8
The Snitch
Harrmoieny Wot-Not was a girl; at least she thought she was she hadn't had time to check that morning, of about eleven or so. She had the required two parents, both dead. They died in a freak dentistry accident involving a plaque remover and a water nozzle gone berserk. She was rather small and skinny (as she had yet to grow up) with messy hair (as it had yet to be brushed). She had black hair and large brown walnut shaped eyes and a lightening tattoo on her forehead that her parents had got her when she was a year old, shortly before their accident.
One morning she got up, as she was prone to doing in the morning, and found an envelope that had been written in slimy green ink on her pillow.
To Harrmoieny Wot-Not Number Six Privy Dance
"I have a secret admirer."
Second Floor
"Who is spying on me?"
The Untidiest Bedroom
"Very Accurate."
Who is lying on her stomach in an unmade bed, with a piece of toast in one hand this envelope in another and a glass of water balanced precariously on the headboard. Don't spill anything on this!
"I have a stalker." Harrmoieny said as some water spilled from her glass onto the envelope, smudging the ink. She could still make out the next word though-
Twit!
"How rude!"
What are you waiting for? Open it now Dimwit!
Not wanting to appear rude after being given so obvious an order she opened the envelope quickly and two more letters written in slimy green ink fell out. The first read thus.
To Miss Harrmoieny Wot-Not
We are pleased to inform you that you have been cordially invited to study and be studied at Pigsnouts School for magic and mysteriously strange goings on. We will require your owl or some other such fowl response by July Thirty First. Term starts on September First. Ta.
Professor Inebriatea McBrandy, Deputy Headmistress, professor of transmogrification, and all around old crank.
Harrmoieny rushed to her closet and pulled out Earwig, Her loyal, if somewhat surly, pet owl that she kept for just such occasions. She wrote a quick response.
"Goody! I'm going to learn magic and stuff." Harrmoieny said as she tied the letter to Earwigs leg and tossed the bird unceremoniously out the window. She watched as Earwig flew away, hooting angrily. She then went downstairs to join the doodles, her adopted family, for breakfast.
The Doodles were related to her on her mother's side. Aunt Priggish was her mother's sister and Uncle Fern was related only through marriage, something he was very quick to point out. There was of course her cousin Dumpty but he had mysteriously been turned into a pig over a couple of weeks ago. This had caused many dark looks and mutterings from the hospital staff in the emergency ward. Imagine allowing one of your offspring to turn himself into a pig.
"Morning all, my but Dumpty is looking better this morning."
"Yes well we're taking him into a specialist on September the first and if he can't do anything he'll miss going to Smellys this year." Dumpty said nothing, as he was too busy eating like a pig. Harrmoieny saw that she was supposed to be on the greyhound bus by 11 o'clock that day so she asked if she could get a ride.
"Sure. The sooner you're gone the better."
Harrmoieny saw on her list of school supplies that she could get them all at metronome alley. She walked there by herself much to the chagrin of her aunt and uncle as she had a tendency to trip over people, things, herself.
She got her brewing things first, then paper and writing supplies. When that was done she went a dingy little store that was having a back to school sale to get her wand. She had no idea what it was made of though as the contents label had been ripped off.
After that she went to a store called Read and Spell to get her texts. They included;
"The Big Book of Bibbedy-Bobbidy-Boo" By Faery G. Mother
"Protecting Yourself from Scary Things" By C. Lion
"Brewing Up a Storm" By Dr. Frank N. Stein
"Boring Stuff That Happened." By DR. Frostbite
"Shape shifting Made Easy" By I.M. Mystique
"Where the Wild Things Are and How to Avoid Them" By Scared E. Cat
"The Dark Force; A Step By Step Guide for Beginners" By D. Vader, Foreword by D. Maul
"Things That Go Bump in the Night" By Mr. S. Rogers and Mr. S. Doo
"Yes I Can-can and so can you: elementary dance techniques" By Elvira Mistress of the dark
"Man this is one weird school." Harrmoieny thought as she looked at the books she had just bought. She then went home to wait for school to start.
On September the first Harrmoieny Wot-Not dragged her trunk around the greyhound bus depot looking for departure gate 6 7/8 until she came across a rather strange family all with red/blonde hair. The Mother, at least Harrmoieny thought that it was the mother, was in the lead and she shouted loud enough to startle several passers by, "Remember to run at the mirror in ones and twos only so that the bungles won't get suspicious."
