Chapter 2

Something snaps

Severus was still deeply immersed in his thoughts, replaying some of the most precious and cherished memories in his mind. Many of them caused a flicker of a smile appear at the corner of his mouth, some made him grin broadly, and he actually chuckled at a few. But among this multitude of pleasant memories there was none quite as dear to his heart as that of a stormy night in early September, exactly a year ago, he realized with a jolt. It was then, that, despite the howling wind, deafening thunder and torrential rain outside, he felt the happiest in his life.

A storm of ferocity yet unseen raged outside of Hogwarts. Rain, thunder and lightning attacked the age-old stone walls as if aiming to break them. The inhabitants of the Castle fled to the safe warmth of the Common Rooms and offices (if they were teachers), the ghosts didn't drift along the corridors and even the caretaker Brutus seemed to have finally taken some rest to nurse his rheumatism. Hogwarts seemed deserted. Severus would have enjoyed the fact, if only he hadn't so much going on in his mind.

He was sitting on a very large and comfortable windowsill just outside the Hospital Wing, watching the heavy raindrops hit the glass and not really seeing them. What he did see, though, were Potter's eyes, looking directly in his with uncharacteristic intensity, making him wonder.

Severus never felt so confused in his whole life. The way Potter usually behaved towards him and that searching, worried last glance just didn't fit together. Severus searched for an explanation of all this, but those as came to him were too ludicrous and impossible to be true. Except for one theory, which was, probably, the worst of all.

"What the hell is happening to me?",- he thought furiously, massaging his temples with his knuckles. The answer came immediately, but he didn't want to accept it, didn't want it to be true. He tried to escape the thought, tried to ignore it, hide from it, but it kept coming back to him.

"Damn",- he said softly and leaned his burning forehead to the ice-cold window, fighting angry tears. He hated himself. He had a crush on James Potter. And hoped that Potter felt the same way, hating himself even more for that.

"Wha-what are you doing here?",- the voice, though barely above a whisper, still made Severus jump, somehow managing to bang his forehead on the hard glass by doing so. He turned his head. There was a terrific roll of thunder and in a flash of lightning he saw the reason of his present self-hating state. James Potter, in person, was standing in front of him, wearing an expression of mingled perplexity, surprise and something that Severus very much wanted to interpret as joy at seeing him... "Stop being an idiot!",- Severus kicked himself mentally.

James lit the tip of his wand and approached him slowly.

"What are you doing here?",- he repeated the question, looking Severus in the eyes. Severus' mouth went dry at this look. He turned back to the window, leaning his now sore forehead back to the cold glass.

"What do you care?",- he hated the sound of his own voice, which came hoarse and humble from his unworking throat.

"I just ... care",- James answered quietly. Then, casting a worried glance over Severus' hunched form he added: "Do you want to freeze yourself to death or something?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, thinking up something offensive to say, when he realized he was actually shivering. So he merely shrugged and hopped off the sill.

Both boys stood facing each other, not knowing what to say or what to begin with. Finally, James said, somewhat gruffly at first: "Listen, I'm not good at talking ... But you knew where I was doing detention tonight, and you came ... I know what that means. So, without making any promises ... let's just ... try ..?" His voice trailed off.

During that little speech Severus intently stared at his shoes. When at last he looked up he saw Potter holding out his hand, palm upwards. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached for the offered hand. Their fingers twined, their eyes met. Neither said anything, they just looked at each other. Severus marveled yet again at how beautiful one's eyes could be. He didn't reprimand himself for the thought. There was no need of it anymore. Something happened inside him, turning his world upside-down. Yet, oddly enough, he did not mind. Suddenly, he noticed that James was grinning.

"What?",- he asked, with a touch of asperity that became trademarked in the years to follow. James was still grinning at him, undaunted, a true Gryffindor. Finally, he said, pressing Severus' hand gently: "You can look sort of nice, when you want, Severus".

Seeing his nonplussed face, James laughed: "Nevermind that... Let's get out of this place, it's freezing!"

A whole year passed since that moment, but Severus' heart still swelled to an unnatural size and his head felt light at the thought of something so good happening to him. He remembered how he felt back then, at the beginning when all the confusion and doubt faded. A gentle glow settled inside him, as if someone lit a small lantern deep within, and suddenly his life didn't seem so dark and dreary.

