me. I was not a… mutant.

Logically, I knew that there was nothing wrong with being a mutant, that it was just a leap in evolution that theoretically should help our species survive, but I had been raised by avid mutant-haters and I knew what would happen to me if I were discovered. My parents would hate me and disown me. I would be left to fend for myself in a world that hated and feared me. I would be attacked and hurt.

All because I had been born with the X-Gene.

I don't know why my parents didn't have me tested when I was born, but didn't think about it too much because if they had, I doubt I would still be alive. They would not tolerate having a mutant daughter. No way.

So what was I going to do now? Could I hide what I was from my parents constantly? What if I slipped up? What if I had an accident? Just what were the limits of my powers? What exactly could I do? Would I hurt someone? Kill someone? Was I a monster like my parents thought?

I normally like questions. They mean there are answers out there that I don't know, that there are still boundaries to my intelligence, boundaries that I can push past. I didn't like these questions, because I was afraid of the answers. God, I was so afraid.

Okay, I had to be logical about this. I had to be calm and collected. If I was going to be hated by my parents and kicked out, I should just leave and spare myself the pain. Right?

But it wasn't that easy, and I knew it. I was only eleven years old. Where was I gonna go? How was I going to survive? Was I going to survive? More questions, to which I feared the answers.

Forcing myself not to think about anything, I found my little backpack and filled it with a couple of changes of clothes, some underwear, and my hairbrush, toothbrush and toothpaste. I'd have to wait until later to get some food out of the kitchen, and some money out of Mother's purse.

Where was I going to go? That was probably the most important question right now. I was only eleven, so I couldn't go to a hotel or something without raising questions, and I sure as hell didn't want to live on the streets. A police station, maybe? Tell them I'm… having amnesia? No, they'd try and put me in a foster home and it'd be the same as it would be here, hiding who and what I was. So… where? Where could an eleven year old mutant go when she was all alone and terrified? I didn't have a clue. I just hoped that there was some place I could go.

It was late evening by the time I managed to creep into the kitchen. Mother and Father were both in the study and would be there for a few hours. I packed crisps, a couple of those nutrition bars Mother likes and some protein drinks and bottles of water. I also packed a large packet of digestive biscuits. I shoved some little sweets into the pockets of my coat and went to find Mother's handbag.

It was by the door, sitting next to the coat-stand, like always. Listening carefully for any signs of my parents, I opened her purse and pulled out a handful of notes, putting them in my pockets with the sweets. A few coins for little purchases and I was set.

I quickly ran over my mental checklist. Food, check; drinks, check; clothes, check; money, check; Muddle, check; courage… well, we'd see about courage.

Taking a deep breath, I quietly opened the door and stepped outside, the door clicking softly shut behind me. I crept down the pathway leading up to the house, opened the gate, and then ran as fast as I could.

I wouldn't notice until much later that everything was very quiet, my footsteps unnaturally loud in the eerie silence. I ran as fast as I could and prayed that no one would recognise me, no one would stop me and question me.

When I reached the end of my street, I turned and looked back at my home, at that place of warmth and security and comfort from which I was now exiled. Would I ever see it again? Would I want to?

Holding Muddle tightly in my arms, I turned away from my home and began walking, saving my energy for when I might need it.

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Jamie awoke with a start and sighed. She remembered that night so vividly. It had been the night when she had stopped being a child and forced to be an adult. It had been the scariest night in her life, when she had seen just what kind of people were in the world. It had been the night she had lost her teddy bear and her innocence.

"Jamie, you alright?" Selene asked, frowning at the little girl.

"I'm fine. Just had a bad dream."

Selene smiled. "You sleep about an hour a year and you have nightmares. Irony, huh?"

"Yeah. Did you want something?"

"Rogue says she wants to go over that mutant's autopsy with you. I've already told her what I could from assisting you, but you're a genius, and I'm just wicked smart."

Jamie smiled and stood up. "Right. She up in her room?"

"Yep, sitting with her laptop and frowning."

