Chapter Two: Can Metal Leaves Flutter?

While Frodo and Sam battled with evil Thingums and horrible body odor, Merry and Pippin were being taken across Horseyland by an army of Super Sporks.

The Super Sporks were mean and nasty and liked to gnaw on pieces of human flesh. They also carried rusty weapons, and being cut with a rusty weapon can cause blood poisoning! Gasp!

Merry happened to be unconscious, as he was hit on the head very hard. He would survive though, because that was not the only time in his life that he had been hit in the head. A long time ago, when he was very young, his parents dropped him and his head struck the floor. He was never the same again.

Pippin was uninjured and wide awake, which meant that he had to be subjected to the ugliness of the Super Sporks.

Not all of the Sporks were Super Sporks. Some of them were Wimpy Sporks and northerners who served Sauron. One of these was Grishnakh, and he was the ugliest Spork of them all.

"Can I go stab the Magical Hobs with my incredibly rusty and equally lethal knife?" he pleaded.

"No," said the Chief Super Spork.

"Please?"

"No! We have to keep them alive so that Skittleman the Many Colored can get the tater and use it for his own dark and sinister purposes."

Grishnakh was not a follower of Skittleman and thought this was a stupid idea. "Skittleman can't do anything! He's just a stupid wizard who lives in a pathetic little tree-house!"

"Hey, he's planning on building a tower someday! He just can't afford the materials right now. That's why he needs the tater, so that he can control the universe and make everybody pay him taxes!"

"Is that really part of his plan?"

The Chief Super Spork nodded. "And then after that, he's going to evolve a race of horrible creatures made of cheese!"

"Cheese? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of."

"I agree!" shouted a Spork. "So do I!" various others shouted.

"Well we think it's a ingenious idea!" yelled several Super Sporks. Soon, they all became engaged in a terrible argument, in which there was a lot of head chopping and loss of limbs.

Pippin watched the entire thing and thought that it was extremely stupid to be fighting and killing over something so ridiculous.

The vicious stabbing and chopping eventually died down, and the Chief Super Sporks said, "Okay everybody! Get a move on!"

Pippin and Merry were picked up and the Super Sporks went on their way. Pippin was forced to listen to the Super Sporks' annoying, meaningless chatter.

"Aragorn!" one of them shouted. "Haha, I had a random outburst!"

"Aragorn?" said Pippin.

"Yes!"

"Where?" Pippin asked.

"There!"

"There?"

"Yep, over there somewhere. Filthy Ranger must have caught our scent!"

One of the other Super Sporks, out of boredom, was attempting to sing. "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of... Isengard!"

"You're singing off-key," Pippin pointed out.

"What do you know, you stupid Magical Hob?" the Super Spork snarled. "Be quiet shorty, and no more talking from you!"

"But I like talking!" Pippin protested.

"Well I don't! And if you don't be quiet, I'll rip you limb from limb and eat you!"

"But you're not supposed to harm us!" said Pippin, grinning.

The Super Spork made a rude gesture. "Darn it!"

After a while, Pippin noticed that Merry had not yet revived. He poked the Super Spork that was carrying him. "Hey, can you help my friend? He's mortally wounded and he'll die if you don't help him within five minutes." He was exaggerating, but those idiot Super Sporks would believe anything.

"He looks fine to me," said the Super Spork that was carrying Merry.

"Yeah, but if you don't heal him, he might throw up on you or something," Pippin said.

"Crud, I don't want that to happen! Quick, somebody get that reviving stuff!" The Super Spork set Merry down and forced some strange, possibly lethal concoction down his throat. The medicine was so strong that it actually caused Merry to vomit all over the Super Spork.

The Super Spork screamed out a long string of incredibly naughty words. Once he calmed down, he shoved Merry at another Super Spork and ran off by himself.

Merry grinned. "I've always wanted to do that."

Pippin then decided that he greatly disliked the annoying little brooch that was fastened to his cloak. He ripped it off, let go, and it fluttered to the ground.

"Hey," said a Super Spork, "how can it flutter to the ground if it's made of metal and stuff? Oh well!" And he continued running with everyone else.