Chapter Five: Into the Long Named Forest

The army of Super Sporks had been running for hours and hours, and finally decided to take a rest. Merry and Pippin were flung on the ground, where everybody decided to ignored them.

"I'm tired," whined a Super Spork.

"Nice to meet you, Tired! I'm Grishnakh!" said the Spork named Grishnakh. "I like to stab things with my incredibly rusty knife!"

"No one cares!" said the Chief Super Spork. "I'm hungry."

"I'm hungry too," whined another Super Spork. He looked at the Super Spork sitting beside him. "You look rather appetizing, you know."

The other Super Spork edged away. "I don't want to know where this is leading."

"Of course you do." The first Super Spork leaned over and took a bite out of the other's shoulder.

"OOOOOWWWWW! MY SHOULDER! HE BIT MY SHOULDER! HE BIT MY-" Suddenly, a crowd of Super Sporks swarmed around him, and soon he was devoured.

"Well that was definitely the most disturbing thing I've ever witnessed in my whole entire life," Pippin commented.

"Yeah, even more disturbing than seeing Elrond in the bathtub," said Merry, shuddering at the memory.

"Merry, when did you see Elrond in the bathtub?"

"I was wandering around, searching for Frodo, and I happened to open a door. And inside was Elrond, and-" Merry was unable to continue, as the memory was just too horrible.

Pippin cringed. "I know what you're going to say. How disturbing."

"It left me scarred for life!"Merry covered his eyes, trying to banish images of Elrond without anything on.

The Super Sporks completely ignored Merry and Pippin, and continued to viciously eat each other. This gave the Magical Hobs an opportunity.

"Hey, let's run away!" Merry suggested.

"Merry, our hands are tied up!"

"Oh. Yeah." Merry thought for a moment. "Can't we just run with our hands tied? I mean, how the heck is that going to stop us from running?"

"Or you could cut your bonds with my incredibly rusty and lethal knife!" suggested Grishnakh as he leered down at the Hobs.

"Hey, you eavesdropper!" said Pippin.

Grishnakh tried to act innocent. "I haven't been dropping no eaves, sir. Honest."

Merry and Pippin made no replies to this, and started to crawl away. Unfortunately, Grishnakh was very skilled in the art of Magical Hob groping, and he soon had them in his clutches. "Empty your pockets!"

"Why?" Pippin asked.

"Just do it!"

"But my pockets are empty!"

Grishnakh tightened his hold on Pippin, which was rather painful. "You'll empty your pockets right now, or else I'll... um... well, I'll do something drastic!"

Merry reached a hand into his pocket. "Hey, look! Lembas bread!" He showed it to Grishnakh. "Want some?"

"AAAAAGGGGGHHH! ELVEN BREAD! I'M HORRIBLY ALLERGIC!" Grishnakh let go of Merry and Pippin and ran away screaming.

"Well that was weird," Merry ate some of his lembas bread and stuck the rest backin his pocket.

"Why did he want us to empty our pockets?" Pippin wondered.

"He probably thought that you guys had the One Tater to rule them all," whispered a random tree.

"Eek! The trees are talking!" Pippin cried.

"Of course they do, Pippin," said Merry. "Trees talk to me all the time. And so do apples. I remember Bob the apple, and the things he used to say..." He trailed off and wiped away a tear. Bob the apple had perished in Moria, and it was still kind of hard for Merry to talk about him.

"Well, we'd better get out of here," said Pippin. And so he and Merry ran off and ended up in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest.

oOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, while that was happening, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were still running around and exhausting themselves.

"We're running!" Legolas announced.

Gimli tried his best to be patient with his friend. "Er, yes, Legolas. We are all fully aware of the fact that we are running."

Legolas was not listening to Gimli, as he had suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Hey! I hear something!"

"I don't," said Aragorn. "My ears are clogged with dirt."