"If you shout at us to run at a mirror loudly they'll get suspicious anyway."
"Oh, right, silly me."
Harrmoieny saw them go into a men's room and as she had nothing better to do she followed.
"Oh hello dear," said the red faced woman to Harrmoieny when she caught sight of her "are you going to Pigsnouts too?"
"Yes"
"Do you know how to get to the bus?" She asked as she valiantly tried to uncross her eyes.
"Yes I heard." Harrmoieny replied as the oldest boy slipped on the linoleum and went crashing through the mirror headfirst.
"Ooh that's got to hurt." The youngest boy said as the next two boys followed suit.
Harrmoieny, tired of watching, went through next. As she came out the other side of the portal she saw seven buses all fire engine red. They were labelled 1st year, 2nd year all the way up to 7th year. As she had never been to Pigsnouts before she assumed that she was on the 1st year bus. So she stowed her stuff and got on. After she got on the youngest boy from the strange family sat down beside her. She immediately felt an intense emotion of either dislike or attraction. That was when she knew that she would either wind up killing him or marrying him. "Same thing when you think about it. Either way your circulation stops." She thought.
"I'm R. Drano Rat-Bastard."
"I'm Harrmoieny Wot-not. What's the R stand for?"
His nose flushed bright red as he replied "Runty"
"Runty?"
"My parents were drunk on-er- happiness when they named me. I got off lucky though. My brothers are Hospital Bill, Charlie Horse, Pursie, Frud and Gorge. And my sister's name is Gin'n'Tonic."
"Oy Vey"
"I'll say."
They rode the rest of the way to Pigsnouts making polite conversation. When they got there they were instructed to leave their things on the bus, as it would be brought in for them. They were then greeted by what appeared to be a gigantic talking carpet that introduced himself as Rubin Haggis. When someone asked him what he did he chuckled and replied, "I look after the gardens and lawns. I am also in charge of dropping tantalising hints that shouldn't be dropped. I also divulge secret information that no one should know about. For instance did you know that Professor Superfluous Snapped wears women's thong underwear because it makes him feel fresh?"
There was a collective giggle from everyone even though no one knew who Superfluous Snapped was or what he taught.
"So you can see why Headmaster Fumbleknob trusts me with your safety. Now everyone get on the ferry and don't mind if it leaks a little, it's been doing that for years and hasn't sunk yet."
When they got to the entrance hall, thoroughly soaked, they were greeted by Professor McBrandy, a tall lady with her hair done up in an untidy bun and a slight tilt to her walk. "When you go into the Great hall," she began, of course everyone knew that the great hall was named because students, after a long trip, felt that any room with a lot of food in it was pretty great, "you'll be sat on a milking stool, one at a time, and be forced to wear a tattered old hat that will tell you what you're sentence-er- house will be. They are Griddlecake, Candy Puff, Raven Soup, and Steak Sandwich. Unfortunately when the founders named the houses they confused the house names with the menu."
So they went in and got sorted. Runty was with his brothers in Griddlecake as was Harrmoieny. When she sat down and looked up at the staff table she saw a teacher with a large nose, a sour expression and a hairnet. He glared at her. Then he turned and glared at someone else, and then he glared at the ceiling.
"Pursie, who is that," Harrmoieny asked Runty's older brother, Pursie, who had been admiring his reflection in a spoon.
"Who, the teacher wearing the snape hairnet, that's Professor Superfluous Snapped. He looks extraordinarily ticked tonight. I wonder why?" He said then returned to the spoon.
"Rubin Haggis told us that he wears women's thong underwear." Harrmoieny remembered.
"That would do it, although I don't know why he'd care. I mean he teaches wearing a dress why should it matter if people know what else he wears. It's not like it's possible to think any less of him." He continued in that vein for a while but Harrmoieny stopped paying attention to him. Instead she looked up at the staff trough and saw the Headmaster. The sight of Headmaster Fumbleknob mesmerized her. He was an ancient man with flowing silver hair and a long silver beard who seemed to radiate energy, and as Harrmoieny watched he energetically fell asleep face down in his chocolate pudding. Professor McBrandy lifted his head gently by tenderly yanking on the beard and stole his pudding. She then lovingly deposited his head onto a plate of doughnuts. Once that was done she poured something from a flask into the pudding and then drank it.
