Note to Stacy-comedy: I deleted The Modern Life. I didn't like it much and was dissatisfied with it. Sorry you never got a chance to read it. Maybe I'll put it back up someday.
Chapter Eighteen: Defending the Pathetic Shack
At Helm's Shack, everyone was running around like frantic chickens while they attempted to get ready for battle. "We're going to lose!" moaned Theoden. "Just look at what we have as a defense!" He pointed at Helm's Shack. It made an odd creaking sound and the roof started to sag a bit.
"I see what you mean," said Aragorn. "Well, if all else fails, we can just use Gimli as a shield."
"Hey!" cried Gimli. "Do I look like shield material to you?"
"Yes."
Gimli walked off grumbling to himself. Nobody missed him. Dwarves are horribly under-appreciated creatures, you know. All they crave is a little respect and love. And some expired cheese, but it's not a good idea to give them that.
"So, where are our warriors?" Aragorn asked.
"Over there," Theoden replied. He pointed at a pathetic handful of old men and little boys.
"Our backs are crippled and our eyesight is failing!" croaked the old men. "We can't possibly fight! We should all be in a nursing home instead."
"Well you're fighting, like it or not!" said Theoden. "If you all survive, then I'll send you all to a nice nursing home that smells like moldy plastic. That's what nursing homes smell like, you know. I wouldn't go there if I were you."
"We're too weak to fight!" whined the little boys. "We're so weak, we can't even pick up flimsy wooden swords!"
"Well then strengthen yourselves, you wimps!" ordered Theoden. "Eat Frosted Flakes! They're more than good, they're grr-eat!"
"Those Frosted Flakes advertisements are nothing but lies, you know," said Eomer. "I found out the truth!" He started to sob into his hands.
"Eomer, what are you doing here?" Theoden asked.
"Ahem!" said Eomer. "It's in the book! I'm supposed to be here!"
"Oh yes, that's right."
"Well Eomer may belong here, but I sure don't!" said Haldir, who had appeared out of nowhere with an army of elves. "What am I doing here?"
"Haldir?" cried Legolas. "Oh my goodness, I think I just wet myself with excitement!"
"Well, let's get ready, everybody!" said Aragorn. "Position yourselves in front of the shack! Even though we have no protection whatsoever, hopefully we will survive this."
"We're heeeeeeeeere!" yelled the Super Sporks, arriving precisely when they meant to. A Super Spork is never late, nor is he early. Use that knowledge wisely.
The peasants of Horseyland all shot perfectly aimed arrows, and missed. The Super Sporks and the elves all laughed.
"Dumb, uneducated peasants!" said the elves. "We'll show you!" They all shot poorly aimed arrows, and hit every target.
"That doesn't make any sense," said Eomer. "The peasants' arrows were perfectly aimed and they missed, and the elves' arrows were poorly aimed but they didn't miss."
Aragorn clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Just accept it, Eomer. Nothing ever makes sense in parodies."
"Fear our battering ram!" shouted the Super Sporks. "It's made entirely out of Skittles!"
"Skittles?" cried Gimli. "I love Skittles!" He ran over to the battering ram and ate it.
"Well so much for that," said a Super Spork.
"I told you using candy was a bad idea!" said another Super Spork.
Everyone continued to fight. The roof of Helm's Shack was about to cave in but everyone bravely protected it anyway. A Super Spork managed to approach the shack but suddenly Haldir popped up in front of the door. "YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!"
"Says who?" said the Super Spork.
"Says me!" yelled Haldir.
"Is 'says me' even grammatically correct?" the Super Spork asked.
Haldir scratched his head and thought about that for a moment. While he was puzzling over grammar, the Super Spork saw his chance and stabbed the poor elf. A munchkin burst out of the shack and sang, "He's really most sincerely dead!"
"Hey look!" yelled Eomer, pointing at the munchkin. "A hobbit!"
The munchkin walked over to Eomer. "Would you like to join the Lollipop Guild?"
"Um...no," Eomer said. "You frighten me." He rolled the munchkin down a hill and nobody knew what ever happened to that munchkin. Nobody really cared either.
The Super Sporks were getting angry. "Prepare to die!"
"Okay!" Aragorn lay down on the ground in front of the Super Sporks.
Theoden kicked him in the ribs. "Get up, you fool! We're not surrendering that easily! There would be no point to this story if we lost."
Aragorn got up but did not bother to brush the dirt off of him. Instead he scooped up some more dirt from the ground and spread it on his clothes. "Mmm... dirt. Anyway, who will help us then? We're about to get all our rears kicked!"
"I WILL!" roared a voice. "FEAR THE POWER OF BLEACH!"
"No! Not the bleached wizard!" the Super Sporks cried.
"That's right!" laughed Gandalf. "I've come to smite you all down with my shiny smiting abilities. And after that I'm dropping by at the supermarket to get some coffee. I'm saddle sore and I need a pick-me-up!"
"Gandalf's here!" Aragorn yelled. "Now we can all be happy! We can also just lounge around while he does all the work!" He sat down on the ground and leaned his back against a tree. A couple of women brought him a pillow and a cold beverage. "Ah, this is the life! Isn't it great to be friends with a wizard who will just come to your rescue at random convenient times?" He sipped his drink and thrust it at one of the women. "Not cold enough! Go put more ice in it!"
Gandalf and the others managed to kill half of the Super Sporks. The other half got down on their knees. "We will live a life of peace now! Please don't kill us! We'll all become peace-loving treehuggers now!" They ran off into the forest singing hippie songs.
Theoden inspected Helm's Shack. "I can't believe this place survived."
Aragorn sprang to his feet. "LET'S PARTY!" He grabbed Eomer and the two of them started dancing and stomping on the ground. Soon Legolas was dancing (though his version looked a little like ballet) and Gimli was dancing (though he added flatulence to his dance and everybody stayed away from him) and Gandalf was dancing (though he kept tripping over his beard) and soon everyone was dancing, including the women, children, and animals.
Unfortunately, all of that dancing and stomping caused a tremor in the ground, and Helm's Shack collapsed. Everybody stopped dancing and stared at the large pile of rubble. "We're all a bunch of idiots," Theoden remarked.