Chapter XXI: A Change of Mind

Samia's luck with the women's title ran out quickly. Her excitement about returning to her hometown area for a month of shows was quelled when the news was delivered that she was to face Lita for a title match their last week in the tri-state area. Until then, she was off the hook from women's matches but the hardcore wasn't off limits. Despite this, two members of the faction were always with her wherever she went at the arena. She had a classic case of paranoia with her nerves always on edge. Only a few attempts were made on the belt but her 'bodyguards' dispensed with the would-be opponents.

A little over a week before RAW was to hit Atlanta, Shawn dropped off the tapes she had requested at her apartment. Samia was bound and determined not to look like a fool in this match with Lita. The nWo still plotted to help her win but that was supposed to happen with her match with Molly and Molly literally killed her. She wanted to review all of Lita's matches so that she could get a good idea of Lita's style. The next day found her reviewing tapes of her own matches to see where she needed the most work.

When she clicked off the last tape, she was horrified at what she had just watched. She had continually "punished" Guerrero in the Singapore cane match just for revenge instead of pinning him when the opportunity arose. After winning her matches and putting her opponents in the Angel of Death, she continued to drag it on after the bell had rung. That's not counting what she had done to help the nWo on their path of destruction—the path of destruction that she had argued against avidly when she was still at RVD's side. This isn't me, she thought in disgust, What have I become? She was staring blindly at the blank television lost in thought when the phone rang.

It was Kevin. "Ready to go? I'm on my way."

"It's still fairly early. Why so soon?" she asked, hoping to buy time to come to grips with this startling revelation.

"We've all got to get together and talk. Remember?" he asked, sounding a bit worried about her.

"Guess not. I'll be ready by the time you get here." She quietly replaced the receiver and slowly began getting ready for a weekend across the Tennessee line.

"Item one on the agenda: Who's willing to hold the hardcore belt?" Nash asked to open the informal meeting he had reminded Samia about. However, her mouth dropped wide open.

Triple H leaned back in his chair and propped up his feet and replied, "Not me."

"Chicken," Shawn whispered, nudging his arm. Samia could only stare at the interaction. Apparently, Shawn knew as well that this "item" was on the agenda and had chosen not to tell her.

"I call it not being stupid," Hunter countered. "No offense, Samia." She couldn't reply if she wanted to.

"I'll do it if no one else wants it," Big Show added, raising his hand slightly like a kid who thought he might have the right answer in class.

"I know I don't want it," Kevin added. "I can't concentrate on the Undisputed if I'm working matches like that."

X-Pac finally spoke up. "I want it. I'll do it. When, where, how?"

She didn't know whether it was the anger at X-Pac wanting the belt from her or her mind finally catching up with the conversation but she jumped up from her seat and yelled at the top of her lungs, "Hell, no! There is no way I'm doing this!"

"Just listen," Shawn pleaded, putting a hand on her arm and uselessly attempting to pull her back down to her seat. "It's for your own sake."

"No!" she replied, jerking her arm away from him.

"Where have you been over the past year that you've been here? Have you not seen what these guys go through in matches? You'll have to defend it. You can't even defend the women's title. Think about it," Shawn continued. She was about to spit nails at his last comment even though she knew it was true.

"Yeah, and?"

"Do you know how paranoid you'll become?" Hunter interrupted. Already there, she thought but then quickly refused to consider the rest of his explanations. "You won't be able to step foot out that door on your own without always looking over your shoulder."

"I don't care what you say," she replied to them all but then turned to squarely stare at Kevin. "I am not going to lie down so one of you can just pick up the belt like that. I refuse to be Kevin Nash and let Hulk Hogan put me out with a finger."

"Those are fighting words," Nash growled in reference to the Fingerpoke of Doom.

Samia went on right over his comment. "Did anyone ever think about asking me? I won the belt fair and square…kind of," she muttered the last two words. "Shouldn't I be the one to decide whether or not I want to just give it away?"

"Alright, Samia," Kevin replied as if he really was listening to her. "You want in this? How do you want to drop the belt?"

