Harry Potter gave a small smile and sat up from his bed in the cupboard under the stairs. He had been offered the second bed upstairs, but had politely declined, knowing that it would be much more dramatic if he slept under the stairs. More tragic, he thought.
So, picking up broken glasses and placing them on his face, he looked around at the spider ridden room. He watched slowly as one of the small bugs crawled towards him.
"Hello, little fellow," Harry said. It was an odd looking spider. It looked almost…radioactive. So, leaning over a bit, he peered at it anxiously. "You're rather odd looking, aren't you?" he asked it. It said nothing, to which he was grateful. He wasn't ready for talking spiders quite yet. The small spider scuttled towards his hand, and Harry didn't protest as it crawled onto his skin and prepared to bite him. Suddenly, however, there was a horrible knocking on the door, and a skinny boy with glasses much like Harry's barged in. He was scowling, and shaking his head. He quickly snatched up the spider.
"Come on, you can't have two plots!" the boy said. He was around seventeen or eighteen, perhaps. Harry was quite nonplussed, and stared in shock.
"What are you on about?" he asked, bewildered. The boy rolled his eyes.
"Come on. You're a geeky kid, I'm a geeky kid. One of has to be Spider Man, and the other has to be Harry Potter!" the boy said. "And since you're already in this house, you have to be Harry Potter!"
"Wait a second," Harry said. "I'd rather have the Spider Man plot. It ends better!"
"How do you know?" the boy asked, presumably Spider Man. "The Harry Potter Series hasn't even ended yet!"
"Well, come on, we all know I'm going to die," Harry said, putting his hands on his hips. The other boy gave a cat-like grin.
"Maybe. But I'm not going to take any chances, that's why-OUCH!" he yelled, dropping the spider he'd been holding onto. He gave a laugh, looking at a spider bite he'd received. "Ha! Now I'm Spider Man!"
"No fair!" Harry said, standing up and hitting the top of his head on the low ceiling. Spider Man gave a shrug.
"Tough luck, kiddo. But now you've got your life all figured out, I suggest you start it, the readers are bound to be getting bored."
"Yeah, they're probably confused too," Harry said, shaking his head. "This damn writer doesn't know what the hell she's doing."
"We've all got our problems," Spider Man said, starting to leave. "See you around. And remember, 'With great power comes great responsibility.'"
"Uh…right," Harry said. "Bye." And without another word, Spider Man left, sporting a spider bite, and looking as nerdy as ever. Harry Potter left his room, now irreversibly stuck with this particularly gruesome part in the story of his life, and rather depressed about it. He walked down the spotless hallway, which was always kept clean by Aunt Petunia, and into the kitchen, where his family sat at the kitchen table. Aunt Petunia looked rather like a horse, with a long neck and teeth much too large for her face. Her small eyes darted around, passing butter and ketchup, and then going back to her plate of eggs and bacon. Uncle Vernon sat beside her, and he resembled a walrus. Hiss large mustache and lack of neck made him more than a little over-whelming. Sitting next to Vernon, was a large round beach ball.
Next to the beach ball was Harry's cousin, Dudley. Dudley was a smaller version of his father, and Harry's least favorite member of the family. He was the reason for Harry's broken glasses and skinny physique. Dudley ate everything in sight, and was right now in the process of sizing up the table, wondering if it might taste good with salt.
"Morning all," Harry said. The Dursley's ignored him, as ever, as they were all enthralled with breakfast. Harry didn't mind, however. He did notice a large pile of brightly colored packages lying on a table next to the counter. It was then that he remembered. Today was Dudley's birthday.
"I want to open my presents NOW!" Dudley screamed, and immediately Aunt Petunia jumped to do as he wished. In seconds presents were piled on the table, and Dudley began counting the presents. He came up with a sum Harry knew to be incorrect, and whined about it until his family decided to buy him extra presents later. Over breakfast, Harry gathered that Dudley was to be taking Piers Polkiss to the zoo with him, and they would spend the day there, as a birthday treat for Dudley.
"What should we do with the boy?" Vernon asked, gesturing at Harry.
"Well, we can't leave him here, or he might find my stash of wands and magical spellbooks and realize that I'm really just a witch," Petunia said stiffly. Everybody froze and stared at her. "I mean my cleaning supplies…."
