Previously:
Samantha took Daniel's hand, "Yes Daniel, it's over."
He squeezed her hand, but looked away. "Thank you," he whispered to no one. Then he turned and looked at everyone in the room. "Thank you."
Daniel stood in the Gate room, waiting for his team to return. Sam and Jack had gone back to P3X-1510 to claim Teal'c's body. Janet had not released Daniel for Gate travel yet. At this moment, he was fine with the restriction. Daniel was not sure that he could go back to that planet.
His recovery had been every bit as slow and painful as could have been expected. It had been six weeks since Apophis had died and Daniel had been set free. For the first week, all Daniel had done was sleep. And dream. Horrible dreams where he tortured and murdered his friends, Apophis's memories twisted so that it was Daniel who was committing the atrocities, dreams of Sha're…For the first several days, every time Daniel woke he had to be convinced again that he was free, that all of this was real. He often woke screaming, further damaging his vocal cords. He begged Janet not to sedate him, fearing that the drug-induced fogginess would make it harder for him to discern reality. He had no idea how he convinced her. Learning about the "Scorpion Situation" decree did not help Daniel at all. His nightmares started to include scenes of his being experimented on by NID operatives, while Jack stood by watching.
It was too soon for him to talk about what had happened. Even if his voice had been up to it, it was all too raw and he hurt too much. But he learned Sam and Jack's stories. Sam did not want to tell much but Jack and Daniel pulled it out of her. She talked about her run to the Gate, her collapse on the empty planet. She shared her fear that she was going to be all alone and that she would fail them in the end. And she talked about how betrayed she had felt when General Hammond told her about the "Scorpion" decree. "It makes me want to quit the military. How can they value us so little? I just don't know what to do knowing that rule is out there." There were no answers.
It took Jack longer to share his story. He revealed that he had been killed three times. Jack was quick to point out that Daniel had done everything in his power to stop Apophis. Hearing that, Daniel was suffused with shame. He had not done everything he could have. He had never given Apophis all of the secrets.
"Daniel, what is it?" Jack asked.
The concern in his friend's voice made Daniel start crying, something that he hated. Since regaining ownership of his body, Daniel felt he had lost complete control of his emotions. It seemed he was crying all the time these days.
"Daniel, please tell us," Jack prodded.
"I could have stopped him," Daniel ground out. "The last time, with the dagger, I had some control. That stupid song kept him away from what was left of me. I had secrets, still, the song kept him too distracted to find them. But when he grabbed you…he'd killed you twice already and he told me he wouldn't bring you back a third time! I wanted to save you, but I had to protect Sha're's son. I'm so sorry! He made me feel it! The knife going through your bones, your face…it was an eternity of killing you." Daniel was crying hysterically by now. Jack came over to Daniel's bed and took Daniel into his arms like he was a child. Sam held onto Daniel's hand, crying her own tears.
"It's all right," Jack comforted him. "It was not your fault. Whatever you had to do to live through this, I have no problem with. It was not your fault."
That's when it happened. Daniel felt something on his neck. He knew it was a Goa'uld. Shoving Jack away, he reached behind his neck to rip out the invader. He wanted to scream, but he could not breathe. He clawed at his neck while his vision tunneled to the point of near blackness. Dimly he heard someone call his name.
"Daniel, Daniel, whatever you're seeing, it's not real. Come back to us." Someone shook him and Daniel's vision came rushing back. He found himself clinging to Jack's shirt, leaving traces of blood. His breath was coming in short, panic-filled gasps. "It's not real Daniel, you're safe." As the words sank in, Daniel groaned. Air started to come easier. He grit his teeth and tried to get his breathing under control. "Okay, Doc, what the hell just happened?" Jack asked.
Daniel realized that Janet was checking his pulse. He could tell that she was really wanting to use her penlight, but refrained. Instead, she busied her self at the back of his neck. "I would say that he had a nasty panic attack. Daniel, you've ripped out several stitches back here." They all looked at Daniel's bloody hands and Jack's shirt. "I need to stitch you back up. I know you don't want to be sedated, so I'll just try to numb the area."
And he was stitched up again. And he continued down the road to healing. That was not his only panic attack and it was by no means his worst, but after several more days in the infirmary, Janet released him to the care of his friends.
The team retreated to the safety of Jack's house. The General had ordered them all to take leave time. No one had intended to spend the whole time at Jack's house, it just happened that way. Daniel went to his apartment, a few times, but the quiet was too much for him. While he hated to admit it, he knew that if he spent the night there, he would end up in the fetal position, hiding under his furniture. So he drove back to Jack's house. Jack said nothing.
They missed Teal'c. The team mourned the loss of their greatest warrior. They all agreed that if Teal'c had to die, this is how he would have wanted to go. Jack and Sam had notified Bra'tac while Daniel was still in the infirmary. Teal'c's mentor took it upon himself to find Teal'c's family and tell them the news.
Talking about Teal'c made it easier for Jack to tell his own story. Never a man comfortable with his own emotions, he had lost enough team members to know that talking was the best way to heal. Jack admitted how devastating it had been to be chained up and helpless while both Daniel and Teal'c fell. "The torture was hard," he said, "but that almost killed me."
Daniel knew that Teal'c's death was not his fault. Technically, it was not even Apophis's fault as Teal'c had rendered the System Lord unconscious before he was shot. But knowing all of that did not stop him from going over every minute of the mission trying to find the moment when all of this could have been prevented. Maybe if he had fought harder when the Jaffe first unchained him? Maybe if he had not fought at all? Maybe if he had not made the Jaffe so angry? Why had he not fought harder when Apophis was implanting him? Why was he not smarter, stronger, faster, quicker, a better fighter, a better person? How could he have let this happen? He was sure that he could have prevented all of this. He just did not know how.
