Author's note: Many thanks to Maudgonne and SilverWeaver, for helping me improve this chapter. They both really stuck up for Seth, and he needed it. Also, I'm not a lawyer, though I have watched lots of Law and Order, so thanks to StoryMom for all her legal expertise. Anything I get wrong is because I ignored her. I'm also not a psychiatrist. It seems as though my ambitions were lofty for this story. If it's wrong, I'm sorry.

The preliminary hearing went as Barry had anticipated, much to Sandy's disappointment. Judge Harnett listened to their motion, but predictably decided that the prosecution had enough evidence to press forward. Two days later, the DA got his indictment from the Grand Jury, and the date for Ryan's trial was set.

Soon after, Sandy and Ryan met with Barry at his office to start planning their strategy.

"So we're arguing self-defense, which is an affirmative defense," Barry said. "That means we all agree on the facts of the case – that you and Jake fought in the alley and the fight resulted in Jake's death. We just have to prove that you didn't want to be fighting and were only protecting yourself."

Ryan nodded.

"The prosecution is claiming that you went into the alley willingly, and wanted to finish what you two started in the club."

Ryan nodded again. He knew all this.

"It all comes down to state of mind. The prosecution wants you to meet with a Dr. Kormac on Thursday for their psych consult."

This caught Ryan's attention. He sat up straighter in his chair. "For their what?"

"Their psych consult. He'll want to talk to you about what you were feeling that night."

Ryan glared at Sandy. "You never said anything about having to talk to a psychiatrist."

"I thought you knew that," Sandy said.

"How would I know that?" Ryan closed his eyes, trying to process the latest development. He tried his hardest not to think about that night, even though the scene replayed itself in his mind whenever he wasn't actively pushing it away. "Do I have to?"

"Yeah, you do." Barry nodded. "It's what our defense is based on."

His defense was based on how he was feeling that night. He hadn't been feeling anything that night. It just happened. He couldn't have stopped it. And he didn't want to talk about it. "Can we just say forget it and take the deal?"

Sandy shook his head. "There's no deal now. It's this or you plead guilty."

Ryan was feeling like he was backed into the alley again, being forced to do something he didn't want to do and unable to stop everything as it came barreling towards him. "Fine."

He could feel Barry staring at him. "Ryan, this defense doesn't work unless you're a willing participant. You have to believe it was self-defense."

Ryan glared at Barry. "I said 'fine'. I'll do what needs to be done."

"Yeah, I heard you." Barry shuffled some papers. He raised his eyebrows at Sandy.

"You might as well continue, get everything out in the open," Sandy said.

"Okay," Barry said. "So if they're going to put an expert psychiatrist on the stand regarding your state of mind, we're going to need one too."

Ryan pursed his lips and nodded. "Great." Two psychiatrists. That meant lots of talking. He didn't like talking in the first place, and he hated talking about himself even more. "Anything else?"

Barry looked at Sandy. "Not right now, I guess."

Ryan stood up and walked out the door. Sandy didn't follow him, so he assumed they were discussing him. He paced the small foyer as he waited for Sandy to come out. He figured he should get used to people discussing him, because that was all that was going to happen in the next few weeks. It was bad enough thinking he would have to listen to the whole night be dissected and examined in detail at the trial. Now he was what was going to be dissected and examined in detail.

Finally, Sandy came out of Barry's office. "Ready to go?"

He reached out his arm as if to put it around Ryan's shoulders, but Ryan moved out of the way, keeping as much distance as he could. "Whatever you say." He pushed out the door, staying two steps ahead of Sandy all the way to the car.

Kirsten was in the kitchen when they got home. "Hey, guys, how was the meeting?"

Ryan just walked right through the kitchen, slamming the door behind him on his way to the pool house.

"Things didn't go well?"

"That's an understatement," Sandy said. "He didn't say two words to me the whole way home."

Seth trailed into the kitchen, grabbing a juice out of the fridge. "Oh, good, you guys are home. Ryan in the pool house? I need to talk to him."

