Calvin's Crazy Cooking Show
"Hobbes, guess what!" Calvin hollered as he ran up to his room. The six-year-old with wild hair and an imagination ten times wilder flung open the door while wearing a dark cape with a mask; he had been pretending to be the superhero Stupendous Man.
He stared at Hobbes, his tiger, who was decidedly real in Calvin's eyes. Hobbes was on Calvin's bed reading Calvin's comic books! "Hey, what did I say about reading those!"
"You're right, you caught me," Hobbes said remorsefully, hiding his mirth quite well. He looked at Calvin with a very sad face and said, "I should be punished."
"Now, that's the attitude I want to see when you're caught!"
"Yes, I know. Go ahead, make me stay in your room while you go off somewhere."
"That's just what I'll…" Calvin's eyes widened, as he realized Hobbes had nearly tricked him. "Hey! If I make you stay in my room while I go with Mom to get the prize she just won on the radio's trivia contest, you'll be able to read more of my comic books!"
Hobbes snapped his fingers. Tigers were sneaky, but sometimes someone like Calvin could see through him just a little. "Almost had you there."
"Calvin, come on," his mom said as she left her room, having retrieved her car keys and purse. "I told them we'd be right down."
"Coming!" To Hobbes, he said, "Don't you dare read any more of my comic books, or else." Hobbes stuck his tongue out at Calvin as he left.
Calvin knew the prize was two tickets to a dinner theater, and asked his mom if he could go with her. "If you and Dad go, I'll have to be babysat by Rosalyn."
"And if I take you with me instead, you might steal the show; literally." Calvin was known for creating an incredible amount of ruckus wherever he went.
Calvin groused about having to be babysat by Rosalyn for a while, but once he and his mother entered the radio station, he got a big grin on his face. In the room in front of him were all sort of dials, switches, and buttons, separating only by a window. And, how hard would it be for Stupendous Man to get past that disc jockey?
"Calvin, don't go in there," his mom commanded, reading his mind as she pulled out her driver's license and spoke with the secretary.
"Aw, man." He looked at a sign that said "rest rooms," and a hallway beyond that. "Hey, uh…I have to go to the bathroom."
"All right, make it quick." His mom saw him going that way, and thought nothing more of it; she was signing something, and now had to wait as the secretary went into the office to get the tickets. When she glanced that way again, Calvin was gone. She anticipated he'd be in the restroom for a short while, as the door was closing. Instead, someone else had entered the restroom, while Calvin decided to go exploring.
The radio station was owned by the same company that owned a local TV station that did public access as well as local programming. A local chef was in a large room, in front of a counter and camera, when Calvin entered behind him.
"Next, you break an egg, and…wha-!"
"Stupendous Man leaps into the giant's kitchen, where he is about to cook a helpless citizen who has been maliciously turned into an egg by Stupendous Man's arch-nemesis!" Calvin had leaped into the set, and grabbed the egg from the chef. "He dashes to freedom, and tries to evade the fiends in the secret laboratory!"
"Get back here, kid!" The chef chased after Calvin, and caught up to him as the cameraman corralled him. "All right, let's see what's under that mask of yours."
He had never seen Calvin before, but the cameraman thought he recognized him; they lived in a small town, though Calvin's dad commuted to work in a nearby big city.
Calvin slipped out of his cape, however, as it was pulled off of him, and suddenly assumed another of his personas. "Spaceman Spiff eludes the guards on planet G-86, and scampers toward the landing craft!" Calvin threw the egg to distract the men, pulled himself onto a stool and began to run on the counter. He accidentally kicked over the bowl the chef had been using. "He notices several strange looking aliens…"
"That's broccoli, not aliens!" the cameraman screamed.
Calvin picked up some broccoli with one hand, and a carrot with the other. He pretended to fire the carrot at the chef, making a strange, ray gun-type noise. "Take that, evil fiend."
"Where did he come from, Ted?" the chef asked the cameraman.
"Maybe we should try the zoo."
Ted caught Calvin again, as the wild boy suddenly noticed the camera. "Did I get on TV?" Calvin asked suddenly.
"No, I turned it off when you barged in here. Didn't you see the red light; that meant we were shooting!"
"Aw, man, there was shooting? I always miss the good stuff."
"No," the chef exclaimed, "the camera was shooting pictures! Where are your parents?"
Not wanting to get in trouble, Calvin ad libbed, "Parents? What parents? I was raised by wolves till they brought me here to forage for food."
"I almost believe that," the chef muttered. "Listen, we were supposed to be filming a segment for my show in an hour! You have caused a great big mess." He was thankful they'd filmed him pulling it out of the oven earlier; that strategy always worked best just in case some technical problems occurred in the baking.
"Well, you shouldn't have chased me! And you shouldn't have turned off the camera, either. This could be my big break." Suddenly, Calvin was himself, and sported a big, fancy grin. "I can see it now. Show business! My name in lights! Pretty soon, I could be making millions scaring people in monster movies and be driven around in a big, fancy car. And then, I can drop out of school before second grade!"