It was odd, having someone caring about you, that person not being your mother. More odd still was the fact of this person being James Potter.

He was raised (or grew up, more like – his father never let his mother raise him properly) to believe that couples consisted of a man and a woman, and all different from that were considered out of order. But being close with James wasn't repulsive or unnatural. On the contrary, it was natural and easy, and it just felt so right.

Sometimes after hours of listening to Lucius' ramble about girls he dated (for some odd reason, Malfoy tended to talk to him of all these matters), Severus had brief moments of curiosity: what would it be like – being with a girl, for a change? Probably dismal,- he answered himself, judging by Malfoy's talk and what little he knew or guessed about girls. They were odd creatures, constantly giggling and talking in whispers, laughing shrilly and often saying nonsense. Although, according to Lucius, there was at least one good thing about girls. Severus even went as far as interrupting him in mid-ramble to ask what exactly this thing was. Malfoy smirked and his grey eyes glittered coldly when he drawled: "You'll learn soon enough" Looking him over appraisingly, he added: "And it's high time, too"

Severus shrugged and privately decided to listen to Malfoy in complete silence the next time.

Yet, despite the pleasant reminiscences, Severus was anxious. James' behavior bothered and alarmed him. He was carefully avoiding Severus whenever he crossed him. Severus knew that those friends of James, especially Black, wouldn't be happy if they learned about him and James. But that didn't stop him last year, and as far as he remembered it was James who started the whole thing.

"If they knew, Black would've probably already tried to hex me or maybe beat me to a pulp. Wouldn't put anything past the brute",- Severus thought.

But what was it then? Suddenly, James' voice sounded clearly in his head: "No promises, from either of us. It would be best."

Yes, James said that more than once, when they finally tackled the serious talking.

"You sound like a classic Slytherin, James. Surely the Sorting Hat didn't make a mistake three years ago?",- Severus remembered asking once during such a talk.

"No, it's just your influence, Sevvie dear",- James answered at once in a breathy voice, making a silly face and battering his eyelashes in a perfect imitation of Ivy Parkinson. She was an exceptionally plain-looking and dim-witted Slytherin girl, who, to his utmost distress, was in love with him and made a point of acting stupidly when he was around and persistently called him 'Sevvie' for all the Great Hall to hear.

"Ugh! Knock it off, Potter, you're disgusting!",- Severus flung a towel at him, but James dodged it and next second another towel hit him squarely in the face, making him lose balance. Lying on the cold floor of the circular bathroom, Severus brushed it away.

"Why do you always have to show off your Quidditch skills?"

"Aw, Severus, don't scowl, you should know I always retaliate... It's more of a second nature than anything",- the Gryffindor added somewhat apologetically.

"Yeah, you've proven that on countless occasions, James"

James left the sofa where he was sprawled in a relaxed fashion to join Severus on the hard floor. He bent over the lying form, looking at him silently.

"You've got the best eyes"

The smile on his face and the warmth radiating from hazel irises made Severus' heart leap. The gentle finger tracing his jawline made him catch his breath. James bent closer.

"I've always found the color black very intense. Your eyes prove me right every time"

Severus breathed a sigh of pleasure as James put a light kiss on the corner of his lips.

He was still smiling at the memory when the door opened soundlessly to let in the slender frame of James Potter. Severus looked up, coming back from his reverie.

"It's been a long time, James",- he said in a low voice, watching the Gryffindor closely. He thought it would sound sappy to say "I missed you", even though it was on the tip of his tongue.

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's been a long time",- was the response.

Severus didn't like the sound of his voice. It was tense, uneasy, so unlike the usually relaxed James Potter he grew accustomed to in the third year.

There was a strained pause, during which James paced back and forth, arms crossed on his chest, avoiding Severus' eyes, while the latter was watching his every move.

Finally, he heaved a sigh, his palms curled into fists and he turned to face Severus, who hadn't moved an inch and waited in silence, bracing himself for whatever was coming. He already knew it would be something unpleasant, having guessed it by James' nervous state.

