Obsession Chapter 1 – The One That Is Not Me
I gazed at the couple sharing an intimate kiss, their eyes glittering with passion, their bodies crying out for more intimate actions. I sighed, wishing that I could, for once in my eighteen years of life, be like them. Have someone I loved by my side, always laughing, always smiling.
(They're so carefree…like birds without cages. Their love is free and in the open, and they don't care who sees them. Love seems…beautiful when represented by such devotion, such connection. Can't I be allowed to be like that, too?)
"Zell? Zell, are you there? Hellooo…calling Zell Dincht." Selphie was knocking on my head, her green eyes smiling at me, while Quistis had been calling my name.
"Oh…huh? What were you saying, Instructor Trepe?" I asked, suddenly realizing I must seem out of character. Slowly, I slipped into my usual persona, plastering a fake smile on my face as usual. Pretending to be happy…pretending to be content, pretending to be someone or something I was not. Could I ever be that thing?
Sheepishly I scratched my blonde head, taking care not to mess up the large spike atop my head.
"Sorry, ladies, I was jus' thinkin' 'bout this new punching bag I saw…uh…" I tilted my head to the side, pretending to try and remember where I had seen this invisible punching bag. Always pretending…when could it stop? "Uh…somewhere."
"Hah! Typical Zell." Quistis laughed. I pretended to look mildly offended, but on the inside, I was hurting.
(Typical me…is there really a typical me? Am I…just a stereotypical silly guy whom everyone thinks they know? Can I be something more…something more fulfilling? I want to be…)
I frowned on the inside, feeling great sadness swell up inside my body.
(I will never be…that deep, caring, sensitive guy…like Squall. Everyone expects him to be cold-hearted and careless, and they are surprised when he actually expresses affection for someone or something. Heck, that's how I reacted to him. But at least he shows how he feels once in a while. I…never do. Does that make me a coward?)
"So anyway, what did you want?" I asked the two females, pretending to act antsy and excited and uncomfortable sitting still when I was really uncomfortable and depressed, and all I wanted to do was sleep.
"I just wanted to request your attendance at the Garden Festival party!" Selphie said cheerily, her cleanly plucked eyebrows raising in excitement.
"Then why is Quistis here?"
"Oh…I just wanted to try out the croissants here. I heard they were splendid!" Quistis grinned, picking up a croissant from the plate in front of her and putting the entire thing in her mouth all at once. Her face lit up as soon as her tongue touched the bread.
"So, will you come?" Selphie asked as Quistis chewed on the buttery bread.
"Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever." I said, pretending to be bored.
"They're so buttery!" She exclaimed, leaping from the small booth the three of us occupied in seek of more croissants.
"Is that all, then?" I asked, pretending, once again, to look bored.
"Yeah, that's all." Selphie said, taking a sip of her orange juice. As I started to leave, Quistis came back, a plateful of croissants in her hands. She plopped down in the booth next to Selphie, her eyes soaking in the buttery pieces of French bread.
"Before you go, you should try one of these." She said, picking one up, scrutinizing it, and then biting into it. "Mmmm…so delicious…"
"No thanks. I'll come back another time." I said, turning around.
"You wanna go check out that punching bag, don't you?" She asked, having already finished her croissant. Now Selphie was stuffing herself with the buttery, hot, delicious looking bread while Quistis watched her with jealousy in her eyes before reaching over-quite angrily, I thought-to snatch a croissant from the plate.
"Hell yeah, baby!" I pumped my fists into the air, smiling wickedly, showing my bright white teeth in a wide grin.
(I want to get out of here…)
"See you both later! I'm off!" I zipped from the small restaurant, pausing at the door to yell 'yeah!' one more time (startling an elderly man just entering the building), then quickly exiting, running all the way down the street until I turned a corner, when I slowed down to a slow walk.
(Back at the restaurant…I can just hear Quistis. 'Typical, typical Zell. He's always so energetic and so loud,' she says. But what if I'm not so typical? What if I'm not so energetic? What if I'm not so loud? I wish…that everyone could see the real me, the me inside this pretend body of lies. If Quistis could see Squall behind the mask he always wore, and if Rinoa could see the real Squall, the Squall inside the false body, then why can't either of them see through my mask? Why can't either of them see through my false body?)
