Sauron's Journal
Of Songs and Makeup
Disclaimer: We don't own Sauron or ne of da lord o da rings chars... So uhh yah...
An: Er… Hi! /Syn and Nana duck as fruit and rotting shrimp is thrown/ NOOOOOOOOO! DON'T KILL US!! We're just slow! /Nana is hit in the head with a large watermelon and falls over/ Blame exam week! Blame Nana! Blame the eeeeeeviiiiiiiiil last minute science project! Blame camping trips! Er… blame… Birthdays!
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!!!
; yes yes… thankies for all the reviews!
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VioletLemonade: Ooh so your hair DID blow away? Hehe so were you wearing a wig the other day? Lol! And as to your denial as to being a giant eye. . . well you can't deny the truth forever! Thankies sooooo much for da review! We're glad u like sauron's pain. . . god knows Syn does.
Umbrella: Hmm burnt ravioli. . .'tis a good idea! We shall consider workin' it in...Maybe with a few hairballs from Minion... ;) KEWLNESS 4 REVIEW!
Bu: Well. . .we've decided you're not to die. . .but to punish you in a different way! WE SHALL SSEND MINION TO LIVE WITH YOU!!! AAAAAHHAHAHAAAAA!! He shall always make you shrimp sandwiches that he cooks on the floor himself by hand. Keep up da reviews!!
Jenai: How did you find out about the pink flash?! O.O We weren't supposed to reveal his connections with Versace for a while! o.O so you are having scampi shrimp? Did you cook it on the chair to avoid the minions? I hope you did. . .it always tastes better that way. Thankies 4 ur review and here is chappy 3!!!
Keindra: AAAAAAAAHAHAHA! INSANITY!!!!!! MINIONS!!! DOWN IN DIXIE! panting Well , ahem, insanity is a crucial matter in this ficcy. . . . MINION! DON"T EAT THAT! NO NO NO!PUT DOWN THE BARBIE! NOOOOOOO! He ate it! sniffle :D thanks for ur review! Don't worry bout da craziness!
Geim: Hehe. . .glad you liked it-
Minion: Minion is popular! Minion has fans!
SHUT UP AND MAKE THE SHRIMP! So uhhh. . .any way. . . Minion can't find the shrimp! Minion thinks he should make the rice and lemon Jelly jell! Hee hee! O.o ummmmmm well we won't make you eat it, Geim. . .thankies for review! :D
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On with the fic!
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Well my minions still haven't come with my shrimp. Why?!! God how long does it take to cook shrimp dammit!! Do my minions NOT know how to use fire? Actually. . .maybe that's a good thing.
AH! A knock on my door!! MAYBE IT IS HEDGE!!
(writing is sloppy as if Sauron is excited)
I knew he'd come back! I knew it!
He knew he couldn't stay- oh no. . .it is just a minion.
(drop on page)
--/--FIVE MINUTES LATER--/--
Well the minion brought me dinner. . . the dish is. . .Ashhewl I guess.
It's a gigantic mound of ash built up kind of like baked potatoes with a hole in it and... Something is poking out of the hole…
It smells horrendous and it's rather gross-looking but since I am famished I must eat.
(light smudges on page)
urghhhhhhh!
I don't really wanna eat it but I must I suppose…
To you, my dear Hedgie! May your love brighten my-
what? The filling is BLUE!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH
--/--LATER--/--
Well I had to call for a minion to take the dish away.
I told him, "Take it some other place!"
And guess what he did!! GUESS!!
(Why am I writing this as if someone is going to read it? I mean, no one ever will. . .)
Any way, my minion shoves it in my face!!
I screamed at him," WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU ASSHOLE!"
He then said, "But master, did you not say 'Minion, smash this in my face!'? I thought it was strange, master, so I picked up the dish and flung it in your face. . .and yes master, it is indeed Asshole, a rare delicacy Relished by many."
"Many who have no friggin brain!" I bellowed at him.
He is now just standing there.
Uhhh well standing.... eeeeeeeee! Tis creepy!!
I know what I shall do! I shall attack him and get rid of his deafness! BWAHAHAH!!
--/--3 HOURS LATER--/--
Well, I have attacked the minion. . .and he dared to fart instead of scream in terror. IN MY FACE NO LESS!!!