"Right…" Vernon said, frowning. "Well, the fact is, we can't leave him alone. How about we leave him at that friend of yours?"
"Actually, she just so happens to be conveniently out of town," Petunia said, sipping at her tea. Harry's hopes rose.
"He has to go with us!" Dudley wailed. But just then the doorbell rang. Piers Polkiss came in. He was a smarmy looking fellow, and Harry dropped hating eyes upon the boy.
The next thing they knew, Harry, Dudley, and Piers were in the back of the car on the way to the zoo. Harry couldn't have been more pleased, as he'd never been before.
"Hey everybody!" Harry said, randomly out of nowhere. "I had a dream about motorcycles last night!"
"MOTORCYLCES!" Vernon roared. " I LOVE motorcycles!"
"Really?" Harry asked hopefully.
"No, you're grounded for a week," Vernon hissed. "Here we are. Alright, we're not going to look at anything else, because Dudley wants to look at the snakes and there's nothing funny about any of the other animals."
"What do you mean?" Petunia asked.
"Well, this is a humor fic, is it not?" Vernon asked heatedly.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy ourselves," she sniffed. "Besides, it's not all that funny."
The five of them walked into the reptile house, however, despite Aunt Petunia's workds, where they had snakes of all sizes. Ones that we're smaller than Harry's hand, and ones that were larger than Uncle Vernon's car. Harry decided to walk straight to the talkative one, and stood in front of the glass.
"Hey there," he said. "I know you can't understand me, but just on the off chance that you can, and just in case I'm speaking another language, go ahead and say something."
"Hi," hissed the snake. "What's up?"
"Not much," Harry said awkwardly. "What are you?"
"Well, I'm foreshadowing for the second book, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends!" the snake said.
"Sounds cool," Harry said. "So where are you from?" The snake pointed his tail at a little sign posted on the glass. "Whoa, I've never been to, 'Do Not Lean On Glass,' before. Is it nice?" Again the snake pointed at a sign below it. 'This specimen was bred in the zoo.' "That's a shame."
"Yeah," the snake said with a sigh. "Uh-oh, here comes a big fat kid."
"Yeah, that's my cousin," Harry said, and was knocked to the ground as the big fat kid came and elbowed him hard in the ribs. His glasses went askew, but he heard a scream, and put them back on just in time to see Dudley being wrapped tightly by the large snake. "Dudley! Run!" Harry screamed.
"His legs are caught by that snake!" Piers said pointedly.
"That doesn't mean he can't hear!" Harry said exasperatedly. "RUN!" he yelled again.
"Oh my! The glass just vanished!" said a breathless woman from behind them. Then she gave a scream and ran, however, as the snake finally gave up on Dudley, and began to slither through the snake exhibit.
As it passed Harry, he could have sworn it whispered, "Do Not Lean On Glass, here I come!" before leaving.
"Dudley! My Diddykins!" Petunia gasped as she came running forward. Vernon was puffing behind her.
"Are you alright, son?" he asked, heaving Dudley out of the snake tank. Dudley was shivering and whining like a frozen pig. "Come on, we're going to complain to somebody!"
"You should complain to Harry," Piers said. "He was the one talking to the snake. I heard him!"
"Nuh-uh!" Harry said, before leaning over to a snake in another take and whispering, "play along."
"See!" Piers said. Vernon sighed. "I'll deal with you later!" he hissed, and led them all towards the main lobby.
As they walked along, Harry thought furiously. What had just happened? Could he really talk to snakes? And how had that glass completely vanished? Did he do that? Or was he just going insane? Why was he asking all these questions? Was he actually expecting the readers to answer it for him? And how on earth was he going to end this chapter?
This last question troubled him most, and he donned a thinking position. How to end the chapter…how to end the chapter…. Well, conclusions are normally supposed to be shocking and awe-inspiring. Maybe if he just thought about it ending, he wouldn't really even have to do anything special. If he just focused on an end it wou
A/N: Yeah, this chapter was probably pretty boring, but I was sort of lost for ideas for the second chapter. Nothing really stuck out at me as a funny idea, so I really didn't know what to do with it, except to get through it so that I can get to chapter three and try and spice that one up. So yeah, leave a review saying how much you utterly adore it or absolutely hate it. Ta.