Pairings: Sam/Jack, Thor/other

Disclaimer: not mine

A/N: Written for teh lovely nos. And yes this is crackfic of the lowest calibre. (eye-rolls)

Thor stared at the three men standing before him. "After much experimentation, our scientists have concluded that there is only one way to be sure of the continuation of our species, no matter how bastardised it may become. We must introduce more genetic diversity into the Asgard race by introducing human DNA into our genetic makeup."

Daniel gulped. "You mean - "

"Yes. I must mate with one of you - the future of the Asgard race depends on it."

Jack held up his hands in sudden comprehension, his face distorted by his horror. "Now wait a minute - WHAT? There must be some other way, you just need to talk to Carter - and where is Carter, anyway?"

Thor blinked steadily. "I have indeed discussed this with Colonel Carter. She believes that the procedure will be most... fruitful if I am to mate with a male of your species, which is why she is not required here today."

Jack and Daniel exchanged glances. "So Sam knew about this and didn't say?" Daniel asked.

"I'm going to kill her - "

"Jack!" Daniel glared at him. "Thor, this is, well, it's an honour, but why you - I mean, why us?"

Thor breathed out heavily. "I was recently reprimanded for not being impersonal enough, for becoming too involved with your race." He sent a long look towards Jack, who backed away in horror. "It was felt that this, combined with my long involvement with you humans, made me the perfect candidate for this procedure. I wished for my children to have the greatest potential possible, which is why I wish to merge my genes with yours."

Jack found himself gagging at the word 'children'. "Thor, this is crazy! I can't possibly - I'm involved with Colonel Carter, she'd kill me?"

Daniel looked at him skeptically. "You are?"

"Colonel Carter did not mention this to me when we discussed the science involved," Thor said, eyes narrow-er.

Jack gulped. "It's a recent thing, very recent. In fact, I only proposed this morning. I'll be resigning of course, there'll be a big party, wedding in Vegas - you should come, all of you!" He gasped for breath while Daniel rolled his eyes.

"I see." Thor studied him carefully. "And you do not believe she would be willing for us to create progeny together?"

The word 'progeny' set Jack off again. "No, absolutely not, she's very possessive, you know Carter. No way I'd risk upsetting her - next time you needed her for one of your dumb ideas she'd blow your ship up!"

"Perhaps." Thor turned his attention to Daniel. "Daniel Jackson, are you able to assist me with this ritual.

"Sha're!" Daniel's voice was practically a screech. "My wife, I couldn't possibly do that to her, she'd never forgive me!"

Jack couldn't stop himself. "But Daniel, she's dead."

Daniel sent him a look full of promise, heavy artifacts soon to be flying his way, that kind of thing. "But her memory, Jack, her memory. I couldn't possibly sully it by cheating on her with another woman - alien - I'm sorry Thor, but no."

Jack tried not to think about Kynthia, Sarah, that little poppet Daniel had brought back from P38-190 just the week before. "Right." He spread his hands out innocently. "See, Thor, we can't help you - sorry. Now why don't you just beam us back down to Earth and find some other specimen for your test, hmm?"

"O'Neill." Teal'c's voice cut through Thor's protests. "I believe that I may be of assistance."

Jack tried not to gape. "Teal'c, what are you doing?"

Teal'c turned to the tiny alien. "I shall of course require a token of your gratitude. An Asgard vessel, the 'Teal'c'."

It took three tries for Daniel to find his voice. "Teal'c, you don't have to do this - "

"I find your offer acceptable, Teal'c." Teal'c reached down and took Thor's hand in his. "I shall return O'Neill and Daniel Jackson to their base immediately, so that we may begin proceedings."

A small smile played across Teal'c's lips. Jack looked away in horror. The sacrifice...

"Thor, the ship?"

"It shall take some time for us to construct a new vessel, but we shall deliver it to you as soon as we can." Before Jack could protest any further he was engulfed by a beam of white light, only to find himself back in Sam's lab. She jumped and dropped whatever it was that she was holding - some small satisfaction.

"Colonel Carter!" He tried not to shout but, well, it was doomed.

"Sir!" Sam grinned back at him. "How did it go?"

"Well, you'll be glad to know that Teal'c and Thor are going to be having alien babies together." Her smile widened. "Damn it, Sam, how could you put him in that kind of position?"

"Oh, we talked about it beforehand." Jack stared. "Teal'c, well, he's had a crush on Thor for years, and I discussed it with him. Jaffa DNA is similar enough to humans' to make no difference, and he was more than happy to go ahead with it."

"Really?"

Sam stepped closer. "Yup. And he got the ship too."

Jack's mind was blank, totally blank. "Uh huh."

"And I hear you're resigning." Jack drew back slightly and she shrugged. "Thor let me watch it all via an Asgard communicator."

Jack thought back to the fear he'd felt while aboard Thor's ship. "I hate you."

"Uh huh."

"You're evil."

"And would you rather have my babies or Thor's?" Jack flinched reflexively. "Kidding. No babies."

"Right," he breathed.

"Just Teal'c and Thor's."

Jack couldn't quite repress his grimace.

"And a new ship." The look on Sam's face became positively maternal and he relaxed. She drew closer to kiss him, but another thought popped into his head. "Just how do they anyway - "

Sam shook her head. "Trust me - don't ask"

So he didn't.