Chapter 5

Confessions

"Remus?"

A boy with light brown hair and soft features smiled to himself upon hearing the shy voice call his name. When he turned around, the smile left his lips to come and hover in his eyes instead.

"Yes, James?"

Remus found the ability to make his voice even and his expression mild in every situation very useful, especially when trying to make his friends feel ashamed of themselves. He also found their absolute and complete ignorance of this guilty pleasure of his rather encouraging. And right now he was using his natural gift to make James Potter reconsider his last night's behavior. On the other hand, of course, James had been so distraught that Remus thought it was kinder to just offer him support, without the lecture or guilty-conscience-procedure.

But, just as he opened his mouth, James spoke.

"I know I was a bit of a prat to you yesterday, and I'm sorry for that, Moony"

This time, Remus grinned – James assumed his classic "guilty posture"(as Remus called it) – shoulders slightly slumped, head bowed, fingers fidgeting, and toes shuffling. And then came the 'final blow' – slowly, James lifted his face, to look at him, brown eyes living apology and earnestness. Which, in fact, instantly switched to bewilderment:

"Why are you grinning, is there something I said?"

Remus clapped a hand to his shoulder, biting back a snort, and assumed a serious expression.

"You're always a bit of a prat, James, the trick is to get used to that"

James looked at him suspiciously: "You're not trying to make me feel more miserable than I already am, are you, Moony?"

"Of course I'm not, James.", - Remus sighed. "So.. What happened last night? I heard you sneaking off and then waited till you came back. I though you were a ghost, you were so white."

Maybe it was his imagination, but Remus thought James avoided looking at him, when he said: "Let's … go for a walk."

There was a definite note of anxiety in his voice. Remus frowned, but followed him without a word as James led the way out of the crowded Common Room, down the many corridors and staircases, into the Entrance Hall and out on the Grounds. They headed to the lake, and came so near the edge their toes almost touched the water. Only then did James halt.

He stood looking silently at the dark mass before him, eyes strangely intent, and hands crisped tensely. One minute passed, then another, then several more. Remus waited patiently. Then, at last, James spoke: "I've got a story to tell you, Remus. You might find it very … strange. Maybe even sick. Maybe you'd never want to speak to me again after this." He shot the other boy a wary sideways look, and added: "But I need to tell someone, or I'll go mad."

"You can tell me anything, James, you know it." Remus said quietly, looking at his friend. He hoped he managed to keep the alarm he now felt out of his voice.

Quite suddenly, James turned to him and smiled. It was not his usual flashy grin, but a genuine, open, and somewhat vulnerable smile.

"I know it." He said. "That's why I came to you, Remus."

Remus was taken aback by this unexpected vote of confidence – James hardly ever fell into sentimentality, it was more of his own area of expertise. But when the first shock passed, Remus frowned. It was very strange indeed for James to come to him, when he and Sirius were close as brothers. Remus racked his brain, but found no explanation. Confused to no end, he stared at James's back in stunned silence, which, in fact, didn't last long.

"This story I'm talking about, it started last year, in September." – James began softly, and started walking slowly, bathing the soles of his shoes in the water. Remus followed him, staying away from the edge, and quickening his step to draw level with James.

"Remember what happened on the Hogwarts Express, Moony?" James asked suddenly.

"Sure I do, you and Sirius went silly with my chess set and started a fight, so I had to knock some sense into both your overlarge heads, then we all were out of our compartment, then Snape popped up and had a go at Sirius, and then we all hexed his head into the wall." – Remus answered recalling all the happenings of that day. He looked at James, a thought already half-formed in his mind. Slowly, he added: "The tripled spell knocked him unconscious, and… And you were the first one to run and check him."

"Yeah, I was. I didn't get a wink of sleep that night, you know – thinking about it. About him." James looked away on the lake again, and Remus watched his Adam's apple bob. He thought he had an idea about where this conversation led, and he didn't like it.

"Remus, there was something about the way he looked at me when he got conscious, it was just … so strange. I felt odd, I couldn't place that feeling. And then, that night when I was returning from that detention Malfoy gave me, he was there, waiting. Then I understood that … that ... well, I had a… weird sort of … crush on him."

Even though Remus had expected something of the sort, his jaw fell wide open just the same. He worked hard to get his face straight, and listen to his friend's story till the end. It was really bizarre, listening to James talking about his feelings for another boy. And Snape, out of every other possible candidate? This was just bizarre. Now Remus understood why James came to him. He wouldn't have risked telling this to Sirius – the conversation would have been the end of their friendship, that much was obvious. However, he felt very uncomfortable about all this thing, even though he was very grateful indeed that James skipped the most intimate parts. He wasn't sure he would be able to stand it…

James, meanwhile, was finished with his story – it took one full walk around the lake. They walked in silence for a while, and then, he spoke up again: "You know Moony, I actually thought I was in love with him. But now I know what that was - I just pitied him. Imagine, just for a second, that you're this kid with no particular talent except Potions and Dark Arts, whom everyone bullies and who has no friends. Awful, isn't it?"

