Warnings: yaoi and het relations, angst, stream of consciousness, Trowa POV
Notes: I know it's not exactly a happy resolution, but it's a realistic one I hope :-)
Not the End of the World: Part II - 6/6
No-Score Drawing.
Now the train has slowed to a crawl, the yellow station lights seep into my carriage as we enter the terminus. Yes, I regret what's happened and, being calmer now, I know I could have saved a lot of trouble by just turning around and going back. But I really didn't want to. Quick re-hash. I realise that I shouldn't have done this. The nagging feeling of guilt that pervaded me every time I was struck with the desire to run away, was part of what kept me with Quatre for so long. I didn't run, because I thought people cared. Maybe they do. Maybe I'm so much more like Quatre than I'd care to admit. What am I going to do now? I draw my knees up to my chest in the back of the empty car as the train shudders, it's stopping now, the end has come too soon and there's nothing I can do about it, nowhere to go.
I still feel betrayed, but I have no right to. A part of me I thought I'd put to rest is begging me to run to somewhere no one will find me, no one will recognise me, no one will expect anything of me. That's what it all comes down to in the end. I want to be nobody, because nobody will expect anything of me. I'm so scared, ultimately, of disappointment. Of their disappointment in me. It was easier when I was just me. That's why I had to leave Quatre. I let him down so many times, I couldn't help him, couldn't be what he wanted. I might have helped if he'd known exactly what that want was for. But it's taken until now for me to run. I'm such a coward.
Let's make it all about me then. Because I should finally admit that I feel used. Used and unwanted. By someone who shouldn't matter to me, wouldn't have three years ago. I let myself care about too much. I wanted her to want me and let myself be vulnerable in front of her, showed her my need. My pride hates me, telling me it's my own fault for being so desperate for that instant. I can tell myself a thousand times that I'm allowed to want things for myself. That I'm not forced to follow everyone else's expectations. But I've never had such expectations. Not from people I want to please because I like them. I don't believe I can resist. If I could there might not be this sickening feeling that's threatening to overwhelm me as the train finally stops and the doors slide open one last time.
Michael's back, over the speakers, for one last pep talk. Please remember to take all my belongings with me and leave my litter in the compactor at the end of my carriage for recycling. I drop my partially compacted coffee cup into the little green labelled hole, where it will be reshaped, remodelled and be used again. It'll have a new life, be useful for someone else and you know what I wish. I have no belongings to take, my thin wallet is in my pocket, my jacket I never took off my shoulders.
I step down to the platform and sigh. 'Woe is me' and all that jazz. I blink and stand dumbly facing the scene before me. Duo, Heero and Wufei. I swallow as I catch a glimpse of Quatre sitting on a bench a little way off near an exit to the station's car park. Dragging my attention back to the trio in front of me, I can't actually think of anything. To say, to do, to prepare for what's coming, promised by the look on Duo's face. Wufei and Heero are twin blanks and as my eyes adjust to the poor platform lighting I can make out a large colouring bruise down the side of Wufei's face and a crisp white bandage around Heero's left hand.
My brain finally manages to make some connections and I realise that they're back, relatively unscathed and have come straight out to find me. Life was so much more simple when I wasn't so cared about. None of the mercs ever came after me when I ran off. A selfish part of me realises I might not have bothered running if no one had cared. A weak part of me is desperate to hug them all and cry like the little boy I am. I should say something really, but I still can't put thoughts into actions. I chew my lip.
Wufei's had on Duo's shoulder halts the tirade I was, no doubt, about to receive, but the glare he turns on me doesn't look promising. More pieces click together, they've come in Quatre's plane, that's how they beat me to the other end of the country despite my head start.
"It's not fair, man." Duo can be horribly succinct when he's not rambling. I think my face is showing something of the swirling confusion of emotions in my brain, because the next second he's hugging me. I cling to him and, resting my head on top of his bangs I manage a pathetic 'sorry'. I'm so grateful to Duo, we aren't the best of friends and yet he's come all this way for me.
Wufei approaches us and puts a hand on my arm as I pull back from Duo. I appreciate it as much as the hug.
"Got it out of your system?" Am I really that obvious? "I've been expecting you to do something like this for a while," he confides, shaking his head, and I'm struck again by how well he knows me. Part of me wonders if he knows what my catalyst finally was but I don't want to ask at all. Meanwhile, Duo's reaching around me to clip Wufei around his unbruised ear.
"Could've fuckin' told me! I swear I'm gonna meet Shinigami before I'm thirty, the shit you guys put me through!" It's directed at Wufei as well and I belatedly realise that some of Duo's anger is due to the obviously difficult mission as well. He has the cutest look of debate and indecision on his face for a second before he flings an arm around Wufei and pulls him close so he can embrace us both. Over Duo's head I see Heero nod to me. We're both men of few words and I understand. We've got a last hurdle to pass though, now I really want to go home.
Heero glances back and I follow his gaze to Quatre, still sitting on the cold metal bench, staring fixedly at the ground. I wonder idly whether we attracted attention with our little reunion, but there aren't very many people around at this time of night. It must be past eleven by now. There's no-one to see us here, you never lose the ability to sense when you're being watched. I've been childish enough for one day, I decide. I tell Heero 'no worries' with a look, as Duo finally pulls away and Wufei takes a step back.
"I…we came in Quatre's plane." I give him a tight smile. Quatre doesn't look up, if he's heard. Quietly I respond.
"It's okay, I can be grown up about it, I'm done being a dick for now." I try to mean it all. Heero's gone to fetch Quatre and as we move off I notice Wufei's slight limp.
"Mission alright?" Duo starts to bristle at my glib comment, but Chang cuts him off before he can get going.
"It's alright now. We had a total equipment failure, which someone back in Tech needs shooting for, and then a security breach. The imbeciles certainly picked in inconvenient place for a base. Luckily it was as much a hindrance to them as us."
I look pointedly at the stiff way he's walking. He purses his lips in his usual irritated expression.
"Don't you start, I've already had him giving me twenty questions. If you must know, I have a reasonably deep cut to the side of my knee and the stitches pull a little when I walk. Which I won't be doing when we get back on the plane." He adds the last quickly as Duo's clearly dying to mother his pert little ass. Now that was a weird thought, have I eaten today? Not that I can remember. Maybe I can blame such errant musings on that.
We take a taxi to the private airport where they've left the plane. Quatre and I acknowledge each other and it's rather uncomfortable but neither of us pushes and it doesn't get too unpleasant. Duo fusses over Wufei so that he doesn't have to be in any position to choose and Heero and Quatre sit on the other side of the couple in virtual silence.
My chest seems heavy and so light at the same time as we get on the plane. Maybe I am a loser and a hopeless fool, but I'm with friends who came out of their way to save me from any more of my stupidity. I think that's okay for now. And 'okay for now' is as good as it's been in a long time.
End.
Please. /gets down on knees and begs/ Tell me what you thought? No one's reviewed the last three chapters. Tell me if it sucked, I'll try again!