Warnings: yaoi and het relations, angst, stream of consciousness, Trowa POV

Notes: current time period i.e. on the train, otherwise, it's earlier that day

Not the End of the World: Part II - 5/6

Deceleration.

"What?"

I couldn't quite believe I'd heard her right, didn't want to have certainly, though my voice lacked any note of surprise, that scared me more than her words had I think.

Shorya had finished her phone conversation with a little giggly and sickly sweet ' Seeya later, baby', and I'd felt again a creeping twinge of desperation as I slunk back downstairs in my shirt and trousers from yesterday. My hair was damp and the memory of the bar's smoke invaded my nostrils as if we were back there. But we were so far beyond that. I hadn't bothered shaving, my facial hair doesn't grow too fast anyway. I'd sat down in the main room where Hilde was looking at me oddly, on the border of nervous I suppose. For what I'd done last night or because she had a good inkling of what Shorya was about to divulge, I'm not sure. The girl in question entered lightly and grinned at Hilde. I was already irrelevant in her world. It hurt.

"That was Johnny, apologising," she gushed. Hilde grinned for her, but I could tell it was tempered for my benefit. I was ignored still, though perhaps Hilde was feeling slightly guilty. I wasn't mad at her, she was not responsible for her friend or me, myself. That wouldn't be fair to her. Still my breath hitched, mouth dry.

'Get out, get out, get out', that horribly defensive and vulnerable part of me who'd kept me safe so many times during the war was screaming. My pulse pounded in my ears as I blanked the two women, letting myself think of nothing for a minute. New, conflicting emotions threatened to choke me. 'You're not owed anything, you don't just get things for nothing in this life, grow up!' I sat still as everything I wanted right now fell apart.

Hilde was continuing,

"And he meant it?" And I was in a place to hear things but not really register them. It was safer that way, better to help me not run away.

"He's seen the error of his ways, dumped her when she started whining about everything. He's finally come to his senses," Shorya looked pleased with herself, I noticed through unfocused eyes. How could she? How could I still want her as she did this?

"You hated him last night" Hilde reminded her. Thank you Hilde. Shorya had hated him, or so she said. Was she so unspoiled, so pure that she could afford to hate and then forget, forgive, so easily? Had her words and actions been fuelled by drink and not been truly hers; had mine? 'Clearly' the voice in my head told me in a truly condescending tone. She was going right back to the man who'd done all sorts of uncaring, cruel things to her, if her ranting last night was to be believed. And I'd been ready to punch the guy's lights out. Why had I cared, it wasn't like me at all? I wanted her so much.

Shorya had the decency to look abashed at Hilde's comment, but she answered readily enough, "That's because I thought he was being a creepy weirdo and stalking me or something. But he was just desperate to tell me he'd realised his mistake! And when he saw us, he was just too worried that I wouldn't take him back, so he sat up all night getting up the courage to call me! Isn't that so sweet?"

Movement was impossible for a second. Which is where you came in.

"What?"

And still the cruel rational part of me tried to throttle me with the knowledge that I'd met this girl less than twenty four hours ago and what the fuck did I expect, commitment? How naïve was I anyway?

She had the decency to tell me how good I'd been or something, but I could hear the '…for your first time,' at the end of her assertions. Hilde looked at neither and both of us, clearly upset but unwilling to offer support to either of us and betray the other. I started to open my mouth again, to say what I didn't know, but a familiar calm came over me, as age old defences slammed down and I let myself retreat mentally from the situation.

It was not such a long haul from then to now, though I think my journey's nearly at an end, as I approach the literal terminus of the line. So allow me, forgive me, this little 'freak-out' and we'll try again for normal? I'll try again to not be so ignorant, outpaced and defeated by social and emotional newness, even though I've failed a million times before to deal. It was much easier to not try to understand the world, the emotions and actions of the people in it. Even when I followed Heero's advice on emotions back in the war, it wasn't like I was having to make choices. I just used his pattern to figure out what to do next. I was questioned extensively by the nice psychiatrist I was instructed to see as part of our 'rehabilitation into society'; also known as the Earth-Sphere Government's attempt to make sure we were safe to be let out in public. According to her, my more recent attempts to get a handle on people and their motives was a sign of emotional improvement, however much of a failure I felt like right now.

The shrink hadn't been too bad, once I'd convinced her that I was just anti-social rather than having Aspergers Syndrome or Borderline Personality Disorder. She'd done me the courtesy of explaining her reasoning and I'd explained why she was wrong. She treated me like an adult where Duo's counsellor had not, I heard many a rant about how he wasn't a child and not everyone who'd suffered a traumatic loss as a child was a 'freakin' nutcase'. My psychiatrist had talked to me matter-of-factly, not in a hostile fashion, and I think I did benefit from our sessions. She was pretty practical about some of the hang-ups I had about dealing with a real life not composed of killing and following orders without question, which was where most of my problems came from in the first place. But I'd never really gone into the sexuality thing with her and perhaps that was a big part of why I'd run from Shorya. My amnesia during the war I'd never mentioned either. But my tendency to run and block out stimuli had recently become more frequent and less controllable that it had been before. Maybe I should get that seen to at some point. But despite my good experience, once the compulsory nature of the sessions had gone, I had no more desire to see a medical professional than Quatre did. Which is probably why we both have such issues still, in part. Does everything come back to him? Maybe it does right now.