I glanced around, suddenly feeling very alone. There were couples everywhere…huddled together, protecting their loved one from the cold, smiling, laughing…preparing themselves to spend this Christmas season with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
(There is no one here in which to hold…or protect me from the cold… Why don't I have a special person? Why don't I just go out and find one right now? Is it really that easy? I feel so lonely…so terribly lonely…)
I hugged myself, shivering from the winter cold. Snowflakes blew past my shoulders, the wind blowing the small particles of frozen water back up to the sky, back up to nature.
I walked through town by myself for a long while, studying the people around me, all excited, all happy. Finally looking up at the sky after gazing at the ground in depression, I noticed that it was beginning to darken. So, glancing sadly at the people paired up in front of me, all heading someplace important, I turned down the lonely, deserted road to the Garden. After I walked for a little while, I was out of Balamb completely, and I was all alone in the quickly darkening land. Sure, I knew my way through this land I could do it in my sleep in pitch black darkness, and my fighting skills didn't need to even be questioned, but still, something about the black abyss ahead of me scared me a little. Was it was the fact that I was alone? Did I somehow know, in the back of my mind, that if I were to die right here, right now, that it would be alone, and no one would be there to hold my hand or tell me it would be okay? So alone…facing eternal blackness…by myself…
A Bite Bug flew out in front of me, blocking the lightless, invisible path I was walking upon. Silently, without much effort, I kicked the bug once, watching it fly into the dark grass, it's faint light quickly dying out. As the blackness settled, once disturbed by the light of the small creature I had killed, I resumed walking, this time turning in a direction I knew would not lead me to the Garden. What was there to do in that place, anyway? Stare at the other couples heading for their bedrooms, prepared to spend yet another night together, wrapped in the other's arms? Go to my own dorm and sit there, alone and depressed? No, there was nothing for me to accomplish at Garden. I knew that I would be allowed to stay out past curfew…Headmaster Cid didn't mind, since all of my educational work had been completed and all I did now was go on missions as a SeeD (missions didn't come too often anyway, since most of the world was at peace now). There was nothing for me in this world. I was an orphan, and at 20, I would be sent out into the real world with no skills but in a weapon, something not too useful in the world these days, unless I wanted to cause a riot.
"So…what will I become when I leave this place? Right now I am someone…the 18 years old, one of the boys who saved the world, the Garden student, the energetic, obedient blonde boy. But when I leave…who will I be then? Everything I have become is reliant on Garden, so if I leave…I will be no one." I kicked a stone in front of me, listening to it bounce softly among the blades of dark grass. "What reason is there, really, to live after Garden? I will have to retrain myself to be successful…and where could I live, anyway? I know I was taught to live on my own, but still…the idea makes me sad. By myself? Everyone else has someone to live with forever by their side, but me…? I have no one. Am I supposed to live by myself?"
A bunch of Bite Bugs accompanied by a Caterchipillar bombarded me with their weak attacks, and I knocked them all out in one hit.
Usually, fighting helped me to feel better, but today, it was not helping.
(Maybe these enemies are too weak… I know I didn't want to go back, but…Garden just got a new shipment of T-Rexuars in…if Squall hasn't killed them all by now, I think I'll go and wipe out a few myself.)
Sighing heavily, I cracked my neck quickly, the snap in my bones strangely providing me some comfort, and I turned my depressed form back to the gravel path that would lead me to the Garden.
Bang! The fourth T-Rexuar that night fell to the ground, dead. I watched in semi-fury as the body began to disintegrate, and then, to my surprise, a leather-clad body stepped out from behind the carcass, his gaze directed at me.
(Squall! …Coulda figured you were here.)
"Zell." He stated simply, his lupine eyes gazing at me, but not with the usual cold gaze. "What's up? The girls said they haven't seen you all day. Selphie was looking for you…something about the dance, I think."
"…I was walking around Balamb. Taking in the sights." I said nonchalantly.
"The sights?" Squall laughed, a kind of dry laugh that seemed more of a mocking sound. "You've lived in Balamb your whole life…what is there left to see?"
I froze, wondering if I should tell him what I was really doing.
"Okay, fine. I was…just appreciating life. Y'know…since all of us came so close to death…it feels good to be alive, you know? All of these things around me that I never took the time to appreciate…that's what I've been doing since we came back." I explained, not liking the cold stare in Squall's eyes. I knew that's just what the man looked like when he focused on someone or something, but… Hoping Squall wouldn't notice, I shuddered.
