A/N: YES!!! AN UPDATE!!! And it's only been about… /checks calendar/ two months!
Disclaimer: Ok, we own nothing except Minion. The scene with the territorial wizard has a song that isn't ours and fooly cooly isn't ours either. /syn comes in/ IT IS ALL MINE!!!!!!!!! MINE!!!!!! /opens door to see a giant cannon pointed her way/ OH GOD! IT IS NOT MINEEEEE! NOOOOOOO! /BAM/ like I, Nana, said, this is not ours…crap now I gotta clean up syn's remains…
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VioletLemonade: Well thank you for the warning about Nana's cat (cat walks in carrying a flying monkey) Well, I suppose it isn't from Morrdorr so it's ok. . . Thanks for review and we have finally updated!
Akiko the fox demon: Well. . .you shall see if Sauron is really gay in this one. . .(syn picks up gum off the floor) Is this yours? crikets cheep Ok. (syn eats it) ;) Thankies for review! we're ecstatic you like it!!
Bu: Well here we are with an update. . . Minion will leave you. . .AND ENTER THE TERRITORIAL WIZARD!. . .he's gonna wanna bob his head a lot, so be warned... maybe he won't be obsessed with shrimp scampi. . .and yes, sauron is skitso. . .so sad!
Thanx for the review!!! We's glad u like it!
Geim: (sun is an inch away from the moon) Well, I know that we're apt to find out what the sun and the moon do if they collide. . . Sauron is maybe a little strange. . . Well some questions will be answered in this chappy. . .Thankz for review! (sun collides with moon) Uh- oh. . .
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Ok! On with the show!
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I can't believe it! A FULL WEEK IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, AND MINION STILL HASN'T MOVED!! At least, no movement that I could see...damned stalker...
He's watching me...he knows!
And here's lunch... I need to make it, that is.
Today's dish is… shrimp. Well, I can't think of when I had that before!
Damn, I need a new set of makeup
--/--LATER--/--
-Minion is writing in master's daybook! Minion try to read what master say, but Master write backwards! When Minion hold up book to shiny looky thing (mirror) it still backwards! Minion think master is upset about his pretties.-
-His pretty creams and sticks of soft candle.-
-Minion see something strange. . .master has begun to have strange big red rings round his eating hole (mouth). Minion think Master uses the pretty red candlestick!-
-Minion must see if Master uses it. . .but Minion also wants to see the sun and the moon collide and go, BAM!-
-Uh oh! Minion hears steppings from feet! Minion must go and stare out the looking out thingy (window) some more!-
Well I'm back...with shrimp and potato salad...made from shrimp extract. Wait a damn minute...when did I write that I was wearing lipstick?! Oh my GOD! Minion IS stalking me!
I shall confront him about this...
--/--LATER--/--
HE KNOWS!! He knows I wear lipstick!
(scribble as if Sauron is nervous)
I... I can't let him leave the room now that he knows! He'll tell all of my other minions and then my chances of getting together with Hedgie are zero!
The sacrifices I make... So...I have to make Minion stay here...I'm going to regret this... I know it!
Yet another minion has burst through my door, saying a man at the gate wants to see me. . .
HEDGIE!!! HE CAME BACK!!
I 'll go see this man at once. . .
Maybe I won't need heating here, since Hedgie will come back.
Minion has just looked at me weirdly. DAMN! Did I say that out loud?!
(small meek writing)
damn.
Disappointments and disturbance! That is what I had to deal with today!
The man at the gate was not Hedgie, unless Hedgie had grown about 6 inches taller, grown a beard and had grown fond of tattooing himself with hearts that said, BOSS on them.
As I saw this man, I thought after the initial distress of no Hedgie, I thought "Ok...weirdo. . ."
He was carrying a small wand with sparkling stars on it...I was getting doubts that this... this… thing...was a man at all.
He raised one well- grown purple eyebrow at me and waved his wand. . . saying simply, "You smell."
(AN:
Nana: Are u basing this guy on me? /confused look/
Syn: No. . .why would you say that?
Nana: well u seem to enjoy inserting characters with er... werll grown eyebrows...
Syn: Yes, werll grown eyebrows! But I thought 'twould be funny.
Nana: hehe oh well! continuing!)
I was taken aback by this impudent maggot. . .purple maggot. . . when I noticed something!
HE WAS WEARING MY WIG!!
THEY WERE MIIIIIIIIINE!!
MY CURLS!!!
I glared at the purple maggot and began to dance in a circle. I don't really know why though. . .
He kept glaring at me, starting to jiggle his head up and down.
I stopped my random dancing and stared at him, trying to figure out what the Hell he was doing.
He kept vibrating up and down like one of my many bobble heads. . .one looks like Mr. Neegish!
