Chapter Nine: Random Events Occur

"Nobody out there likes me," Treebeard announced.

"I'm sorry," said Pippin. "I don't understood why nobody likes you when you're such a nice tree."

Treebeard resisted the temptation to fling Pippin five hundred yards into the distance. "For the last time, I am not a tree! How many more times are you two going to call me that?"

"We're sorry, Treebeard," said Merry. "Pip and I didn't know how sensitive trees are."

Treebeard sighed. "It's hopeless with you two!" He suddenly started to cry for no reason whatsoever.

"Hey, stop the crying!" Merry yelled. "Your tears are like the size of hailstones!"

"I'm sorry. I'm just depressed." He ripped a leaf out of the top of his head and used it to wipe away his tears. "I was thinking about the Hot Ent Chicks. A long time ago, they all ditched us male Ents and ran away to find chicken wings and pots of gold or something. Have you guys seen any?"

"Seen any what?" Pippin asked.

"Ent Chicks, you moron!"

"How am I supposed to see something if I don't know want it looks like?"

"I have no idea. I don't know what they look like either."

"Wouldn't they look like female trees?" Merry suggested.

Treebeard tightened his grip on Merry. "They're not trees!" He sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "Alright, end of discussion. Now let's talk about the absence of Magical Hobs in poetry and the lists and blah blah blah!"

"Huh?" said Merry and Pippin.

"There is nothing in the lists about Magical Hobs! Do you guys want me to make up a rhyme about your pathetic forgotten race?"

Before Merry or Pippin could make a reply, Treebeard said, "Okay! Here's my rhyme about Magical Hobs:

Pathetic and small and hard to see

They can't seem to tell an Ent from a tree."

Merry and Pippin stared at him in silence. Finally, Merry said, "What the heck was that?"

Treebeard was hurt. "You mean you don't like it? Fine, I'm never telling you any of my rhymes ever again. Now let's go to my stupid little house that isn't really a house but I call it that anyway just to make myself feel better about my pathetic situation."

"That was a really long sentence," said Pippin.

Treebeard walked through the forest for several hours, ranting about whatever it is that Treebeards rant on about. He finally arrived at his "house". "We're here! You guys can sit on the table!"

"I like to dance on the table!" Pippin said.

"Please don't do that," Treebeard scolded. "I just washed the stupid table five thousand years ago and you'll get it all dirty! Well, I have to leave now to take care of private boring business. Bye-bye!" He walked away.

"BYE TREEBEARD!" Merry yelled. "HAVE FUN WITH YOUR TREE BUSINESS!"

"I AM NOT A TREE!"

oOoOoOoOo

Frodo, Sam, and Thingum had made it through the Big Pond of Dead Folks and were now on their way to the Mechanical Fence of Doom, which would get them into Mulchdor.

Thingum pointed a skinny hand at something in the distance. "Look Master, it's the Mechanical Fence of Doom!"

Frodo yawned and fell asleep.

Thingum poked him. "Master? Master, hello?" Frodo continued to sleep. Thingum bent over and started to take Frodo's pants off.

The Magical Hob immediately woke up. "AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! Get away from my personal area!"

Thingum grinned. "Smeagol had to do something!" He pointed at the Fence again. "Look, Master! The Mechanical Fence of Doom!"

"How in the name of stewed tomatoes are we going to get through that?" Sam wondered.

"Somewhere, over the Mechanical Fence, Taters fry...!" Frodo started to sing.

"Please don't sing, Mr. Frodo," Sam pleaded.

"Okay. Well let's get through that stupid Fence!" Frodo got to his feet and started to run. Luckily, he could not run fast at all and only ran about two feet before Thingum grabbed him.

"No, Master! The Easter Eggses! They sees you!"

"Easter Eggs?"

Thingum nodded and pointed at a group of people wearing brightly colored outfits in pastel yellow, pink, green, and blue. They were not literally eggs, but since their outfits made them look like Easter Eggs, that was what they were called.

"My outfit is prettier than yours!" said an Easter Egg, whose multi-colored outfit was decorated with swirly patterns and hearts.

"It is not!" yelled another Easter Egg, who was wearing a pink and yellow hat with bunnies on it.

Frodo shuddered. "Those people are dressed almost as badly as Tom Bomb-to-kill!"

Thingum nodded. "Yes, yes, they has horrible fashion sense! Curse them!"

Suddenly Sam caused part of the ledge they were sitting on to crumble and fall, and he came tumbling down. "I guess I need to lose some weight."

"You've got that right, Sam," said Frodo.

"What was that noise?" asked an Easter Egg.

The other Easter Eggs shrugged. "It was probably nothing. Let's go find some old cheese." The Easter Eggs all walked away and disappeared.

"Well that was a close one," said Frodo.

"Smeagol knowses another way!" Thingum announced. "Up stairs, through tunnels, and all sorts of other awful thingses! Come, Master!"

"Um... okay!" Frodo grabbed Thingum by the hand. "Lead us there, Tour Guide Smeagol!" Sam sighed. Mr. Frodo just didn't seem to get it.

"Come on, Sam!" Frodo called. "Hurry up! Running will good exercise for you!" Sam followed Frodo and Thingum and the three of them went on their way.

oOoOoOoOo

Back in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest, Merry and Pippin were having a good time without Treebeard.

"Where did that tree go, anyway?" Pippin asked.

Merry shrugged. "I don't know, and I don't care either. We're free from the annoying, slow, meaningless chatter of that irritatingly old tree! Let's party!"

"Alright! I'll get out the pipe-weed!" Pippin's face fell. "Wait, we don't have any pipe-weed." He looked around. "Hey, we can pretend this weirdly foreboding water is pipe-weed!"

"Okay!" While Pippin got some water, Merry scattered leaves all over the place. "Look, it's confetti! Hahaha!"

Pippin finished his portion of water. "Hey, I think I grew an inch."

"Pip, I think you've had too much pipe-weed."

"Merry, I haven't even smoked anything, you idiot!"

"Oh. Well, then you've had too much imaginary pipe-weed. Now don't bother me while I wreak havoc with my confetti!" He continued throwing leaves into the air.

Pippin sat around and drank water, because he was bored and he didn't want to join in whatever the heck it was that Merry was doing.

After about five minutes, Merry was panting excitedly after all that running around. "Oh no! I think I've run out of confetti!" He looked down at the ground. "Oh, there it is!" He scooped up the leaves that he had already thrown and ran around throwing them in the air.

Another five minutes later, Pippin stood up. "Seriously, Merry, I think this water made me taller!"

"No it didn't!"

"Yes it did!"

Merry went over to stand by Pippin and realized that Pippin actually was taller. "Hey, that's not fair! This makes me feel inferior! I want some water!"

"But I found it."

"Well I want some!" Merry then started chasing Pippin around, trying to get the water. He finally pounced on Pippin, grabbed the water, and drank it. He ended up spilling about half of it in the process of knocking Pippin over however.

"You could have asked for it nicely," Pippin muttered.

Suddenly, loud footsteps approached. Treebeard had returned. "What the fruitcake did you guys do to my special water?"

Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "Uh..."

"Next time I leave, I'm getting you guys a babysitter or something. Quickbeam will willingly watch you guys next time. Now don't touch my water, you stupid Magical Hobs!"

"Okay," said Merry. "That stuff tasted really weird anyway."

"That's probably because I backwashed in it," Pippin said.

"You what?" Merry cried. Pippin started to laugh hysterically until Treebeard picked him up and ordered him to stop.

"Quiet, you guys! Now come on, I'm taking you somewhere else now." He picked up Merry in the other hand and walked off.