As Seth headed for the door, Sandy tried to stop him. "Maybe leave him alone for a bit, Seth. He's not in the best of moods."

"I'll cheer him up."

Seth walked into the pool house to find Ryan sitting by the windows, doing bicep curls with his weights. "Hey, buddy, I've been looking for you. Wait until you hear about…"

Ryan cut him off. "I'm really not in the mood, Seth."

"Come on, Ryan." Seth plopped on the bed. "You never want to hang out any more. I'm here to cheer you up, take your mind off things. I had an awesome day."

"And I didn't, Seth. I just want to be alone right now. I need to be alone right now."

"What are you, Greta Garbo now?" Seth put the back of his hand across his forehead and affected his best German accent. "'I vant to be alone.'" Seth was disappointed to not get even a tiny reaction out of Ryan. "Come on, man. You never want to hang out anymore."

Ryan switched the weights to his other arm, not looking up at Seth. "I've just got a lot to think about right now, Seth."

"Look, I know this whole legal thing is rough, but you can't spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself. Dad's working hard on this – he won't let you go to jail." When Ryan continued to ignore him, he pushed himself up off the bed. "Okay. Have fun brooding."

Seth went up to his room and lay on his bed, thinking about Ryan. He knew he was right – there was no way his dad was going to let Ryan go to jail. He just didn't know how to get that through to Ryan.

After Seth left, Ryan set the weights down. He'd been doing fine, pushing things out of his mind while he worked out, but Seth had to disrupt him, bringing everything crashing back. He wasn't feeling sorry for himself. He was the last person in a long list of people to feel sorry for.

He felt sorry for Kirsten, who had to face the Newpsies and listen to their snide remarks about how she had a killer living in her pool house. He felt sorry for Sandy, who was giving up time and money to attend meetings, write motions, argue at hearings. He felt sorry for Seth because he didn't feel like sitting around hearing about his day at school. He didn't want to hear what his life should be like now. He felt sorry for Jake, who was dead, who had probably had a pretty crappy life to make him that angry. He felt sorry for Jake's family and friends. Seth just didn't understand. There were so many other people Ryan had to feel sorry for. He didn't even make the list. And all these people would be better off and happier if he just pled guilty and went to jail.

Ryan waited for Dr. Kormac in an interrogation room at the police station, jiggling his leg, half not wanting to do this and half just wanting to get it over with. Sandy had some actual work to do at his office so Kirsten had dropped him for his appointment, giving him the equivalent of a pep talk on the way. "Just tell the truth, don't be nervous, don't leave anything out. Tell him what happened and you'll do fine." Barry had met him at the station, continuing where Kirsten had left off. He was going to be observing the interview, along with the DA, though neither was allowed to interrupt. Barry had just left the room, and Dr. Kormac was expected momentarily.

When the doctor entered the room carrying a stack of files, Ryan eyed him warily. He was a slight man who looked like he'd never been near a street fight and didn't know the first thing about them. Ryan wondered how this guy could evaluate his thought processes.

"Ryan Atwood, right?" He flipped through a file as Ryan nodded. "Let's see … bar fight, alleged self-defense. Ready to get started?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Why don't you tell me what happened?"

Ryan started the story, recounting the incidents in the line-up and by the bar, and the altercation that got them kicked out.

"When he pushed you, did it make you mad?"

"I wasn't happy with him, no. I was just talking to the girl, she said they were broken up - of course I was going to be mad."

"And when he punched you, were you going to punch him back, before the bouncers intercepted?"

"Yeah." That just seemed like a stupid question.

"So when you got outside, you were still angry with him."

Ryan thought about the question. He hadn't been planning on fighting, but he was certainly still angry. "I guess, yeah."

"And you went into the alley knowing it would result in a fight?"

Again with the stupid questions. "I knew we weren't going in there to talk."

Dr. Kormac made a note in the file. "What were you feeling before you were attacked?"

"I wasn't attacked."