Shorya's expression had faltered as I let my face relax, creating a blank shield against her attempts at flattery. Hilde flashed me a concerned look, she never knew me during the war, when I wore my mask more often, but she has seen it since, I could never relinquish it completely. I need the net to catch me if I falter, just as I did then. Get-away seemed a good solution, escape, because something physical you can block and ignore. Emotions scar deeply and the guilt of existing just then was threatening to swallow me. Better to not feel, to just stop, just shut the door.

I stood in the corridor for a second, wondering how I'd arrived there. Then I realised I was leaving. Silently I donned my shoes and small jacket from the silvery hook in the hallway wall. Duo told me to wait, as he bounded down the stairs having seen me at the door. I didn't want to listen, but we're friends and I had a duty… no, it's nothing so cold, I have an altruistic reason to care for them, my fellow child soldiers, as they do for me. So I let a chink of me, my pain and desperation and instant claustrophobia into my eyes and Duo was clearly conflicted, moving towards his own outdoor clothes. He wouldn't leave me alone though, he knew I would need him, need my friends soon, even though I needed my solitude just then.

I moved out of the doorway, closing it firmly behind me, and set off at a light sprint down the street. At first I heard Duo's half-hearted call of my name and his footsteps behind me, but it was clear that he understood that I was going to run, to escape. So just for then, he let me.

At first I ran to loose myself in the purely physical exertion and exhilaration. Then I ran in case Duo had changed his mind and followed me. The streets were getting busier as I moved from Hilde's suburban back roads towards the bustling city centre. The smells from the bakers and cafes along the way were almost tempting but I was working up a ball of anger inside me as my blank state dissolved. Petty anger at the unfairness of everything, railing against my confusion and Shorya's complacent dismissal and against the world and colonies in general, it's stark and uncompromising injustice this morning. It helped to ground me, and I began to feel the slight chill in the air, wishing I'd brought my gloves, but they were at home and that was probably the first place Duo was going, just in case. Besides, my hot tempered masochism didn't want warm hands just then.

Don't look so surprised, I am a teenager, still, despite everything, in all the worst ways. And my excursion took me to the city's cramped railway station, the few credits in my pocket securing me a ticket on this train to nowhere.

And as you have seen, it was so easy to do what I always do given enough time. Always easy to run away. I know that Duo claimed, in the war, that that was his speciality, but I'll challenge him on locking down emotions and fleeing any day. What I hate the most is the guilt that's kicked in now. About everything and nothing. Make up your own mind as to whether I deserve it. The realistic part of me is pointing out something I really should have cued into a long time ago, but I tend to ignore my masochism too much. I don't only deserve this, I wanted it to happen just as it did, to feel that pain and rejection, some punishment for what I did to Quat.

Do I still feel like shit about it? Yes. I wouldn't tell him about her, about anything just now, it'd seem for all the world like I was trying to guilt trip him as he had me so many times, unwitting. That's the last thing I want. But wanting to be friends? I realise now that I do, maybe that's too much though. Maybe I shouldn't expect such a gracious move on his part when I left him flat like that. I knew he would feel bad, I tried to convince myself that he was strong, could deal, and while he will, I shouldn't have pretended to myself that he wouldn't hurt.

Revelations I should have been aware of so long ago. And what do I finally get? Closure? Well, an end to the road to nowhere. I still hate that I have the power to make people hurt, but I guess… I guess that sometimes bad things happen, to people who are basically good. There's still a selfish Quatre-shaped hole I want filled though.

I'd sat down in the semi-filled carriage and closed my eyes, senses still trained on the world around me, instincts not letting me tune out completely from the never present danger of a crowd. Never is too strong a word though, despite the resolution of the war, and I should be grateful for the edge it gives me over normal people. And I should be happy that that edge might save lives one day. I am. But mulling over thoughts seems to amplify them, make them worse and more important and horrible. So I mull.

I'm still mulling now, obviously, though I'm the last remaining passenger and the night is getting as cold as the chill this morning. There was a moment, just a minute ago, when I decided to stop, to do something positive and ring Duo. And I felt so guilty that he thought I'd called to find out if Wufei and Yuy were alright. They were. Guilt mixed with relief. I did as I'd intended, and told Duo where I was heading, hanging up before I could get asked difficult questions over the phone. They'd find me anyway, I always have that net even if I don't acknowledge it most of the time, I haven't covered my trail. Should they be there for me though? Am I too much trouble, do I want to be, do I want them to think that of me? Maybe all three. Has my calling Duo alleviated my fault any? Always so many questions buzzing round my head when I get to thinking like this, a gentle whirr that gives me a headache in the end. I let it go on anyway. Until suddenly I don't want to think anymore, not in a blank way but a healthy acceptance of what is, not what it might be.

I crush the Styrofoam cup in resolution, then curse as the remains of the now cold coffee stain my hand and drip onto my dark trousers. I wipe at it ineffectually and let out a harsh laugh. It's loud in the empty carriage, with bitter humour and perhaps a little remaining self-contempt. Then my voice is joined by train steward Michael's tinny announcement over the speakers. He tells me it's almost over. Thanks Michael, for the company. No the journey's not been a good one, but it's served it's purpose. I know I have to get my head clear now, not later. I have to get over myself. And I hope so badly that someone's come to find me. I'm selfish, you should have realised my now. I need so much. I'm more human, more normal than I mind. But I'm me, I know that, I know myself and for that, at long last, I should be grateful too. I am grateful.

To be concluded.

Thanks to everyone who's reading ,only one more part to go. Please review if you have time!

Also, it seems that songfic are not supposed to be posted here anymore, so I'm moving mine to media miner under the same name 'Taigne'. There's a side songfic to this story, from Quatre's PoV, which also be posted there if anyone's interested :)