Chapter Six
Normal
Her escape finally came three weeks later. After enduring yet one more exam, Dr. Cruz released her to go back to work part time. "Just from eight until one or two. And not at all if you feel dizzy or overly tired. Then you get your butt back over to me," he warned.
Jordan had smiled for the first time in weeks. At least one part of her life was going to return to normal.
So bright and early on a winter's Monday morning, she found herself back at her old desk and her old job, surrounded by the people she had known and loved for years…doing the work she had been trained to do.
And still feeling totally lost. Weeks went by…then a month and then two. She found that she no matter what she did, she couldn't shake the feeling of being out of place … like a fish out of water. During the brief time Slokum had ruled the morgue, he had implemented several new forms and procedures which Garret had been forced to maintain as part of his probationary period when he was re-instated as chief ME. It seemed to Jordan she would never get used to the new round a paperwork she had to do with each autopsy. And God knows she had never been one to follow procedure. That was one of the things that made her such a good ME. She knew when to say the hell with the rulebook and go on her instinct. She wasn't allowed to do that now.
The biggest issue, at least for Jordan, was that she couldn't be comfortable with herself. The two year nap she took and thrown her behind emotionally…her friends had moved on with their lives, just assuming she'd catch up and be glad for the positive, new events and people in their lives. And she was.
It was just that all these changes had been dropped on her so suddenly. She was still struggling with the fact that Bush was no longer president….that she had slept through the election.
How did they think that all of the other changes closer to her heart would affect her? That she'd just be able to accept them and move on with her life immediately? Jordan sighed and turned away from her filing cabinet. She had come into the office with Garret at eight. He would take her home after lunch. The majority of her time this morning had been looking for the file concerning a case she had been working on about two weeks before her accident. Jordan was spending a great deal of time catching up on what had been her open files before she slipped into a coma.
Straightening up, she stretched her back to get out the kinks. She hated not being able to do field work yet. She hated being tied to the office. Realistically, she knew that soon the time would come where she would be able to go out on calls with Nigel or Sydney again. But right now that didn't help. It was a beautiful, clear, winter day in Boston. The sun was shining for all its worth…and she didn't want to be stuck in the office a moment longer. Determinedly, she thought for a moment, grabbed her coat, and made her way into Garret's office. "I'm going for a walk," she announced.
"By yourself?" he asked, looking over the frames of his reading glasses.
"I'm old enough not to have to hold a grown up's hand," she smirked. Then she sighed. "I guess I'm just tired of being cooped up…like a child getting over a long illness. I just want…normal again, Gar," she finished, sounding wistful.
"It will come, Jordan. The day will come when that coma is just a blip on your life's radar screen."
"I know…it's just that I want it -- normal -- now…so much has changed."
"You'll adjust. You always have in the past. You will now." He smiled gently at her. "Go for your walk and clear your head. Get some perspective. You have your cell phone in case you need me, right?"
Jordan nodded absent-mindedly as she turned and left the building. The temperature was cold, but not as biting as Boston winters could be. Not that Jordan was really noticing. Her mind was still on the new forms and procedures she was still getting used to…how her friends had changed…that nothing had really remained the same, except her…when she rounded a corner and nearly ran into Renee' Walcott.
"Oh," she said, pulling up short. She hadn't seen Renee' at all since she woke up.
"Hey….you look great for a woman that had a two year nap," Renee' replied hugging Jordan over the baby stroller between them.
"Thanks…"
"So how's it going?"
"I'm doing okay…typical post-coma symptoms…tiredness and a few other side effects. But mostly okay."
"No… I mean how are you adjusting? A lot happened in two years."
"I can tell," Jordan replied, eyeing the baby carriage. "This is your daughter?"
Renee' nodded. "Yep. Breanna Elizabeth."
Jordan knelt beside the child for a moment, taking in the small face with dark eyes and head full of brunette curls. "She's beautiful, Renee'."
"Thanks, and you still haven't answered my questions. How are you adjusting?"
Jordan lowered her eyes. She knew Renee' was no longer a DA and she didn't have to worry about jeopardizing any part of her career by being honest with her. But it was still so hard to open up to people now…two years had altered everyone so much. And the proof of this was sitting in a stroller looking up at the two women. "It's hard, you know? The morgue work has changed…."