"I thought you had to defend yourself from him."

"Yeah, but I wasn't attacked."

The doctor wrote something else down in his file. "Okay, how were you feeling when you were fighting?"

"I don't know. Just … how I usually feel during a fight."

"Scared?"

"No."

"Excited?"

"No, not excited."

"What then?"

Ryan didn't know how to explain it to this guy who didn't look like he understood was fighting was about. He looked like he'd get a nosebleed just thinking about fighting. "Just… ready. In the moment."

"Not scared."

"No."

"Even though he was bigger and stronger."

Ryan didn't see the point being scared, or what the guy's size mattered. Being scared wouldn't have stopped it. "No."

"What about when he was supposedly choking you? Were you scared he was going to kill you?"

This guy didn't seem to understand. "I wasn't feeling anything. I was just fighting."

"Why'd you kick him? Was it just part of the fight?"

"Yeah, it was part of the fight. What else would it have been? I wanted him to stop choking me. To get him away."

Dr. Kormac wrote a bit more in his file, and then looked over the notes he took and nodded. "All right, Ryan. I think that's all I need for now. Thank you."

Ryan shrugged and then waited for the doctor to leave the room before he got up to find Barry.

Sandy was waiting in Barry's office when Ryan and Barry arrived from the psych consult. Barry stormed through the reception area, throwing open his office door and slamming his briefcase on his desk. Ryan came behind, head down, hands in his pockets.

Sandy followed Barry into the office, where Barry was pacing the length of the office. Finally, he stopped and faced Ryan, who had slouched into a chair. "What was that?"

Ryan didn't respond. He continued staring at the floor, not meeting Barry's eyes.

Sandy had seen Barry incensed at injustices of the world, and he'd seen him get worked while debating issues over beers in bar, but he'd never seen his friend this upset about anything before. Barry paced some more before he came to a full stop again in front of Ryan. "Why have we been working to keep you out of jail, when it's obvious you either don't care or actually want to go to jail. Is that it? Do you want to go to jail?"

"No, I don't want to go to jail."

"Then I don't get it. You tell the DA one thing and you tell us another. So. You wanted to hit him once you got outside the bar, you didn't think he attacked you, you weren't afraid of him, and you didn't think he was going to choke you do death."

"That's not what I said."

Sandy thought Barry was going to burst a blood vessel. "That's exactly what you said. I was watching, remember? So which story is true? The one where he attacked you, or the one where you were both looking for a fight that night?"

"I answered his questions truthfully, like you guys said."

"So you wanted to fight him in the alley?"

"No. I told you that. I was waiting for Seth to come out."

"Then he attacked you?"

"I wasn't attacked.

"Ryan, if you didn't want to fight him, how can you say you weren't attacked?"

"Because I wasn't. I knew he was coming at me and I was ready for him."

Barry slumped into his chair and dropped his head into his hands, looking totally defeated. Finally, he looked up at Sandy. "What do we do with this?"

Ryan was lying outside by the pool when Seth got home from school. His skin was still glistening with water from the swim he'd just finished, and his skin was a nice golden brown.

"Man, this is the life you have," Seth said, dropping into the chaise lounge chair beside him. "Must be nice. School was brutal today."

Ryan didn't react to his presence at all – didn't turn his head, didn't open his eyes, nothing. Seth carried on. "First, we had a pop quiz in English, which I wasn't ready for at all. I think I answered, like, one out of the ten questions. Okay, maybe it was three, but it was sad. Ms. Jackson didn't look pleased when she picked up the papers. I really need to read Wuthering Heights, I know, but it's just so… 'Oh Heathcliff! Oh Catherine!' God. Remember the good old days of children attacking each other on a deserted island? Why can't we read more of that?"

Seth watched Ryan for any sign that he was paying attention. "And then today was supposed to be tuna melts for lunch, but by the time I got there, they were all out. Who's eating all the tuna melts, Ryan? Is it too much to ask that my favorite food be available when I want it?