Still avoiding direct eye contact, James cleared his throat and spoke in a rather shaky voice: "You know I'm bad at talking, Severus. But I have something ... important ... and ... unpleasant ... to say."

Severus waited with bated breath, staring hard at James.

He went on, slightly more confident: "You remember, last year, we agreed on not making promises and binding ourselves, in case ... something ... happened. Both of us"

Still silent, Severus nodded slightly.

There was another deep sigh, and then: "Well, Severus, it happened. I ... I fell in love",- here, for the first time, James looked squarely into Severus' eyes. Their gazes were still locked when he finished the sentence: "With a girl"

It took a whole minute for the message to sink in.

At first, he felt dumbfounded, as if someone bashed him on the head with a saucepan. Heat and cold coursed in quick succession though his body. Then his insides seemed to deflate, leaving him empty in an odd sort of fog, with something like a hundred thousand pounds weighing on him, only dimly aware of James being in the room and watching him concernedly. The sensation was very much the same as being thrown into a bottomless pit and sinking to its depths. The feeling was gone as unexpectedly as it came, the surroundings were thrown into sharp relief as oxygen began coursing through his lungs again. The realization finally burst through the fog of incoherent thoughts and images and reached his unworking brain. No, 'reached' was not and adequate word to describe its effect. What it did was hitting his mind like a meteor, burning, tearing, ripping at his heart and soul, leaving a trail of black ashes in its wake. All the good feelings and bright pictures were scorched and shriveled. The seedlings of compassion, understanding and trust were wiped out without trace. It was harder to do the same with love, as it became a part of him over a school year, but that would disappear too, eventually. Something snapped, deep within. The small light glowing inside his heart went out. Everything went dark and hollow.

"Severus..? ,- James' voice was quiet and worried,- How ... how are you?"

James made the first step to approach him. He never got the chance of making the second one.

"How am I?" Severus hissed, torn between rage and despair. "How am I?!",- he repeated more loudly, leaping to his feet. "You avoid me like the plague during a whole week, then you send a cryptic one-liner, and finally you come here announcing that you are in love with some girl. Honestly, James, I thought you'd have more sense than to ask how I am after all this!"

"Severus, listen ..."

"No, you are the one as should listen, James Potter. A few minutes ago you made a part of my world shatter. You made me lose a piece of my precious self. What you've done is irreversible, and I'll be damned if you won't have to face the consequences! I wonder, though, how does it feel, ending in this fashion something you've started?"

James' face changed. His jaw had gone rigid and his eyes flared dangerously: "As far as I remember, Severus, you were the one who came to me that evening last year."

Severus narrowed his eyes and smirked deliberately: "Why, yes, but I wasn't the one giving off passionate stares ... or was I?"

The sight of James Potter going red in the face gave Severus the twisted kind of pleasure he realized he missed. Shame it didn't last long. James recovered quickly. And retaliated.

"That's exactly the reason why I insisted on not giving promises. If you took this whole thing too seriously it's not my fault, but yours",- the words were barely distinguishable, coming through clenched teeth, the hazel stare was giving off ice and fire at the same time.

This was more than Severus could take. Those last words were the more painful for being true. He made a mental note of pruning out such a nuisance as conscience. He took out his wand, but didn't raise it. For the moment.

"Get out, Potter. I don't want t see you, nor have anything in common wit you. Get the hell out of here before I blow that overstuffed head of yours clean off."

James watched him for a moment, searching his eyes. Then, without a word or backward glance, he left the room.

Severus stood in the middle of the prefects bathroom. The ringing silence that settled after the blazing row weighed on him heavily. More heavy still was the feeling of utter and complete loneliness.

Professor Severus Snape was sitting in his favorite armchair, hands clenching and unclenching, fathomless eyes distant. On a table before him sat a basin, which filled the dark study with a dancing, shimmering white light. Many long hours passed in silence, evening turned into late night, and the clock on the wall showed that dawn was on its way.

With a sad sort of sigh, the dark-haired man stirred. He extinguished the few candles that were still burning with a wave of his wand. Standing up, he cast a last glance at the Pensieve.

"Enough memory-stirring for tonight"

As if the object had a mind of its own, its light faded slowly in a swirl of silver and white.