Vicious mental cycles kept Daniel awake during long nights at Jack's house. One of these nights, he decided to make some coffee. He knew it wouldn't help him sleep, but at least he would have some comfort food with his insomnia. The smell of his favorite blend filled the kitchen and Daniel felt his anxiety go down a notch. Mug in hand, he reached for the pot.
"Daniel?"
Daniel screamed and dropped the pot. It shattered on the counter, splashing him with hot coffee and broken glass. The mug broke at his feet. Sam came running into the kitchen and put his burned hands under running water in the sink.
"God, Daniel, I'm so sorry! I didn't meant to scare you. I heard you and woke up. Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"
"No, Sam – I'm sorry – I'm alright – You didn't – I'm fine! I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine…" Daniel's voice trailed off as he felt a familiar tightening in his chest. He would not have another panic attack. Not here, amid the coffee, broken glass and pain. He tried to control his breathing as he sank to the floor. Sam sat next to him, trying to calm him down.
"I can't do this anymore!" Daniel wailed.
"Do what, Daniel?" Jack was awake now, of course. He had grabbed the first aid kit for Daniel's hands.
"This!" Daniel gestured wildly around himself. "I can't do this! I can't just be here and be okay. I can't even get myself some coffee without it falling apart into a dammed disaster. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over this?"
There was a long silence before Sam spoke. "Daniel, I don't think that this is the kind of thing you just 'get over.' I don't know that there is an 'over this.' It's too huge. But that doesn't mean that you can't get through it."
"I'm just so scared about what I'll be when this is all done," Daniel whispered.
"Maybe you won't be the same person you were before, not entirely," Sam said. "What you went through was horrible. But, whatever happens, you will always be someone that we care about and love. You are not alone in this. Jack and I will help as much as you let us."
No one had really spoken to Daniel like this. Everyone just kept telling him that he would be fine, he would get over this experience. As though he had just caught a bad flu virus. What Sam was saying made sense. Daniel looked at his friends. He wanted to tell them, but... "It was – so awful."
"Please tell us," Jack replied.
So he tried. He struggled to put a voice to the fears he had lived with. He told them about Apophis savaging his consciousness. He relived the images that Apophis had put into his mind, the time in the desert, the slaughter at the SGC. He tried to tell them about seeing Sha're, but he could not get the words out. That part would keep... He described what it was like to loose the battle, to know that he had to retreat because the pain was too great. "After I lost, I just…hid. There were a few times I was able to see out. And once or twice I was able to make things happen. The time with the hand ribbon, the song. Hell, I even got him to ship half of his men off-world. But each time he caught me. He punished me. He made me think that I had been rescued. I would wake up in the infirmary and just when I believed it was real, he would murder all of you. I was so scared, I was so alone. I thought I would never get out. And when it did happen, it was all so fast and sudden, it didn't seem real."
The sun was up. Daniel was talked out. He had never felt so wretched and exhausted in his whole life. But, when he finally went back to bed, he slept without dreams. His burden was still there, but it felt a little lighter.
Weeks had passed and now Daniel waited in the Gate room. Sam, Jack and Bra'tac would bring Teal'c's body back for a memorial service and then the body would be buried on Chulak. Daniel's progress had been slow, some days worse than others, but he believed that Janet would give him a clean bill of health soon. He was going to ask to go to Teal'c's burial. He just could not go back to Apophis's planet. His breath stopped every time he considered it. He did not see how it would help Jack to have to cart around a hysterical archeologist, so he decided to be honest with Jack. Jack had no problem with Daniel's choice. "Okay," Jack had said. "We'll get him and bring him home."
"Thank you," Daniel replied and he meant it.
The Gate started up. Daniel stood back to get out of the way of the activity of a Gate activation. The wormhole formed and Sam came through. She was pulling the front part of a steel gray coffin. It had been put on wheels and Jack was pushing from behind. Bra'tac was marched beside it in full ceremonial glory. His face looked old and sad. The lines in his face were more pronounced than Daniel had ever seen them.
Everyone stood back respectfully. Sam and Jack headed towards the infirmary. They both greeted Daniel and left him alone. They knew what he needed to do.
Daniel walked up to Bra'tac. He wanted to kneel and beg forgiveness as he once had with Sha're's father, but he restrained himself. "Master Bra'tac," he began, "I don't know what to say. I wish…I am so sorry that Teal'c died. I wish I could have done more to save him. I am so sorry for your loss. He will be remembered with glory as a brave warrior for both our people."
Bra'tac gave Daniel a long unreadable look. Daniel did not know what to expect. And then the warrior embraced Daniel in a full-bodied hug.
"Thank you, my son. Thank you for fighting Apophis as hard as you did. I know that Teal'c would have been proud of you. Yes, we have lost a great warrior in this fight. But you, Daniel Jackson, you are a warrior too. Keep fighting in his name. Teal'c considered you as a brother. I am glad that you are here and that you survived. As we mourn our loss, we will remember the greatness that was the warrior Teal'c and the things that he died to protect. You and your team among them."
Both men had tears in their eyes. Bra'tac took Daniel's arm in the forearm grip he always used. Daniel felt that he was forgiven. And he felt that there was nothing to forgive.
Daniel followed Bra'tac out of the room. His grief was shared with all of the SGC. No one in his team was alone in this.
The End.