"Well, we weren't actually…"
"You got any shows with kids? I just love your cooking shows, I watch them all the time," Calvin said, trying to flatter the chef.
Hands on his hips, the chef said, "Oh, really? And, what did I prepare last week?"
"Ummmm…" Think fast, he told himself. "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bomb Souffle."
"I think I'm going to be sick," the cameraman said queasily, holding his stomach as he envisioned that concoction.
The chef tried to see if he could entice Calvin into behaving well, not knowing how hard that would be. His cooking show, Eating with Earl, was on locally, though it was his dream to one day be on the Food Network nationally. "Well, actually, we have had shows where we have children helping to cook, a guest chef will be here next week with…"
"Super. Listen, I'll be back. And I'll advertise your show too; I'll make sure everyone watches. Hmmm, let's see…" As Earl and Ted stared at Calvin's rapid-fire monologue, the boy said, "I know! Eggboy! I'll go around dressed as an egg. That's what you were using today, after all. I'll even appear on your show as Eggboy." Calvin heard his mother's voice, so he hopped down, grabbed his cape, and ran out the door. "See ya"
Ted stared at the door as it closed, and then asked the chef, "Which one of us should warn Mrs. Jones, Earl?"
"I don't know, but her great-niece Susie will be there. That boy seems to be about her age, whoever he is. Maybe those two can play together or something."
"I don't think…" Why give him more to worry about, the cameraman asked himself. "Well, maybe," Ted muttered.
"Where were you?" Calvin's mom asked as she saw him coming down the hall.
"Oh, I wanted to see what was down there; that cooking show was taping. It's the best!"
Calvin's mom possessed a great deal of skepticism as Calvin spoke of his love for that show, which she knew could have been taping. "I know which one you mean, 'Eating With Earl.' It's on in an hour. I've seen it several times. But, why…?"
"He even said he'd have me on his show next week." Calvin grabbed his mom's hand and pulled her out the door, glad to have gotten the clue about when it was on. "Come on, Earl's on in an hour."
"Okay, okay." Calvin's mom sighed. She supposed it was possible Calvin had suddenly gotten very interested in cooking. But, something told her there was more to this.
Calvin stomped up to his room about thirty minutes later. "Where were you?" Hobbes asked as he looked up from a comic book to see Calvin sitting up in his bed, his arms folded, looking frustrated.
"Oh, I got us a spot on a cooking show, 'Eating with Earl.' But then Mom decided since I was suddenly so interested in cooking she would have me help make the meatloaf we were supposed to have for dinner."
"And why did she send you to your room?"
"Hey, whatever gave you the idea that she punished me!" came the insulted tone.
Hobbes counted on his fingers. "Where do I begin? The grumpy face as you stomped in here, your general attitude toward good behavior, or perhaps the fact you referred to it as the meatloaf you were supposed to have?"
"Hey, don't rub it in!" Calvin shrugged and confided, "I just started putting things into the meat - mustard, uncooked macaroni, leaves from one of Mom's houseplants." He stared at Hobbes, who was snickering. "Well, what do I know about cooking!"
"But, don't you need to know about cooking to be on a cooking show?"
"Never mind that. This could be my big break. We need a plan." Calvin put on a paper hat and said, "This meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy girlS will now come to order!"
"It will?" Hobbes asked with bewilderment as he grabbed his own hat. "Why?" They sang their theme song, and Calvin explained.
"First officer Hobbes, let it be recorded that, as Dictator for Life, I have gained a spot in a cooking show that will allow us to really bug whatever girls might be on the show as well. This TV appearance, plus the appearance of a new superhero, Eggboy, will be the first step in a long and glorious career in show business. You and I can have our names in lights. Our stars on the Walk of Fame."
After a few minutes of Calvin's speech, his mom walked into the room. She explained, "Cooking requires you to follow instructions so you don't make food really yucky."
"So, that's why I don't like what you cook for supper," Calvin remarked candidly.
"No, you don't like it because I choose not to saturate it with sugar," she responded glibly. After they sat on the bed and talked for a couple minutes, she invited him down to the living room so they could watch the cooking show together. Hobbes went, also.
Hobbes whispered to Calvin as they watched the show. "If you're Eggboy, what am I? Can I be something with tuna in it?"
"Sure, how about The Piano Tuna." After a moment, Calvin turned to his mom an shouted, "Hobbes pushed me!"
"Serves you right for such a bad pun," Hobbes said angrily.
"Shhh, you wanted to learn about cooking," His mom said gently. She was so glad she'd only had one child - Calvin and his tiger caused enough commotion.
Calvin watched with mild interest for a few minutes. He figured his mom expected him to, but he also wanted to show he knew something for the show next week. After all, Eggboy could only leap into action if he knew something about cooking.
Still, Calvin's need for excitement got the better of him. "Where are the car chases?"
"Oh, Calvin, there wouldn't be any car chases on a cooking show!"
"Oh. Well, will they show some insane monster smashing up the set, since he put it in the oven? It has to cook…hey, he's taking it out right away! That oven must use top secret alien technology. He said it normally took 45 minutes to bake!"
