The Hitchhiker's Guide To The FFN Quarter of the Hitchhiker's Guide
By Kat Kire
Disclaimer
I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide. The Ghost Host owns Ben, in accordance with the Emancipation Proclamation. Such is also true for Max, David, Mickey, and various others that may show up at increasingly inopportune times.
Summary
Guide Entry: THE SLIGHLTY STRANGE LIFE FORMS BEHIND THE "THE GUIDE" C2.
†
There are, in fact, contrary to popular opinion, life forms behind the creation of that wholly remarkable book, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
This guide entry has nothing to do with them.
†
The Galactic MegaHamsters of Hockhuckunjarv were the pride of their respective galaxy for many years. A Galactic MegaHamster is characterized by the following things: They are small, furry, disquietingly cute, and bright puce. The best way to get a drink out of one is to dismember it and drink the spinal fluid, but most hitchhikers dislike the substance this produces, and also protest on the grounds that they cannot resist that face.
The Galactic MegaHamsters of Hockhuckunjarv never gave the Vogons any trouble, until the day Corporate Vogon Lousiferous Lervin decided he needed a pet, in keeping with his new status as head of the company that publishes that wholly remarkable book, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Because of their ominously attractive color scheme and sophisticated puppy eyes abilities, he unwisely chose a Galactic MegaHamster.
It was the worst choice he ever made. Although the Galactic MegaHamster was sweet at first glance, it quickly displayed its true peskish nature by chewing up a couple of power cables. With a furious roar, Lervin grasped the animal and tossed it bodily out of a window. With this gesture, he maddened the MegaHamster population. They rose in droves against the Guide, on the grounds that, "Our puppy eyes don't work on that damn bird, and besides, you threw Johnson out the window before we could blame our project missing deadline on those guys in accounting." (Why hamsters have already evolved the impediment of deadlines and accounting departments is unsure.)
The result of this was publishing of the Guide being handed over for a few generations and probability axises, before reaching the slightly charcoal stained hands of a publishing group which shall remain anonymous due to a legal complication involving an annotated copy of Hamlet and several African spider monkeys. This publishing company began to delegate between galaxies. But whatever became of the Guide on that little planet on sector ZZ, plural Z alpha? It fell into the not exactly capable hands of two young people.
The slightly shorter one's name was Kat Kire, more usually known as SimplyElymas. However, people who knew her well would often complain regarding this name, insisting that she was ComplexlyElymas, PuzzlinglyElymas, or at the very least, UnfathomablyElymas. The slightly taller one was Ben, otherwise but not often to Kat known as the Ghost Host. Their special abilities included the unique way they both had of finishing each other's sentences, which could become very aggravating when they were writing guide entries, as they fought over the typewriter a lot. Also, Kat had a very nice maniacal laugh, and Ben had the ability to recite spiels from many rides in the place of entertainment on Earth known as Disneyland, or, alternatively, the one place on Earth where you can fondle a gigantic mouse and not be called completely disgusting, or at the very least, vaguely resembling Crispin Glover. It is not, however, the one place in the Galaxy. There is always Vegas, and on the planet Rarzenjarven in the Spiral Galaxy, to put it delicately, let us say the women have strange tastes. (This rather aggravates the mem of Rarzenjarven, but let's not get into that now.)
The best way to get a drink out of Kat is to offer her a lead on an acting job, and the best way to get one out of Ben is to tell him that you'll give him some tips on solving a Rubik's Cube. (This is a strange entertainment device apparently devised by someone named Rubik. More on this later.)
One may conclude that these two are dangerous life forms, noting Kat's penchant for fist fighting, Brazilian martial arts, and violent water basketball, and Ben's hobby of chasing around annoying Russian chess players for recreational purposes. They are to be avoided at all costs.
Unless, of course, you are in need of a logo design, a film credit, a piece of fan art, a short story, or a Monty Python song. In that case God and Kat and Ben will provide.
We apologize for any inconvenience.