Short, sweet, & simple: Annette is still crazy. She still has no life. But she has stolen Bertha's, so everything should be fine and dandy. For Annette at least.
Summary: A flash of light and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don't mean! What's going on? Why is everyone talking as if they were in an XXX movie? Oh, the complicated implications!
Warning:SEX. Lots and lots of SEX. Not sex, but SEX. There will be the mutilation of bodily parts. Well, not mutilation so much as disappearance. Oops, said too much. Watch out for OOC-ism, penises, and the lack of a good plan. Un-beta-ed. But will be beta-ed in the near future. Promise!
Rated: Mustachio! Er, we mean M.
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Mouthing Off
Chapter Two
Ken Doll Anatomy
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The four youths sat despondently in the room, their limbs slung haphazardly over the arms of their comfortable black chairs. They were all wracking their brains for some sort of answer to what was going on. Some sort of plausible reason to their now XXX-rated conversations.
Alas, no one could think of anything.
"Research!" yelled Hermione unexpectedly. "We're all crazy, I can't believe we didn't think about having sex on the cold hard floor in the beginning!"
"Er, say what, Granger?" asked Draco. "You want us to research the many ways we can have sex? Well, the Kama Sutra should be able to help us out," he drawled, picking a book off the table in front of them. A book which hadn't been there seconds ago. "Look, who wants to be on top first?" he asked.
"Malfoy, you stupid bugger, look at what you just did instead of sucking on Ron's nipples! You got a book about sex and every way to do it! We can research that white light before we have rough S&M sex!"
There was a flurry of movement in the room as everyone grabbed a book on white light off the table and started to leaf through it.
"Er, did the white light have anything to do with the intensity of our orgasms? I mean, muggle lights, Hermione?" asked Harry several minutes into their research.
"Electricity doesn't work near magic, Harry. I wish you'd remember how I like to be fondled."
"Er, right, sorry, I forgot how you liked to be fondled. Just got a lot on my mind here."
"Because of course Scar-face, we all know how horrible this lack of brilliant sex is on you. I mean, it's not hard on any of the rest of us, least of all Granger."
"Draco, shut up before I kiss you," answered Hermione, not looking up from her book.
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An hour later, no one had found anything and they had gone through every book which mentioned white light as a symptom of anything…. Apparently white light wasn't a very common side effect.
The only thing Hermione could think of was that maybe they had all had simultaneous near-death experiences and survived with sexy consequences. Something which just didn't happen in the wizarding world or in the muggle world for that matter.
"I don't get it! How can they not have detailed diagrams of guys going down on each other?" screamed Hermione. "Argh, I mean information on white, virginal light that can be used to create ambiance while fucking."
"Well Granger, maybe it's because nothing this drastically full of sex and orgies and bondage has ever happened before," answered Draco who was lounging in his chair.
Hermione pushed her hair behind her ears. "I don't see how you can be so calm about not having sex with Ron and Harry right now. Every other sentence out of our mouths is full of sexual connotations! If someone hears us moaning and groaning, who knows what will happen?"
"Granger, you devious vixen, why don't you just shut your mouth and see if you can hold in your sexual gibberish if it bothers you so much?"
"Draco!" screamed Hermione. "You excruciatingly drop-dead sexy specimen of a human male! You're a genius at oral sex!"
"Er… has she gone crazy from lack of sex?" asked Ron, glancing over at Harry. "I told you it was going to happen one day, Harry, you who are gloriously tanned."
"Ron, you and your sexy red hair are so wrong! I haven't gone crazy! I can't believe we didn't think of the idea of licking each other's necks yet! Quick, Draco, you sensual beast, say something but don't say the sex part!"
Draco stared at Hermione. "Why me?" he asked.
"Because it was your golden-haired lovely smelling head that thought of it."
"Fine," he snorted. "What the bloody hell am I supposed to say? I mean it's not like I want to—" Draco double over in the couch. "Ow!" he yelled, looking away from them, now sitting straight in the chair, his eyes directed at his knees. "Bloody hell, that's sure as hell never happened before when I—" He doubled over again, only this time, they could all see the expression contorting his face was something between pained and confused.
