SJ
I have come to a conclusion:
MR NEEGISH IS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! Now that he is free from commitment to Bacon Sandwich, he has been searching for someone else…
And do you know who it is! DO YOU!
…Damnit! Why am I talking to myself again?...Oh well…back to business.
His new lover is…
Unibrau, the eyebrow from one of my minions! I, of course, objected to this idiocy! It is just…wrong… Not to mention that Unibrau came from one of my minions' FOREHEADS!...At least, I assume as much… UGH! NOT THINKING ABOUT WHERE IT MAY HAVE COME FROM! NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT! …ooh, Hedgie had eyebrows in interesting places too…He'd like me to brush them constantly…
(Syn: falls over completely disgusted Nana: Well…at least he didn't want a shave!)
What! WHO IS THIS! WHY DID THIS SUDDENLY APPEAR IN MY JOURNAL!
(Syn: quotes from Prisoner of Azkaban Syn advises Sauron to keep his abnormally large eyebrows out of other peoples' business.)
WHAT! I DO NOT HAVE LARGE EYEBROWS! I DON"T! SEE!
….
Oh god…I'm arguing with myself…I never thought I'd stoop this low…
ARGUING WITH A PIECE OF PAPER! …at least I think it's paper. It could be something else…
I am hungry. I SHALL GO MAKE MY DINNER…Why not my minions, you ask? REMEMBER THE SHRIMP!
Well, I have a new dish to sample…
You see, I was in WalMart the other day, just looking for a new chair because my old one flew out my window…again…and, uh, everthing was all good until I walked into the jewelry section. As I was examining the lovely, 14 karat gold hoop earrings- hey, I need a new pair! The damned 'ringbearer', WHO IS NOT NAKED, has my custom made earring… If he wasn't so friggin cute, I would never let him walk into Mordor in the first place. Oh crap! I mean, uhhm, he's so friggin…clever! Yes! CLEVER! HA HA!
So anyways…the Elf woman working there- or was it a man? It so hard to tell, goddamnit!- after helping me pick out the pair of earrings I wanted, recognized me as "The evil eye-thingy from Morrrrdorr!", as she dubbed me. I was, needless to say, insulted. It was also a little interesting that she hadn't noticed that I WAS indeed a giant floating eye with a blanket draped over it. (Syn: I don't like Elves. I REALLY don like Elves. Nana: Well, they're okay. I mean, They aren't the brightest, sure, but- Syn: NO! THEY SMELL! Nana: How do you know that? Syn: Uhh, intuition?) As I was fleeing the pissed customers, I happened to knock over a bookcase that had interesting Haradian recipe books. I couldn't look very long, so I picked up my chair- ummm I have telekinesis.- and fled the WalMart, throwing some cash at the cashier… Huh. Interesting little rhyme thingie.
Then I floated home with my new pink plastic lawn chair- but pink is such a FRIENDLY color!- and I found a Haradian cookbook in the seat of it. It said on the front, "MUSHI SUSHI!" I was wondering if THAT was the dish, mushy sushi –whatever sushi is- or if that was the book. I'm still thinking about it.
So, I made the first dish within that book…Sushi, only I used shrimp rather than seaweed. It looks rather like Ashewl, but it isn't as revolting.
The little hairs on the back of my neck are pricking up…SOMEONE IS WATCHING ME!
It was Nozilla. He looked rather embarrassed for some strange reason. I waved my hand imperiously and I asked, "What do you want, minion?" He shuffled his feet around and stared at the ground.
"M-master? Um, lately, the other minions see you act like insane dwarf who get catnip in beard, so uh, minions decided to buy you something to- to fit with you stuff." He held forth a box wrapped in red ribbon. I mean, there was paper on it too, not just a red ribbon. I ripped the paper and ribbon off, revealing something rather shocking.
(Nana:O.O Syn: eats popcorn) It was a bright red bustier with white fur on the rim of the, ah, cups. I looked at Nozilla who looked like he was about to puke. Guess what I said? Guess what the oh-so-intelligent Sauron of Mordor said? GUESS! MUAHAHAHA!
"I don't have boobs."
(Syn: falls over laughing Nana: Oo)
Nozilla looked like this: O o
I looked further in the box to see a furry white garter belt with a matching –ahem- crotchless thong. At this I felt myself go red. It would be rather…chilly…in that outfit. Nozilla was now: .
(Syn: mostly laughing her ass off Nana: drinks from a liquor bottle I wanna fughet it all…)
I looked deeper into this Dark Chest of Wonders to find white fishnet stockings and red stilettos with a slight white fluff on the toes. Then…I found…a small packet of catnip. I looked up to fry Nozilla –hey, if I didn't, they would have thought that I actually liked it, which is bad for any self-respecting evil overlord- only to find that he had run off. Damned minion! Not even staying around for his own demise! GODDAMNIT!