(God, I would hate to have that stare directed at me if I were a monster…he looks so ruthless.)
"Yeah…yeah, I understand you." Squall's throaty voice interrupted my thoughts. He waited for a reply.
"Oh…" I sat down on a rock, realizing that I needed to say something. Squall finally started moving. He stepped past the T-Rexuar corpse, nothing more than a pile of dust now, and walked over to where I was, sitting swiftly, in one perfect, stealthy move, making himself comfortable on the ground next to me, not seeming to care whether his precious black leather pants grew dirty from the ground.
(I…what do I say now? What is there to say?)
"…You understand?" Was all I could come up with.
"Yeah. I mean…all those little things that you used to take for granted…the things you don't even notice…they all seem so important now. Like…you live and you are happy by these things. It's just that…before, you didn't take notice to them. And now you do." The brunette coughed, his hand firmly grasping the handle of the Lionheart gunblade in front of him. I nodded in understanding.
"It just seems amazing…how much there really is. I mean…how much does it take to make one person happy? The Creator sure must have gone out of his way to see that his people were pleased and happy and content with their lives." I mused, now talking to mostly myself. I didn't expect a reply…but I got one, anyway.
"Maybe that's how pathetic humans can really be. I mean…look at Seifer, for instance. He, in actuality, might be one of the most selfless people out there-"
"Squall!" I scolded, my face and eyes growing wide. "You don't mean that!"
"Let me finish." He replied quietly, holding a single gloved finger to his lips. "He could be one of the most selfless people…in a way. All he wants is to be a Sorceress' Knight…and that's it. That's all he needs to make him happy. That's all he wants. You compare him to someone like General Caraway, and yeah, then Seifer really does seem like a nice guy."
"The guy tried to kill us!" I cried. Squall, annoyed, put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet.
"I said…that if you would compare those two there would be no competition, Seifer would win. That's all." He glared at me, and I shrunk back, those sea blue eyes burning themselves into my brain.
"If you put all the General's greediness together and all Seifer's greediness together, who is worse?" He asked, taking his hand away from my mouth. I made a face, as the leather of his glove had gotten in my mouth.
"…The General." I admitted, nodding my head. Squall said nothing. He was looking at something, and his ears seemed to perk up, like he was listening to something. Then he bolted up from the ground, his gunblade firmly in hand. He ran extremely fast across the bridge and then disappeared. Shocked, I quickly got up, my mind barely processing his lightening fast actions, and I ran after him, not sure exactly what was going on.
As soon as I rounded the corner, however, I found out. Rinoa had come into the training center-searching for Squall, probably-and been cornered by a group of T-Rexaurs searching for a tasty meal.
"Zell, let's go!" Squall raised the Lionheart still clasped tightly in his hand, and he ran towards one of the T-Rexuars, the biggest one of the group. I raised my fists and ran toward a little one, landing a hard right uppercut to its jaw. Angrily it jumped on me, its thick jaws digging into my side. I cried out, kicking it, watching it fly over my head, landing motionlessly on its back. Cheering, I climbed up and launched a jumpkick at another one of the dinosaurs. It reeled backward, seemingly flying backwards until the body finally landed by Squall's feet. He barely glanced at it as he tore his gunblade through the reddish flesh of another dinosaur, tossing it aside quickly and beginning on another. I heard Rinoa chanting a cure spell, and I felt my side begin to seal up, the blood ceasing its flow. I thanked my raven haired companion as I dug the spikes on my knuckles into a smaller T-Rexuar that had been climbing on Squall's back as he tore at the largest one again, its fury seeming to become stronger as its blood spilled from wounds all over its body.
"Rinoa, where is your Pinwheel?" Squall asked his girlfriend as she cowered in the corner, backed into it by one of the dinosaurs. I ran after it as she replied, her voice shaking in fear.
"I-I left it in your room b-by accident…" She ducked and covered her head as the T-Rexuar came in for an attack. I grabbed it by the tail, hoisted it up, and slammed it back on the ground with all of my energy. It let out a moan and then fell to the ground, closing its eyes and making no noise thereafter.