"I don't want to drop the belt. I will have to eventually lose it somehow but I really haven't thought about it," she answered, more quietly this time, and sank to her seat.

"The belt's not leaving the nWo," Nash stated, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest. "It's settled then. X-Pac, you'll get the belt next week. You can either take it or it can be given to you."

Samia was almost foaming at the mouth. "But that's Atlanta. That's my home!" she protested.

"What's the difference? You want to live to see your match with Lita?" Kevin asked.

Her response was to leave in the middle of the conversation to return to her hotel room. She was pissed. In an essence, "pissed" did not describe it. She was sick and tired of being told what to do. All they do is tell me what to do! Samia, get this. Samia, get that. Samia, write this. Samia, pull this off. When have I ever been asked to do something or asked what I wanted? She had no clue why she was fighting giving up the title. She had cheated to get it and, if she had thought about it, she wouldn't have even gone anywhere near Tommy Dreamer. Why did she do it? It was simply on an impulse that she rushed from that room to slam that cane repeatedly across Dreamer's body. What had driven that impulse? Greed? Glamour? And a question that need not be answered—where had she learned that greed?She reveled in the popularity she had gained from being with the nWo and she immediately realized the power she held over other people had kept her there. Her initial intentions were only revenge. She used them for revenge and to bounce back from her humiliating situation with Rob Van Dam and Eddie Guerrero. Holding the women's belt was like being on a high. Winning—or really, stealing—the hardcore belt had to be better than the best acid trip (although she wouldn't know). She figured that was what Shawn must have felt like winning the belt for the first time or when Nash won the Heavyweight belt for the first time.

Samia had thoroughly believed that she had used them to fulfill her desires and adamantly stuck by that as she stalked down the hall towards her room. On the other side of the door, that resolve fell apart as she dropped face first on the bed and began to sob at the realization that they had used her, completely used her. People were laughing at her because she was stupid enough to fall for them, not because she supposedly turned on RVD. They had made fun of her because she was stupid enough to believe that she was of worth to them. I was a lackey! she angrily thought. I was basically the Disco Inferno of the nWo! "Not really valuable, but we'll find something useful for you to do so none of us have to do it."

She couldn't believe she hadn't been paying attention and couldn't get beyond her inflated ego to see that. She violently threw her pillow across the room and then tossed the other one when that gave her no satisfaction. The woman flopped back down on the bed and cracked her forehead on the headboard, which made her cry harder. She slipped off the comforter and wobbled her way to the mirror to check the spot that she had hit. The slowly rising bump was quickly turning pink but a little rearranging of her hair would hide it. She stared at herself in the mirror to see if she could see some resemblance of the person she had been.

Her mascara was running—she didn't wear mascara until she let Shawn Michaels make her over—mixing with the kohl liner beneath her eyes. She had thought the look sexy then but now she felt like it looked as if she was begging for trouble. Her outfit didn't say otherwise either. She was anticipating a romantic evening with Shawn and had dressed as such in short, tight skirt and a midriff top. Thinking of all the dinners and evenings she had spent with him, she had to wonder if it was really all that bad and that wasn't just the sex.

For someone who had never really taken control of her life, the nWo had given her confidence. She had gone out there and kicked Guerrero's ass only months after freaking over simply punching Terri. She was named a diva and held two different belts in the WWE—cheating or not, the records couldn't be changed. The icing on the cake was that she was in a relationship with one of the most coveted men in wrestling but then her balloon was deflated again. It was any relationship at all. He didn't love her and she was simply his bed buddy. He hadn't even stood up for her during that assault on her about the hardcore belt. If they hadn't used her to be their lackey, she would have been the flavor of the month like RVD said. She had only ever told him that she loved him that one time but his response finally hit home—"You're an angel." Rolling her eyes, she shouted out in the room, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jumping in another man's bed that quickly after another failed relationship was not her either.

Emotionally drained but physically exhausted, sleep wasn't anywhere near coming, so Samia quickly dressed to head down to the hotel's weight room. Working out would bring her physical satisfaction even if her mind was still on overload. What do I do? What do I do? she asked herself in time with her rhythm on the leg press. I just can't keep on going like nothing ever happened. There is no way I can walk in and just say "I quit." She pondered the thought of getting herself kicked out but that would be more humiliating than anything else she could ever go through. I might as well be the abused wife that refuses to stand up for herself, she loves "him" but hates the abuse.