Jamie nodded and brushed past her, walking up to Rogue's room. Rogue was the only one of them to have a room to herself. Selene and Ivy shared, Michelle shared with Kar, and Jamie didn't need a room.

Rogue was sitting on the bed with her laptop perched on her knees, frowning at the screen, as Selene had said. She glanced up at Jamie and waved for the girl to come in.

"So, what do you need explaining?"

"You made a note here, that there was a strange toxin in the blood that hadn't been in the other mutants'. Do you know what it is?"

"Nope, with the equipment we have I can only identify that it's there. I sent it off to Adam at the lab and labelled it urgent. Should have it soon."

"Good. Ya know, she was a powerful telepath. Only two people have ever been able to control her mind, so either the Agency have a seriously powerful telepath working for them, which is doubtful, or they've got some sort of drug or chip or something."

"But I haven't found anything."

"Right. So, chips are out, which leaves a drug, but we should've found something by now. I mean, eighteen corpses and we don't have a single common thread. It's getting ridiculous."

"We're doing what we can."

Rogue snorted and stared at the laptop's screen in silence, praying for inspiration to hit. It didn't.

"Maybe… we're looking in the wrong place," Jamie murmured after a few moments, and Rogue frowned at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we shouldn't be looking at the mutants, we should be looking at who's there when we fight. I mean, these people want to dehumanise mutants, so they're making mutants go crazy and destroy things. Wouldn't they want to watch somehow?"

Rogue grinned. "You're a genius, Jamie! Can we get security camera footage or something?"

"I can try. I'll get Selene to help me out."

"Do it, quick as possible."

"Yes, ma'am." Jamie grinned at her in a rare moment of humour and walked out, leaving Rogue with her thoughts.

I wonder if the others are still alive, Rogue thought. And if they are, what does that mean for us and our survival? Will I have to kill them all? Scott and Bobby and Jubilee and Roberto? Will I even be able to?

Michelle walked in and perched on the desk. "Alright, wanna talk about it?" she asked bluntly.

"Talk about what?"

"About the worry in your head and the… fear? Rogue, I've never felt you afraid before. What's wrong?"

"It's… nothing."

"Bullshit."

"Michelle…"

"Look, I'm the empath, alright? That makes me the defacto shrink for this nuthouse. I can feel your emotions and figure out the solutions and whatever you say will be strictly confidential. So, wanna talk?"

Rogue hesitated. She wanted so much to open up to somebody, to pour out all the pain and hurt and anger. But… that just wasn't who she was. For years she'd hid who she was to protect herself, and she couldn't stop doing that overnight.

"I'll be fine," she mumbled, not looking at the blonde psychic. She focused on feeling calm, retreating into the white place inside her head where nothing existed, not even herself. She heard Michelle sigh and waited until she had left before looking up, her grey eyes filled with sad disquiet.

She thought mostly of her best friend and her brother. Kurt had been one of the first to be killed. He hadn't been a fighter. His job had been to teleport the wounded to their makeshift hospitals. He'd been killed when one of aforementioned hospitals was destroyed by a bomb. Her best friend, however, had been one of the last to be killed. Scott had been one of their strongest fighters and had one of the highest kill counts. Yet his impressive powers and fighting abilities didn't stop the bullet to the back of his skull.

She'd seen it one the television, watched the blood and brains splatter onto the ground, watched his powers fade with death and had seen, for the first time, his eyes. They were a deep chocolate brown colour, as serious and determined as he was. She'd been so angry when she'd seen him die, and wrapped around that anger was sadness.

That had been the day when she recruited the first Dark Rose, Ivy. Filled with all that anger and sadness, she had talked for hours with the feral mutant, and eventually recruited her.

When Ivy asked about the name, Rogue showed her the tattoo of the black rose she had on her right shoulder. She'd gotten the tattoo in memory of all the mutants who had fought and died for mutant rights and freedom, who had sacrificed themselves for the future generations.

The rose wasn't the only tattoo she had. No, she had one other, running down her spine. It was a long line of small black letters and read: Logan, Ororo, Scott, Jean, Kurt, Kitty, Evan, Marie. The original X-Men.

