Chapter Seven: The Big Pond of Dead Folks

Thingum continued to lead Frodo and Sam to Mulchdor. "Where are we going next, Tour Guide Smeagol?" Frodo asked.

"We goes to the Big Pond of Dead Folkses! Where it smells even worse than Smeagol does!"

Frodo clutched his nose in fear. "No! I don't know how many more bad smells I'll be able to handle before going crazy!"

Sam plopped down on the ground. "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry, Sam," Frodo commented. "You should go on a diet."

"Actually, I am on a diet," Sam said. "And you are too, Mr. Frodo. We're on the Scant Amount of Rations Diet!" He opened up his pack. "Hmm... it looks like our lembas bread will last us for about three weeks, and then we'll starve to death. Unless we eat Thingum, of course."

"No!" cried Thingum. "Fat Hob wouldn't dare!"

"Holy cabbages, Thingum! Calm down. I was only making a joke."

Frodo sat down next to Sam. "You know, I'm getting hungry myself. Hand over the lembas bread!" Sam handed him a piece and Frodo immediately scarfed it down in two seconds flat.

"Sheesh, Mr. Frodo! If you continue to eat like that, we'll only last two weeks!"

Thingum approached Frodo with a pathetic, begging expression on his face. "Smeagol would like a piece of nasty Magical Hob food please!"

"Okay!" Frodo handed Thingum a piece of lembas bread.

Thingum sniffed it so hard that he almost shoved it up his nostrils. He then put it up to his mouth, and took the tiniest of microscopic bites. "AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" He threw the lembas bread at Frodo and started writhing on the ground in an overly-dramatic way. "Tastes like dust and ashes and Elveses' nasty shampoo products!"

Sam went over and kicked him. "Stop that, you drama-queen!"

Thingum managed to calm down. "Now we has to eat wormses!" He picked up a worm and swallowed it. "Yum... tastes like buttered toast!"

"Eew!" squealed Frodo. He shielded his face with his hands and started to cry. "That poor innocent worm! You cannibal!"

"Smeagol is no cannibal!" Thingum argued. If he actually was a cannibal, then that mean that he was a worm. Since he was not a worm, but an ugly little Thingum instead, Frodo's accusation proved to be wrong. Sam put a comforting hand on Frodo's shoulders. "It's okay, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo immediately sprang from his touch. "Sam! Don't you remember our agreement we made? No touching each other!"

"Mr. Frodo, I think you completely forgot about the other agreement that we made. Remember we promised never to accuse each other of being... well... We promised to never accuse each other of certain things!"

"Oh yes, that's right. I'm sorry Sam. Just don't try to hold me again."

"Mr. Frodo! You're going against our agreement!"

Thingum smacked them both upside the head. "Would Magical Hobses just be quiet? Now, Smeagol takes you through the Big Pond of Dead Folksss! This way!" Frodo and Sam got to their feet and followed Thingum. They soon arrived at the Big Pond of Dead Folks. Frodo plugged his noise. "I sure wish I had some of Legolas' air freshener!"

"Yep, good old Legolas and his girly air freshener," Sam said. He looked down into the water of the marshes. "I see dead people..." he whispered.

"Hey, so do I!" cried Frodo excitedly, as he looked down at a dead face. "Hi dead person!" He jumped into the water, where he was surrounded by dead, ghostly beings. "Hello there! I'm Frodo!"

"I'm Bob, nice to meet you!" said one of the ghostly beings. "And now you're going to die!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Frodo's scream was cut short as he was pulled out of the water by Thingum. "Thingum, my hero!" he cried, wrapping his arms around Thingum in a tight hug.

"Get your wet body off of us!" Thingum snarled. He pushed Frodo away and attempted to dry himself off with bits of dead grass.

"I am on the point of collapsing!" Frodo gasped. He fell over.

"Mr. Frodo, are you tired?" Sam asked anxiously.

"Of course I am, you moron! I just collapsed!" He curled up in a ball. "I wanna go to sleep!"

"But we just slept a couple of hours ago, Mr. Frodo!"

"I WANT TO SLEEP AND I WANT TO SLEEP NOW!"

"Alright, alright, keep your wet little pants on." Sam lay down next to Frodo and the two of them were soon asleep and snoring.

Sam was in an incredibly deep sleep, dreaming about whatever it is that Samwise Gamgees dream about. "Snore... lovely big golden chips... snorrrrrre..."

"Snore... magical lollipops... radishes... snore..." Frodo moaned in his sleep, tossing and turning restlessly.

Suddenly Thingum croaked, "So bright, so beautiful, our... buttocks!"

Frodo jerked awake at the sound of Thingum's voice. "What?"

"Little Red Riding Hood says hello to all travelers far from home!"

Frodo gasped aloud. "Oh leaping wizards! Thingum's gotten into the pipe-weed!"

"Smeagol has, yes!"

"Smeagol, don't touch any of my things again!" Frodo grabbed his pack and inspected its contents. "You may have gotten ahold of the Old Toby, but at least you didn't touch the Longbottom Leaf."

"Smeagol hates smelly leaves!" Thingum said.

Suddenly, a series of earsplitting, girly screams tore through the air. Sam sat up in a panic. "There's one thing in this world that screams girlier than Legolas does!"

"Tater Wraiths!" Frodo cried.

The Tater Wraiths screamed again, and soon came into sight. The last time Frodo and Sam had seen them, they had ridden upon giant walking french fries. But they seemed to find have found new vehicles.

"Oh my gosh! What are you those things?" Frodo shrieked.

The Tater Wraiths appeared to be riding upon giant flying creatures composed entirely of tater tots. The Tater Wraiths called them Tater Monsters, and they were the greatest evil creatures ever bred. They fly, they see, they hear, they do it all! Tater Monsters, available for a limited time only at a pet store near you!

"Hiya, little Magical Hob!" yelled the Tater Wraiths, brandishing their shovels menacingly.

"Go away, you fiends!" Frodo yelled, shaking his fist at them. "You can't have my tater!"

"Aww... but it's so pretty and delicious looking! Oh well, we'll just try again! See ya!" And the Tater Wraiths flew away.

"Um... Mr. Frodo?" said Sam worriedly. "I think I made a wet spot."

Frodo sighed. "I can't take you anywhere, can I, Sam?"

Hmm, I don't really like this chapter very much. But maybe somebody out there will like it. Like it or not, review anyway, please.