Chapter one: First Attempt

Staring silently into the bathroom mirror, feeling numb and empty from another dream about Hiei in which the fire-demon turned his back on him, Kurama studied his blank expression, feeling the desperation and hunger burning inside of him. He needed Hiei—needed to see and touch the fire-demon in person rather than just clinging to a memory of someone unreal and foreign to how Hiei usually was. Maybe Kurama had fooled himself into thinking that Hiei though of him as more than casual lovers—he knew Hiei had held back when they gave each other the demon mating bites on each one's shoulder, but Kurama thought nothing of it until this moment.

Was Hiei ever going to come back?

Had Kurama only been someone to kill time with for the firedemon? On, god, he hoped not, that would mean all the energy Kurama had put into sealing their union had been wasted, if Hiei hadn't been serious about his and Kurama's relationship, then that meant the fox-demon had been duped most severely.

"Hiei…." Kurama whispered, tears welling up in his intense green eyes, his body shuddering from fear of what Hiei's long absence meant—the fire-demon had only been gone a year and a half but Kurama still felt his doubt causing his faith in the fire-demon's love to waver. Why didn't Hiei come back to him? Couldn't the fire-demon sense how much Kurama needed him? Didn't he want to help his fox, as the fire-demon often called Kurama? Kurama needed someone to hold him, someone who knew and would understand—but neither he nor Hiei told anyone of their relationship, although Kurama suspected Genkai was aware that the fox-demon and fire-demon had been lovers. However, Kurama couldn't be sure, and anyway, how could he sneak out to Genkai's now? It was past midnight, and surely the old psychic would be asleep same as everyone else was—everyone except Kurama.

There was no one he could explain his thoughts and feelings to, if it'd been about a girl it'd be easier, but Hiei was male like him, so how could he bring that up with anyone in his family? How would they treat him if they knew? Would anyone understand? Kurama highly doubted anyone would, though he couldn't give up hoping for someone to come along in whom he could confide his secrets.

Over the past month of so Kurama had tried to muster the courage to tell someone what he was thinking—that his life was meaningless without Hiei. What truly did it matter that he was the smartest in his grade at school, so what if he could use his knowledge to make a good life for himself—he didn't want anything in life except to have his fire-demon with him forever and for always, never to separate. But Hiei was gone and all that seemed to face Kurama in the future was a mundane life as a doctor or scientist—a life that could be filled by any ordinary human, Kurama wasn't needed for any significant purpose in this world, he didn't even belong in this world. So how could his life without Hiei be justified?

"It can't…." Kurama muttered letting the tears fall from his eyes, his whole heart breaking from all of his insecurities he ignored during the daylight hours—he never showed a single one of his doubts to anyone he encountered, preferring to deal with them by himself. Now they overwhelmed him, pushing him beyond his tolerance, forcing the darker thoughts into his consciousness.

'Maybe I shouldn't remain here, maybe I should just end it….' Kurama trembled feeling lost and hopeless in his forlorn solitude absentmindedly searching through the bathroom's medicine cabinet for what he needed—a bottle of high dosage aspirin. It would be the quietest way, and easiest, without much pain, but…. "Only two…." Kurama mumbled after checking the only bottle of aspirin he found, only two pills remain, not enough to even kill a normal human, and Kurama's body was highly resistant to most hazardous things for humans. More was needed to kill him than was needed to kill a normal human.

Sighing, Kurama put the vial back in the medicine cabinet, which was empty except for that vial, and closed the mirrored door, staring at his tear-stained face once again in the mirror. Hiei…why wasn't the fire-demon here now? Didn't he care enough? Would he even care if Kurama killed himself? Would hiei ever even know if he did? Thinking about how alone, about how lost he was without his fire-demon beside him, a sob escaped Kurama's throat—a soft one but in the nighttime silence it echoed loudly—at least loud enough to be heard by anyone just outside the bathroom. And sure enough…

"Shuuichi? Is everything all right?" His mother asked knocking softly on the bathroom door, before she spoke, worry in her caring voice. "I though I heard you crying."

"I'm fine, mom, you should go back to bed, you need your rest." Kurama replied in a falsely contented voice, wanting to, but unable to confess to her anything—he didn't want to hurt her in anyway.

So why are you trying to kill yourself? A voice in his mind spoke, harsh and cold. It'd devastate her. The voice, his Youko personality revealed, disgusted with his more humane side's weakness.

I guess it would…what can I do?

Go back to sleep, you can think about this tomorrow. Youko replied, and that seemed to settle it for now—Kurama couldn't bear to hurt his mother, and Shiori would be horribly devastated if Kurama committed suicide—his pain wasn't that great yet. Besides, hiei may eventually come back; all he'd have to do was wait and see.

Splashing cold water on his face to cover up the fact that he'd been crying, Kurama left the bathroom, reassuring his mother that he was all right before heading back to his bedroom to sleep.