I honestly don't know how he did considering that's a bit of a stretch…
When I cast a flaming globule at him, it… uhh... backfired into me. So as I was leaping around in pain, the minion flees! HE FLEES!! HE FLEES!!
--/--cut to random flea sitting on a log with a giant fly--/--
FLY: did u hear somethin', fleece?
Flea: Uhh no....
--/--Back to Sauron's Journal--/--
I would bet you all that some giant fly and a flea were debating my actions just now.
I feel like singing. I'm not all that happy but... I feel a song coming on!
When the sun and the moon
They collide and go BOOM!
My minion has just looked at me with a frightened look in his eyes…
Oh god this is unbelievable! My minion just asked me, " Will they really master?"
I replied, "I don't know. . .maybe. . .I myself have never seen the sun and the moon collide, but I do suspect that they would go boom. But unless Hedge was here that would not be amore"
My minion then said, "Minion want to see it happen! Minion wait here by seeing out thingy (window) until da sun and da moon collide and go boom! Minion then tell master what it look like!"
Now my minion is standing by the window looking. He hasn't moved yet.
--/--THE NEXT DAY--/--
My minion is STILL there! He must really believe that I was telling him the truth... HAHAHAH!. . .wait!. . .how do I know that that is the truth? How do I know if the sun and the moon will explode if they collide?
What if they will produce an evil lord who is more powerful than me? Like little furry creatures with obscene signs over their heads! That cannot even speak proper English!
(writing is like a scribble as if Sauron has experienced a shiver)
Best not to think of it. . .
Well. . .one recent issue has come to my attention. . .my heating isn't working! I can't believe that I spent all of my cash on the iron work for my tower when I could have spent it on a working heating system!
The electrician who put it dared to tell me that "I live in the heart of the land of fire and brimstone. . .why did I need a heating system?" Those halflings. . .you just can't trust them.
I mean, look what happens when one finds the bar! ALL OF YOUR ALE IS GONE THE NEXT DAY! Although this doesn't apply if orcs are running the bar. . .because it doesn't have ale.
I mean, why me?
--/--LATER--/--
I am NOT going to turn into a giant eye again!
DO YOU KNOW WHY???
(Oh great there I go, writing to myself)
BECAUSE I HAVE NO POSSIBLE WAY OF GETTING MY MASCARA ON AND MY MINIONS CANNOT DO IT!!
I mean, I cannot possibly look fetching if my mascara is made a mess of.
The one time that I tried to put on mascara, my eye turned orange and I had this red slit in them. Wait! Don't my eyes always look like that?!
AGH! I cannot believe the size of my eyes! They are, literally 70% of my face!
WHY DIDN'T anyone tell me my ass was so big?!
I shall giggle insanely.
HEHEHEHEEEEEEE
Umm… yeah
Why am I writing this down?
Where will I get more money?
Why am I asking you?
--/--LATER--/--
Do you think I'm a skitzo? The way I always write to myself? Wait. I'm writing again to myself aren't I? DAMMIT!! WHEN WILL THE INSANITY CEASE?!
--/--5 DAYS LATER--/--
I have been sitting here. . .bored. . .for 5 days. That's all well and good I suppose except for one problem…
MY MINION HASN"T MOVED SINCE FRIDAY!
He's just standing there at my window. . .staring out at the sky.
(shaky writing as if Sauron is freaked)
I think he likes me…
He's…
Haunting me…
Wanting me…
I can feel him pull me down…
Saving me…
Raping me-
ARGH!
My feeble attempt at a theme song. . .
Oh well. . .I think that it would be a wonderful song for a rock band in the far future to play.
Hmm. . .I call it "Raping me" Wait! No no no. . .too forward. . .hmm… how about "Haunted"? YES! YES! And the band that plays it should be named something along the lines of Evanescence, or Sparkalies or maybe the Allen Parson's Project!
Ahhh yes. . .
yes...
yes...
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!!!!!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
YEA- Why is my minion staring at me?
God he is unsettling! He is unexpected!
Well wait!
He couldn't be staring at me because I am reading this out loud (except the minion bits)! I mean really!! My thoughts are perfectly normal and wholesome.
Well anyway. . .I am frightened that the minion hasn't moved from my window. . .he is probably watching me dress!