She'd thought she was the only one left. But Jean had been alive. Alive and suffering God knows what at the sadistic hands of the Agency. Jamie's autopsy had revealed several fresh scars that Jean hadn't had when she was an X-Man. Some were barely healed, others were years old. She'd said that it was the result of several classic torture methods, cutting and whips, burning and gouging. She also said that a number of scars were the result of… new techniques. She hadn't elaborated, looking slightly green, and Rogue had decided to let it pass.

"Rogue, dinner!" Kar shouted from downstairs, and she sighed, pushing aside her memories.

Michelle was the most accomplished cook out of all of them, meaning it wasn't a fifty-fifty chance of burning the house down every time she entered the kitchen. She'd cooked a simple chicken stew with little biscuity things that Jamie loved, and Rogue had a beer with her meal.

"So, how are you coming with the security cameras?" she asked, and Jamie smiled.

"Good and bad. I can hack into the system easily enough, but I have to download all the right shots, and then compare them to each other and note down any people who appear more than once. It's… tedious."

"Since when have you ever cared about that?" Selene asked, smiling, and Jamie frowned at her.

"I don't, it's just this isn't even remotely interesting, not at this stage. All I'm doing is downloading footage. Once that's done, it'll be interesting, but until then it's just boring."

"Poor baby."

"Shut up, you don't like it anymore than I do."

"True."

The rest of dinner passed with nothing more than polite chit-chat and rude jokes from Kar. It was Michelle and Selene's turn to do the dishes, so everyone else drifted into the living room.

"Rogue, I got a question," Kar said, flicking onto a music channel.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. When we find these guys, what're we gonna do? I mean, we've never really gone into the details, just that we're gonna stop them."

Rogue thought for a moment and then said in a quiet voice, "We're going to kill them."

"All of them?"

"Yep. Anyone who had a hand in the controlling-mutants project. We'll kill them all, and salt the earth, as the saying goes. I am going to make sure that no one ever even thinks of restarting the project."

"But… that's cold-blooded murder."

"So?"

Kar just stared at her. He'd had a hand in killing the previous mutants, but that had been life-and-death, them-or-us situations. He wasn't sure he could go and kill a bunch of people he'd never met, no matter what they'd done.

Rogue saw all this in his eyes and sighed, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees.

"Alright, I guess this had to happen sooner or later. I am a killer. I've killed dozens and will kill again. Anyone who messes with me or those I care about will eat a bullet. I have no problems with killing anyone who deserves it, and these bastards definitely deserve it. So I am going to slaughter them. You guys are a fantastic group, and I love you all, but if you can't handle that, then you need to leave now. We have a solid theory for the first time, and this might just be the turning point for us. Everything we have fought and bled for is leading to the murder of the bastards we know as the Agency. So, again, if you can't handle that, leave. I won't stop you, and I won't hurt you, as long as you don't try and stop us. It's your choice. But decide tonight."

She stood up and left, graceful and unconcerned; at least on the outside. On the inside, she was worried about what they would decide. She had grown close to her team mates and didn't want to lose them. But she couldn't force them to be murderers either. She wouldn't train them and mould them to be what she wanted and not care about how they felt. She wouldn't be like her damned mother.

Sitting down on her bed, she pulled out her journal and ran her fingers over the name embossed in gold on the black cover. She opened it, found a pen, and began to write. Her journal was a mixture of journal, to do list, and archive of poetry. It was her most prized possession and had been with her since her days as an X-Man.

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Thoughts and worries buzzing in my head,

Will they all stop, if I was dead?

Would this aching pain leave my soul?

Will resting peace fill the gaping hole?

Something's missing, something's lost

I must survive, at any cost

But my life is so empty, my life is so grey

The pain I feel inside, I never can say

They must not find out, they cannot know

They could never understand the extent of my woe

So I'll put on a smile, hide behind my mask

And pretend that it's not a tiring task.

I'll pretend that I'm happy, I'll pretend that I'm fine

And I'll keep the pain inside, the pain that is mine

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Someone knocked on the door and Rogue quickly put her journal away, composing her features into a distantly interested expression.