"He probably filmed that part earlier and was taping the preparation when you went in there. Shhhh."
After another minute, Calvin exclaimed, "You call that a casserole! There's no chocolate, no fizzy pop to make you belch real loud…" His mom shushed him. "Well, who wants to eat that junk? There's nothing in there but vegetables and…"
Calvin and Hobbes were outside before he could finish his sentence.
The evening of the dinner theater, Rosalyn showed up to babysit, charging her usual very high hourly rate for Calvin plus twenty percent gratuity. "Since when did babysitters start requesting a gratuity?" Calvin's dad inquired as he pulled out his wallet.
"Hush, Dear, the service is good. She manages to keep him from destroying the house most of the time," his mom whispered. "She didn't even charge combat pay last time."
Rosalyn eyed Calvin with suspicion once his parents left. "Your mom uttered a sentence I thought couldn't be spoken in the English language - 'Calvin wants to bake cookies.' It's like saying 'Blue orange juice ate my battleship' - the words just don't go together. So, what's the catch?"
"No catch. Hobbes and I are going to be on Eating With Earl next week, and launch our filmmaking careers. We need practice if we're going to outdo the girls."
"What girls?"
"The girls he'll have on his show. He says he's had children on the show, and you can just bet they're all infested with cooties. It's time to royally bug them, while starting my Hollywood career."
Rosalyn stared and thought out loud. "Okayyyyyy." She was still skeptical. But, when she could - admittedly, it wasn't often - she liked to give Calvin a little encouragement. Her playing Calvinball had worked wonders last time, after all.
However, it only took a few minutes for her to feel this was merely an attempt to annoy her. "Hey, Rosalyn, now that we've got that cookie dough in this bowl, how about something a little more interesting than plain old chocolate chips."
"Like what?"
Calvin had grabbled a pepper container and shaken some pepper into his hand when she was checking the recipe. Now, he inhaled hard. Before Rosalyn could realize what he was doing, Calvin sneezed several times right into the cookie dough.
Up in his room, he explained to Hobbes what he'd done, adding defensively, "Dad says chefs are artists with food. And, all great artists are misunderstood."
"I fail to see how to properly understand what you sneezed into those cookies, except to say it was really gross."
"Shut up and help me with this Eggboy costume, I want to try it out tomorrow before Mom starts to wonder what the smell is. I didn't think when we brought those eggs up here they would start to smell this fast."
"You don't think she already suspects you've got rotten eggs in your room?"
Calvin shook his head. "Nah, I haven't tried that for a long while. Here; help me with the plastic bags." As Hobbes helped him, they tied a couple small sandwich bags so the yolk of an egg was enclosed in them. Then, they cut them so they weren't too big. They would be like eyes, just above Calvin's eyes, and attached to a cap that had egg shells glued all around it. There were egg shells around other parts, egg white had been spilled ion an old t-shirt, and also on a piece of an old sheet Calvin had rescued from a group earmarked for charity. Eggs would also be attached with heavy, reinforced tape to Calvin's shoes.
"Is Eggboy's superpower his pungent odor?" Hobbes asked, scratching behind an ear.
"Yeah, it does kind of stink. Maybe when we're done we'll move this bag into the basement."
Just as Calvin was finished putting things back in the bag, and hiding it in his closet, Rosalyn came up. "Calvin, I wanted to give you one more chance, and…what's that smell?"
"Oh, I just noticed Hobbes hadn't eaten some tuna I'd brought up for him; I put it in a paper bag, let me just take it downstairs."
"It smells rotten, that's for sure." She didn't know exactly what rotten fish or eggs smelled like, so she figured it was the one he mentioned - knowing Calvin, it would be, and she knew both stunk. "There was enough stuff left for a couple dozen cookies - but one more stunt like your sneezing and it's right to bed!" she threatened, wanting to genuinely help Calvin but insisting on showing him who was boss, too.
The next morning, Calvin and Hobbes went down to the basement after cartoons were over. "Good thing Mom hasn't tried to do laundry yet today."
"Yes, although you could have told Rosalyn something other than tuna. If it had been tuna you know I would have eaten it."
"Yeah, yeah, tuna, salmon, whatever. Rosalyn told Mom and Dad I threw it out, so we don't have much time." He looked around. "The coast is clear, bring it up, Hobbes." As they exited the house and went to his tree house, Calvin said, "You know, you could have been more help in distracting her last night. I had to sit through an entire lesson on baking cookies. Rosalyn was more boring than Miss Wormwood, yet I couldn't stop her or she would haven sent me to bed!"
"Sorry, when she talked about how some of the chefs on the Food Network were world famous and got millions of dollars to cook whatever they wanted, I was mesmerized."
"Yeah, I guess I was too." He smiled dreamily. "Just think, when we get to Hollywood, we can do way better than them. We can combine cooking shows with car chases. And have lots of explosions, too!"
"You said it. And, you can pig out on cookies like last night." Hobbes pointed out, hastening to add, "and wake up at 2 AM complaining of a tummy ache."