Remus nodded his agreement, and James went on: "But I was 13 at the time. And rather stupid too – I didn't know anything about love then."

Remus scoffed: " Yeah, right, and now you're 14 and so much wiser."

He didn't manage to duck, as a jet of water directed by James' wand splattered his robes. "Oh, shut up, Moony, sarcasm doesn't suit you!"

"Well, sarcasm's the only thing that deflates that fat head of yours James, and you really should be grateful, because without me it'd have exploded long ago.", Remus responded, drying his robes with his wand.

"I'll take your word for it, Moony."-, James said, grinning at his friend, and pocketed his wand. His grin faded, when she said: "I still can't forget that look he shot me, before I left. Remus, it was a promise of war. I really don't want to be daggers with Severus – we'd had too many good times together..."

"But, James, honestly, what did you expect? What you did was cruel, though necessary. Snape isn't the forgiving type of person, and the more miserable he is, the more vindictive he'll get. I suggest you watch your back."

"Yeah, but … I'd understood, if it were me."

"Would you, James? Are you sure? Imagine this – Evans comes to you after a year's worth of dates, and tells you it's over. What would you do then?" Remus asked, turning sharply to James.

James turned away. "Yeah, but that'd be possible if she fancied me, for a start. Which she clearly doesn't." His tone was somewhat bitter.

"You didn't answer the question, James" Remus prompted quietly.

James turned back to him, his eyes overbright. "I got the point, Moony, ok? There's no need to badger-"

"Calm down, and stop yelling at me. Won't badger anymore." Remus replied calmly.

As usual, the quiet tone had its effect – James abandoned the defensive position and sighed. "Sorry, Moony, I'm being a prat again."

"Apology accepted. I think we should get back to the Castle – Sirius is probably done with his detention, and is now looking for us, plus it's lunch time already, and I'm bloody frozen." James nodded, and they made their way back to the castle. They were almost at the front doors when James said: "Thanks for listening, Moony"

"Not at all, James."

They were crossing the Entrance Hall when James suddenly asked: "Moony, how'd you know that I fancy Evans? I never told anyone."

Remus smirked. "Potter, you're way too obvious when it comes to love affairs."

James shot him an alarmed glance, and Remus added in an undertone: "Though I had no clue about your other interest."

They made their way into the great Hall, and, spotting Sirius and Peter halfway up the Gryffindor table, hurried over and took seats either side of them. Sirius first reprimanded them for sneaking off on their own, not warning him, and tried to find out what they were up to. After a few unsuccessful attempts he desisted and started telling them everything about his Detention in the library that Madam Pince set him. Remus, however, missed the most exiting part of the tale, involving colour-changing ink and Sugar Quills taking their place on Pince's bureau. He watched as Lucius Malfoy entered the Hall, leading Snape and talking to him in a very patronizing manner. They took neighbouring seats. Snape shot a malevolent look at James, and resumed his conversation with Malfoy. Remus frowned. He didn't like this sudden new friendship. But, as disturbing as he found it, he decided not to tell James yet. Soon enough, he joined the conversation, as it turned to the upcoming Transfiguration test and launched into the explanation of Switching Spells to Peter, who seemed rather lost in this subject.

"Damned bloody stupid boring unnecessary dull bleeding darned pointless Astronomy! Why did I have to take this damned Jupiter project?!"

That was the loudest grumble yet to have come from the armchair occupied by Ginny Weasley. She was sitting a little way away in her usual curled-up fashion, rather like a cat, and Harry wondered again how she managed to fold herself like that and feel comfortable, not to mention doing homework.

"You said 'damned' twice, Gin", he said, grinning at Hermione's disapproving face. She only just put up with Ron's language, but coming from Ginny it was too much for her.

Ginny's wand waved threateningly in his direction, but she didn't lift her eyes from the huge Astronomy book lodged on her knees.

"Harry, you'd better shut up, unless of course you have something to say about the moons of Jupiter."

"Lucky for you, I actually do know a thing or two about Jupiter's moons, Gin", Harry said, surprising even himself. In his honest bewilderment at this sudden stroke of brilliance, he didn't notice Hermione open her mouth and Ron nearly clapping his hand to it to silence her, hissing: "Hermione… don't …interfere!", and receiving a startled glare.

"Do you really?" Ginny asked dubiously, looking up at him.

"Yep, contrary to popular beliefs, the area of my achievements goes beyond the Quidditch field and Voldemort-fighting routine." With these words Harry rose from his chair and took one nearer to Ginny, leaving his half-finished Divination homework on the table. He was grateful for this excuse to stop working on that dream diary, of which he was beginning to get heartily sick.

Ginny watched him cross the distance between them with a sad kind of half-smile. Only last year she would've given anything, anything for this moment – Harry coming and sitting near her, helping her with studies, of his own accord. But right now she didn't feel ecstatic or even exited about it. It was just a pleasant, mellow kind of feeling… She was about to ask about that first moon, when something caught her attention.