Lying on his bed for close to twenty minutes, unable to get back to sleep, Kurama stared up at his room's ceiling, realizing then that he hadn't done his homework yet—he'd been too exhausted. But now since he couldn't get back to sleep, he might as well do it, since if it didn't get done everyone would begin worrying about him anyway—Kurama never missed doing a homework assignment before, so everyone would be alarmed if he did now. And Kurama was sure his mother would worry more about him these next few days since she'd heard him crying in the bathroom—so it would be best for the fox-demon not to draw attention to himself for a while.

Though, it was stupid really, to do something simple like homework after searching for a way to kill yourself—as though something so normal like homework could make any difference to someone who didn't want to live until the next day. It was almost ludicrous. Why should he even try anymore?

"So everyone will be happy." He whispered still staring at his ceiling, not wanting to move even though he kept telling himself to get up and do his homework.

Everyone? No, he wouldn't be happy, not until hiei was back at least, but there was no telling when that would be. What should he do? The more he thought about it the more clear it became—if he killed himself all his worry would go away, and while his family would grieve, their sadness was sure to numb over time—wasn't it? Yes, their grief was sure to dissipate over time, though his mother would be the hardest hit by his death—especially his suicide, but she was sure to recover from it—wasn't she?

How did mothers act after losing a child? Kurama never saw a grieving human mother firsthand before—what was that like? He figured it'd be harder to get over than a normal grief, but how much so? Would it even matter?

Yes, it would, especially to you. Youko whispered in his thoughts, reminding him of that night a while ago when he used the mirror of darkness Forlorn Hope in dubbed Anime to save Shiori from that fatal illness, planning on sacrificing his own life to save hers in order to repay her for caring and loving him so much. If it hadn't been for Yusuke he'd already be dead, but the then rookie Spirit Detective had offered some of his own life to the mirror in replace of Kurama's—saving Shiori and Kurama's lives with his stubborn recklessness.

Kurama was forever grateful, remembering then what Yusuke had said to him, telling the Spirit Fox that no woman should suffer the agony of losing a child, something Kurama had wondered how the Spirit Detective knew until he found out about how Yusuke had died before. Yusuke had seen his own mother grieve for him—a woman Kurama perceived as flamboyant, carefree and irresponsible had cried excessively for her son, and Yusuke had seen this firsthand. So maybe Kurama should take his words to heart—even if Shiori wasn't his real mother, she perceived him as her real son and to take what she loved so dearly away from her would hurt both of them immensely.

The Spirit Fox still felt as though he owed Shiori—that human woman would've gladly given her life to protect him, her son, (even if that was only by a deception) from harm. Seldom was such self-sacrifice seen—even in the human world. Kurama owed Shiori so much, he'd seen enough of the human world to know that while most mothers did care as deeply for their offspring as Shiori cared for him, there were some who didn't, and the fact that Shiori kept him, raising him on her own after his father's death even though it'd been easier to give him up form adoption, touched Kurama's demon heart deeply. He doubt if he could ever repay that debt.

You won't repay it by killing yourself. Youko whispered, interrupting Kurama's thoughts again—lately his Youko side showed more independence from him possibly a result of Kurama having to cut that part of him away from his core personality. You'd only make it worse. Get a hold of yourself, you never were this weak before, emotionally wise. You need to get tougher—even after Kurounue died you weren't this depressed.

But he died, there's a difference between death and abandonment. Kurama whispered back to Youko, trying not to cry as he thought of Kurounue as well—that demon had been his lover back when he was still Youko, and his death had devastated the Spirit Fox, but he never thought seriously about killing himself back then, after all, Kurounue could be reborn again, and when he was they could begin where they left off. This incident with hiei was different, the fire-demon wasn't dead (Kurama assumed) and so could return at anytime (presuming he wasn't trapped somewhere) so Hiei's failure to return was by choice—he had abandoned Kurama, so even if they met again, it didn't guarantee they'd be together.

Just summon him then. He'd be forced to come.

But then I wouldn't know if he truly cared—I want him to come back on his own—besides, what if he is trapped somewhere? He would suffer unspeakable pain for being unable to comply with the summon—and I couldn't bear to hurt him like that.

Urgh! Fine then, go to sleep or something and quit dwelling on killing yourself—it's morbid even for a murderous demon to think about.

Finally feeling drowsy, Kurama yawned, closed his eyes and fell asleep, shivering even though no breeze blew through the room and the air temp was warm.

Outside the bedroom door Shiori listened to the telltale pattern of breathing that revealed when her son truly slept, worry in her eyes as she continued to wait even after Shuuichi fell asleep, just in case.

It wasn't as though there were any vivid telltale signs that would cause a red flag to go up, but Shiori instinctively feared for her son's life—he had been slowly falling behind in school, there was no significant grade decrease, but it slowly decreased at a gradual pace, and the teachers informed her that Shuuichi appeared emotionally different lately—though they assumed it was because of the exams and such. But somewhere inside her heart Shiori knew something was amiss with her son—mother's intuition told her to look out for Shuuichi even if she had to protect him from himself.

So clutching a small plastic sandwich bag filled with the aspirin she removed from the vial earlier in the day