Calvin had to admit, "You know Hobbes, I guess you're right. You know how to look at the bright side. Well, not that the tummy ache was fun; but it was worth it." Calvin began to don his Eggboy costume. He realized it was smelling pretty badly, but he could stand it for a short while longer, and get a reaction out of anyone who smelled it in the meantime.
"You still managed to make a couple dozen cookies, there was enough left for that much. One for Rosalyn, one each for your mom and dad, that means you ate 21 cookies! I'd get sick eating 21 cookies."
"Yeah, well, today's another day." After Calvin and Hobbes called their meeting to order, Calvin said, "I even started a theme song for Eggboy. You need to help me with it." Hobbes nodded. "He's just a superhero, dressed as an egg," Calvin sang.
"Can't think of anything that rhymes with egg!"
"Leg, you flea brain," Calvin exclaimed. "How can you not think of legs, you have four of them, I've only got two! Dictator for Life Calvin moves that President and First Tiger Hobbes be given fifteen demerits for leaving his brain at home."
"Well, considering Dictator-for-Life Calvin's attempts to answer an American history test with names of famous cartoon characters and superheroes, President and First Tiger Hobbes gives him fifteen demerits, too."
"Listen, bub, just because Miss Wormwood doesn't like the idea of Superman freeing the slaves doesn't mean it's not realistic. What's more sensible, one man in Washington freeing millions of slaves, or a superhero flying around with brute strength freeing them!"
"The question was about the Emancipation Proclamation. And, besides, Superman couldn't have been President. Not only wasn't he born in this country, he wasn't born on this planet!"
"Okay, so maybe it was Batman," Calvin conceded, the argument finally winding down from its frenetic pace, "when Eggboy gets finished he's going to wipe 'em all out. Eggboy will be the greatest superhero who ever lived!"
Susie had looked up as they argued, having smelled something weird and heard the strange theme song when she walked over to investigate. As she walked away, she muttered to herself, "Somewhere in this neighborhood, there's a mouse hole that not only leads to Wonderland, stuff comes up from there. That's the only explanation."
"Look, there's Susie," Hobbes pointed out.
Calvin gritted his teeth. "Where are our water balloons? Quick, Hobbes, to the Eggmobile. I'll stall her while you go fill up some water balloons and hurl them at her." They shimmied down the rope ladder while Calvin called to Susie. "Susie, wait up! I have something important to tell you!"
Susie turned reluctantly to see Calvin with rotten eggs on his shoes, egg yolks hanging from a smelly hat with eggs on it, and a very stinky cape. Her face scrunched up so that she almost wished she didn't have a nose. "Calvin, what…peeeeyoooo, what did you do, take a bath in rotten eggs?"
"Who is this Calvin? I am Eggboy, defender of the world! And, I shall make myself known to all the world this week, on Eating With Earl."
"This week! You can't be serious!" Susie held her nose for another moment and tried to fan away the fumes.
"I can see my amazing super powers have hypnotized you. After all, I am more potent than all those other puny superheroes combined!"
"'Potent' is right. What happened to Stupendous Man?"
Calvin waved his hand. "How can you prefer a mere mortal over Eggboy?"
"First, he doesn't smell like rotten eggs!" Susie thought Stupendous Man was crazy, especially the way he'd run around in school with that cape. But, at least she could comprehend and put up with him. But this?
"But, Eggboy is advertising the show. He will draw millions of viewers."
Susie pointed at him. "Listen, you will not show up smelling like rotten eggs with me, and that's final! And if you insist on trying, I'll call and ask him to make sure you stay out!"
"With you? You're going to be on Eating With Earl?" Calvin asked as his mom came out the back door.
"With my great-aunt Maggie. She's run a small baking service from her home for years."
Calvin's mom started to speak, then had to hold her nose as she fanned the fumes with her hand. "There you are, Ca…What have you done! I almost called the gas company to report a leak, then I followed the smell out here and realize you're wearing rotten eggs!"
"Do not fear, Ma'am, if there is a problem, the great superhero Eggboy will solve it," Calvin said with a manner so casual it aggravated his mother much more. He wasn't going to be able to take this any further, but the rise he'd gotten out of Susie and his mom was worth it, in his mind - especially since Susie would be on that show.
"Calvin, you are coming inside and taking a bath right now," she said, grabbing his hand, "and then we are washing everything you touched just in case there's any salmonella." She turned and looked back. "You two didn't touch, did you?"
"Don't worry, with that smell, I didn't want to be near him," Susie assured her.
"Good, because touching that stuff could make him sick. And the smell is just like it would be if there was a gas leak," she told both of them, planning to explain more to Calvin after they went inside.
Early that evening, Calvin's dad was finally done hosing off the clubhouse with them and drying it off. "Boy, did we get an earful," Calvin said to Hobbes as they climbed into the clubhouse, which was still slightly damp.