Ron and Hermione were debating something in whispers, looking daggers at each other. Ginny nudged Harry and they paused to watch. Ron was clearly making a point to Hermione, with the air of someone explaining something extremely obvious. Hermione's arms were crossed, and the looks she gave him were those of mingled pity and annoyance. They were seated at a small distance, so Ginny caught only a few words of the debate:

"…should let them … best choice … you're smart, you should see…"

"Ron, you're pathetic … over with him … don't force those things… stupid, really…"

Ginny turned to Harry, one eyebrow raised. "Wonder what they're on about?"

Harry sighed. "Dunno. They're always bickering like that, drives me mad sometimes." He remembered how he snapped at them both that last time and his insides squirmed guiltily.

Ginny watched Ron and Hermione for a bit, and giggled. "Really, Hermione makes me wonder sometimes – she really doesn't see how my brother's all over her, or is she just playing stupid?",- she said quietly, shaking her head. "Maybe it's you she fancies, of course",- she went on, looking at Harry, whose eyes went round as Galleons at such a suggestion,-"But they remind me so much of Mum and Dad… It'd be a shame if they didn't get together… Harry, don't look at me as if you never thought Hermione could fancy you! No, don't tell me you didn't… Wait… you really didn't?" It was Ginny's turn to look at him round-eyed for surprise when Harry shook his head mutely. She stared at him, apparently too surprised to speak, so Harry broke the silence.

"Actually, Gin, I really didn't think of Hermione that way. She always was … you know… more of a sister to me." After a moment's consideration, he added: "A very bossy and know-it-all-ish sister, now I come to think of it. Definitely not my image of the perfect girlfriend."

Ginny laughed at this last comment. It reminded her something, and she asked him quietly: "Speaking of girlfriends… how's it going with you and Cho?" It felt odd, asking Harry about his love-life, but he was a friend, and she wanted him to be happy, even though she didn't like Cho. Why, though? She decided she didn't want to think about the possible answer. She watched Harry's green-eyed gaze shift to the floor, as he muttered "Not sure…" Ginny didn't pursue the subject.

They sat for a moment in silence, Jupiter and his moons forgotten, and then Harry said: "Gin?'

"Hmm?"

"Sorry if it's a dumb question, I was just wondering… what's your full name?"

Ginny sighed, closing her eyes, and leant back into her chair. She didn't like being asked that particular question… But it was Harry, and he was usually rather subtle about private things like that. And he was now looking at her with genuine interest and some concern.

"I figured it was Virginia, you know, but… never mind that, I'll just shut up now." He finished somewhat lamely, staring at the feet of her chair.

Ginny smiled at him being so uncomfortable and patted his arm. "It's OK, Harry, I don't mind you asking." He looked up at her touch and returned her a small smile. Ginny drew a breath, before saying: " I guess Dad's got in a creative mood when they were choosing a name for me after I was born, I can't imagine any other Weasley coming up with the name "Ginevra". After all, he was the one who insisted on "Percival" and "Frederick"…" She sighed and shook her head, thinking of her Dad and his name-giving antics. Harry's voice made her snap out of the thoughts.

"I think it's a very pretty name, Gin. It sounds somewhat familiar…" Harry frowned, trying to place it, but he was spared the trouble.

"Does the name Guinevere ring a bell?" Ginny asked smilingly.

"Yeah, that's it! That's the same name, right? Only it has different forms, I remember Hermione telling something… in Celtic it sounds like Gwenwyhfar… I guess Ginevra is the Italian variation. Anyway, it's really beautiful."

Funny, Ginny thought, how Michael never asked me about my name, and we've been going out for several months , and Harry did. But that was after 3 years of knowing each other, she reminded herself. Yeah, but of these 3 years they only just started getting on normally, she reminded herself again. She shook herself mentally – too much thinking in odd directions.

"Thanks.",- she said quietly, and smiled up at Harry, whose eyes still lingered on her face. She moved in her chair, and the Astronomy book slid down to the floor. Harry made to pick it up, but she waved him off.

"There's no point, I was bored stupid reading this anyway. So, Harry, about those moons, you said you know something, or maybe I should go straight to Hermione?"

Harry raised an eyebrow: "Do you really think I'm rubbish, or you just want to get rid of me, Gin?" Ginny opened her mouth to argue, but he didn't give her time for that, pointing at the small sofa occupied by Ron and Hermione: "Plus, I think she's too busy right now to pay attention to Jupiter and its moons anyway. I'm afraid you'll have to do with my poor knowledge in this area, Dame Ginevra.".

Indeed, Harry was right – on the sofa, the heated discussion went on, but it looked like Hermione was the only speaker, she obviously tried to impress a point on Ron, gesticulating animatedly and shaking her hair out of her eyes. Ron, on the other hand, sat listening with a rather dazed look, his mouth slightly open.

Ginny, overcome with a giggling fit at the sight, punched Harry on the arm. "You're horrible, do you know that?"

Harry grinned in response, green eyes twinkling. "I take that as a 'Yes, I could do with some help, please', then. Got your quill ready? Ok, here we go – first, there's Io, and, according to Professor Sinistra, it's covered with mice…"