"But then, the worst? Ms. Meadows assigned presentations for next week. We drew names, and of course, I drew the first slot. I hate presentations, Ryan. Hate them. And to go first? Mine's going to be lame, and then all the little suck-ups will come up with bigger and better presentations and mine will look piddling next to theirs, and I'll get a terrible grade and then USC will revoke its acceptance and my life will be over. You are so lucky you don't have to go to school and deal with all the crap. You get to do all the work from the comfort of home and not put up with any of it."

All of a sudden, Ryan stood up and walked away, without saying a word to Seth.

"Hey, Ryan, where are you going?"

Ryan stopped and cocked his head to the side, the first sign that he had heard Seth at all. He turned around slowly, and Seth could see his jaw was set. He took a deep breath and blew it out. "I'm walking away before the urge to punch you overpowers me." He turned back around and walked into the pool house, slamming the door behind him.

Seth sat there for a few minutes before getting up and following Ryan into the pool house. He knew the trial was stressful, but his dad was going to take care of everything, and once the trial was over, everything would be back to normal. So why not take advantage of the fact that he didn't need to be in school and deal with all the little details? He knocked on the door, and then opened it without waiting for a response. Ryan already had his jeans on and was pulling a t-shirt over his head.

"Go away, Seth. The urge hasn't left me yet."

"Look, I'm sorry, man. But you don't need to be so pissed off."

"Do you think this is fun for me, everyday? Do you forget the reason I'm not allowed to set foot in Harbor?" He took a breath, trying to calm down. "Seth, I killed a man, and I am going to go to prison for a very long time. This isn't fun and games."

Seth didn't understand why Ryan was so concerned. "It's self-defense, and Dad's gonna get you off."

Ryan grabbed a stress ball off the bar and started squeezing it. "Your dad's not my lawyer and I'm not going to get off. Barry's pretty much given up and I don't blame him. The sooner you deal with it, the better. I'm going to prison, Seth." He looked at him straight in the eye. "I am."

Seth shook his head. "No. No, you're not. It wasn't your fault."

"Grow up, Seth. The real world doesn't work like that. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."

"You can't give up."

"I'm not giving up. I'm being realistic." He sat down at his desk, steadying himself. Finally he looked back up. "Did you bring home my trig assignment?"

Seth was incredulous. "You're going to do homework?"

"What else can I do?"

Kirsten came home from a late night at the office to find Sandy already in bed, reading over some papers.

"How'd Ryan's psych consult go today?"

Sandy rubbed the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Not great."

"What happened?"

"Well, I haven't seen the tape yet, but apparently, he told a completely conflicting story to what he told me the first night. Barry wasn't pleased. But, the good news is that in trying to figure out what's going on, I think I figured out what's going on."

Kirsten looked at him questioningly.

"He won't admit he was a victim. When he told me what happened, I knew what he was saying. But when he gets asked questions about it, it all depends on the question. Did he fight willingly? No. But was he attacked? No. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist today asked all the wrong questions."

"So what are you and Barry going to do?"

"We're going to send him to our expert and hope she can figure out what we can do with it."

Ryan walked into Dr. Patel's office. He stopped when he closed the door behind him, unsure of where to go. Dr. Patel stood, and motioned Ryan further in. "Come. Sit." She pointed out his options. "There's a chair, or the couch. And feel free to get up and walk around if you feel like it."

He surveyed his choices. The doctor was sitting in a brown leather chair; he chose to sit in the matching one to her left. The couch was directly across from her and he preferred not having to look at her face-on.

"So you've got yourself into a bit of trouble, huh?" She opened a notepad, and Ryan nodded at her. Realizing she wasn't looking at him, he vocalized his agreement. "Yeah, you could say that."

Dr. Patel smiled. "Talking out loud is always a good thing. I'm voice recording this, so you'll have to try to remember that."

Ryan nodded again, but realized what he did. "Okay."

"Good. Now I've already seen the tape when you were talking to Dr. Kormac, so I'm not going to go into the specifics of the incident right now."

