Disclaimer: don't own 'em, never will.
Warnings/Pairings: language, Trowa POV, venting, 2+5, previous 4x3
Sequel to 'Not the End of the World: Part 1', but can be read as a stand alone piece.
The story so far: 2 years after the war of AC 195 (EW didn't happen), Quatre has recently called off his and Trowa's faultering relationship. In theory, it was what Trowa wanted, but since when has practise been so simple? As Trowa mused over the situation, Duo, not the closest of his friends, knocked on his door. Trowa went to answer, despite the odd sense of foreboding at the arrival.
Contrast, Adaptation and Masking.
I'm on a train. What do you mean, wasn't Duo at my door? Precisely. Which is why I'm on a train. Being obtuse. I'm too angry to explain just now. I'm sitting wishing I wasn't on a train. Sort of.
My ears pop as we enter a short tunnel, and there's an annoying 'ding-dong' of the intercom of the train steward for the duration of this journey, Michael. I know that's his name because he's introduced himself at every opportunity. This time he's telling us which changes to make for various places I don't want to get to and apologising for the delay due to leaves on the track. To be truthful I am neither bothered about how long this journey takes, nor where I end up. Michael's annoying distractions are, in fairness to him, not distracting me from anything in particular.
If I was being petty, which I probably am, I could complain he was making it hard for me to hear the couple in front of me. They're talking rather loudly, but also listening to music, despite the fact that this is a 'Quiet Zone' and so 'phones, laptops and players aren't technically allowed. I don't want to hear their twittering, but I'm feeling deservedly masochistic, so I'm trying to listen anyway. Derogatory and sarcastic? Two of my best qualities I assure you.
My favourite couple seem to be returning from boarding schools, he from the army, but the woman I'm not sure about. That's what I was trying to discern when Michael so rudely interrupted me. Now she's gone off on a tangent about the lovely rabbits which can be seen hopping about surprisingly calmly as the train pulls up to the platform in the middle of nowhere. We're not more than 10 metres from some of them; it's amazing what creatures can get used to. I smile at the thought of the circus and the animals there; Cathy emailed me about her promotion last week. But the smile resolves to my mask for this trip, a friendly 'don't bother me' grimace as I recall what I'm doing here. I just wish… No, actually I don't, wishing is not a good idea while I'm so unfocused. It takes a lot to get me riled up usually. This was such a little thing too. I wish I wasn't so confused. Oops.
I turn to stare out of the window for want of a better pastime. The sun glares sharp and yellow-grey over the flats that break up the cityscape horizon as we pull into the next station, apparently the previous stop was the outskirts, hence the relatively short journey to the city central. I wonder idly how many stops to my station. Michael chimes in with all information but the answer to my question. Typical. Not that it matters, I'm going to the end of the line anyway. As we leave the platform behind, the building outside are close enough to read their graffiti and observe the crumbling mortar between dirty red bricks.
The accents of my mystery couple are grating. She's started a tirade about the mayonnaise in a chicken sandwich. I wish she's go back to the quasi singing produced as she was attempting to accompany her music. It's all just serving to keep me annoyed, tense and unreasonable. At least the guy next to me isn't a talker. I've made it really easy for him not to talk to me by not looking at him or even remotely in his direction since he sat down. Time passes, as I amuse myself by exerting the effort to not strangle the girl in front. Oh good, at the next 'ding-dong', my neighbour stands and fished out his luggage from the overhead. But I don't feel all that relieved to tell you the truth. It's an odd feeling I get in a failed social situation, a sickly guilt and revulsion. And yet it is a testament to my developing social skills and graces that I no longer freeze at the prospect of someone sitting in such close proximity. I still get uncomfortable and awkward, but I could probably cope with a simple conversation now. Pissyness not withstanding.
I realised a while ago that I want to write a novel some day. I don't know what about yet, I just want that feeling of achievement I assume one must get from such an endeavour. I like words so much more when they're on paper. I should not be allowed to conduct relationships in person, I'm never who I want to be then. I stop before getting any further with that one. Back to the up front entertainment. Oh god, now they're discussing with twin tones of disbelief how many Mancunians there are in Manchester. That's it.