"You said it. Your mom pulled me inside and threw me into the washing machine before I had a chance to get any water balloons." Of course, she'd grabbed Hobbes after she saw Calvin, but this was his way of explaining why he hadn't gotten any water balloons.
"I figured as much. It's just as well, though - as Dictator for Life, I have discovered that we have an even more insidious problem."
"More insidious than your parents inspecting your room and even frisking you if they suspect something for a while?"
"Even more!"
"How about the fact your advertising seems to be driving people away from the show?"
"Even more. Susie is going on that show!" Hobbes whistled. "We really need a brilliant plan now, or she might get all the fame and success!"
"I suppose trying to legitimately outdo her is out of the question?"
"Sure it is, then we can't bug her. She's so girly if I did beat her in a baking contest she'd probably congratulate me!"
Hobbes admitted Calvin had a point as Calvin revealed his plan. "There is the Noodle Incident, but, since that never happened in the official record, I suppose it wouldn't do."
"Nah, besides, not only didn't I do it, but if I did something like that again they might suspect I did it before." Hobbes looked ready to note Calvin's inconsistency, until a look told him to ignore what he'd said.
Susie couldn't believe Calvin. Why would he want to go around with rotten eggs? And, worse, how could he dare to appear on that show while smelling even worse - after all, the eggs would have smelled much worse later, her parents had said.
She was thankful that Calvin at least didn't smell when he ran up to her with a paper and pen the day before the show. "Susie, have you heard the latest?"
"No, what's crawling up my back this time?" she asked, a little frustrated.
"Nothing. I just wanted to let you know Eggboy has been rumored to be appearing all over the state! Of course, you're one of few people who has seen him in the flesh."
"I can't believe you're still thinking of wearing that stinky costume."
"Forget about that. We need witnesses to say that there's a boy who just happens to look like an egg, flying around saving people in distress! He has a shell so powerful that his arch-enemy, The Scrambler, was unable to destroy it with his most powerful weapon…"
"A 50-foot egg beater?' she joked tiredly, folding her arms
Calvin slapped his forehead. "No, a multi-phasic S-58 super-sized ray gun! Sheesh, only a girl would take an incredible arch-villain like The Scrambler, and make his super weapon an egg beater. That's not a weapon!"
Susie shook her head. She just couldn't figure out what to make of Calvin.
"Anyway, we need eyewitnesses to this great event!" He shoved the pen and paper into Susie's hands; the paper read, "Eggboy is real." "I need you to sign this."
Susie took the pen and paper, and thought of a crack like "Then you'll be committed?" She'd recently heard the term on the news and been told by her dad it meant a person was put in a mental hospital. She felt badly about thinking such mean thought, but, Calvin drover her to it sometimes. Especially if he would think of smelling up the show. "At least you're not coming on the show with rotten eggs," she said, trying to be positive.
"I just need you to say you know Eggboy is real."
"You want me to sign something saying there's a half boy, half egg that flies around saving people!" she asked incredulously. Looking up, she seemed to half ask, half pray, "Why couldn't I just get a neighbor who'd sit in a pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin? He'd be a lot more normal."
"Okay, just say you're sure he's not fake."
She threw out a hand. "That's the same thing as saying I'm sure he's real!"
"You girls are just too smart, you know that?"
Susie gave the items back. "Yeah, we're smart enough to know not to go around dressing in rotten eggs."
"I don't get it. If you don't like it when Eggboy appears, at least support me when I tell everyone about him tomorrow!" He fumed. "Superman never had these publicity problems. And, he went around with his underwear on the outside of his pants."
Susie shook her head as she walked into her house. Letting Calvin do a TV show would make it feel like…
She stood inside the door, a smile creeping across her face. As her mother asked if she was ready for tomorrow, she nodded slowly. If things got out of hand, she would act. "Worrying about Calvin is keeping me from being nervous about so many people watching, at least," she told her mom. "But, I think I have a solution for him, too."
Susie and Maggie, in her early sixties, arrived early at the station. Earl told them about a strange boy who might also appear. "I know him, Sir. Believe me. His name's Calvin. Just be glad he's not wearing a costume that smells like rotten eggs."
"Well, hopefully we can keep him under control." They began rolling the tape as they'd rehearsed, and for all of 45 seconds Susie thought things might be normal after all.
Suddenly, Calvin and Hobbes zipped into the room. "There's been a sighting!" The others stared as Calvin shrieked, "Hobbes and I saw him with our own eyes, and here is another eyewitness," Calvin declared, pointing at Susie, who stared back in amazement.
"Susie," her aunt reminded her gently, keeping her composure, "introduce your friend."
"I will as soon as I know who he's pretending to be."
"Eggboy! Da da da da da da da da, Eggboy!" With shouts of "Eggboy," Calvin punched the air, trying to impersonate the old Batman theme from the 1960s not only in words, but with the "bam"s and "pow"s. He kept darting around like a supersonic pinball throwing punches and kicking, until he sang "Eggboy, Eggboy, Eggboy" and punched the oven in just the right spot, sending sparks flying with his final "Eggboy!"
