The banging noise in her head didn't seem to stop, as she jerked awake, disoriented and full of sleep. Groggily, she reached out to the bedside table, grabbing her watch. The digital display made out 1.17 am.
The knocking persisted and Sara realized that someone was at the door. Making sure that she read the time correctly, she then glanced anxiously towards the source of the noise.
Getting out of bed, she tiptoed across the room, and put her hand on the doorknob.
"Who is it?"
"Sara, it's me."
Upon hearing Grissom's voice, Sara immediately swung the door open, her mind already going into overdrive, as to what could have happened.
Grissom stood outside, wearing black casual trousers and a navy t-shirt. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he's not been sleeping for days.
"Can I come in?"
He raised his eyebrows in silent request, and Sara stood aside to let him in.
"Yeah... Sure."
Her voice was still thick with sleep, and she closed the door behind him, walking over to the window, as if to make sure that nobody else was there.
She turned to face Grissom, who now eyed her curiously and suddenly she felt very self-conscious in her long pyjama bottoms and a tank top. Unconsciously, she tugged on the fabric, as his eyes scanned her up and down, the dark look replaced by a one of guilt, as he realized he's woken her up.
Grissom was silent, and Sara instinctively felt that something was seriously wrong. As if him, turning up in her room, in the middle of the night wasn't a clear indication in itself.
"Grissom, what's wrong?"
She made no move towards him, afraid to shatter this moment, as she slowly began to acknowledge its importance. Grissom shrugged.
"I couldn't sleep."
She looked at him, with an incredulous look on her face.
"Greg snores." He quickly added, but she wasn't fooled. This wasn't the only reason.
Sara knew that she was about to step into a dangerous territory, but even the fear of being discovered didn't stop her from facing the enemy.
"So, why are you here?"
As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them instantly. In her mind, his presence in the room made perfect sense, yet she was suddenly overcome by a rather unsettling feeling of uncertainty.
"I was hoping..."
His answer hung in the air, as Sara held her breath.
"...that we could talk."
She saw how difficult this must have been for him. She could almost feel the anxiety in his voice, the fear of being rejected and the resignation, if that, indeed, was the case.
"Grissom, do you know what time it is?"
She tried to make her voice sound light, so that he wouldn't think that she did, in fact, mind. All of a sudden he looked unsure, as if he only just perhaps weighed the consequences of his decision.
"I'm sorry I woke you up."
His apology was sincere, yet he wasn't going to admit that his need to see her tonight was far greater than anything else he'd ever risked.
By then, Sara had regained control of the situation.
"That's okay. Sit down."
She motioned him towards the armchair, where he'd sat, after giving her a thankful smile.
"Do you want anything to drink?" she asked, ready to get him something.
Grissom shook his head and grabbed her hand, before she had the chance to move away.
"Sara... Stay, please?"
His request took her by surprise and she tried to hide the wave of mixed emotions that came over her, when he touched her hand. She squeezed it back, before releasing herself from his grasp and sitting down on the edge of the bed, facing Grissom.
He sat in the chair, his gaze never leaving hers. His expression was full of indescribable emotions and his eyes pained with the recognition of the situation that was so very new to him.
In all his life, Grissom has only ever relied on himself. He tried to live his life in a way that would never require him to let down his barriers. A way that would enable him to reach out from his carefully built sanctuary, yet make the others unable to get inside.
And it has worked for a long time. Grissom has been able to make his slow journey through life, and the need for the burden of his baggage to be shared has never really arisen. Nobody ever seemed keen enough to take on that responsibility, fearing the weight would crush them one day.
Until her.
One day, she simply walked into his life and refused to leave. Grissom has never truly appreciated the impact that Sara Sidle has made on his existence, until he realized that she was the piece missing from it.
He leaned forward in his chair and clasped his hands together, resting them on his knees. He fiddled with his fingers, whilst trying to find the right words to say to the woman, sitting in front of him.
"I don't know what to do."
As she waited for him to continue, Sara kept her distance. She couldn't allow her feelings to get into the way, not now.
"I feel... I feel I'm losing myself," he continued.
"This case... I can't seem to find the balance between what I see and what the evidence is telling me."
"What do you see?"
"I fear that..." he hung his voice again.
"I fear that I'm starting to see the line between the actual truth and my physical findings. It scares me, because there shouldn't be a line. There shouldn't be this confusion!"
He blurted out the last words and Sara was shocked at the intensity behind it.
"You don't believe that."
"It doesn't matter what I believe, Sara!"
He almost yelled, and, frustrated, got up and started pacing around the room.