I stand abruptly, narrowly avoiding too-low luggage rack and wander through to the next carriage. My mind is flitting even more erratically than usual now. You've come to expect it though, haven't you? Bollocks to it, you try fighting armies in a mobile suit, infiltrating enemy strongholds and suffering from amnesia at 15 and see how much sense you make. I wonder what Duo's doing now. I hope Wufei got in touch. Hilde will look after him. Hilde and her friend Shorya will keep him calm. Just like I'm not doing.
'Her friend Shorya'. I'm such a loser. You know, I never even had a problem with my sexuality until yesterday. Or was it this morning? How could I do it, any of it? Blaming the alcohol helps explain the actions but not the emotions alongside them. Falling hard and too fast for a stranger. How much have I lost to allow that? She was new and exciting and I'm so angry right now? What the fuck am I doing? How do I tell Quatre?
Alright, I'll explain…
Duo slipped into my apartment when I called out "It's open." The resignation in my tone was obvious to us both. But I was in a strange mood. I leaned against the wall of my hallway, not folding my arms in a position that implied me being closed off and unreceptive to whatever he had to say. Just waiting. His face was shadowed as he entered, expression guarded. There was a silence before he spoke. It didn't hurt, but it didn't help either.
"You busy?" he ventured. I shook my head. There was a strange look between us then, before I decided to be nice and hosty.
"Come in," I moved towards the main room. "What's up?"
Duo passed me where I stood, entering the main room. He took a seat on my crappy sofa, leaving me my comfy chair, the only indulgence of my furniture purchases, I wasn't sure how long I'd be here when I'd moved in last year. I sat down too, folding my legs underneath me. I'd offer him a drink later if he was still here. He spoke on cue.
"Fei's on a mission, him and Heero. They haven't reported in." Duo didn't need to state the obvious, he was worried sick. Observant as I pride myself on being, if you'd asked me directly after the war who was the biggest worrier of the five of us ex-pilots, I would have pegged Quatre for definite. Now I know that Quatre worries about anything and everything at random, whereas Duo is more consistent and persistent. Admittedly, Wufei and Heero both failing to check in at a scheduled time while on a mission was indeed odd. Normally Duo would have gone to Quatre with this stuff.
"I know we aren't that close," Duo confirmed for me, "but I kinda need someone to talk to and, well, Quatre's…" he didn't finish that, probably didn't want to say 'bad' or 'upset', I knew though, Wufei had told me. Once again I made it easy for Duo.
"He doesn't need something else to deal with right now. It's fine Duo, are you … gonna be okay?"
Duo nodded, but his expression hadn't really changed since he arrived. I schooled my own features back into a blank. I try not to do it so much anymore, appear nonplussed when I'm not. It's scary, the ease with which I can pull it off, put a mask on that says 'ignore me'. Just like during the war. People are often quizzical about how I infiltrated Oz with such an unusual hairstyle. It's easy for people to ignore even peculiar hair or dress, if you show them nothing of yourself in your face. We sat in silence for a while, as I listened to Duo's silent lie and he watched mine.
I pondered going to university. I'd taken the tests and interviewed, a thoroughly unpleasant experience, and secured a place. Term started soon now, I'd been so busy with Quatre, it had snuck up on me. I was surprised that Wufei hadn't wanted to continue his studies after the war. One of the first things I learned about him on Peacemillion was that he had been a scholar. I think he felt it safe to tell me, who had no memories to compare him to of judge him against, of his love of the pursuit of knowledge. So why not go back to that? He explained that, having gained a new perspective on the world and space, he felt that he would be too frustrated with such dusty historical accounts as he had been used to. He was sure that such sheltered opinions and inexperienced points of view would only depress him now. And he felt the need to continue to 'aid the cause' I'm sure. It was one of the things Duo loved about him the most.
I moved, on a compulsion, to sit next to Duo on the sofa, offering a shoulder openly, little reserved. He took advantage of the invitation and put his arms around me, burying his face in my polo shirt sleeve. I stroked his back selfishly, feeling slightly guilty at my eagerness at this caress but enjoying it anyway. Intimacy was something that Quatre got me addicted to. Despite my love of solitude, too much, too little human contact caused an ache in me, which Duo soothed so well. I felt I should give him some more back.