"Cut!" Earl ran and flipped off the camera himself, as the cameraman had been trying to corral Calvin. Ted had been lulled into a false sense of security when Calvin didn't start running on the table right away.
"Pretty clever intro, huh, Susie?"
"Calvin, you…you…" Having noticed that the oven could have been broken, she was at a total loss for words.
"Like I said, Eggboy has been spotted, flying high above the city. Half boy, half egg, the superhero that will save the world." Now, Earl understood the "rotten egg" comment.
Hobbes noticed the light was no longer on. "Calvin, they've stopped recording."
"Hey, Earl, don't ruin my chance at a big break." As the repair crew was called and entered the studio, Calvin and Hobbes ran over to one of the cameras. "See if you can figure out how to turn it on, Hobbes."
"Get your hands off of that," Ted screamed, pulling the boy away.
"I don't have hands, I have paws," Hobbes said. Given that the adults thought Calvin was saying it, it totally confused them, till Susie explained about Hobbes.
Earl fretted. "Is it bad?"
"We can fix it, but it'll take a little time."
"That's okay, we can go live, I've done it before," Earl said without thinking, his "show must go on" mentality now taking over. As Calvin began rubbing his hands, Earl realized that was a problem. "Look, if you can promise to behave, you can be on the show, too. I'd rather have you where I can keep an eye on you. He could always slip away from his parents," he mentioned worriedly to Ted.
Mrs. Jones lamented, "I fear he is going to make a great argument by the end as to why there should not be public access stations, if he is part of the public."
Calvin's mom entered and introduced herself. "I'm so sorry for you," Earl consoled her.
"Calvin, why is it that when people find out who I am, they usually give me so much sympathy?" He shrugged. "I noticed the light was off, I wanted to see how things were."
"Well, he bashed the oven, so we'll have to go live, and just go offstage to bake the items; then we'll have them to show people right away," Earl explained. "I would still welcome your son on my show if he can promise to behave."
"We'll come back and bring him here for the live show, then," Calvin's mom pledged. She really didn't think it would work, but at times she felt desperate to find anything that might interest Calvin and take his mind off his incredibly wild behavior. So, she had to try.
Susie and Maggie left, too, for a short while, then came back. Calvin's and Susie's parents planned to watch from the control room. But, despite his mother's having frisked him, Susie could tell by his look something strange would happen once his parents left..
Earl went over exactly what would occur, and how to proceed. Finally, the show ws about to start - Ted held up a hand, then pointed and said, "…and, action!"
Calvin's mind was on two things - annoying Susie and his own attempt at a meteoric rise to superstardom. Hence, as Earl was introducing him on the now-live broadcast, Calvin shouted, "Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard the rumors." Earl tried to shush him, but remembered they were live so wasn't too loud with it.
Hobbes continued. "Now, you will hear the story of the superhero Eggboy, a half-boy, half-egg who…"
"Thank you, Calvin," Earl said, annoyed. "And now…"
Hobbes was indignant. "That was me. And, you didn't even introduce me!"
Susie tried to rescue Earl. "That might have been his tiger, Hobbes, talking."
How do we know which is which, he doesn't even move Hobbes when he talks, Earl wondered. He didn't ask, however - he simply thanked Susie and tried to act like they were dong a normal show.
Calvin hoped to keep his parents out of the recording studio. "Hobbes, lock the door and put the gum in to jam the lock while I pretend to co-operate," he whispered so the others couldn't hear - holding a hand over the mike that had been clipped to him.
"Calvin, come on up and help us - we need someone to pour some stuff in while I measure the amounts," Susie invited him with a smile.
Once the lock was jammed, Calvin grabbed several eggs from off camera and stuffed them in his pockets. Hobbes also took several eggs. Calvin then hopped up on a stool and began talking about Eggboy.
"Calvin, no more about Eggboy," Susie commanded. "Just help us cook."
Instead of complying, Calvin launched into a dramatic spiel about Eggboy's heroics.
"Don't forget to mention that he has superhuman odor," Hobbes added.
"Hey, I'm talking about his arch-nemesis, the Scrambler, right now!" Calvin fumed. "That's no way to talk about a superhero, anyway."
"Be quiet and help us spread the dough for the strudel," Maggie commanded. It was very hard to make her lose her cool.
The fact Susie and the men had been made angry and Maggie had refused to blink at the craziness so far made Calvin try all the harder. He hadn't been able to wear his egg costume, so he and Hobbes had allowed Spaceman Spiff to gain a new sidekick instead.
"Spaceman Spiff has uncovered the secret Zerlop laboratory," he hollered. He and Hobbes each hopped up to the counter and began pelting Ted, the cameraman, with eggs. "Spiff and his assistant Hobbes shoot strange, white grenades at the Zerlops, hoping to prevent them from unleashing a plague that could wipe out half the galaxy." Calvin and Hobbes leaped around trying to evade capture by Ted and Maggie while Earl tried desperately to keep his composure. However, as he and Susie prepared the first of several desserts, Calvin could easily be heard in the background.