"It matters to me."
Her voice was barely a whisper, yet it did have the desired affect. Grissom stopped walking and spun around to look at Sara. It wasn't so long ago, when he was the one, who uttered the same words to her.
He knew she meant what she said and his features started to relax.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."
He didn't want to outstay his welcome. Exhaling deeply, he turned to the window, as her voice caught him from behind.
"What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking that… everything's getting more difficult lately."
His honesty shocked even him.
"I try to rationalize what I see and the evidence has always been there to provide me with answers to my questions."
He stared into the distance, as his voice steadied itself and he continued.
"No matter what I believed, and no matter how many doubts I had, I always knew that the evidence would bring me peace of mind, at the end of the day."
"The evidence never lies."
Grissom smiled sadly.
"It's what I always say, isn't it?"
He paused.
"But what if... What if the evidence isn't enough?"
Sara's heart constricted with a wave of pain. Grissom was doubting his calling; he was rejecting science as his salvation.
"You don't mean that."
He abruptly turned around and walked over to the bed, where she was sitting and kneeled down in front of her. His voice was full of emotion as he took her hands in his and held her gaze, whilst trying to make her understand.
"Don't I, Sara?"
She was startled by his sudden reaction. Her heart started to beat rapidly, and it took her almost all her power to resist his closeness.
"I think you're just confused, Grissom."
He let out a small laugh.
"Damn right, I'm confused! I think I've been confused for a long time now."
He released her and stepped away to sit back in the armchair. Almost immediately, Sara missed his touch. The fierceness with which his hands clasped hers.
"Grissom, please talk to me?"
He looked at the floor, and when he finally lifted his head to face Sara, his eyes displayed something she has never seen before and it scared her.
"The evidence... gives us the picture, it gives us the means behind the crime. But it doesn't give us the reason, the explanation for the cold-blooded murder, whether it'd be loss of control or a carefully planned move. And after a while, you start to wonder. Does the picture presented to you is satisfying? Does it give you the justification for one's actions? You begin to think it's not enough..."
Sara listened to Grissom pouring out his heart to her, but couldn't yet fully understand the significance of his confession. She worried that he'd gone somewhere where she would no longer be able to reach him.
"I could never see it. All my life I took things for granted. I could understand their meaning, but I never stopped to analyse what was really underneath. I was afraid to question the things that kept me sane. I was afraid to see..."
Sara could feel her whole body freeze. She could neither make a move, nor say anything, as it dawned on her what he was talking about.
"So then you start to wonder whether you've missed it along the way. Whether there's still a chance to salvage this part of your mind? Whether the hope to regain this forgotten innocence is still there?"
Her voice was a husky whisper.
"Do you want it to be there?"
Grissom fixed his gaze upon Sara's face.
"On some level, I've always known that it was there. I just didn't allow myself to see it.
"Can you see it now?"
Instead of answering, Grissom slowly got up and moved to the bed, sitting down next to Sara. His palm found its way to her cheek, as his trembling fingers traced her soft skin.
She could feel her whole body shaking, as all of a sudden their relationship hit a new level. She couldn't move, instead revelling in the feeling of his delicate touch.
He moved both of his hands to cup her face and Sara didn't have the power to resist, nor would she want to stop. Yet there was something so unfamiliar about this moment, that in all its magnitude it scared her.
Grissom's lips were inches from her, when her own voice broke through the silence.
"Don't..."
His eyes darted to hers, shocked and hurt, but, in a way, he did understand her reaction. He shouldn't have come here. What was he thinking coming to her room in the middle of the night?
He took his hands away from her face and instinctively moved away, trying not to prolong her discomfort, but one look at her disappointed face stopped him from walking out.
"Don't start something unless you mean it." Came a whisper.
Her heart ached as she rejected him, but her fear of getting hurt again prevailed. She needed to be strong, not only for her sake, but for his, as well.
"I'm sorry, Sara."
He avoided her gaze and she could only imagine how frustrating and difficult this must have been for him. There was nothing else in the world that she wanted more than to give in to the passion that she'd been withholding for so long.
But Sara wanted it to happen for the right reasons. Comfort and understanding had been one thing, but the promise of a future and lifetime commitment had been another.
When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet, yet firm in its conviction.
"Grissom… I don't want this… to be something of a momentary lapse. Something that you're gonna regret tomorrow. I can't…"
Her voice started to waver.
"I can't offer you the comfort of a moment, because… It can never only be a moment!"
Unshed tears shone in her eyes, but Sara didn't turn away. If Grissom was going to be honest about his feelings, then so was she.