"You can stay for dinner if you like," I offered. "I haven't decided what to have yet though." He pulled back a little, but still held me loosely at the waist. Stereotypical tactile L2 baby. What such stereotyping made me, I wasn't sure. I fitted the reserved, solemn profile of L1 more than L3 where I've spent more of my time. Duo's eyes were suspiciously bright but he finally looked hopeful.
"Thanks a lot man, I really do appreciate this," he told me honestly. "I wish 'Fei hadn't gone, but then I always do." He looked a little sheepish, Duo might love that Wufei feels such a need to help people, but it didn't make him any happier about the danger Chang put himself in regularly. He drew back from me completely to rest up against the arm of the sofa; I felt a pang as his touch faded from my sides. I stood up.
"Une or Sally know you're here?" I asked, ex-pilots were informed of mission updates by such high status individuals. Duo shook his head.
"Won't matter, I wasn't home when Sal called, she has my mobile." He looked a long way up at me from the couch, I've grown a lot since the end of war, and I was already the tallest of us during it. He was considering me, I realised.
"Wu said you were… confused, I guess." He let it go as a statement, not pressuring me to answer. I was struck by the urge to reply anyway.
"I think Quatre's taking it harder than me." I didn't feel like making it easy for Duo though, I knew he had been dealing with Quatre but he hadn't said much to Wufei, hadn't heard the other side as it were.
"Q might be able to help himself better soon. I know it's not your problem anymore, man." He did his best not to sound accusatory; I tried not to take it as such. Tried.
"He's the only one who can, in the end." My reply was curt, my throat tight. Duo shook his head.
"I know, I can only guess at how frustrating it was. It's no way to carry out a relationship, especially cos you care…" he picked at the fraying arm of the couch. "None of us are 'normal', socially, it's no wonder we keep screwing up," he tiled his head to one side. Looking appraisingly at me like that, I got a flash of Wufei. A chill went through me then. They had to be alright. For their sakes and ours. Duo continued his inspection of the cream couch thread for a minute, then asked,
"Are you happy, happier, now?"
I nodded, almost without thinking, it was a revelation of sorts for me. It really shouldn't have been, I've told myself enough times. Belief was never my strong point. Duo smiled, not overly large, a real smile, just with pleasure. Then his expression darkened. Wufei.
"Let's go out," I blurted, impulse hijacking my lips, as I suddenly needed to be more occupied with action and less with my thoughts. Duo blinked, then grinned vaguely.
"Sure," he assented. "Good plan." He rose from the couch and brushed imaginary lint from his black jeans. My own clothes suspiciously resembled the generic outfit I wore to pilot Heavyarms and I felt the sudden need to free myself of everything, especially the immediate past, for the evening. Ironic when I spent so much time searching for it. Now I want to ignore it with a clear conscience.
"Let me get changed," I strode into my room and flicked through the wardrobe, looking for something to disguise me. I think that's partly why Wufei and Heero are where they are, they can't forget, can't hope the past will go away. Duo, I guess, is making the effort, probably doing as well as me. And Quatre's been overwhelmed by normality and all its pressures. Guilt washed over me as I think how close he's seemed to drowning recently. But he nearly dragged me under with him; I'm not that great a swimmer. That's the trouble with stream of consciousness, I tend to get overly poetic. Still, I do hope that he'll find his way back to shore, he deserves that as much as the rest of us. He's just better off working it out for himself.
I pulled out a tight red short-sleeved shirt and a pair of buckled trousers, a little goth; it was how I felt just then. I contemplated earrings and settled for a single silver spike, slipping into the bathroom to change. My hair won't do anything other than it's own thing, I like my bangs this long, so I left it as was. Duo looked approvingly at my outfit, we matched fairly well. He's never given up the black; his shirt had subtle flames at the cuffs and hem.
"After you," I gestured to the door, grabbed my jacket from the hook in the hall and locked up behind us. We headed out into the chill night breeze, faces blank as the early night sky.
to be continued...
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