But the abused wife always misses the good parts of the relationship—Hunter's pranks and picking on me, she thought with a smile, those teddy bear moments that the Big Show has, Nash's way of understanding personal problems and giving advice, Shawn's spontaneity and craziness and the way he can draw the best out in me, and X-Pac's energy and well, um, there has to be something else…never mind that… But I just can't stay. Is it all worth my soul? I'll just…just… An evil grin spread across her face as an epiphany struck.

"Samia, you'll kill yourself." She was startled when Shawn spoke and she almost dropped the barbell. He had been watching her for a few minutes and she had no clue. "You don't really think this'll help you beat X-Pac?"

"It will now," she muttered and dropped the weights.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. I'm going to bed. Goodnight," she stated unemotionally and started to walk by him but he stopped her.

"Wait. I saw how upset you were and I wanted to make you feel better. Come back with me," he said in that tone that made her bones melt while he turned her around to face him.

Samia almost found herself saying 'yes' but quickly remembered her resolve. "I'm too tired. If you don't mind…" she replied, keeping her head down to avoid eye contact.

"But we haven't spent any time together this week. I'm starting to miss you." He lightly grasped her chin to pull her face up to meet his but the moment was broken when he exclaimed, "What happened?"

"I was so mad I walked right into the doorframe."

"Does it hurt?"

"Only if you touch it," she quickly replied as he traced a finger down her temple.

"Oh, baby, let me make you feel better," he softly said and put his palm against her cheek. Figuring this was just a ploy to later convince her to give the belt to X-Pac, she had to find a way to refuse to keep the confrontation from happening. However, she also considered the fact that he might get suspicious. With that in mind, she nuzzled into his hand and then pulled him down for a kiss.

"It's not that I don't want to. It's been a long day. There's a couple of stores that I want to hit while we're here, so I'll meet y'all at supper tomorrow. Okay, babe?"

Shawn acquiesced and she left them him standing in the weight room.

By Tuesday evening, Samia had picked up the phone to make one particular call about twenty times. After a check-up call from Shawn, one she took to quell any suspicion, she finally dialed the number with a shaky hand. "Hi, it's Samia Carlsen. I need your help…I conned your number out of one of the staff…No, I won't tattle…No, no, no, I promise…I want out of the nWo…Well, I can't do it on my own," Samia explained, a tone of sarcasm added to the last line.

"…You're the only person left that doesn't hate me, I hope…Let me know if you have a better idea, but I thought we could work something out during the main event since the belt's on the line. I'll come in on Nash and you can call out the troops…Rob would like to get hold of them, I'm sure. If not for me, for the humiliation he's suffered…They've stepped all over everybody. It won't be hard for you to get some guys together…I can't talk to anybody without them getting suspicious…If this was a set-up, why would I be telling you to get back-up? I am being absolutely honest…I've really screwed up and I can't stay with them. I can't keep perpetuating something I'm not. I have to make things right and I want to start with you getting the belt back. If you ask for a no DQ, they'll agree. They don't have to hide their cheating then and we can give them a dose of their own medicine…There's something else I need to set right…"

Samia took a big breath, hoping he would believe her. "I didn't turn on Rob. I may have fully participated in the rest of who the nWo stomped on, but I didn't do that. If you get him to help, will you—will you try to talk him into listening to me just once? I'm not trying to get back at him or back with him. I just want to set things right. I've got a long list but the two of y'all are at the top…All I ask is that you try…I'll call you long about Saturday or Sunday…Sure…Yeah…I wish there was something else I could do or say…Call me at home if there's anything else…Thank you from the depths of my soul." Samia blew out a long breath that was somewhere between release and nervousness before replacing the receiver and finding herself in tears from relief and fear.