"You alright?" I asked the shaken girl, gazing at her with concern. There was a small scratch on her forehead where the T-Rexuar had swiped at her, but other than that she seemed alright.
"Yes, I'm fine." She said, but her attention seemed to be elsewhere. I turned around to see where she was looking, and I spotted Squall and the largest T-Rexuar, the last one of the group still alive. He took a powerful swing and sliced one of its legs off, and then he braced himself as the powerful tail of the monster knocked him backward. Climbing up again, he narrowed his eyes and smiled coldly at the flailing dinosaur before him. Then he ran in, his sword lifted, and he made a deep cut in the throat of the animal. Grunting, the large dinosaur fell to the ground, shaking the floor, throwing a few specks of blood my way. Blood from it spilled all over Squall's body, soaking his black leather, staining it slightly crimson. His brunette hair was matted to his blood stained face, while his own blood mingled with the blood of the dinosaurs he had just brutally killed.
"Squall, are you alright?" Rinoa asked, running over to her lover and hugging him, not caring that her powder blue clothes were stained crimson by touching him. "Are you hurt?" She glanced worriedly at a large slice on his leather jacket, at the white shirt that had been ripped open by furious claws to reveal broken skin beneath. Quickly she cast a healing spell, and I watched his cut come together almost instantly.
"I'm fine." He pulled her close to him, closing his stormy blue eyes for a brief moment before glancing at me. "Zell…you're okay too, right?"
"Yes, I'm perfectly fine." I rubbed my side where the cut had been earlier. Other than a small scar, there was nothing there anymore. He nodded, turning to his girlfriend.
"Now…what is it that you wanted?" He asked her. She looked at the ground shyly.
"I don't know…" She ran a boot through the dirt beneath her feet. "I just wanted to see you."
"And so you came here, all by yourself, unarmed, just because you wanted to see me?" Squall narrowed his eyes at the girl. "You knew there was a new shipment of dinosaurs earlier, and yet you still came without your pinwheel?" He seemed furious as she replied, her voice wavering as she tried to find words Squall wouldn't be angry at her for saying.
"I figured you had killed most of the T-Rexuars already…you've been spending a lot of time here lately…"
As Squall began to reply with a snarl in his voice, I made up my mind to leave. Neither of them seemed to notice I was there, anyway…and besides, I was beginning to feel lonely again. Granted, returning to an empty dorm room with nothing but a few of Balamb Garden's hot dogs to keep me company wasn't going to help me, either, but it was better then listening to a couple quarrel when, in the end, they were going to return together to Squall's dorm room and fall asleep in the other's arms.
I walked through the dimly lit hallways of the Garden alone, taking comfort in the fact that no one else was around to make me feel lonely. These days, even in the night, there seemed to be couples hanging out in the hallways, kissing in the darkness, hiding in the shadows to keep from being caught out late, saying goodbye to each other as they parted in the Dormitory. It seemed the Creator was giving them all the attention while I waited, alone, for my own special companion to arrive, a wish I knew could never come true.
Secretly pleased to find that there was no one in the Dormitory hallways, I walked down the corridors to my own door, a door which would open to my empty room, my empty bed, my empty life. And though I knew what was behind the door, I opened it. Walking in, I closed the oak door behind me and I didn't even bother to turn on the light as I removed my shoes and my gloves. Then, once my bedtime procedures had been completed, I lay down on my unmade bed, flipping the switch on a fan on the nightstand next to my bed, feeling the air run across my face. I pulled my thin sheet over my body, holding it close as if it were a person. Wrapped in the comfort of the blanket, I fell into sleep.
The next morning, I was stirred into consciousness by Selphie who was shaking me with great force and calling my name loudly. I groaned and swiped at her face while rolling around in my sheets with attempts to fall back asleep.
"Selphie…go away!" I screamed at her, falling on the floor at the same time. After flailing around for a bit, I finally gazed up at Selphie, an infurious look on my face.
"What do you want?" I asked with my teeth gritted. Selphie didn't even flinch at my maliciousness towards her.
"So you will really come to the party?" She asked in a high tone of voice.
"You woke me up to ask that!" I climbed up and screamed at her. Still she did not flinch.
"Well actually…I only imput my own question into the original message." She replied perkily.
"What was the original message?" I asked impatiently.
"There's a new mission for us…Headmaster Cid wants you, Squall, Quistis, and me to go to his office immediately and we'll get information about the situation." Selphie explained.