Ryan was surprised. He understood that the psychiatrists were going to be examining his state of mind at the time. Sandy told him it wasn't like going to a real psychiatrist. "I thought this was supposed to be about that night."

"You're right; it is. But what I want to do is just get a feel for who you are to better gauge your reaction to the fight. If you start to get uncomfortable with where we're going, just say and we'll change directions. Does that sound fair?"

"I guess." Ryan wasn't sure he trusted her yet.

"Let's start with the Cohens."

"Why?" Ryan couldn't figure out where she was going with this and he didn't know what she wanted him to say.

Dr. Patel smiled at his resistance. "I just thought we'd start with something you're comfortable with, try to ease you into it. Are you going to question my motives every step of the way?"

"Maybe. If they don't make sense."

She started writing in her notes, talking aloud as she did. "'Too smart for his own good.' All right, now we've got that figured out. How long have you been living with the Cohens?"

Ryan smiled in spite of himself. This doctor was sort of growing on him. Not that he'd admit it to anyone. "Just about two years."

"And do you like it with them?"

"Yeah. What's not to like? They took me in; gave me a home when I had nowhere to go."

"How'd you end up living with them?"

"I'm sure you have that in your files there somewhere."

"You're right; I do. But I want to hear you say how it happened."

Ryan briefly explained about his brother, and the stolen car, and how his mother threw him out. Then Dr. Patel asked him if his mother always threw him out when she was mad at him and Ryan realized they were talking about his mother now, and not the Cohens. It was a slick transition, and he wasn't exactly sure he liked the direction the conversation was heading.

But then she was asking him about the Cohens again, and how they handled discipline. Ryan had to smirk at that, because the Cohens hardly disciplined him at all. Sure, they grounded him every once in a while for lying, or missing curfew, but grounding wasn't that big of a deal and didn't happen very often. Of course, this led her to ask him what kind of discipline would be a big deal. His knee started bouncing as he explained how his father's belt came out whenever he or Trey acted up. In his head he added that they were lucky if it was just his belt.

Before he had to tell her about his mom's slaps and AJ's fists – not that he was going to tell her about his mom's slaps and AJ's fists – she changed the subject again.

"Tell me about school."

"What about it? I've been suspended indefinitely – until I'm not an accused murderer, I guess."

"Before that. Do you like school? What classes do you like?"

"School's all right; I do okay." He figured she had access to his school records and would know exactly how well he was doing. "The guidance counselor found out I had an interest in architecture and signed me up for courses that would help me get in to an architecture program."

"And did they? Help you get in, I mean."

"Yeah. I got a scholarship for the architecture program at USC in the fall. Not that it's going to do me a lot of good now."

"What about extracurricular activities?"

"Yeah. I played soccer. And Seth, my best friend, started a comic book club, so I joined that too."

"Did the Cohens attend any of your games?"

"Most of them. At least one of them was at every game, but usually all three." Ryan was a bit embarrassed to admit this.

"Are those similar interests you had in Chino?"

Ryan's knee started jiggling again. "I played soccer."

"Did your mom go to your games?"

"Nah. She was usually busy – working and stuff. You know how it is."

Dr. Patel nodded. "No comic book club in Chino?"

"Nah, that's Seth's thing. I was in the drama club for a year. But then I quit."

"Yeah? Why'd you quit?"

He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair. "It was stupid."

Dr. Patel studied him for a moment and then wrote some notes. "Okay, Ryan, I think that's good for today. We may have to meet once or twice again before the trial, but I think I have a pretty good handle on everything."

Ryan was surprised and eyed her warily. He felt they hadn't really talked about anything and wondered how anything he said today could be used to help him in the trial. Not that it mattered. Barry and Sandy were still pretty mad at him for the last psych consult, and Barry didn't seem too hopeful in the long run. He'd probably be upset after he heard how fruitless this session had been.

"I'll be meeting with Barry this afternoon to tell him how things went," Dr. Patel said.