"Come in," she called, and the door opened to reveal Selene. The brunette closed the door and leaned against it, hands behind her back. "Something wrong?"

"No. I heard what you said."

"And?"

"And I wanted you to know that I'm staying. I'm not really okay with the killing, I don't think I ever will be, but… these people are evil, and I don't think anything short of death will stop them. If they don't die, they'll continue hurting mutants. I've seen some fucked up things, it's hard not to when you live in New York, and… it always made me sad that no one ever tried to help all those people. I mean, some of them were just little kids! But everyone was too absorbed in their own lives to care. It always made me so sad and so angry. And I don't wanna be one of them. I want to help people, to protect them. When you found me, you promised you'd help me do that. And if that means killing… so be it."

Rogue just looked at her for a moment, and then smiled. "Thank you, Selene."

"No problem. Listen, I know I had one this morning, but is it cool if I take a shower?"

"Ask Kar, it's his turn."

"Oh, damn. He's gonna want a favour." Selene pulled a face, but when to find Kar. He was still in the living room, frowning and absently kicking his foot to the beat of the song currently playing on the TV. "Uh, Kar?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I take a shower? It's your turn."

"Sure."

Selene blinked at the distant answer. He must still be thinking about what Rogue said, she thought. She hesitated in leaving, wondering if perhaps he needed to talk to someone. Although Michelle was their unofficial shrink, sometimes a psychic was the last person you wanted to talk to, because sometimes you didn't want to talk to someone who knew your thoughts and emotions better than you yourself did.

"Uh, Kar?" she asked hesitantly, taking a step back into the living room.

"Hmm?"

"Do you, ah, wanna talk?"

"Hm? About what?"

"About your decision on whether or not to become a murderer."

Kar pulled a face and sighed. "It's just… I don't know if I can do it."

"Well… what do you think we're doing?"

"Killing people."

"And that's it?"

Kar looked confused, and Selene noted absently that he looked kinda cute when he was confused. "Whaddya mean?"

He obviously hasn't thought this through, Selene thought, flopping down in an armchair. "Okay, so these guys are capturing, torturing and probably killing mutants, in order to get mutants de-humanised and arrested and executed. They've tortured eighteen that we know of, and probably dozens more. Remember the fourth mutant we fought? He was only nine years old, and had scars all over his body. These guys have no problems with torturing and killing little kids, because they don't see them as human. They will continue doing this shit until someone stops them, and seeing as they belong to some branch of the government, imprisonment won't happen. The only thing that will stop them is death. And the only people who can and will kill them is us. Now, do you want to back out and let them continue hurting all those mutants who's only crime was being born with the X-Gene?"

"No, I'm not saying that they don't need to die. It's just… I'm not sure if I can kill them. I just don't know if I can do it."

"Well, the only real way to find out is to try. I'm pretty sure I can kill them, but there's this tiny little part of me that wonders if I'll hesitate. I don't think I will, but I might. Rogue won't, because she's killed before. This is a milestone for any human being, one that not everyone has to pass. It's a simple question, really: can you kill in cold-blood if the person needs to die? Almost anyone can kill if their own lives or the lives of the ones they love are in danger, but few can go out and kill someone they've never met just because they need killing. You have to decide that for yourself. No one can make the decision for you."

Kar smiled mirthlessly and muttered, "I almost wish they could."

"You're not good at following just anyone's orders, Kar."

"Yeah, but if Rogue ordered me to do it, I would."

"Rogue wouldn't do that. She's very serious about us making our own decisions. She doesn't want us to be little puppets."

"Yeah, I've noticed that." Kar frowned, and then shrugged. "Kind of a shame really. Having a beautiful woman boss me around would be kinda fun."

Selene quirked an eyebrow. "You want some woman to boss you around?"

"Well… maybe. It'd be interesting to say the least."

Selene shook her head with a rueful smile. "I always knew you were weird. Well, I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Yeah, okay-hey, wait, it's my turn!"

"Yes, it is."

"If you want a shower, you owe me a favour."

"No I don't. You already agreed."

"I-you-I… aw, fuck it."