What I really meant To Say - Remus

One shot, songfic, Remus's side (Sirius's soon to come, what was going through his mind as he fought, and fell through the veil.) What Remus really wanted to say to Sirius, and the things he never will. Lyrics in Italics. This is a two parter, when there is a chapter two that means Sirius's side is up.

It took me by surprise, when I saw you standing there, close enough to touch, breathing the same air…

Remus watched as the love of his life Sirius Black feel through a veil he could never return from. "No," he whispered as he watched him fall, his eyes burning from the tears beckoning to come forward.

You asked me how I'd been, I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine…oh but baby I was dying…

Remus held Harry back and he screamed for his godfather. Remus's heart broke in two; no one would ever be able to fill that void, in him or Harry. "He's gone, there's nothing you can do." Of course there was nothing, but on the inside Remus wanted to run after his lover, there was so much he really meant to tell him all these years.

What I really meant to say, is I'm dying here inside, and I miss you more each day, there's not a night I haven't cried, and baby here's the truth, I'm still in love with you, yea, that's what I really meant to say.

Remus woke himself screaming Sirius's name and shot up in bed, another night of this horrible dream replaying its self, no matter how hard Remus tried, he couldn't escape Sirius, he was all around him. Remus walked into the living area and picked up a picture of Sirius and he when they had gotten engaged, they never got married… they would have been by this time, but life doesn't always go as planned. "I LOVED YOU DAMNIT!" Remus fell to his knees and started to cry, "I loved you and you left me. I'll always love you Sirius Black, and you'll never know how much pain I'm in." Remus bowed his head.

As you walked away, the echo of my words, cut just like a knife, cut so deep it hurt…

There was really no reason to be mad at Sirius, and Remus really wasn't, it was just easier to yell at him then to face the truth, he wasn't mad at Sirius, his Padfoot wasn't going to walk back in the door any minute, he was gone.

I held back the tears, held on to my pride and watched you go, I wonder if you'll ever know…

Remus thought back, Sirius was holding him, they were in bed, he was whispering his sweet nothings, he always did that just to see Remus smile that naughty smile. Remus shook his head at this thought; he could literally smell Sirius right there. This was not how he planned it, none of the marauders should be dead, he shouldn't be the only one left, why did this have to happen, and it wasn't fair.

What I really meant to say, is I'm dying here inside, and I miss you more each day, there's not a night I haven't cried, and baby here's the truth, I'm still in love with you. What I really meant to say is I'm really not that strong, no matter how I try I'm still holding on…

Remus was a wonderful example to Harry, he was strong, diligent, loving, and he never let Harry know how bad he was truly hurting. The love of his life, dead, in his prime. Remus thought back to the night James and Lily died, "Remus," Sirius said, "its okay to cry, let me be the strong one for once, let your guard down." Sirius kissed him as he let the tears flow silently on his shoulders, Sirius was the only one who knew how weak Remus really was. Of course Lily and James had effected him, and he ended up leaving and doing something incredibly stupid that landed him away from his moony for thirteen years, but he also died not that long after, leaving his Moony all alone again…

And here's the honest truth, I'm still in love with you, yea, that's what I really meant to say….that's what I really meant to say… That's what I really meant to say…

There would never be another man Remus loved more than Sirius Black, and he was gone. "That's what I really wanted to tell you" Remus said to the picture, "I love you so much, and it kills me so much every day to know you're never coming back to me." Remus laid back down as his heart broke for the millionth time.

A/N please, please review, plus remember me, im working on a SB/RL fic right now and it should be out soon.