Maggie knew it was her turn to talk about her bakery, so when Ted caught Calvin, she ran back to the set. "Try the fire exit," she suggested.
"Good thinking."
Ted tried to get Calvin out the fire exit. While Earl, Maggie, and Susie continued the cooking show, the commotion with Calvin was also heard by many thousands of viewers.
"Spaceman Spiff has been caught by Zerlop security. Oh no, Spiff is being taken to the airlock; the guard is trying to push him out into deep space," he screamed kicking Ted and then grabbing the wall. "Losing a shoe, he manages to hold on for dear life, as Spiff and the Zerlop wrestle right near the airlock; which one will survive?"
Hobbes bit the Zerlop on the hand and began talking. "His trusty assistant Hobbes escapes the captors and runs to Spiff's rescue, having used his secret R-27 ionizer. He shoots the goon with a syringe filled with the goon's own plague, and pushes him out the airlock!"
"Spiff quickly closes the airlock, and continues his quest to protect the galaxy from the evil Zerlops," Calvin shouted, running back in front of the camera.
Calvin's parents looked on in horror at the disaster Calvin was making of the show. His dad muttered, "There's one career we can scratch off the list of things he could be when he grows up." They decided to get Calvin before he made it a complete catastrophe.
"Spaceman Spiff shoots his ray gun at the aliens, and…oh, no, his trusty First Officer Hobbes has abandoned him, instead of pouring the evaporator on the strange alien he has begun to consume a Tunasaur. Now…oof!" Calvin slipped on some egg and went flying into Susie as she tried to pick up some of the mess. He ended up across her knees.
Susie sat up and held him there for a very angry second, raising her arm to hit him, then deciding she couldn't embarrass Calvin in front of the half dozen people who she figured were still watching. Still, as she turned toward the camera, she spoke decisively. "You'd really like to see me give it to him, wouldn't you?"
Before she could decide to after all, Calvin had gotten up and grabbed the rolling pin. "The wooden vial with the plague," he shrieked, throwing it into the oven and turning it up to "broil.". "Spaceman Spiff has succeeded in burning up the last of the plague."
Near the front door, Ted met Calvin's parents. "You can't go in that fire exit, only out."
"We tried the studio and it was locked; where's the janitor?" Calvin's dad hollered.
Meanwhile, Earl pulled the pin out of the oven, but with the oven turned up to the maximum, in his haste he touched a heating coil and burned his hand slightly. "Ow!" He turned the oven off, and began running after Calvin, who was now turning the camera. Calvin spun the camera toward the exit, and took off running,
"Hobbes notices another Zerlop rushing toward Spaceman Spiff, and alertly opens the airlock - it turns out he was laying in wait all this time. He opens the airlock, and when the alien slips, he and Spiff push him out the airlock!"
Calvin and Hobbes were now at the camera. He fiddled with it for a few minutes, as Susie and Maggie pulled the finished strudel out of the cabinet below - trying desperately to show something on the show before it went completely awry. At last, Calvin figured out how to zoom in and out. "Pretty cool show, huh, Suzie? That was way more exciting than some dumb cooking show. Hey, look, the whole city can see up your nostrils!"
"That does it," Susie said, throwing down a measuring spoon. She had regained her composure standing back at the counter. "Court is now in session. You, the knave of hearts, are charged with stealing tarts. I call my first witness."
"Huh!" Calvin zoomed back to normal distance.
Maggie spoke like an old English judge, having plotted this with Susie the night before, just in case. "The queen of hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer's day. The knave of hearts, he stole those tarts…" she spoke, quoting a poem quoted in "Alice in Wonderland."
"What are you talking about! Who wants to watch that drivel. Come on, Hobbes." He panned the camera away from the counter, and he and Hobbes ran in front of it. "Having escaped Zerlop in his spacecraft, Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet Bopplezill, where strange creatures live. Hobbes, what do you make of them?"
"They seem to be excellent cooks."
As Susie and Maggie continued their "Alice In Wonderland" play, putting Calvin on trial and acting silly as they walked in front of the camera, Calvin and Hobbes ran over to the strudel and began eating with their hands. They could tell the lock was being picked - but, clearly, they still had a few more minutes of fun.
Susie did too, though. With Calvin's hands occupied with eating sweets - he also found the brownies that were still in the cupboard - she ran toward the counter, grabbed Hobbes, and sprinted back into camera range. "We have the knave's accomplice - did I say that right?" She had.
"Hobbes," Calvin shouted, wiping his hands on the counter and his pants, then running over to Hobbes.
"Your Highness, the Queen, has the final verdict."
"Off with his head!" Maggie shouted, trying to remain a proper lady but also smirking as she thought back to childhood play.
It was Susie's turn to dash around with Hobbes as Calvin chased her. "You can't do that, I need my head!" Hobbes exclaimed.
"I certainly can. I was always told once I was in charge, I would be head."
Calvin winced at Maggin's bad pun as he ran and shouted, "Spaceman Spiff continues to chase the Bop, who has taken Hobbes and threatened to take off his head…Ack! The other alien creature has him, and this one's worse - she tells horrible puns!"