"All right." I rubbed my eyes, deriving them of sleep. "I'll be up there in five minutes."
"Okie dokie." Selphie grinned, waving a peace sign and hopping from the room, closing the door behind her.
(How can she be so perky, so happy all the time? It's unnatural…)
I didn't bother running through the shower; it's not like anyone cared about that part of me, anyway. Their only concern was whether I could fight or not, and surely, I could fight. Now someone like Squall, someone who had a girlfriend that cared about his hygiene, showered everyday about two times, one of those times with Rinoa in the shower as well, probably. Sometimes those two were just too lovely-dovey…but at least it was in private. What rights did I have thinking them sickening when they weren't that way in front of me?
(I'm just jealous…I want to be that way too…)
Quietly I clothed myself in the darkness, not bothering with my hair for today. As I wandered out into the hallways, people eyed me curiously, questioning the disarray of my attire and hair. As I shuffled through the cramped corridors, I noticed my shoe was untied, but in my disinterest, I ignored it. Blowing through the hallways like a brief gust of wind, I swiftly made my way up to the Headmaster's office, just barely making it in the five minute time slot I had allowed myself. Upon arriving in the plushly furnished room, I found five pairs of eyes gazing at me in distaste. Three gazes averted away quickly as my own gaze met theirs, but the other two remained as I took my place next to Selphie in the line that had been formed in front of Headmaster Cid and Xu, who was trying to keep her attention away from me, on the Oriental rug lying on the floor over by Squall.
"Zell, why haven't you dressed in your battle clothes?" Cid inquired of me.
"I was unaware we were going into battle." I replied, trying my best to maintain that perky persona I was supposed to have in the morning.
(I work so hard to maintain an image that is not really me…why? Why do I pretend, day after day, that I am this energetic muscle man who can do anything, say anything, and not question his actions? I'm not that person…he's only a story book character whose identity I have assumed. But if that is not me…who am I?)
"You were unaware? Zell, whenever you are called to this office for a mission it's because you need to fight. After Headmaster Cid informs you of the situation, you will change into your fighting clothes." Xu commanded. I stood stiffly, uncomfortably, nodding.
"Y-yes ma'am."
Headmaster Cid took over, explaining the situation to us. Deling City was being overrun by monsters again and had requested two SeeD members to erase these monsters from the city. The reason there were four people called up was because Selphie and Quistis were needed in Shumi Village…which left Squall and I for the Deling City mission.
I knew the monsters in Deling City wouldn't be tough-probably just a bunch of Geezards and Wendigos like the last 'invasion.' Easy kid stuff. The only reason Garden had even agreed to take the job was because Deling City was offering a much needed one million gil.
I went back to my dorm and showered and changed-for some reason I felt my hygiene was important when I was around Squall.
He and I met up at the front gate. He didn't look happy to see me, and for some reason that made me sad. Was I that desperate for attention?
As he and I sat in the cramped yellow Garden car that was transporting us to Balamb, I secretly watched the sulky brunette from the corner of my eyes. At that moment he was so lovely to me…
Author's Notes: Wow…so, SOOO long since I've updated! This story was going to be a one-shot, but spontaneously I decided to make it more than one chapter, if only because it might make it easier for me to update, what with so many projects going on for me.
I'm so happy right now! This is my first non-songfic in such a long time! It feels good to be returning to old grounds. Once again, I really am sorry for not posting for such a long time…my new school isn't going very well at the moment. It isn't the homework, it's the people. --
I might be posting a new Gravitation story soon (for anyone who cares) called Birdcage and also the sequel to Umare Koibito, Au Revoir. I'm also remaking Emotionless, working on an X-Men story called Lupine (which is still in plot development and probably won't be up for a while) and also an original story called La Dix Croix. Lots going on!
Speaking of other projects, I have a new story on fictionpress (my name on there is Cleopatra89) called Tears of the Sky. If you don't mind, please check it out! I've been working very hard on it. Right now I know it's long, but I'm redoing it in short installments, so please check it out when I redo it if you have the time!
So I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'm hoping to get the next chapter done soon! As I said, I have other things to do as well, but I will try my hardest to get it done! Right now this is what I'm focusing on, so it might not be too long.
Okay then, goodbye and please don't forget to review!