Potions Storeroom Madness: The Prequel
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter
Chapter Three
Last Chapter:
Remus opened his mouth to remind Sirius that 'cheer-upperer' and 'thingamabob' were not sane words but was silenced as the shiny, glinty thing went down his esophagus and into his stomach, ready to be digested into another chapter of randomness…
Remus the Impersonator
"Noooo," Peter moaned interror as Remus's face adopted a look of utter horror as the shiny glinty thing ran down his throat.
Note to self: Never, ever, ever, EVER swallow a shiny, glinty that someone gave to someone else who gave it to you that was wedged up in the corner of a Potions Storeroom.
There was a stunned silence (In which Sirius took a chance to pick his nose and oink like a pig) and then Remus's eyes took on the same glazed look as James and Sirius. But he didn't explode unlike his predecessors. Instead, he whacked poor Peter on the head.
"AHHHHH! My head!" Peter yelled.
Without looking at him, Remus bent his head as if he were bowing to the closed cupboard door and muttered a few incomprehensible sentences, whilst shooting shifty glances at Peter.
"Remus?" Peter squeaked, hoping his werewolf friend was at least still partly sane.
Moving a hand to wave in front of Remus's muttering face, Peter yanked his hand back as Remus burst into a very weird chorus.
"I'm a llama, yes I am! I am a true llamaa!"
This was the trigger for James and Sirius.
"WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS-"
"Piggies are the best! Piggies reign supreme!"
Peter covered his ears and cowered under the combined fierce bellows of James, Sirius and Remus. Whimpering like the rat he was, Peter attempted to unbolt the door. But he was blocked in his attempt by a very drunken-looking Remus Lupin.
Swinging his arms in a chicken-like movement, Remus swung to the left and right, all the time bellowing an off-tune chant.
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me!"
"PIGGIES!"
"Silent night…holy night…all is-"
James stopped as Remus jabbed him in the face with a still widely swinging arm. Remus had a silly, idiotic sort of grin on his face, the kind that Sirius had now borne for almost half an hour.
Still pumping his arms, Remus began yodeling like the idiot the shiny, glinty thing had made him. Peter covered his ears as Remus switched, without effort, to an ear-shattering opera solo.
There was a long, ringing silence after Remus's, rather belated, song. Then, Remus began his onslaught as an impersonator.
"Potter! Black! Detention for a year my boys!" He said, imitating a strange, deep voice that Professor Slughorn usually bore.
"Hooray!" Sirius cheered as James struck up another round of Christmas carols in celebration.
Then, Remus did an impression of Professor McGonagall.
"Potter. Black. Have a cookie!" He yelled in a high pitched voice that Professor McGonagall didn't use.
In the process, he managed to punch Peter on the nose with his fist, a make believe tartan tin. There was no further prompting. James and Sirius pounced onto Remus's fist and began drawing invisible cookies from thin air.
Remus simply grinned idiotically as James and Sirius began stuffing air cookies into their mouths, Sirius adding some sound effects by oinking, and James humming 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' as he ate.
Withdrawing his fist, Remus began doing an impersonation of Lily Evans.
"No Potter!" He said in a Lily-type tone, "I will not go out with you!"
"Why not?" James pleaded in an itsy-bitsy spider-like voice, his eyes filling with uncharacteristic tears.
"Because," Remus began, holding up five fingers and counting on them, "First year, you tried to impress me by flying on a stolen broomstick but ended up covering me with mud. Second year, you gave me a singing card for Valentines Day that almost deafened me. Third year, you tried to hex a first year for fun but ended up giving Rianne warts."
Peter made a sound of protest as Sirius jabbed him in the ribs whilst listening to Remus recount some unflattering moments in James's school years.
"Fourth year, you tried to tackle the Giant Squid but ended up dragging me into the lake. Fifth year, you hexed Snape and got me mad at you. Sixth year-"
At this point, Remus broke off, staring with apparent confusion at his five fingers, all of which had been counted for.
"Where'd all my fingers go?" He asked James innocently.
"Piggies only have one finger," Sirius offered irrelevantly.
"I know!" Remus yelled triumphantly, grabbing poor Peter's hand and hoisting the hand up to eye level.
"MY HAND!" Peter roared, with the loudest voice he could muster.
"GOOD ON YOU!" Sirius retorted, even louder than Peter.
"Anyway," Remus said again; slapping Sirius's hand like a diva, and jabbing his thumb into Peter's index finger, "Sixth year you tried to kiss me under the mistletoe but ended up getting stuck in the doorway. And seventh year…I don't know yet!"
There was a silence as James blinked. Then, he burst into a hysterical round of 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer', which was probably his form of crying in his belated and mental state.
"RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER! HAD A VERY SHINY NOSE! AND IF YOU EVER SAW IT…YOU WOULD EVEN SAY IT GLOWS! ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEERS, USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAAMES…"
"LIKE I CALLED JAMES: 'POTTER' AND 'POTTY'!" Remus interjected.
"PIGGIES…PIGGIES…OH, ALL HAIL THE PIGGIES OF SALAMILAND! ALL HAIL THE PIGGIES OF HAMLAND! OH, I AM THE ALL POWERFUL LORD PIGGY!"
Then, Remus began to giggle hysterically, batting his eyelashes in a horrendously girly manner, smiling sweetly at Sirius with glazed eyes. Primly taking an air-teacup, Remus began sipping his fingers and talking in a posh voice.
"Yes Mother, that's what dear Mrs. Black said," He started saying, apparently talking to Sirius's black hair, and sipping his teacup with a rather heavy English accent, "Yes, the Potters. Horrible family of blood-traitors I am sure!"
Upon hearing this, Sirius bashed Remus on the nose for some reason or another.
Sneaking up onto Remus, James sudden grabbed Remus's right leg and yelled.
"YOINKS! GOT YOUR NOSE!"
Then, Remus switched from primly sipping his teacup to imitating Peter in a monotonous voice that sounded like he had just woken up from a coffin.
"Hello. My name is Peter Pettigrew. I'm seventeen but really I behave like a five-year-old. I like salami and cucumbers. When I grow up, I want to be a singer. I like to play in the swimming pool in the summer. When I play, I get a rubber duck and pretend I'm a singer."
James and Sirius gawked at Peter, who was frantically trying to conceal his beet-red face. The boy attempted to shut Remus's robotically moving mouth to no avail.
"My rubber duck is very special to me. He's made of rubber. That's why he's called a rubber duck. He's yellow with big eyes and he likes looking at me. I have a matching yellow T-shirt. My rubber duck's name is Quacky."
James and Sirius roared with laughter, even in their insane forms. Then, Sirius began oinking like a pig. And James began to slowly chant 'Silent Night'.
It was to their expense. Remus switched from blurting out Peter's embarrassing secrets to blurting out Sirius's embarrassing secrets in the same zombie-like tone.
"Hello. My name is Sirius Black. I'm seventeen but I really behave like I'm four-and-a-half. My favourite colour is bright fuchsia although my last name is Black. I secretly wish to be called Sirius Pink. I like eating dirt and meat pies. When I grow up, I want to be a model."
Peter began laughing hysterically and James joined in. Sirius blinked for a second before joining in, not realizing that they were laughing at him, not with him.
"I also have a special friend. He's a plushie pig called Snuffles. He's bright pink with a red belly button and I like him because I like pink. When I'm alone with him, I call him Mr. Pink Snufflepig."
"PIGGIES!" Sirius yelled, hearing only one word of Remus's story.
Remus ignored him and then switched to James's embarrassing moments without skipping a beat.
"Hello. My name is James Potter. I'm seventeen but I act like I'm three-years-old. My favourite object in the whole world is Lily Evans. My favourite colour is green since Lily's eyes are green. I secretly wish for Lily Evans to be called Lily Potter."
Peter and Sirius yawned as this not surprising piece of information hit their ears in a monotone. Sirius oinked several times but that was it from the audience.
"I like drawing Lily Evans although I make her look like a hippopotamus with red hair. My favourite toy is my pillow, where I drew Lily Evans on the pillowcase. Every night, I like snogging my pillow and hope it was Lily Evans."
"NYOOO!" James yelled angrily, "YOU TELL ALL MY SECRETS!"
"Yoinks!" Remus said abruptly, sounding very un-Remus. Grabbing something from the corner, he pulled out yet another silver, shiny, glinty thing.
"YAY!" Sirius yelled happily, "We have another shiny, glinty thing!"
"We need a new friend," Remus added thoughtfully and then, his gleaming eyes fell on poor Peter, who was crouched in the corner, "He can be our newest bestest buddy!"
"Wha-" Peter began but was silenced as Remus shoved the shiny, glinty thing in the poor mousy boy's mouth, digesting and grinding into more crazy chapters…
Author's NoteLol. This really got me out of my writer's block although it was really random. So what do you think? Is Sirius and Peter weird or what? Quacky and Snuffles? Recognize Snuffles from anywhere? And poor James…Lily Evans infatuation that's what he's got. Shakes head.
Anyway, please review and a huge thank you to the last bunch of reviewers-really appreciate it! Gets our boxes of icecream out
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Until the next crazy chapter people!
Ethereal Laeye and Moonlit Hikari