"What's wrong, Draco," asked Hermione. "Are you beautiful intestines in pain? Your face is contorting as if you were set to have sex with a woman and realized that it she were actually a man... or a well disguised troll!"
Draco didn't say anything. He just kept the same wondering expression on his face. And then he started to pull off his robes.
"Argh, Ferret, what are you doing?" screamed Ron, grabbing Hermione and spinning her around. "Stop taking off your clothes, you seductively kissable freak of a ferret! Hermione's right here!"
Draco just pulled off his robes and threw them to the ground and started taking off his pants, all the while looking more and more pale.
Hermione turned around. "Honestly Ron, you fetching chap, you'd think I'd never seen a guy's penis before!"
"What?" yelped Ron. "Who's penis did you see?" he asked.
"Oh, nobody you – Merlin! Draco, what's happened to your manly genitals?" screamed Hermione, making both Harry and Ron focus their attention on Draco.
"Bugger…" whispered Ron. "Your cock, it's… not as big as I thought it was. I mean, it's missing the entire end!"
"Granger, you bitch," hissed Draco. "Care to explain this? Ow!" he hissed, bending over again. When he straightened, he was still glaring at Hermione, but his penis was now missing ever more of its length.
Not only was the tip missing, but it also looked like Draco didn't have a penis at all. His testicles hung down framing a small stump.
"Sick," moaned Harry, stepping back, his hand inadvertently reaching for his own crotch.
"Fix it, Granger, you disgustingly beautiful mink!" he snarled. "Now, before I get over their and shove what's left of my cock up your ass and fuck you so hard that your mother's mother can feel it! Hey!" he yelled after his outburst, looking down at his penis. "Oh, would you look at that, it came back."
And sure enough, Draco's penis had reappeared.
"Er…" said Hermione. "I suppose now we all know what happens when we refrain from saying the sex… things. Oh Draco, you traffic-stopping beauty, I am so sorry, I didn't know that would happen! But at least we know that your penis will come back after you say something shockingly sexy!"
"Right," he snarled, "but I make the best guinea pig because I'm blonde, beautiful, and horrifyingly attractive." He pulled his pants and boxers back on as he spoke. "I vote that all of you go through that incredibly sexy ordeal right now. It's only fair that you guys feel the intense pleasure of an orgasm brought on my hands as well."
The others agreed. Harry and Ron went first, both of their faces contorting when their penises shrank. When asked how it felt, they both described it as "odd, almost as if something was going missing."
No duh boys, thought Hermione as she prepared herself to also go through with the ordeal. She took off her robes as well and stood in front of the boys clad in a red blouse and jeans. The boys had taken off their robes for when they changed and the lack of a bulge in Harry leather pants had been very obvious.
Who would have thought Harry'd wear leather pants? Who?
"So, Granger," sniggered Draco, "what do you think is going to happen to your foxy body? Grow a penis? Watch out for a large and hard bulge, boys."
"Shut up, Draco, you stupid shit of a ferret!" she snarled back. "I wish you'd go back to the sewers you were born from you – Oh!" She put her hands to her chest and blinked. It indeed had felt as though she were missing something. But not from her crotch. "This feels really, really gross, I mean – Ow!" She gritted her teeth. Oh yeah, that had hurt.
"Move your hands from your beautiful breasts, Granger," sneered Draco. "What's going on up there?"
Hermione moved her hands away from her chest. "I do believe I've lost my breasts," she said, laughing slightly. "Oh, this is disgusting," she murmured, opening the buttons of her shirt.
"Hermione!" screamed Ron as he covered his eyes. "Don't show us your enchantingly seductive chest!"
"It's not very enchanting right now, Ron," she stated, looking down at herself. "I look like a Ken doll!" she yelled. "Ow!"