Ryan sighed as he left the office. He was glad he wouldn't be around for that meeting.

Barry was waiting in his office with Sandy when Dr. Patel arrived. She sat down and Barry cut right to the chase. "Tell me we have something to work with here."

She smiled at him. "Relax, Barry. Things are definitely salvageable. We had a nice long chat, and I can tell you that he is in no way ready to deal with any of his issues."

"Can we defend him if he doesn't deal with them?" Sandy asked.

"Are you planning on putting him on the stand?"

"No," Barry said. "Not unless we absolutely have to. After his previous two performances with the DA's office, I'd like to avoid it at all costs."

"Then yes, he doesn't need to deal with anything now. But he won't be happy with what we say about him."

"What do we have to say?"

"That as a child of alcoholics and with his history of abuse, his perception of fighting and bullying is different from the average person's. He has a tendency to apologize for things that aren't his fault. He made a decision early in his life that he wasn't a victim, even when he was being attacked. So while he didn't want to fight Jake, once the fight started, he feels he was a willing participant because he can't perceive himself as weak."

"So when the cop asked him what the fight was about…"

"He responded with the superficial reason that he could see, not the underlying fact that Jake was looking for a fight and picking on someone half his size. And he didn't protest the arrest because why would he? He learned growing up that claiming it wasn't his fault would just make the punishment worse."

"And you learned all this from talking to him today?"

"No, I learned all this from reading his social services file, his statements to the police, and his psych interview. Today, I determined how aware he is of how his past affects his actions."

"And?"

"Not at all. I don't believe he's ready to talk about his past in any detail. Which means when we bring these things up in court, he's going to be furious because he won't believe it's true."

Sandy was fascinated to learn what made Ryan tick. "Are you saying he's suppressed his memories?"

"No. I'm saying he doesn't see how his past can affect how he behaves today, or that his behavior is out of the ordinary."

"Okay, so this is good, right?" Sandy was starting to feel hopeful again.

"It's good in the fact that we have a hook again," Barry said. "Now it'll be a matter of if we can convince the jury or not."

"Do we tell Ryan what we're going to be saying about him?" Barry and Sandy looked to Dr. Patel for her opinion.

"You'll have to tell him before I take the stand, or he'll be blindsided and furious, which won't look good to the jury. But I wouldn't tell him yet. I'd wait until just before I take the stand."

When Sandy got home from the meeting, he found Ryan and Seth studying at the kitchen table. "Hey, guys!"

He noticed that Ryan kept his head down, a finger marking the words in his text as he wrote on his paper. Seth popped his head up immediately. "Pops! You're home early today. Playing hooky?"

"Not really. I had a meeting with Barry and Dr. Patel, and it wasn't worth the time to go back to the office." He sat down opposite Ryan, whose pen and finger had ceased their movements at the mention of Barry's name before continuing their tasks. "Don't you want to know how it went?"

Ryan stopped what he was doing and finally looked up at Sandy. "Barry made it pretty clear last time that the case is hopeless, and I can't imagine anything I said to Dr. Patel that would change things." He threw his pen down and closed his text. "I don't know why I'm even bothering."

"You're bothering so you can graduate from high school and go to college." Sandy took a breath and tried to focus. "Look, Ryan, Barry was frustrated the last time you saw him. An affirmative defense can be difficult sometimes. But things are coming together and look promising."

"If you say so." Ryan picked up his books. "I'm going to finish this in the pool house."

Sandy sat with his head in hands. He knew their defense could work, but he also knew that when Ryan learned exactly what they were planning to say, he was going to be even more angry and closed off.

"Dad?"

Sandy picked up his head. He had almost forgotten that Seth was still there.

"Are you and Barry going to get Ryan off? Because you don't look so optimistic right now."

He smiled thinly at Seth. "Trials are tricky things to predict. But if we get a good jury, yeah. I think we can get him off."

Seth nodded, satisfied. "Good."

TBC