"So I've been told. Slokum seemed intent on altering everything in there from job descriptions to salaries to procedures before he was booted out."
Jordan nodded. "You're right. He did and he has…"
"And there's more to it than that, isn't Jordan?" Renee' asked.
"Yeah….there is…it's just ….I didn't figure people would change so much…you know?"
"It's been a rough couple of years, Jordan. And people change in order to adjust. Slokum caused a lot of fallout at the morgue. Most of the staff found someone else to turn to other than work colleagues to confide in. In many ways, the morgue never really returned to what it was before then."
"I can tell…it's just that I didn't have the chance to change with them."
"Look," Renee' said, taking her by the arm. "You're one of the strongest women I know. You've been through so much and have always come out on top. I have no doubt you'll do the same now. Just be patient with yourself and give yourself some time. Getting used to all this new stuff isn't going to happen over night. Take your time." She glanced down at her watch. "I have to go. Breanna has a doctor's appointment in about twenty minutes. But I do want to stay in touch. I'm not the DA any longer, so we can talk and you don't have to worry about your job. You're staying with Garret now, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then I'll call you. Meanwhile….just remember, you'll get used to how things are…how things have changed. Just give yourself time and be patient." And with that, Renee' gave Jordan's arm a squeeze and pushed Breanna down the sidewalk.
Give myself time…be patient, Jordan mulled as she began to walk aimlessly down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of Renee. When she finally realized where her feet had taken her, she caught her breath. The seaside park that she and Woody had ran in the day he had been shot.
It had always been a favorite of hers, even before Woodrow Wilson Hoyt entered her life. She loved jogging down the board walk…or stopping for funnel cake and cider there in the summer. That had been when her life had been normal….not the upside down mess it was now. Renee' had told her to be patient. That was easier said than done.
Her constant fatigue bothered her. The longest she had been able to work was until two. By then she was so tired her brain had turned to mush. And she seemed to have bouts with chills…not normal ones, either. These could overtake her body when the temperature in a room was warm. She knew that both of these symptoms were just side effects of the coma and the medication she was on, but that still didn't make them any easier to live with. She pulled her jacket tighter around her and adjusted her scarf and set off at a brisk walk. Maybe the sea air would clear her head….maybe returning to a setting that was much-loved and well-traveled before her accident would remind her, just a little of what normal was.
Maybe…until she saw an all-too familiar form jogging her way. Woody.
Quickly she turned to walk away. She was hesitant to spoil his jog. She was even more reluctant to fight with him again. Jordan had not seen Woody alone since she came back to work at the morgue. She wasn't on field calls, so that lowered her contact with all the detectives. And when he did stroll into autopsy or trace, Bug, Nigel, and Sydney all ran interference for her.
Unfortunately, no one was running interference with her heart for her lingering attraction to him. Her heart over ruled her head and Jordan found herself at a dead stop, admiring his physique as he ran towards. He hadn't seen her yet…if she left now….
"Hi." He was slightly of breath, sweaty…and hot as hell. She was busted.
"Hi…" she replied, softly, brushing a strand of hair out of her face that the wind kept whipping in her eyes.
"Fancy meeting you here," he said, digging one toes of his shoes into the gravel walkway. "Garret finally unchain you from your office?"
Jordan smiled slightly. Evidently her past history of hating paperwork had not been forgotten. "No. Dr. Cruz still hasn't released me for field work yet."
"Oh. Then that explains why I haven't seen you. And I thought it was just me that was keeping you away." He glanced at her eyes then, a teasing expression softening the normally harsh lines on his face.
"Don't flatter yourself, Farm Boy. It would take more than you to keep me away from a homicide call."
Woody chuckled, then turned serious again. "So you're feeling better?" Instantly he realized what an inane question that was and fleetingly wondered just how often Jordan was asked that same stupid question each day. I could have at least been more original, he thought.
"A little better…each day," she responded politely
"When do you think the doctor will let you go on calls again?" That's better….
Jordan leaned back against the fence that bordered the jogging path and sighed. "I don't know," she replied, her voice faltering a little.
Instant concern flooded Woody's chest making it feel tight and uncomfortable. "Is there something you're not telling me, Jo? Are you really okay?"