The next day they started their classes with Defence against Scary Things. Their teacher was Professor Reginald A. Qullom. He bounded into the room very wolf like in shabby yet strangely magnificent clothes and said with a vapid yet sinister smile
"Morning I am Professor Qullom. This year I plan to be possessed by a very evil warlock, perhaps get bitten by a werewolf, and then later on I'll abduct myself and spend the majority of the year impersonating myself. If I have sufficient time I'll have a sex change and start actively trying to sabotage the Headmaster. If time permits I'll start taking credit for other people's achievements. I then plan to finish off the year by exposing my treachery, losing my memory and then dieing painfully. As an aside I should point out that I have been a spy and I have a vested interest in betraying the headmaster to the next great evil person to come along." He finished and the class waited for him to tell them what they were going to be taught, but when he didn't continue Harrmoieny raised her hand.
"Yes Miss Wot-Not?"
"What are your lesson plans?"
"Weren't you listening? I'm going to be far too busy this year to teach anyone."
'But what are we supposed to do?" Harrmoieny was beginning to feel lost.
"I suppose that you could always read the text." Qullom said as he scratched his ear with his foot.
Their next class was Transmogrification with Professor McBrandy.
"Today," she said as she tipsily walked around the classroom, her bun on the left side of her head "we will be transforming water into fortified wine," She hiccupped then continued "you will put the water into the bottle that has been placed in front of you and then you will hand it in to me for –er- grading. As I am very thorough in my 'grading' do not expect any of it back. Points will be awarded on strength of flavour, alcoholic content, and length of buzz. You may begin." Harrmoieny managed to create a strawberry wine that was so strong the fumes threatened to melt her eyebrows off. When Professor McBrandy had gotten to hers she had practically cried with happiness and had awarded Griddlecake 200 marks. After they had finished that class they had Brewing with Professor Superfluous Snapped.
He swirled into the room looking very much like Morticia Adams as he was wearing a very similar dress. The fact that his makeup looked as though a psychotic circus clown had applied it did not help. He started to prowl around the room, pausing every once in a while, as the heels of his stilettos would get caught in the cracks of the dungeon floor.
"Today is the first day of the rest of your lives kiddies," he said as he narrowly avoided colliding with a chair as he stopped himself from falling. "I am your worst nightmare." he continued to spout out threatening yet over used clichés for the rest of the class.
Then they had fortune telling with Professor Familiar Tripelady. The first thing she did when everyone sat down was to shriek loudly; "you're all going to die!" she then dissolved into hysterical laughter. They spent the rest of the lesson practising menacing looks and maniacal laughter until the bell signalled that it was time for dinner.
Harrmoieny was grateful to get away from the classrooms as she was beginning to think that all of her teachers were escaped mental patients. That was when she noticed that there were several spectacled wraiths that were dressed verymuch like Professor Snapped
"Runty, what are those things?"
"They're dementeds."
"And that makes them different from everyone else at this school how?"
"Not demented, Dementeds. They are very nasty creatures; they suck all the fun out of a room."
"How do they manage that?"
"They do it by making people watch those boring documentaries about the life of earthworms."
"How vile… Why are they here?"
"They want fashion tips from Superfluous Snapped. Also there's some really bad guy on the loose who killed you're parents."
"My parents died in a freak dentistry accident."
"That would be because he made the plaque remover and water nozzle go berserk."
"Oh. Well that wasn't very nice of him."
"They think that he's going to try to kill you too."
"Oh well can't live forever I suppose."
"They say that he's also sworn to suck all the fillings from your doughnuts and steal you're my little pony collection."
"He'll do it over my dead body!" Harrmoieny shouted as Runty gave a nasty laugh.
"Why are you laughing?"
"I'm sorry; it's just that I have a split personality. Sometimes I'm nice Runty and sometimes I'm mean Drano."