"You misunderstood me, Sara."
"Did I?"
He rubbed his eyes and bit his lip, before continuing.
"When Nick was kidnapped…" he started and Sara could feel her body tense.
"We all know that our job carries some big risks. It's entirely possible that we can wake up one day, but never make it home. And despite all our knowledge and experience, we can never know what's waiting for us around the corner.
And when we were searching for Nick, I realized the futility of our efforts. We could have… We could have not made it in time."
Sara was startled by his revelations. Grissom has never opened up to her like this.
"I've come to realize that I've been lying to myself. I've refused to take chances because I thought that the logical explanations were enough. I never questioned why."
"What do you mean?"
"Why I have chosen to ignore what I've always known."
Grissom looked into Sara's eyes, his gaze full of dark passion and desire.
"It's because it's made me safe. As long as I didn't confront it, I was safe in the knowledge that I didn't have to reach out and risk my feelings."
"What's changed?"
Grissom hesitated and she could sense his reluctance. But there was no going back now. He needed to overcome his fear, if he was to make Sara understand what he meant.
"I know what I want now."
"Do you?"
"Yes." Came his reply. "I do."
With those words, Grissom bridged the distance separating him from Sara and once again found himself holding her face. He stroked her cheek, his fingers travelling up and down her soft skin, finally stopping on her lips.
He gazed in her eyes, seeking some sort of sign from her that would tell him to stop, to prevent a moment of enormous meaning from happening. But Sara was silent. She surrendered to his touch, as she moved her hands to his neck and drew him closer to her.
"I do, too."
Sara only managed to whisper against his breath, before their lips met in a tender kiss. It started as a delicate brush, almost tentative in its exploration of the new realms. Sara closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of the kiss slowly filling her with affection and love. It wasn't just a kiss, it was a promise of things to come.
Grissom continued to gently nibble on her hungry mouth, as with each second, the kisses became more passionate, years of longing seeking the long-awaited release.
Sara whimpered against him and he pulled her closer to him, wanting to preserve this moment in his mind forever. He nuzzled her nose with his, before they reluctantly broke the kiss, and Sara rested her forehead against his.
She continued to rest her hands on the back of his neck, where she gently traced her fingers on his warm skin. He was still holding her face, his palms rubbing her bare arms, their shallow breaths mixing with each other's.
Neither of them dared to say a word, afraid of saying the wrong thing. Finally, Grissom let his hands slid behind Sara's back, enveloping her in his warm embrace. She responded, holding him close, her face buried in his neck.
Her emotions, which she'd been carefully trying to keep in check, floated to the surface and she was overwhelmed by their intensity. She wrapped her arms around Grissom even tighter, as he rested his chin on her head, his confusion and worries fading away, as he suddenly found the peace he's been looking for.
They had stayed like this for several minutes, drawing strength and comfort from each other. It was, as if all of a sudden, all the questions and nagging doubts have disappeared, leaving a clear way to understanding what was happening.
They finally released each other, still sitting in the same positions, both of them unsure of what to do next.
Grissom spoke first.
"I think I should go."
He somehow figured that he needed to say that. Despite the fact that he had just knocked down his walls and let Sara in, he was still confused whether it has changed anything. He wanted things to change.
"Don't go. Stay with me."
Sara was tired of games. For once in her life, she wanted to put herself first. Her needs did matter and she wanted him.
"Sara, I don't know..."
"Grissom, please stay. Just hold me."
Her almost heart-wrenching look didn't have to convince him. He wanted to stay, she needn't have to ask. The imminent consequences would have to be faced very soon, but at this moment he simply didn't care.
Seeing his hesitation, Sara climbed back on the bed, holding his gaze, but not daring to say another word. He had to make the decision.
Grissom turned to face her, and for a second, unrecognisable look flashed in his eyes. She held out her hand and he took it, letting Sara look after him. He settled down next to her, raising his arm to caress hers, as they laid there, facing each other in comfortable silence.
Sara closed her eyes, letting Grissom's closeness lull her to sleep. Him, laying next to her made perfect sense, as she allowed herself to make her feelings known.
Grissom listened to Sara's regular breathing, his own demons taking a backstage, as he blocked all the imminent repercussions from his mind.
Was it a moment of weakness? A momentary lapse? Grissom knew he'd made a big step tonight, and only the day would judge his actions in its bold clarity.
Sara had fallen asleep, and he watched her, until her calm and almost serene look made him drift off, too.
The day would come soon, and it would never be the same again.