Legolas nudged Gimli. "Hey, Gimli! Guess what? Aragorn's ears are clogged with dirt!" He suddenly went rigid. "I definitely hear something! Let's hide like a group of cowards!"

And so Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn all hid behind a tiny rock that wouldn't even be big enough to shield half of a hobbit.

The noise that Legolas had heard grew louder and closer, and the Horsey Squad suddenly approached. "Fear me and the power of my gigantic feather!" Eomer boomed, gesturing at the rather blatant feather in his helmet. "Come out, you cowards! Stand up like men!"

"I AM NO MAN!" Legolas yelled defiantly.

Eomer started to laugh. "Then you're a woman?"

Legolas irritably crossed his arms in front of his chest. "No! That's not I meant. I am no man. I'm an elf!" He pointed at Aragorn. "He's a man!"

Eomer yawned. "Thanks for informing us of the obvious."

"You're quite welcome!" said Legolas cheerfully.

Aragorn was slightly puzzled. "How the heck did you guys know that we were here? We were cleverly hidden behind that rock!"

Eomer laughed. "You call that a rock? More like an oversized pebble!"

"Who are you, anyway?" Gimli asked.

"I'm Eomer!"

Legolas pointed at Eomer excitedly. "Look! He's Eomer!"

Aragorn sighed. "Ignore the elf. He's Legolas, the dwarf is Gimli, and I'm Aragorn. We're looking for Magical Hobs. Did you happen to see any?"

Eomer looked confused. "What the fruitcake is a Magical Hob?"

"Well, did you see any? There'd be two of them."

"How am I supposed to see something if I don't even know what it is?"

"Magical Hobs are short little midget people," Gimli explained.

Eomer shrugged. "Nope, never saw any. We probably killed them on accident along with the Super Sporks. We burned their bodies over there." He pointed.

"Oh well," said Gimli. "Let's go find their things. I've been lusting after their gifts from Galadriel for a really long time."

"Who's Galadriel?" Eomer asked.

Gimli got a dreamy look on his face. "Galadriel's the hottest babe to ever walk the face of the earth!"

Eomer laughed. "Well I bet I'm way hotter than she is!"

Gimli held up his axe threateningly. "How dare you say that?" He waved the axe around. "I don't like you anymore, you jerk."

"Well I don't like you either!"

Aragorn sighed impatiently. "Can you guys stop arguing so that we can continue traveling?" Eomer and Gimli fell silent.

Eomer then brought over a pair of horses. "Here, you can take these horses that are conveniently with us because their previous owners fell in battle. Go ahead and get on."

Aragorn folded his arms indignantly. "As future king of Gone-Door, I need to practice ordering people around and have them assist me in every little thing." He whistled for a couple of Horsey Squad members to come over. They lifted Aragorn onto his horse.

"Ugh!" cried the members of the Horsey Squad. "He's all covered in dirt and grease and fleas and Eru only knows what else! Must wash hands!" They ran away to find some water to wash in.

Aragorn inspected himself. "I'm not that dirty!" He paused. "Am I?"

Legolas got onto his horse with a weird, squishy dripping sound. "Eew! Th-there's blood all over the saddle!" He leaned over and vomited.

"Are you deaf?" Eomer said. "I just said that the previous owners died in battle!"

"Well you could have at least washed the saddles."

Gimli looked around in confusion. "What about me? Don't I get a horse?"

"Nope!" Eomer said. "Since I don't like you, you don't get a horse of your own! You'll have to double up with elf boy over there." He got onto his own horse. "Well, I have to leave now! See ya!" He and the Horsey Squad rode away.

Gimli got behind Legolas on his horse. "Can we leave now?"

"Yeah, sure. Quit complaining already," said Aragorn. And so the three companions (Legolas still grumbling about his saddle) rode away.

My computer has stopped acting stupid and I have updated a bit earlier than usual to celebrate! Now review, my slaves- er, I mean, my faithful reviewers!