"Ew," said Harry, standing up and rubbing his hand across her now-flat and nipple-less chest.
"Gees, Harry!" she yelped, pulling back and shutting her shirt over her empty bra. "I may not have arousingly large breasts right now, but that doesn't mean you can rub your lewd hands over my chest!"
"Oh, er, sorry," he said sheepishly. "I was just, kind of surprised by the lack of uh… arousingly large breasts."
Hermione got her breasts back (by telling Draco and Harry and Ron just where she wanted certain parts of their bodies to be in relation to her own body) and everyone settled back into their chairs.
"So," she started. "Lunch finished half an hour ago when we were practicing how to put condoms on each other. We can miss the rest of Sex Ed class and go to our last two classes which is N.E.W.T.S Potions for erotic Harry, intoxicating Draco, and myself, and Advanced Divination for naughty Ron.
"We have to stay in here until Sex Ed class ends so we don't look raunchy walking down the halls. After classes, come back here immediately so that no one notices our extreme sexiness. And in class, the best we can do is keep our mouths shut and our hands busy. And not a filthy word to anyone about this or else everyone else gets to rape said snitch to death.
"Right, so let's just try making love while researching the white light again," she finished, pulling books off the table.
"You are such a dominatrix, Hermione," said Ron. "Just a bloody dominatrix."
"Ronald, you submissive, premature ejaculator, keep your mouth shut and keep researching," said Hermione, not looking up from her book.
"Cassé, good-looking Weasel. Cassé," murmured Draco as he turned a page causing both Harry and Ron to look at him while Hermione just blushed.
"Oh, you shut up, too, Draco, you sexily arousing ferret of a man," spat Hermione before they all fell silent. "Let's all just try to stay relatively peaceful until class ends, okay?"
She was answered by the flipping of several pages.
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Review Responses.
Warning, reviews may be c/rude in nature. And offensive. And more than slightly perverted.
If you are offended, the white light says sorry. (But it's going to take it back after you turn around.)
flower-on-thewind: Annette loves you, you magical first reviewer. It is bloody brilliant, isn't it? 'Least, that's what Annette thinks. (Oh god, I'm talking in third person. Oh well…) We will not give up on this fic! Never!
Fantastical Ebony Queen Black: You do know that "fantastical" means imaginary in ye olde English right? It does. You are, in essence, Nonexistent Black Queen Black. The good disturbed is the best kind of disturbed. We love being disturbed. (Well, Annette does.) In character? Yes… yes, it was… wasn't it? Kind of creepy.
girltraveler: You were laughing so hard that… you fell out of your chair and sprayed milk out of your nose at the same time! Right? We bet that's what happened. Either that or you laughed a lung up and had to rush yourself to the hospital because you couldn't find a phone anywhere to call an ambulance.
Vanessa Masterson: You have a real name. We love that. Excuse us while we Google you. You seem indecisive about whether this fic is good or not. Maybe we don't want to Google you. Nope, we don't. However, if it makes you feel better, we think your use of "OMFG" was totally called for and we give you props for opening with it.
Aussie Trebs: Annette thinks your last name is a clever anagram of "Bert's" but without the apostrophe. Thought you could trick her, eh, Bert? You crazy aussie. We're very pleased that you laughed your fucking ass off. It's wonderful that we can bring these kinds of reactions out of people.
Abyme: Annette has no clue as to what your name could be a clever anagram for. However, she would like to take this time to explain that "clever anagram" is a phrase stolen from Bertha. (My Abe… Me, Bay…) Doesn't everyone want to know what happens to them? Here, let us tell you. In the next chapter, Draco, Harry, Ron, and Hermione will have a massive orgy involving—what? Oh… apparently the outline's under revision. Sorry, can't tell you what's going to happen if we don't have it planned!
miyazawa kino: We know.
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Annette still blames the white light. And yes, there is a plot! It's just hiding… somewhere. Look, it's coming up. Soon. Until then, blame the white light. And if thing still go wrong… it's still the white light's fault!