Wordlessly she nodded, trying to regain her composure. Of all people, she didn't want to lose it in front of Woody…but of all the people in her life, he may understand the most. It had taken years for his life to return to something that only resembled normal. "I guess….I guess I'm just ready for everything to be like it was before my…my…accident. And it's not. It never will be." She pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head and looked him in the eyes. "I guess what I'm trying to say, is I want normal again. I want my old life back. I want ….to …to …"
"Be Jordan again."
Miserably she nodded. She hated being that obvious around him. "I would at least like to be given permission to run again…you don't know how lucky you are."
Woody cut her a sharp look. His legs were something he never took for granted now. "Oh yes, I do…" he said in a gentler tone.
A blush creeping into her cheeks, she looked down. "I'm sorry. I know you do…I shouldn't have interrupted your run." She put on her glasses and turned around to leave.
"Wait. Don't go." His hand on her arm stopped her. He turned her around to face him. With a hand just as gentle as his voice, he pulled her sunglasses back off and looked deep into her eyes. She was still just as beautiful…thinner…but oh, so fragile and beautiful. And her hair was longer, nearly to her waist. Unlike many of their coma patients who had their hair cut short for ease of care, the nurses had refused to cut Jordan's hair. It fell in chestnut waves all the way down her back now. And her eyes were now filled with tears. There was something else…
"What else is the matter, Jordan? You can tell me…" He softly rubbed her arm.
And she felt her walls beginning to crumble. "Everything…everything is wrong, Woody. I'm not sure I'll ever be the way I was before. I don't remember what normal was for me…I'm having trouble remembering all the new forms and procedures at work … I just feel so scattered and I'm having a hard time concentrating some days. I stay tired all the time…and by one or two o'clock I'm completely exhausted. The side effects of the coma and medicine are nausea … and motion sickness … and I feel cold for some reason all the time…"
"Those are things that will go away with time, Jor. Cut yourself some slack. Everyone had trouble with all those new forms and procedures."
She nodded miserably again. "But it's not just that…"
"Then what?" His hand trailed her arm to tilt her fact to look into his.
"I'm not whining, honestly, it's just that…."
"Your confused, and frustrated….and scared."
Jordan's eyes widened. "How do you know…"
"Because I felt the same way after the sniper shot me. So tell me, Jordan. What else is bothering you?" His voice was still gentle and coaxing.
"Everyone's changed…but me. So much has happened to people during the two years I was in a coma, but I've stayed the same. For me, it's still the day of the accident. I should be going back to my Pearle Street apartment….pulling doubles and rotation…..arguing with Slokum…being fussed at for not doing my paperwork. Instead, I'm struggling to get caught up and barely functioning…."
The fragility in her face and the vulnerability in her voice alarmed Woody. This was a side to Jordan Cavanaugh…pre or post coma … he had never seen. He was about to reply when her cell phone went off.
Damn.
It was Garret….he was worried about her. Evidently she had been gone for some time. "I have to get back," she said, scrubbing the few tears that had fallen off her cheeks. "Thanks for listening…."
"Look, no problem." He struggled for a moment to try to find some words to keep the communication lines open…to keep her talking to him at least. "Anytime…we can still be friends, can't we?" That was a great line, cowboy. You played her on that once and remember where that got you….
And evidently she did, too…the expression on her fact told him so. She shook her head and pulled away from him. "We tried that before, remember?" she asked with a sad, tight smile. "It didn't work. But I understand you now, Woody. I know why you told me to 'screw my pity' when you were in the hospital and kicked me out of your room. I don't want pity, either. Just help when I need it. And I also understand the fact that you're a good looking man…a real success on your job and with the ladies … you've moved on with your life. And rightfully so. It's been even longer than two years since we've had a civil conversation. I know why we can't be friends…."
"But Jordan…."
His protest fell on deaf ears. "You've moved on," she continued. "For you, you've had the time to process everything between us….I haven't. For me, it's still the day of my accident and your rejecting me…telling me to get out of your life…it all still hurts too much," she finished in a soft voice. Then she turned and walked off, leaving him to stare at her slight, retreating figure.
She may not know it, he thought as he turned and jogged off in the opposite direction, but I am her friend…and I am going to help Jordan adjust to her world as much as she will let me….and even when she doesn't.