Like the previous chapter, this chapter also contains a special appearance of Denethor. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Sixteen: A Loincloth Will Not Pass as a Swimsuit

Faramir, Frodo, and Sam arrived at Faramir's Secretive Secret Lair of Secrets, and Frodo and Sam sat down. "Eew, we're in a smelly cave!" Frodo whined. "I wish we had some of Legolas' air freshener!"

"Don't you make fun of my cave!" said Faramir. "And who is this Legolas person?"

"He's an elf we were traveling with," Sam replied. "He was obsessed with grooming, hygiene, and his personal appearance. Especially his hair."

"He sounds like a real sissy," said Faramir.

"He is," said Frodo.

"Let's sit around and talk about Boromir!" Faramir suggested. "Even though I've been yapping on about Boromir all day long." It was true, earlier that day he had practically talked Frodo and Sam's ears off, going on and on about his brother.

"I'd much rather hear tales of the elves, sir!" said Sam, his eyes misting over at the thought of elves.

"Elves are sissies and I don't like to talk about them," said Faramir. "I'm much manlier than they are and I'm such a better character!"

"Well yes, you're right," said Sam.

"I've got a better idea!" said Faramir. "Let's talk about that One Tater of yours! Taters happen to be my father's favorite food. If I give him a tater, maybe he'll pay attention to me!"

Frodo squeaked and scooted into a corner. "You can't have my tater! Your father shall never taste its deliciousness!"

"Aw, but if he doesn't get to eat taters, then I'll be forced to see him eat tomatoes! And watching my father eat a tomato is horrible and life-scarring!" He shuddered.

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor's eyes were twitching, and he felt rather hungry. "Hmm... I hunger for... tomatoes!"

"NOOOOOO!" cried the servants. "Not tomatoes! Anything but that!"

Denethor pounded his fist on the arm of his chair menacingly. "I want tomatoes!"

"Very well, my lord," said a terrified servant. "But could you please wear a mask or something? We don't want to see tomato juice go all over your face!"

Denethor was deeply insulted. With a hideous roar, he plucked a strand of hair from his head and waved it around. "I shall kill you for that! I shall chop you up with my sword!" He continued to wave the strand of hair around as if it was a deadly weapon.

The local healers looked at each other. "Uh-oh. Somebody didn't take his medication."

oOoOoOo

"Wow, I hope I never have to meet your father," said Frodo. "I am definitely NOT letting the tater fall into the hands of that nutcase."

"Aw, please!" whined Faramir. "The way he eats tomatoes is so creepy! If he has a tater, he won't eat tomatoes anymore! Please help me!" He looked pleadingly at Frodo and Sam with the Irresistible Faramir Look.

Frodo shielded his eyes. "No! Not the Irresistible Faramir Look!"

"Give him a taste of his own medicine, Mr. Frodo!" whispered Sam.

"Great idea." Frodo uncovered his eyes and looked at Faramir with the Irresistible Frodo Look.

Faramir backed up and fell over backwards. "No! No no no! Not the Irresistible Frodo Look! It's even more irresistible than mine! Alright, alright, keep your tater!"

Frodo and Sam high-fived each other. "Yes!"

oOoOoOo

Later, as Frodo and Sam were sleeping, Faramir snuck up on Frodo. "Boo!" Frodo woke up and screamed like a little girl. "What? Who's there?"

Faramir laughed. "It's only me! Come on, I have to show you something." Faramir led Frodo outside of the cave so he could show him Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool. "Here, I will show you Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool."

Frodo looked in surprise. "Wow, it's Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool!"

Thingum splashed around. "Look at me, I'm Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool!"

"Why does everyone keep constantly using that phrase?" Sam demanded.

"Sam, go back to sleep!" hissed Frodo. "This doesn't concern you!" Sam munched on a cabbage he found in his pocket and then went back to bed.

"That filthy little creature is in my private swimming pool!" said Faramir. "Nobody is allowed to use my private swimming pool unless they're wearing a proper swimsuit! Loincloths don't count! It's a good thing the lifeguard is on duty."

He pointed at the lifeguard patrolling the pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle and pointed his pool toy at Thingum. "Out of the pool, mister!"

"But Smeagol just wants to swim! Our dry skin hasn't felt the touch of water in so long!"

The lifeguard jabbed him with the pool toy. "Out of the pool or we'll take drastic measures!"

"Hey, you can't hurt Thingum just because he isn't properly dressed for swimming!" said Frodo.

"Yes they can!" Faramir insisted. "It's a serious crime. Just look at that skimpy little loincloth he's wearing. That's disgusting!"

Frodo waved his arms around and jumped up and down. "Thingum! Hey, Thingum, come here!"

"What is master doing?" Thingum cried. "Master is waving and jumping as if he was Smeagol's cheerleader!"

Frodo continued jumping around. "Gimme a T! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a-"

Faramir smacked him. "You're not a cheerleader, Frodo! Stop that!" He gave Frodo a slight shove. "Now go get your ugly little friend and nobody gets hurt."

"Okay!" Frodo skipped over to Thingum. "Come on, Thingum. Come to master! I've got cookies!"

"But Smeagol wants to practice his backstroke!" Thingum whined. "We wants to try out for the Olympic swim team!"

"Well you can do that later. Come on, Thingum. If you come with me right now, I'll make sure the Olympic judges give you a gold medal!"

"Okay!" Thingum happily followed Frodo. Just as they reached Faramir, a couple of Super-Duper Cool Rangers threw a sack over Thingum and captured him. "Hey, what was that for?" Frodo asked.

Faramir took the sack and slung it onto his back. "Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas! I needed this sack for my Santa Clause impersonation!"

"Really?"

"No! I'm going to capture this creature so he doesn't compete in the Olympics and beat me at swimming!" He went back into the cave, Frodo following, and flung Thingum on the floor. "Take that, Thingum! That gold medal shall be mine!"

"Can't nasty man just settle for a silver medal?" Thingum asked.

"No!" said Faramir. "It has to be gold! Gold is my father's favorite color, because the color gold reminds him of taters, which are his favorite food."

"Please don't talk about your father anymore," Frodo pleaded. "I've never even met the guy but he terrifies me!"

"All right," said Faramir. "Now go to sleep!" Frodo promptly closed his eyes and fell to the ground in a heap. Faramir stared down at him. "Wow, now that's what I call fast asleep!"

I love doing those little Denethor scenes. I can't wait to move on to the Return of the King parody so I can ridicule him even more.