Chapter Fourteen: Attack of the Dreaded Cuddly Wolf Pals

In Horseyland, Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Eowyn, and various miserable peasants traveled to Helm's Shack. The peasants had to travel on foot, since having sore feet is good for peasants and builds character. Well, not really, but that doesn't matter.

Gimli was next to Eowyn and was telling her his whole life story. "My mother had a beard. My father had a beard. My sister had a beard. My grandfathers and my grandmothers had beards."

Eowyn was highly disturbed. "You have a, er, very hairy family, don't you?

"Yep!"

"Interesting." Eowyn did not want to talk to Gimli anymore (in case Gimli started rambling on about beards some more) and so turned her attention to Aragorn. "Hello Aragorn! Who gave you that weird little piece of foil that's on a string around your neck? It's looks like something a three-year-old made!"

"It's the Foil-Star Pendant," Aragorn explained.

"Oh. So who gave it to you?"

"An elf."

"Yes, but what's the elf's name?"

Aragorn fidgeted nervously. "Er, no one! Just an elf."

"Hmm..." Eowyn looked around and noticed that Legolas was an elf. "I am beginning to suspect." She watched Legolas and Aragorn carefully to see if they displayed any affection towards each other.

"It's time to space out!" Aragorn announced. His eyes glazed over and he stared at the sky as he got lost in his thoughts.

In his memory, he was in Rivendell sitting on a hard metal bed and was wearing a straight jacket. "Hey, I'm not crazy! It's Denethor who needs the straight jacket!"

Arwen shushed him. "Go to sleep, psychopath!"

"I am asleep!"

"No, you're not, your eyes are open!"

Good point, Aragorn thought. He came up with an excuse, "Um, I can sleep with my eyes open, like Gandalf!"

"How freaky," Arwen said.

Gandalf popped up out of nowhere. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

Aragorn tried to throw something at Gandalf but was unable to because of the straight jacket. "Gandalf, get out of here, you old fool! You're ruining our special moment!"

"Oops, sorry!" Gandalf disappeared.

Aragorn squirmed around on the bed. "Do you think you could take this straight jacket off?"

"No," Arwen said. "My father ordered that you wear it all times until you leave on your journey."

"But why?"

Arwen shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because he hates you with a deep furious passion."

"Oh. That's probably it." Aragorn gave up on trying to get out of the straight jacket and sat still. "Why the heck am I here anyway? And why are you here?"

Arwen's voice suddenly became deep and mysterious and her eyes glowed several different colors. "Go with Frodo!"

"That was weird," said Aragorn. "And don't you make my decisions for me!"

"Go with Frodo," Arwen ordered. "It is your destiny."

"Okay, now you're starting to sound like Darth Vader!"

"Who's Darth Vader?"

Aragorn shrugged. "I honestly have no clue."

Arwen shrugged also. "Anyway, go with Frodo. It is your density."

"Density?" Aragorn cried. "Now you sound like George McFly from Back to the Future! Anyway, you can't tell me what to do, you inferior being! Maybe I don't want it to be my destiny."

"Going with Frodo is MY destiny!" Sam yelled furiously, popping up out of nowhere.

Aragorn glared at the magically teleporting Magical Hob. "Sam, get out of here! You're messing up our sentimental moments together!"

"Okay." Sam snapped his fingers and he disappeared.

"That Magical Hob is very disturbing," said Arwen. "Well, anyway, you have to go with Frodo so you can become king! I've been waiting for sixty-seven years for crying out loud! I don't know if I can wait any longer. Glorfindel has been looking rather attractive lately..."

"Alright, alright!" said Aragorn hastily. "I'll go!"

Aragorn's daydream ended but he continued to stare out into space. Eowyn noticed this. She waved a hand in front of his face. "Aragorn? Aragorn, hello!"

Aragorn blinked several times and looked wildly around him. "Huh? Wha? Where am I?"

"You were lost deeply in thought! You're so attractive when you daydream!" She giggled.

Aragorn shuddered and stepped several feet away from her.

Suddenly, Hama started shrieking in a high-pitched girly voice. "Like oh my gosh! We're being attacked by Sporks riding on Cuddly Wolf Pals! Run away like cowards!"

"No! Not Cuddly Wolf Pals!" the peasants screamed.

A horde of Sporks soon appeared, riding on bright pink wolfish creatures that smelled like hearts and flowers and had big, gigantic, fake-looking grins plastered onto their faces. They grinned constantly, never stopping, and they would often break into happy little song and tried to get people to sing along with them. They were absolutely terrifying.

"DIE!" Eowyn ran over and stabbed a Spork.

"Uh-oh," said Theoden. "Somebody keep Eowyn from the fighting!" A couple of peasants bound and gagged Eowyn and dragged her away.

A Cuddly Wolf Pal frolicked over to Aragorn. "Hello there!" it giggled. "My name is Starry Sunshine Sweetie!" It wrinkled its nose. "Oh my! You need to take a bath, mister!"

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" screamed the Sporks. "THE RANGER! HE SMELLS! RUN AWAY!" All the Sporks and Cuddly Wolf Pals rode away, except for Starry Sunshine Sweetie.

"Well that was an easy battle," said Theoden. "Maybe we should all stop taking baths so we can drive all our enemies away."

Starry Sunshine Sweetie was advancing on Aragorn, coming closer and closer, causing Aragorn to have to walk backwards. "I can make you pretty!" squealed the Cuddly Wolf Pal. "Please let me, pretty please! You're so filthy now, but I can fix that and then you're be as gorgeous and huggable as me!"

"Nooo!" squeaked Aragorn. "Have mercy!" He was right at the edge of a cliff now. "Have mercy, please!" He took a step back and fell over the cliff and into the river.

"Hey! Get back here!" The Cuddly Wolf Pal fell down the cliff after him.

"Well that was weird, ridiculous, and overly-dramatic," said Theoden. "Not to mention stupid. Oh well, at least we are free of Aragorn's odor. Now let's get out of here!"

Everyone left and finally arrived at Helm's Shack, which was a little wooden structure that had a roof made of hay and looked on the verge of collapsing. "Okay, shove all the women and kids in the animal pen!" Theoden ordered.

"Why the animal pen?" Eowyn asked.

"Because the Shack won't be safe for you to stay in! I mean, just at that rickety thing! It could collapse any second! Now get in the animal pen!"

"But I don't want to go in there!" Eowyn whined. "It's sort of like a cage and I'm afraid of cages! Plus, it smells like goat droppings and I'm allergic to goats!"

"So? That doesn't mean you're allergic to their droppings."

"That doesn't matter!" Eowyn screamed. "Now let me stay out here! Don't you make me go Dernhelm on you!"

"Hama! Take her away!" Theoden ordered.

"Yes, sire!" Hama grabbed a rope, hog-tied Eowyn, and put her in the little animal pen, which was crowded with whining children and women.

"This place smells like underfed sheep," Eowyn complained.

"How would an underfed sheep smell any different than a well-fed sheep?" Hama wondered. "Quit your whining, Eowyn."

"But I'm upset!"

"Well you'll be really upset when you learn that Aragorn is dead!"

"WHAT?" she screamed. "Aragorn is dead?"

Hama clapped a hand over his mouth. "Oops, did I just say that?" He quickly scurried away.

"Great, now I'm depressed," sighed Eowyn. "And the worst part about it is I'm depressed over something that doesn't even really happen! Oh well."

Uh-oh. Now this is really following the movie more than I would like it to. The first Lord of the Taters followed the book a lot of the time, but I guess that isn't the case with this one. I haven't read The Two Towers in a while.