1It's Only a Dream
After " In the Clamor and the Clanger." Lorelai's journey to Luke.
Consider it disclaimed.
"Why do you care?"
"I care."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want you to move."
"Why? Why don't you want me to move?" Luke snarls sarcastically.
"I just don't," I shout.
"Why?" he shouts back.
I won't even tell myself the answer to that question. And HE wants an explanation. We don't go there. We've never gone there. DENIAL has always been in capital letters between us. I feel angry and antsy and unbelievably sad. He does not want this. He doesn't want my honesty. I so seldom give it to him anyway. It's usually tucked behind the sarcasm and humor. What can I say to him. That I'm insanely jealous of Nicole. That I've been unhappy since I came back from Europe and found him married. That he was supposed to wait for me forever.
I turn quickly to leave, but he's not giving up that easily this time. He catches up to me and grabs my arm, spins me around. I can feel his strong but gentle grip.
"You're not running away this time. I want a reason. I want to know what you're thinking," Luke asks determined..
I see the anger in his face and I don't blame him. I'm pushing it. I'm pushing him. I'm butting into his life. I want to make him angry. Somehow even his anger feels like something. What is wrong with me. Defeated, I just stare into his eyes.
"Don't Luke, please," I whisper.
I see the anger in his face being replaced by confusion and then compassion. Somehow he always sees inside me. He's ultimately the one person that I can't really hide from. I know what he's asking for. Doesn't he know that it's too much. I look away before he reads my mind. He takes a step closer, runs his hand down my arm. His determination is frightening. I can feel his breath on my hair as he leans in and says softly, in merely a whisper.
"Why?"
His gentleness has always been my weakness. Why can't he continue shouting? I can handle the angry ranting Luke. But the gentle Luke has my eyes misting, my body trembling. His hands make gentle strokes down my arms as he tries to unconsciously sooth me. He's trying to let me know that our argument is over. That he's not angry at me anymore.
He drops his hands and I know he's going to take that step back. He always takes that step back when we get too close.
He starts to move and I clutch at his jacket, unable to stop myself. I don't want to let go. I don't want him to leave. It's quite and dark in the church. We're totally alone, and we're seldom alone. A feeling of longing has swept from my toes to my head. With a groan I blindly search out his lips. With a moan I softy run my tongue across his. With an ache so acute I wrap my arms around him, bury my head in his neck and let the tears fall.
And before I can stop myself I find myself whispering in his ear:
"It wasn't supposed to be like this."
The sudden ringing has me rolling, grabbing the alarm and landing soundly on the floor. Laying there looking up at the ceiling I'm shocked awake. Why do I always dream about Luke after we have a fight?
It hurt. When he told me he moved to Litchfield it hurt, and I didn't see it coming. Not the move or the pain. I thought we were friends. Friends tell each other things. At least where they are living. I remember when I told him I had few people who would always be in my life. People that I would always be there for, that would always be there for me. I thought he'd always be there for me. I thought he'd always be here for me. I don't want him to move. I don't want him to move on. Selfish Lorelai.
But he didn't really move did he? Thus the fight. Ahhhhhgghhg! Things are not good with Nicole. He really didn't need me to point that out. What did he say in the driveway? Everything is not always about me.
I smile, as I remember the dream instead of the argument. I kissed Luke. Well, I kissed dream Luke. All very dramatic of me. Rory would have so much fun with this dream..
I can hear her now, "You are secretly in love with Luke. Told you that the last time."
"Wrong answer."
"You are seriously addicted to coffee, and are terrified of losing your daily fix."
"Well, I knew I was terrified of losing something. That must be it. I really have to cut down on the coffee."
I climb off the floor and get ready to face the day. I owe someone an apology.
Getting out of the jeep I plant my good morning Stars Hollow smile on my face and head to the diner. When he looks up and the door bells chime, I know he's not expecting me. Thank God he looks relieved.
"Hey, gotta have the coffee."
"Coming right up."
Lorelai, did you hear the bells this morning? I keep hearing the bells and everyone says that someone broke the bells... I think it's the tinitus," Kirk asks.
"No Kirk, I haven't heard the bells," I answered.
Luke approaches with my favorite cup.
"So... the truth is out there, isn't it," I smile.
"Scully and Mulder?" he questions with a shake of his head.
"Hey, I thought I'd die my hair red, and get all brainy. You could walk around
looking confused and geeky. What do you say?"
"I like your hair the way it is."
"Hey, Luuuuke."
"Yeah."
"We ok?"
"Yeah," with a slight smile.
"You're ok?"
"I'm fine," a little grumpily.
"I need to tell you something. Apologize."
"You don't have to do this Lorelai. It's ok."
"No, it's not. You were right. Everything is not always about me. I wasn't respecting that you're in a relationship. That you're trying to make a relationship work. That you're that guy. That commitment guy. I should've respected that. I do respect that. I won't but into your business again."
"Yes you will," he smirked.
"You're enjoying this."
And there it was - that smirk. The one I had been waiting for. Hey I've spent most of our relationship mocking him about one thing or another. I certainly deserve that smirk.
"A little," he answers. "I'm so seldom right."
I can't help but grin. His smirk turns into that rare smile and I can feel the blush rising in my cheeks. He looks at me with confusion, but I just shake my head and laugh to myself, at myself. Humor restored.
"So, when are you moving the diner to Litchfield?" I quietly heckle.
"Go to work, Lorelai. I'll see you tomorrow," he answers gently.
"Just checking."
As I walk out the door, I know everything is back in it's place. All's right with my world. After all - a dream is just a dream. Right?