Suddenly it dawned upon me. . .this was a Territorial Wizard from Uncensored Land!
I heard that there was a new movie realease from there. . .a motion picture called "Dracula is Horny all the Time." . . .I wonder what it's about. . .It is supposed to be very good. . .
I then began to try to remember the lessons my Grandfather had taught me about territorial wizards. . .
--/--FLASHBACK--/--
"Now, young Sauron, strong, you must be."
"But Grandpa, why do I have to learn to fight territorial wizards? They live in Uncensored Land. . ."
"Shut up! Now. . .show me the head swivel. . .defensive and offensive."
"What's the difference?"
"Here is where we are. But there is somewhere entirely different!"
"Really? I thought the difference was a T."
"Well. . .that is true as well. . .but that's not the point!"
"Grandpa-a, I don't want to do anymore head swiveling today. . .I wanna go see a movie! I wanna see, How Hillary Duff's Face Got Knocked in While Her Forehead and Chin Still Stick out!
"No! You will now demonstrate the head swivels for offense and defense!"
"But Grandpa-aaaaa. . ."
--/--END FLASHBACK--/--
I remember how my grandfather died. . .
He choked on a live shrimp that only could say WTF!
That was a sad day that Saurong the Great died. . .well he wasn't quite dead. . .but that is not the point!
NEW FLASHBACK--/--
/Sauron's grandfather is eating shrimp scampi when suddenly. . ./
Shrimp: WTF!!
/a shrimp jumps up and screams while Sauron's Grandfather chases it around, trying to catch it/
Shrimp: /to the tune of Nya nya nya nya/ WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF!
/Sauron's grandfather finally catches the shrimp, stuffing it in his mouth. . .he grins, triumphant. . .he laughs evilly. . .he chokes on the shrimp as he had not swallowed it yet/
--/--END FLASHBACK--/--
I stood facing the territorial wizard, glaring at him because…
HE STOLE MY WIG!! MY PURPLE WIG THAT WAS FETCHING!!
(scribble as sauron attempts to control his pissed off ness)
The territorial wizard glared at me and spoke again
"Sauron. . .I am your father."
I was shocked.
"That is a lie!" I yelled.
"Well. . .you are right. . ." grunted the territorial wizard, his tattoo with BOSS on it winking in the light.
Wait. . .what light?!I live in mordor!
"Well who are you then!?" I snarled, ready for almost anything. . .ok that is a lie. . .mostly anything. . .uhh
"I am your father's golf partner!"
I shuddered. . .I caught a glimpse of his legs. . .HE WAS IN FISHNETS!!!!
I began a defensive swerve, trying to remember it. . .actually I just made up a random move, but, hey, it looked cool!
The territorial wizard suddenly gave a violent twitch. . .Music began. . .it was something like this. . .it was like a rock/pop thing
Da da da da da dum. . .
You're the one that makes me come runnin'
You're the sun that makes me shiiine
When you're around, I'm always laughin'. . .
At this point, I ripped off my shirt to throw off the territorial wizard. . . He gave a violent spasm. . .God, I hope he wasn't getting turned on.
As disturbing as this sounds, I stripped off my pants, leaving on my underwear with a british flag on it.
Hey I was desperate!
Oh crap. . .the meanings of that phrase are horrendous. . .
I was desperate to win!
There we go!
I began to dance around in my underwear. . .shaking it
Violently.
Suddenly the territorial wizard's head began to smoke. . .
And spark.
And suddenly I found myself staring at the head of Gollum who was working a mechanical humanoid robot.
"OHHHHHHHHH! We are scarred precious! SCAARRRRRRED!!"
I was shocked. . .well not that much, considering that it was Gollum.
That pervert would do anything to get a glimpse of me in my underwear.
Freakish little insect.
Well, after imprisoning this idiot, I promptly went back up to my room. . . to find my minion dressed in my mink robe!
My minion came running out, dressed in my favorite mink robe, with my lipstick on his eyelids!!!!!!
Does the fool not know how to apply lipstick?!
Hedgie knew. . .
I miss him so.
I wish he'd come back to me. . . .
But he stole my turban!
Wait.
That's a lie. . .I don't have a turban.
I need to get one so I can lose it and say Hedgie stole it. . .
OH GOD!
My other minions have just entered my room. . .
(scribble and ink dots)
NOOOOOOOOO!
They are asking me where Minion got that wax around his eating hole!
I replied, "Uhh well um I got it at Walmart. . . Back when no one hated me. . ."
The minions are looking at me strangely…
Oh sh't.
Did I just say that I bought it?!
"UH, I MEAN! Minion stole it off of a singing clog that was on it's way to Lothlorien to see Kelly Sees Cows in Pens. The new film, ya know?"
They are looking at me as if I have got no hair. . .
