The dream always starts out the same. . .
"Would you like to dance?"
I can feel the cool summer air on my skin. Every nerve ending is alive as I place my hand in his. My skin feels warm where his hand touches my waist. We tentatively move to the music and my nerves make me laugh. This is Luke and Luke can waltz.
He twirls me around and suddenly the sun is shining. I look down at my dress and it's white, and flowing and Luke looks so handsome in his tux. We twirl and twirl to the music staring into each other's eyes. I see then what I saw so long ago when he told me he was "all in." I see the love.
I look back at him wanting him to see the love in mine. I begin to say the words but I can tell he can't hear me. I'm shouting now but still he can't hear me. He slowly shakes his head and I can't feel his touch anymore. He's fading away and I reach out to grasp him but he's gone...
"Luke, don't go," I whisper in the dark.
I wake up shaking, reaching for him, trying to wake from the nightmare. He's not here. He's not coming back. It's too much. I'm too much..
I've always been too much work. Haven't my parents been telling me that for years? It's too hard to understand you Lorelai, it's too hard to support you Lorelai, it's too hard to love you Lorelai.
I practically moved in with him, insisting on staying over even when he had to get up early. I wanted to be with him. I never wanted to be without him. I wanted too much.
I wasn't honest with him. I lied to him about Christopher. I didn't trust him. I hurt him. I hurt him too much.
I never told him. I never told him I was all in until he was walking out the door. Why couldn't he tell? Why couldn't he see it? I thought I let my actions speak, damn it. It wasn't enough. I should have told him. I didn't trust him enough.
I should have warned him about Emily. He wasn't prepared. I should have known better. I let them embarrass him. I didn't protect him enough.
Too much... not enough...
It's been week's since the breakup. Rory's got a new guy. Sookie's ready to have kid number two. And me, I have cats coming to the house again. I curl up on the couch ready for major movie crying night. It's just you and me Judy and the men that got away.
When the doorbell rang I didn't expect it to be Luke. When he grabbed me for the first kiss he almost knocked me off my feet. I never wanted to let go, but reason and sanity set in quickly.
"Luke, you can't just . . ."
Kiss number two was softer, slower, sweeter and I clung for a moment trying to just drink in the sensation of having Luke here. I could feel the tears forming but I was determined not to cry.
"Luke, please, I need to know what you're thinking?"
As soon as the words came out we both froze in place. Remembering the last time I asked him that. Remembering the last time he answered. I closed my eyes against the pain, bracing for his answer.
He rested in forehead against mine, holding me close. I'm sure he could feel me shaking.
"ALL IN means... no matter what."
"But Luke, you were right, there will always be something. My mother. Rory. My life isn't simple. I understood the too much. I did."
"No matter what. No matter who. No matter why. I'll never walk away again."
"I want to believe that. I need to believe that."
Curled up in bed with Luke's arm around me I feel content, safe.
"Luke, I'm ALL IN."
"No matter what?"
"No matter what."
I'm going to enjoy our middle."
"Yeah, me too."
"I've been having these dreams."
"Twins, again?."
"No, nightmares kind of. We're dancing, first at Liz's wedding, then it turns into ours. We're happy. We're smiling. We're dancing. Then you just start fading away. And I can't see you or touch you, you're gone and it's dark and I'm alone...and..."
"Shhhh," he whispers kissing me softly on the temple. "I'm right here. I'll always be right here."
"Promise."
"Promise."
"It's only a dream, right?"
"Yes, It's Only a Dream."
THE END