I knew what she was doing,
I knew what she was doing it for, even, but that didn't make it any
easier for the both of us. She held me tight so I could hardly
breathe but I didn't mind, so long as I was still breathing the same
breath as her, sharing her warmth, her heartbeat, her very being.
No, I thought, we didn't go through Bolvangar for this, how will we
ever find each other again? And she thought it too, still as one,
sharing thoughts and breath and life... what will happen when the
boat leaves? That little patched up ancient boat with the shrivelled
ancient boatman, oars creaking and splashing dully into the water. My
little daemon-heart began to break as she unhooked my claws from her
clothes, half-pushing me, half-sobbing, her heart was breaking too, I
could feel it, and she stared into my eyes and we could hardly even
think, but I knew what she meant, and I didn't ask why,
because I knew, and I didn't ask if she loved Roger more than me,
because I knew the answer to that too. But every fibre of my being
wanted to soothe her and lick her and nuzzle her and gentle her,
because of the torment she was suffering, but I couldn't, because she
was suffering because of me, and I knew how much it hurt her and I
was trying not to make it harder for her, so we were both pretending
it would be alright, that it wouldn't hurt, and she could have looked
away and tried not to think about me, but her eyes didn't leave mine
for a heartbeat, until the boat disappeared into the mist; and such
sorrow in those eyes! I had changed form, I was hardly aware of it,
and I crept to the end of the jetty so as to be as close as possible
to her as long as she was on that boat, that dreadful boat, broken...
breaking, like me, breaking... until she disappeared into the
diseased-looking mist and I heard her cry out, so passionate and
painfully that I cried out too, so she would I know I was there and I
knew how she was feeling, and then came the pain, such that I almost
fainted, my little daemon-heart felt as if it was gone, like it had
stopped beating, we were severed. I felt the worst we had ever felt
in our life, only it was still worse because I knew Lyra was feeling
it too, but I couldn't feel that she was feeling it. And I remembered
the times we had cried together, and laughed, and argued, and I
thought of Lyra, she would be strong, she wouldn't be breaking as I
felt I was. But she had Will. And I had no-one. No-one to soothe to
sleep, no-one to laugh with, no-one to reprimand, no warm strong
human body to press myself against when I was the one who needed
soothing. And I remembered Lyra's face in the boat and how our hearts
wrenched when we were parted, and I knew she might never come back to
me. Suddenly I became aware of a presence beside me on the jetty, a
female daemon, in a similar form to myself, looking as bewildered and
astonished as Lyra and I had been when we first saw Will. I made a
tentative attempt at speech.
"Who are you?" I asked, thinking that I surely knew, and that it was the strangest thing me or Lyra had seen in our whole life. The daemon just stared at me, and she was in so much pain.
"I... I am Will's daemon...Oh, Pan, what is this? How could this happen?" I shushed her and gently began grooming her, she was in shock, and needed caring for, poor thing. Once I had something to do and to take my mind off the unimaginable loss of my human, at least, it still felt like a great part of me was missing, and I lacked the will to do anything more than try to comfort this poor distressed creature who had suddenly been torn into being. But that was my task, and I managed to calm her before the boatman came rowing rigidly back like a child's wind-up toy. He stopped at the end of the jetty again, looking tired as aeons, and spoke to us.
"The girl, she gave me a message for you. I promised to deliver it, and that I shall, but I can't promise ye the truth of it, for many has said they will come back, and none have, I've said it a thousand times, to a thousand passengers of this boat. But here is the message. She loves you more than anything in the land of the living or the dead, and she swears her and Will will find a way out." He took a breath and considered what to say, gazing in wonder at Will's daemon, but not asking, because he knew, and it was curious. It had never happened before. "I don't suggest to you to stay here, better to keep moving. This isn't any kind of place for those that want to stay alive very much longer." And with these final mysterious words he seemed to fade into the mist. I looked at Will's daemon and tried to stir up some courage from the bottom of my heart, as I could see she was doing. I effortfully changed into a cat, a much more nimble form, and she did the same. Then we started on the strangest journey two daemons ever made, fuelled by instinct and a strange resolute kind of courage, finding shelter and sleeping fitfully until we were woken by an angel who took us into another world...
"Who are you?" I asked, thinking that I surely knew, and that it was the strangest thing me or Lyra had seen in our whole life. The daemon just stared at me, and she was in so much pain.
"I... I am Will's daemon...Oh, Pan, what is this? How could this happen?" I shushed her and gently began grooming her, she was in shock, and needed caring for, poor thing. Once I had something to do and to take my mind off the unimaginable loss of my human, at least, it still felt like a great part of me was missing, and I lacked the will to do anything more than try to comfort this poor distressed creature who had suddenly been torn into being. But that was my task, and I managed to calm her before the boatman came rowing rigidly back like a child's wind-up toy. He stopped at the end of the jetty again, looking tired as aeons, and spoke to us.
"The girl, she gave me a message for you. I promised to deliver it, and that I shall, but I can't promise ye the truth of it, for many has said they will come back, and none have, I've said it a thousand times, to a thousand passengers of this boat. But here is the message. She loves you more than anything in the land of the living or the dead, and she swears her and Will will find a way out." He took a breath and considered what to say, gazing in wonder at Will's daemon, but not asking, because he knew, and it was curious. It had never happened before. "I don't suggest to you to stay here, better to keep moving. This isn't any kind of place for those that want to stay alive very much longer." And with these final mysterious words he seemed to fade into the mist. I looked at Will's daemon and tried to stir up some courage from the bottom of my heart, as I could see she was doing. I effortfully changed into a cat, a much more nimble form, and she did the same. Then we started on the strangest journey two daemons ever made, fuelled by instinct and a strange resolute kind of courage, finding shelter and sleeping fitfully until we were woken by an angel who took us into another world...