The bastards.
I got my purple curls back! I don't see the weirdness in that. Why should they?
(writing is shaky as Sauron tries to write while being extremely pissed)
HOW DARE MINION?!
He just said, get this-
"Master. . . you look like a girl."
"NO I DON'T" I shouted at him.
Another minion. . .I think his name is Nosilla. . .just said, "Um. Sorry big boss man, but you do look like a pretty lady. Preeeeeeeettttty. . .!"
I am shocked.
I cannot look like a woman. . .
Do I have BOSS tattooed on my arm?
NO!
I just have "I love Hedgie" tattooed on my ass.
I got that when we were first going out...
When I was sixteen. . .
Or was it thirty?
I forget so easily. . .I just remember that he had a big stick. . .
Oh gross. . .that could be taken two ways
Oh well.
WHERE THE HELL IS MY MINION FARM?!
--/--meanwhile--/--
A little elf kid reads a label on a huge parcel at his door.
" MAAAAAAAAA? What's a minion farm?"
--/--back to sauron--/--
I am hungry. Wonder if we have anything to eat around here BESIDES shrimp. Doubtful.
I suppose I shall go see what I can get.
--/--LATER--/--
I have had a near death experience!
I was eating my shrimp scampi. . .god, how often do I have that?. . .and I was just about to pop this shrimp in my mouth when it jumped up and screamed. . .
"FOOLY COOLY!"
I attempted to catch it, but it ran down (or hopped?) down the table, screaming "FOOLY COOLY!" and dancing on spoons.
It was sooooo disturbing.
I ran after it, jumping on my table, which promptly cracked in half.
Damn those pink plastic tables from Walmart!
And my nails were chipped. . .
I felt like crying. . .
(AN:
Nana: so sad
Syn: hehehehe... Uh, I mean, so sad too. . ./resumes laughing evilly/)
I found myself on the floor with that shrimp singing a strange Japanese song. . .which was only made up of Fooly or Cooly.
I grasped the shrimp as it was getting down on my spoon.
DAMMIT!! ANOTHER DISGUSTING METAPHOR!!!
And then I said, "Ha, you will not escape me!"
The shrimp looked at me with big anime eyes and said, "Fooly. Cooly."
I laughed manically. . .hey, it's a rule that all evil bosses must laugh psychotically all the time. . . it must be some terror weapon or something…
And so, I popped the worm- shrimp!- in my mouth, chewing it with gusto. . .
It fell in my throat and began to choke me.
My minions rushed in my dining room to find me choking
"What is it master?" they screamed.
"FOOLY COOLY!" screamed the shrimp triumphantly in my throat.
My minions, were needless to say confused
Damn them. . .
Anyone could tell that it wasn't me saying fooly cooly!
I think.
I began to try to do the Heimlich on myself. . .
Damn it. . .sick thing again. . .
What is my problem today?!
First I get attacked by a territorial wizard (who was Gollum being a pervert), then my makeup is discovered, and then my table breaks and finally I am attacked by a shrimp that can only say fooly coolly.
That's sad.
Very sad.
I finally coughed out the damned shrimp and it exploded upon hitting the floor.
My minions still looked at me questioningly.
I stared at them and screamed "FOOOOOLY COOOOOLY!
They ran in terror.
(AN:
Syn: I would too.
Nana: as would I.
Syn: and so would a flying cow
Nana: and a roast chicken
Syn: and a devil going down to georgia)
I have no idea what Fooly cooly means. . .
Maybe it is some orcish curse?
Or maybe. . .
(splashes of ink as if Sauron is horrorstruck)
Maybe it is the mating call of the orc?!
I- I honestly hope not. . .
Oh god, Minion is singing the sun and the moon song!
I think I shall turn into an eye for a while. . . .
--/--LATER--/--
Damn, why the hell does it always suck when I am an eye?
I do it to relax for god's sake!!
I fell off the tallest tower!
MINION PUSHED ME!!
I HAD TO ROLL BACK UP AGAIN, COVERED IN GOD KNOWS WHAT, AND WHAT DO I FIND?!
MINION AND MR. NEEGISH SNOGGING!!!!!
(tearstain)
H-how could Mr. Neegish do this to me. . .?
I think that. . .I shall. . . go to a beauty parlor. . .that's it!
I'm gonna go now. . .damn minions and damn giant eyes!
Wait. . .did I just diss myself?
Damn. . .I am losing it here.
I will be back
Although I'm not happy about it!
And I am not happy about the flying cow I just saw either.
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Ok! So there it is! Hope you enjoyed it. Pleeaase pleeeeeeaaaase review! We are review-aholics. We need reviews. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Ok. Now that we've said the word 'review' more times in a paragraph than is probably legal, we'll go now. Reviews please!