"We have the knave," Maggie declared. "Off with his head."
Calvin was shocked. "Be head just means you're the head! Although, it would be kind of fun to go around with no head. I bet I could scare a lot of people," he mused aloud.
""Prepare the water for drawing and quartering," Maggie said in a voice so commanding, Calvin feared for a moment she might be serious.
"Wait, first I have some further evidence," Susie announced. "'I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree…'"
"Is that all?"
"No, there's much more."
"But, what does it have to do with the trial?" Maggie inquired.
"Nothing, that's the beauty of it. A tree that may in summer wear, a nest of robins in her hair." She thought she might have skipped a verse, but that didn't matter.
Maggie nodded slowly. "Yes, I see, it is quite fascinating."
"What? It's dumb - who wants to watch some girl recite a poem about trees?"
Hobbes glared at Calvin. "Isn't it more important to keep from losing our heads!"
"Oh, be quiet. Who asked you, anyway?"
"I'm just saying that we may have gone a bit beyond what was needed for you to get your big break in show business," Hobbes said defensively.
"Big break in show business? How is ruining a show going to give you that? Along with the fact nobody can tell whether it's you or 'Hobbes' who's talking," Susie asked sternly.
"By turning it from a boring cooking show into one with adventure! I mean, the way Hobbes and I pushed the Zerlop's chief scientist out that 'airlock' was priceless. It…it…" Calvin looked at Earl, Ted, and his and Susie's parents all glaring at him. "Hi."
"Come on, Calvin," his mom said, taking him by the arm. "We are going to have a very long talk! And, you are going to be doing tons of writing. I'm tempted to find out who watched and have you write to every viewer." She turned back to Susie. "I'm very proud of you for keeping your cool. I don't think I could have done the same thing."
"Well, Susie told us about her 'Alice in Wonderland' idea, and it did seem like the perfect thing for dealing with Calvin," Mrs. Derkins responded.
Ted looked at his watch as the others walked over to the counter. Panning the camera, he flashed a signal that meant they have a little over ten minutes. "What do we do now with over ten minutes?" Maggie asked, once Susie's parents had left.
Earl conceded the show was a complete disaster - even the finished products were half eaten. "Let's just eat the rest of the food, and sit and chat about cooking," he said.
Susie managed to smile as they talked and she bit into a brownie. Calvin had driven her crazy, but thanks to her backup plan, it wasn't a total loss. She was proud that she could beat Calvin at his own antics - and probably even thrown a little scare into him.
Calvin was finally allowed outside after several days, though he would be grounded for a month yet, along with having to write numerous apologies. There, he saw Susie and talked to her for a few minutes. After that, he ran up to his room.
"Hobbes, guess what?" he cried excitedly. "Earl got so much publicity from having us on the show, the Food Network's letting him appear at least once, and they might even show clips from the show we were on!"
"I saw you talking with Susie - she didn't try to chop off your head?"
Calvin shook his head, frustrated. "She had everyone congratulating her on that 'Wonderland' stuff. And, Earl's going to have a special with an 'Alice in Wonderland' theme for kids once because of her," he fumed, throwing out a hand. "Even when we bugged her more than ever, she still managed to come out ahead."
"I'd say having a head means being ahead, after how that aunt of hers talked."Calvin agreed, though he wouldn't admit it - Susie had at least distracted her. And, while he might not have lost his hed, she had just been so weird, he didn't know wht she'd do - it was like Rosalyn at her worst, which was also his worst. "So, will that be on the Food Network?"
"Nah, it's just local, thankfully. Although…" He and Hobbes ran to his parents' phone. "I got Earl's number at the station, let's call to see if we can go national, too! He'll know I gave him his big break, even if Susie doesn't. He never would have gotten this chance if we hadn't been there."
Calvin dialed, and when Earl picked up the phone, he asked, "Hey, Earl, remember me? I hear you're going national; when do you want us to be down there?…What? Nobody lives that long!" He turned to Hobbes "He said, 'Not in a million years!'"
"We could use the time machine."
"Oh, yeah, good thinking. Hey, Earl, don't worry, I have a time machine. I'll pop in unannounced in a couple million…Well, if that's how you feel, fine! But just remember, I gave you your big break. And, when I get to Hollywood, you'll never work in that town again!…" His anger turned to disappointment. "Oh. Well, how am I supposed to get my big break in Hollywood if the Food Network doesn't even come from there!"
He turned to Hobbes after the chef hung up. "He said movie monsters."
"That's a good idea. Where do we go to try out for parts?"
"Actually, he said we already were movie monsters." Calvin grinned. "You know, that's kind of cool. If we're already ranked up there with Godzilla, I guess all we need to do is wait for the right part to come along. Then, we'll be famous. And, maybe we can buy the Food Network and turn it into something worthwhile. With car chases and monsters and all kinds of sugary stuff."
"And tuna," Hobbes noted.
"Well…okay, and tuna. That's what I like about you, Hobbes. You and I share the same dreams It's great to have a friend like you."