Samia was startled out of her pity party when a knock sounded at the door. Quickly wiping tears away, she answered without thinking to look through the peephole. Shawn stood in the doorway, leaning up against the frame and holding a bouquet of pink roses. Her heart stopped but she was able to hide the look of concern on her face. "Hey, Angel. Can I come in?" She pulled the door completely opened and stepped out of the way. "Kevin's got a…what's wrong? You okay?" he asked, pushing the door closed behind him.

"It's nothing I want to talk about. I'm fine, really I am," she replied, waving him off. "Just needed a good cry to be alright."

"Sure?" he asked but she nodded in answer. "I brought these for you."

"They're beautiful," she said and then inhaled the sweet scent. "I don't think I've had roses since my birthday last year. After that, if I had seen another rose any time soon, I think I would've went insane. Thank you. Let me go put them in water."

Shawn followed her into the kitchen and facetiously asked, "Does that mean you don't want any flowers next month for your birthday?" She shot an evil look over her shoulder from where she stood at the sink filling a vase with water. "Anyhow, Kevin's got a woman over and I really didn't want to go to a hotel. Can I stay with you tonight?" he asked and pulled her into his arms for a kiss.

"I…uh…" She glanced down at the flowers still in her hands that were being crushed between them. She could find no excuse that he would buy. "Yeah, you can stay. But I have to warn you that I'm having friends over tomorrow to watch SmackDown!"

"Are they nWo fans?" he asked with a crooked grin.

"What do you think?" Samia replied, carefully arranging the roses to keep from looking at him.

"Ooo, this should be fun."

"Sure," she sarcastically drawled. "I was gonna turn in for an early night. You know where everything's at, so make yourself at home while I get a shower." Samia wasn't surprised when Shawn crawled in behind her a few minutes later. When his hand slipped down her waist and his teeth found her earlobe, her brain couldn't function whatsoever to find an excuse to get him out of her shower, much more to resist him at all. That early bedtime she had spoken about went right to pot.

Samia woke before Shawn did in the morning. Instead of getting out of bed, she quietly watched him sleep, marking how his appearance still took her breath away. This would be the only time she could watch him without having to hide her emotion and she began to wonder if indeed she was making a mistake. Maybe she wasn't the flavor of the month like Rob had said. Maybe she was different, maybe she was the one who captured the heart of Shawn Michaels. It didn't take much to know that he treated her so much better than the previous women he had gone through like they were underwear. No matter what, she knew he did care but did he care in the same way she did? She considered asking him, trying to bring the subject up somehow in a veiled manner.

Samia played with a lock of his hair that fell across her pillow and wondered if he could say anything that would matter. If he said that he was madly in love with her and wanted to run away to Vegas to get married, she would definitely know that they were using her for something. If he loved her, he wouldn't let the rest of the faction run over her like they did. He wouldn't have let them gang up on her during the 'discussion' of who would hold the hardcore belt. No, she wasn't going to back out of her plans now, even if she was about to do to them what they did to others. But that was exactly why she wanted out, so she wouldn't have to do this to anyone else. However, there was no other way to leave. She ran her fingertips across his chest, savoring what could be the last time they were together. She didn't want to hurt him but, then again, she was so insignificant that she probably wouldn't be hurting any of them in the slightest.

The phone rang and Samia jumped to answer it before the shrill ringing woke Shawn up. "Hello…Hi, Jamie…Yeah, we're still on for tonight…I talked to Susan yesterday. She's bringing rolls and Kerri's bringing dessert. I've got the spaghetti. That leaves the salad to you and Mandy. I haven't talked to David…Tell him to bring whatever he wants. Bring enough for seven though…Someone…I will not tell who…There's a reason I haven't introduced you to anyone I work with, so don't get too excited…Geez! If you plan on helping me, be here at six. Yes, that someone will be here then too…No…No! See you at six." She replaced the receiver and turned over to see Shawn watching her. "Good morning. Want breakfast?" she asked. As he nodded and smiled a sleepy grin, her chest tightened at how much she didn't want to do this and at how much she needed to do this. "Good. Get up and help me."

"Glad to know I'm someone and that I have to help make breakfast," he replied, rubbing his eyes and then slipping out from between the sheets nude.