And I bet he wants to. . .do things to me!!
(huge scribble dominates page)
I wonder. . .what would happen if the sun and the moon did collide. . .
hmm. . .the mysteries of life in Mordor…
--/--LATER--/--
God, I hate how the elves and men say "Mordor". .. . .they are all like, "Morrrrrdorrr!"
DO THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH 'R's??
WHAT I WRONG WITH A FEW 'R's?
I MEAN REALLY!!
. . .Bastards. . .
My elves, men and ent farm STILL hasn't arrived, dammit!!
Well whatever. . .I shall once again go to bed
Hey wait! Who moved my bed near my window??
eeeeeee. . .
eew eew eew. I don't EVEN want to know!
DAMN YOU, SARUMAN!
No wait. . .Saruman is too idiotic to move a bed… It must have been. . .SMEAGOL!! Damn him He has always been jealous of me. . .and has the gall to say that I stole the ring of power from HIM!!
IT IS MINE! DO YOU HEAR!!?MINE! MY OWN! MY RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!
Ah ha! you thought I was gonna say 'my precious!"
oh shut up. . .
NO!!
Skitzo....
I'm not Skitzo…
Yes you are!
--/--LATER--/--
Well I am sitting up in bed, writing by the light of the magma outside because my minion is standing right over my light damn him!
Hmmm well I think I have
fixed my heating problem. I should get rid of all of the sprinklers on my lawn!
Nothing grows there anyway. Except for the corn.
Maybe that says something, but I, being exhausted, don't care.
AGHHHHHHHH!! The MINION IS GAZING AT ME..... I can hardly bear to say it... well I can't say it, I'm writing but I'm writing and not speaking, so I suppose this is like speaking only not so.. yes. . .MY MINION IS LOOKING AT ME TENDERLY!!
I cannot believe it!!
What did I do to deserve this??
Well. . .ok I did destroy that. . .hehe I did do that. . .and yes I did date lawyers. . . hehe and I broke up Britney Spears' marriage!
Although. . .I must admit that it was for the best. . . that was just wrong. . .
UGH!!
Shall I write what my minion has just said?
" Oh master looks cold. . .maybe minion crawl in with master to warm him. . ."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
And yes I did scream out loud.
And I still am!
Screaming that is. . .
I'M GOING TO SLEEEEEP!!
MOMMMY!!
I didn't have one did I? A mommy that is.
Well then. Who shall comfort me in my time of need? MR NEEGISH!!!
He's always there for me.
Yes yes. . . . but his carrot was found dead!!
Although I always personally thought Bacon Sandwich was a little sickly. . .the bh, stealing Mr. Neegish from me!
He doesn't suspect me anymore though!
I came in from my meal of shrimp (yet again. . .I need some pickles again or maybe some potato salad) to find my minion… EATING BACON SANDWICH!!
BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!!!!
Uh, I mean, so sad.
Well then. . .MY ENTS AND MEN AND ELVES STILL HAVEN'T COME!!
God. . .I wonder where they could- WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!
--/--LATER--/--
Minion came into my room (he's away from my window thank god) and he was wearing my makeup!!
HE USED UP ALL OF MY EYELINER AND MASCARA!!!
I then screamed at my minion, "What are you doing with my makeup!!?"
"Makeup is yours master? Minion think it belongs to Bacon Sandwich."
Then I was unsettled as I had revealed a very personal secret…something that I wouldn't want others to be aware of.
Minion then looked at me critically as if trying to judge something.
"Is master gay?"
"Uhhhhh.…"
"Is he??"
"Well minion. . .remember how I told you about the sun and the moon?"
"No… WAIT! Minion forgot to watch to see if they go boom if they collide!"
My minion is now back to staring at the sun and the moon. Well at least my pride has been saved. . .or has it?
Still waiting for ents and men, but I guess I really should take care of the heating first. . .
but then I need more minions. . .but then I need the heating to work to support more minions. . .but I. . .AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
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AN: Er… yeah… Please don't flame us. We have already been severely punished by our exams and flames shall cause Nana's brain to explode. And then… uh… Syn will be mad… I think… /Nana looks confused/ Oh well. Anything else is alright!!!!! REVIEW PLEASE!