That afternoon they had history with Professor Binndere Dondat. He was a ghost. The fact that he was a ghost didn't surprise everyone else as much as it surprised him. When he was alive he adamantly refused to believe in ghosts and now that he was one he couldn't believe in himself. As teachers who uniformly had the ability to suck all the interest out of any subject had always taught history, the novelty of being taught by a ghost soon wore off and everyone was soon staring off into space except for Harrmoieny. As she tended to be a tad boring herself she was immune to the boredom that was pervading the room.
They then had Planting Strange and Unusual Plants with their planting teacher Professor Legume Brusselsprout. She was a short person with what many would call flyaway hair, as it had a tendency to flyaway in a stiff breeze. She started out the day by showing them all the proper method to re-pot hemp plants and would have started on the magical mushrooms except that they were interrupted by Professor McBrandy who had obviously just completed a rather satisfying session of 'grading'.
The last lesson was Care of Dangerous and Scary Creatures with Rubin Haggis. He made them look at a particularly ugly creature called a Donkey/Bird Screw Up named Norbeak. It had the head legs and wings of a vulture, the rear end of a donkey as well as a stinger where the tail should be, a sucker on the belly and a large amount of fire coming from its mouth. The first thing Haggis did was ask for volunteers to pet the wretched thing, but when no one came forward he grabbed Runty and threw him into the extremely well fortified holding pen with the creature. The first thing the Screw Up did was to viciously grab Runty by the back of the neck and shake him vigorously.
"Look at him, he's playing," Haggis looked delighted. Then Runty began screaming when the thing took a chunk out of his arm. "Ooh he really likes you Runty." He said ecstatically.
"Yeah, it likes me as lunch, get me the hell out of this cage you nitwit!"
Haggis looked very upset and dragged him out of the cage.
"If you talk to me like that you're not going to be allowed to see Norbeak no more."
"I'm crushed." Runty deadpanned then proceeded up to the hospital wing where Madam Pompous looked after his wounds. After that it was time for supper and once more Fumbleknob energetically fell asleep in his food and once more his food was stolen and fortified by Professor McBrandy.
As Harrmoieny lay awake that night she began praying to live through the school year when there was a knock at the door. Curious Harrmoieny got up and asked who it was.
"It's the school florist and I have something for a Miss Harrmoieny Wot-Not."
"I don't remember there being any florists." Harrmoieny thought as she opened the door. There stood a man with pale white skin tangled hair and a really badly botched nose job.
"I'm Seriously Cracked, also known as Lord Drunkardmort, and I am here to kill you and your little rat too." He said as he leaped theatrically into the room.
"Would it be too much trouble for me to inquire as to why?" Harrmoieny asked as she pulled out a chair for her guest.
"Surely not," he said as he sat down "You see your parents and I used to be good friends until they named me your legal guardian should anything happen to them. We had a disagreement, I did not want to be a father to my own kids much less theirs, and I left. Next thing I know the idiots off themselves in a freak accident and I'm stuck with you. Naturally I did what anyone in my position would do, I confessed to the crime and got myself locked away so I'd never have to see you again. Then they decide that the best punishment for me would be for me to look after you. Naturally the only way to stop that is to kill you and go back to my nice comfy cell." He then paused to sip the tea that Harrmoieny had provided for him.
"And what do you have against my rat Scabies?"
"That isn't a rat. It's a guy named Petty Petergrew. We went to school with your mom and dad and he was forever playing practical jokes on me. When he heard me adamantly refuse to look after you if your parents were to die he naturally decided that the ultimate practical joke would be for me to wind up having to. So he made the plaque remover and water nozzles go wacky and kill your parents." After he finished talking Scabies the rat turned into a plump little man wearing a lovely pink top.
"I gotta admit though the look on your face when you found out that you had to look after her was worth it." With that Lord Drunkardmort killed Petty Petergrew and then turned on Harrmoieny.
"You know you don't have to kill me. I'll just tell them that I don't want you to look after me and that it was Petty who'd killed my parents and that you killed Petty. I get to stay with the Doodles and you get to go back to your cell. Everyone wins."
"Hey, that's a good idea."
Seriously Cracked then sat down beside Harrmoieny and they waited for the appropriate authority figures to swoop in. When they heard the tale they decided that it was for the best if Seriously went back to jail.
"By the way, why do you call yourself Lord Drunkardmort?"
"It's my old college frat name. See ya." With that he was gone and Harrmoieny felt that next year she should enrol in a different school.
The End