"Trust me when I say it's for the better that Jamie, or any of them for that matter, don't know that you're here. We wouldn't have been able to get out of bed before all of them showed up," she replied, reaching for her robe before getting up.

As the day progressed, Shawn was making it harder and harder for her to keep with her decision. She definitely could have done without the fairly eventful trip to the grocery store though. It wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't know half the people who worked there and who immediately recognized Shawn. He reveled in the attention, so she had to drag him out of there for them to get back in time. It was even worse when all five of her friends rang the doorbell at six on the dot. Jamie had guessed right and they had come prepared for autographs with several items and cameras in hand. She thought she was going to have to find her sunglasses to get through the photo session. Even worse, HBK was enjoying himself way too much. He loved his fans and always went out of his way to accommodate them.

With all of the food dumped on her dining room table by her guests, she was left to prepare supper on her own. Every so often, one of them would drift to check on her and thank her for Shawn being over. Not by my choice, but she would smile and send them back into the living room where everyone else was gathered around him and talking avidly. Maybe it was for the best that she was left alone so she didn't have to actively hide her emotions.

When supper was finally done, a terrible fight ensued as to who was sitting where. She handed Shawn a plate of spaghetti at the stove and whispered in his ear, "I told you so."

"Are you kidding? This is too much fun," he replied with a laugh. "We should have done this sooner." He settled himself at the table while Samia located extra chairs for them to crowd in around her small dining room. A roll of dice finally settled the seating arrangement because nothing else would appease adults acting like children. Samia readily took the seat farthest from him. She watched the excited interaction and wondered why exactly Shawn was accommodating her friends—to keep her happy and persuade her to do what the nWo wanted?

Samia's friends finally shut up long enough to watch SmackDown, but commercials were open season on Shawn again. She took the time in the middle of the show to rinse the dishes and load them in the dishwasher. She stopped a moment to watch Shawn in the midst of her friends, her doubts erased by the image of them having a good time. He is so good with people, she thought, Look at them listening to him like they're lives depended on it. I bet he'd be the best Dad. Whoa, girl! Don't go down that avenue. She returned to cleaning up the kitchen trying to force back the emotions rolling through her.Shawn slipped out during a match to talk to her and he caught her with tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She was once again fighting with her decision to walk out on him.

"What is wrong, Angel? That's two times in two days that I know about," he said, wiping away a tear that she had missed when he sneaked up on her.

Samia immediately started digging for a lie. "My parents died about this time five years ago. Seeing moments like these really make me miss them," she explained, which wasn't too much of a lie. It had been five years and she did miss them but that was not exactly why she was tearing up. If she thought about them, she would, which was something she didn't need on top if this.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, pulling her head to his chest, and she wrapped her arms around him.

"You're so good to me…and the guys to. You don't have to do this."

He stroked her hair. "I want to. It's definitely not a problem."

"You're the best, you know? I love you." In response, he pulled her chin up to kiss her. That's when she noticed that they had an audience. All five of the attentive faces quickly turned around when her gaze caught theirs. "We're being watched," she whispered.

"So?" Shawn asked, touching his nose to hers.

"Go back in there before they die without you." He quickly kissed her before returning back to the living room.

He didn't say it back. She had tempted fate and said she loved him but he hadn't responded with anything other than a kiss. Now, she didn't worry about it. Shawn would hardly be hurt, a little embarrassed but not hurt. She had to leave them and little mattered now.

Well after midnight and several games of Twister later, the gang finally disappeared down her apartment hall. She was beyond exhausted and Shawn knew it. He slid in bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her. "Shawn?"

"Mmm," he sleepily answered.

"I promise to give the belt to X-Pac if you'll just wait another week. I'll do it without a problem and we'll all be happy campers."

He rose up on his elbow to look at her with a smile. "I knew you'd come around. It really is for the best."

"I know."

"We'll take care of you 'til then."

"I know." Wouldn't do anything to let the nWo lose a precious belt, Samia sarcastically thought but then chastised herself for the comment Either way, he wouldn't be getting the belt if she could help it. Shawn kissed her on the forehead and settled back down beside her to drift off to sleep.

TBC…