I would have updated sooner, but I was unable to use my computer for two days.

Chapter Thirteen: Super-Duper Cool Rangers

Frodo, Sam, and Thingum continued to wander around through various hideous landscapes, becoming increasingly tired and increasingly hungry.

"Smeagol is so hungry!" Thingum whined. "We hopes to find a McDonald's around here soon."

"Hey, look!" said Frodo. "We've somehow managed to stumble into Ithilien!"

Sam looked at Frodo in awe. "You sure do know your geography, Mr. Frodo."

Ithilien was like a Magical Hob paradise. It was filled with trees and grass and flowers and rivers and pretty little birds that were so polite that they used chamberpots made out of leaves and twigs. Thingum was miserable, however.

"Eew, smelly nasty flowers!" He swatted a bright pink flower out of his way, and a bee flew out of it and up Thingum's nose. "AAAAAGGGHHHHH!" he squealed. "It stingses!"

Sam and Frodo, being lazy Magical Hobs, sat their bottoms down on the ground. "Hey, Thingum, go find us some food!" Sam ordered.

Thingum wandered off muttering to himself. "Alright, alright... Fat greedy lazy Hob, wanting food all the time..."

"I'm going to cook us some food, Mr. Frodo!" Sam announced. Frodo made no comment. "Mr. Frodo?" He looked around and saw that Frodo was curled up in a ball on the ground, fast asleep. "Mr. Frodo sure does sleep a lot. That's unhealthy."

Sam sat down on a rock and having nothing better to do, watched Frodo sleep. Wow, how fascinating. "Mr. Frodo is so beautiful when he sleeps! I love him!"

Frodo's eyes suddenly shot open. "Eew! You do?"

"No way!" said Sam. "I was just saying that to throw everyone off! I love my cooking equipment so much more!" He gave his pots and pans an affectionate hug.

Frodo looked relieved. "Oh good."

"Delivery for Mr. Gamgee!" croaked Thingum. He ran up to Sam with a couple of horribly mutilated rabbits in his mouth. He dropped them on the ground. "You likes them?"

Sam looked at the rabbits. "Eew, they're all covered in blood and guts. We're going to get poisoned!" He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well! Now get me some water!"

Thingum disappeared again. Sam then reached into his pack and pulled out fifteen pots, twelve pans, seven ladles, six bowls, twenty spoons, and twenty-two oven mitts that were decorated in sadistically grinning bunnies.

Frodo stared at the items in shock. "Sam, why the heck have you got all that cooking equipment with you? You have enough to start your own pots and pans store!"

Sam hugged his cooking equipment protectively. "You can never have enough cooking gear, Mr. Frodo." He picked up a ladle and cradled it tenderly in his arms. "It's alright, Ladley, he just doesn't understand."

Frodo scooted a few feet away from his companion. "Sam, you're scaring me."

Thingum came back with the water and then went off to pout. Sam soon had a pot full of boiling water and was cooking the rabbits. He sighed. "If only we had a few... Wait a minute..." He looked at Frodo and said slowly, "Mr. Frodo, you've got a tater, don't you?"

"Why, yes!" said Frodo cheerfully. He took the tater out of his pocket and held it up proudly. "Isn't it just the prettiest tater you've ever seen?"

"Yes," said Sam covetously, his eyes wide. "Oh, yes!" He scooted closer to Frodo. "Hey, Mr. Frodo, do you think I could hold that tater? Just for a moment. Only a couple of seconds, I promise!"

"I don't know," said Frodo. "It's so pretty and you might soil it with your dirty gardener's hands. Oh, what the heck!" He handed the tater to Sam, who eagerly snatched it and eyed it hungrily. "Now, Mr. Frodo, do you think you could hand me one of those knives?"

"Sure!" Frodo happily grabbed a knife and handed it to Sam. Sam giggled maniacally and prepared to send the knife's blade slicing right through the tater. Frodo looked at the knife and potato though, and put two and two together.

"SAM! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL MY TATER!"

"Well, Mr. Frodo, stewed rabbit just doesn't taste the same without some good taters! And you've got a tater, which is just what I need!" Sam was about to slice the tater again but Frodo pounced on him and snatched the tater away. He quickly stuffed it into his pocket and curled up in a ball so Sam couldn't reach the pocket.

Sam burst into tears. "You ruined my cooking!"

"Stupid fat Hob!" Thingum hissed. Nature suddenly called and he disappeared behind a bush.

Sam's ears suddenly perked up. "Hey, do you hear something?"

There was a loud stomping noise and Frodo and Sam looked to see where it was coming from. It was a herd of oliphaunts. They looked at Sam with expressions that seemed to say, "Look, Sam! Aren't we tempting!"

Sam gazed at them with a look of sheer joy on his face. "OLIPHAUNTS! Oh my gosh! Mr. Frodo, we have to watch them!"

Frodo sighed. "What do think this is, Sam? A zoo exhibit?"

"Yes."

"Well it's not. It's just a bunch of poorly dressed men preparing for war."

"Well, I do agree with you, Mr. Frodo. Their taste in clothing is disgraceful and their purpose is evil, but they're riding on oliphaunts! If they've got such wonderful creatures than they can't be that bad!"

Frodo shook his head. "Sam, you are so naive sometimes, but I like you anyway."

Suddenly there was some rustling in the bushes. "We resemble the outlaws of Sherwood!" said Faramir, Captain of Gone-Door. "Fire away!"

Several rangers, also known as the Super-Duper Cool Rangers, strung their bows and shot at the oliphaunts for no good reason. Sam cried enough tears to fill up a Hob Hillock. "Those poor noble creatures!"

"Who said that?" said a Super-Duper Cool Ranger. He and couple of other rangers came out of their bush, snuck up on Frodo and Sam, and grabbed them before they could say "Anti-disestablishmentarianism is my Best Friend Forever and don't you forget it!"

"What did you guys catch?" Faramir asked. "Ooh, short people!"

"Yep, let's eat them!" said a Super-Duper Cool Ranger.

"They are not for eating!" said Faramir sternly.

Another Super-Duper Cool Ranger spoke up. "What about their legs? They don't need those!"

Sam kicked the ranger who was holding him. "Are you guys aware of the fact that what you're doing is major Super Spork dialogue rip-off?"

"Hmm, you're right," said Faramir. "But I don't care! Now carry these tiny creatures off to... my Secret Lair!"

"Secret Lair?" said Frodo.

"Well, actually I don't really have a Secret Lair," said Faramir sheepishly. "I was saying that so I could be dramatic. I never get to take part in the drama! Father never lets me!" He burst into tears.

A Super-Duper Cool Ranger patted Faramir on the back. "There, there, it's okay."

Faramir sniffled and wiped his eyes dry. "Sorry, I was having another dramatic moment. Okay, let's go!" And, Sam, Frodo, and the Super-Duper Cool Rangers all walked away.